[kathyandmark]

I wrote a similar post months ago in the foster/adopt section of these forums, but I am trying again. How can you convince your Christian husband that foster-to-adopt is a right thing to do? We are a Christian family with three wonderful children - 10, 8, & 5. After #3, my husband had a vasectomy, which we both regret. We tried to have it reversed, but it failed. I would love to adopt, specifically through the foster care system, but my husband feels like we would be inviting "government involvement" into our home. Is this true? Can it work? (I know many Christians foster, so I am sure it can!) How can I get him to change his mind? Thanks!

[mj77]

I'm sorry to say Kathy, I don't think it's something you can or should convince your dh about. I really believe adoption should be something God lays on both your hearts. The government will be in every nook and cranny of your life. It will be like this until an adoption is finalized. From first entering the state to finalization can take a couple years. If he is not comfortable with that there might be problems. Home studies regardless where they come from are invasive. I encourage you to pray and ask the Lord, if it be His will that He would change your dh's heart otherwise give you peace and direction.

[kakuehl]

I also would encourage you to pray about what God wants you to do. What is his mission for your family? If you want to have more children, explore all your options; find out as much as you can about the different kinds of adoption and pray for God's leading. You both need to feel at peace with your decision.

If I may ask, why do you feel drawn to foster to adopt?

[Guitarmom]

Hi Kathy!!
I have a *very * similar story to yours -except I have 4 kids. My dh really wanted to have more bio kids after his reversal. Well 2 years later,still nothing happened. I mentioned adoption,and he said "no" right away. Well as much as I wanted to convince him, only God could. I prayed for almost a year,and dh finally said "lets look into it", so our first step was an informational meeting. Now a year later,our homestudy is done,and we are just waiting for our kids. When our last referral fell through, dh was even more heart broken than me! God can do amazing things,and I believe sometimes he puts it on the mothers heart first, but with prayer, often God will change your spouses heart as well.
Blessings!

[Guitarmom]

Kathy - is it only the state/foster adoption he is opposed to?

[kathyandmark]

Thanks for all of your helpful replies. I will try to answer your questions. My husband is a pastor, so we do have a very busy life. Our church has a Christian school, and right now I am also teaching half-day kindergarten. We really have a wonderful family and my husband & I have a great relationship. He was willing to to the vasectomy reversal and felt that if it was God's will for us to have more children, that it would work. He is not opposed to having more children, but does not have a strong desire to have them either. We have not even discussed the subject of adoption for almost a year, because the last time we did, it ended in a fight and I promised God I would remain silent on this topic and just pray that God would change my husband's heart if it was His will for us to adopt. It is very hard for me to do this, because I know my husband is totally unaware that this is an issue I think about and pray about daily - and he probably very rarely even realizes that I am sad about it. I would like to foster/adopt because I know there are children out there who need homes. My husband does not like the idea of having social workers dropping by all the time, of accepting government checks, etc. He was less opposed to private adoption, but we really can't afford it and I honestly do not see a birthmother choosing a family who already has three children and can't promise her baby the moon. I have read many parent profiles looking to adopt, and while it seems sad to say this, it is really like they are trying to "sell" themselves describing their beautiful homes and promised trips to Disney, etc. Anyway, I have seen from this board and also from other families that many Christians do foster care & adoption through the foster system, so I know it can work. And it seems Biblical to me - to reach out to "orphans" who TRULY are in need. Well this is long but I hope I answered your questions. Kathy

[kakuehl]

Is he open to fostering without considering adoption or is it the idea of "big brother" in the form of homevisits, etc. that bothers him most? That's really a hard situation because if he isn't 100% for fostering it isn't going to work.

[Guitarmom]

I can understand where he's coming from as far as the govt. involvement. We homeschool,and I'm not crazy about seeing social workers coming over all the time, but I've learned to deal with it.
I think it's important that you express your desire to your husband, could you not ask him to consider your request and pray about it? that's what I did, and I didn't say another thing for months. Finally my dh brought it up.
I think he was so convinced (and so was I ) that our reversal was going to work. Now looking back, i feel the Lord was just wanting us to trust him, no matter what the outcome. We also just happened to have a few good friends who had adopted special needs kids,that we just fell in love with.
My dh didn't understand my desire to have more children (bio or not, I didn't care), but now I think he's changed a bit. It doesn't seem like it's something men dwell on, like women do. It's the "motherly" instinct in us,I guess.

