[shef]

Hi everyone,
some of you might know of my struggle to come to a place of resolution or peace about my attitude toward my bmother. Since I had met her, and after that meeting, she had not been able to continue a relationship or reunion with me...and I have waited in the hope she would come back..but she didnt..it had felt like more of rejection, and i perceived everything through rejection..I could see no good in us having ever met etc...I was very bitter and hurt..and I was really jealous of other peoples reunions, though I tired to be encouraging, I was also terribly hurting., .and just could not see how or why God had allowed this...and I could not find any freedom in Him either over this subject.
I have asked many questions of you all, some bmothers, some adoptees, i have wrestled with God and with faith....but I feel I am on my way......a few weeks ago in the UK it was mothers day, and i could not face it, knowing I still felt as i did about my bmother...I so wanted to see things from a differnt perspective, but I had done all I knew how to do, and so I got on my knees and cried out to God...please help me, please change me, Ive tried to beleive what others say, but please help my unbelief, I cant change myself.....I want to know the truth.....
then i looked at my adotpion file which i had for 1 and half years, and reading through some of the admission reports to the orphanage i was placed..I noted just one sentence, it was captured by the pen of the social worker of that day, and it was soemthing my mother had said....and it was, that she often thought about me, and wondered if the day would ever come when her husband would allow her to have me back.......a shaft of light from nowhere shone on it, and I saw for the first time...she had thought and wanted me......there is lay in the darkness all these years, something my heart cried out for....and yet through all the pain of the years I could not see.....the truth that surley God was bringing to me...and so out of that I wrote this peom in tribute to my mother and hope it will bless others especially bmothers, as I honour you with same courage my mother had in those closed era days that held so many imprisoned in their emotions....

I have something that I would like to tell you mother.
It has been churning away inside………
A bit like how butter is formed……..trying to solidify…
As I let it sit…and then churn…..
It’s not fully mature yet..these thoughts……..
But somehow I want them to form part of a positive belief….
About You…and about Me………about Us……

I went to bed last night, and thought of you….
The memory of the photo of us together…
That one time meeting…..
You see I’ve begun to see it in a different light……
I have begun to see You.
I cried at the thought of these new thoughts…..
Great big blobs of tears ran silently down my face
And In the safety of the darkness….I reached out
And touched your face…and breathed your name…….

Oh my mother……I woke this morning and want to say…..
How proud I am of You.
“Of what” you might ask……
“After all that has gone on……..”
I hadn’t seen it before….I couldn’t see it….
I haven’t been able to see You, to look at You……
Without all the pain of rejection..…..
But I looked again…….
And saw that we were standing side by side…..close
Your arm around my shoulders..
You had put it there…..
My Mother was holding me…….
Oh Mother…..I am so proud of you…..
You faced your greatest fears when you met me….
You had such courage to meet me.
You had such courage to look me in the eye
And tell me how things were for you…..
You had the courage to call me “daughter”..to my face…
Even if only for that day….
You had courage…..

With all the pain and sadness etched upon your face
And held within your eyes……
It had to be courage that upheld you enough
To roll back all those years in time,