[kathyandmark]

I really don't understand why he doesn't like the idea of social workers in our home, since it's not like we have any privacy to begin with, anyway! We live ten steps away from our church, and with the school going on there every day, it's like it's right on top of us. If a child has an accident at school, or one of the high school girls forgets their socks for a basketball game, they ask to borrow clothes from our closets! Our house is full of kids and people all the time - and it's not like they even always knock! Our washer & dryer are in the basement, and sometimes I'll come upstairs with a load full of laundry, and there are people waiting for me in my kitchen! Anyway, it is something we talked about a lot last February & March, and then it kind of went downhill, so I did just ask him to pray about it and have left it alone and now it has been almost a year. I keep asking God to give me an open door to talk to him about it again, but so far, it hasn't come up. However, contract signing for next year's school year will be coming up soon, and I plan to talk to him about it then. Because when he asks me if I want to teach again, I am going to tell him that it wouldn't be my first choice, and then tell him what my first choice will be! We'll see where it goes from there, but I honestly don't think his mind has changed at all. Kathy

[shy_bear]

I wanted to respond to your comments about afamily's promising the moon in their profiles. I strongly disagree with that. We are a single income military family who has adopted newborns through private agency's twice. We were 23 when we adopted our first child. We lived on base and had one car. Our daughter's birthmom was looking for a loving family for her child, not how much money they had or what type of vacations we could offer.
If you and your husband come to an agreement to research adoption there are many agencies that don't charge and arm and a leg to adopt. Look at all of your options. Good luck to you!

[MomofFaith]

I know what you are going through. My husband and I struggled with the same thing over a year ago. He cannot have anymore kids either and the cost to reverse it is a lot. My desire to have another child was great and I felt as though God placed adoption on my heart. I went to my husband and told him about how I felt and he was not wanting to listen to it at that time. So, I stayed silent too and let God work because when ever we would discuss the idea we would get in a fight. It wasn't till our bible study group started studying the book called The Dream Giver by Wilkerson(?). This is a great book! In it it teached how God gives everyone a dream and a passion, he will lead your path but it is up to you to take those steps in faith. It also talks about how when you take those steps you will run into bullies and those who want to tear your dream down. My husband saw himself as that bully that tore my dream and passion down. God really changed his heart. The next thing I know he came to me and started discussing the option with me and now we are almost done with our homestudy and he is excited about it! All this to tell you to let God work in his heart and if it is God's will then it will happen, but you have to be willing to release your dream and passion to God and he will give it back to you when the time is right. I will be praying for you and your husband. God bless.

[mrsred]

Kathy, we went through an agency for the foster-adoption of our son, then a year later our daughter. With our son the agency caseworker came out to our home once a month. When she came we spent most of the time at the kitchen table just talking. She would talk to our son a bit, and usually go up to his room for a few minutes. But he loved being able to show off his room and things. With our daughter it was pretty close to the same thing. With both kids we only had the state social workers actually in our home once each, just to meet us. I really don't feel that they have been at all invasive in our lives. As for no accepting money from the state... there are a couple things that can be done with that. If you use an agency there will be fees. Set aside the monthly foster payment to cover the fees. If you get an adoption subsidy after the adoption is finalized put that in the bank for a college fund.
Have you ever shown your husband the websites with the waiting children? My husband was ready to adopt all of them!
Through God all things are possible. The right outcome will come about in the right way and at the right time. We waited 5years to start the process of adoption, then it took another 9 months to be matched with our son, and two years to be matched with our daughter. I see now that we could not have had anything happen any sooner because we had to wait for the children God had chosen for us.

[cacgillum]

I agree with most of the replies. I think you need to be patient and wait for God to open your husband's heart or to possibly lead you in another direction. I mostly just wanted to leave you with a verse to reflect on. Romans 8:25 But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently.

[cacgillum]

I agree with most of the replies. You need to wait for God to open his heart. I just wanted to give you a verse to reflect on. Matt 8:25 But if we hope for what we do no yet have, we wait for it patiently.

[longingtomeetyou]

your right about Gods timing .....i never want it to be mine ....

patience.....ahhhhhhh theres that word again .....lol



glad to see others in the same boat.....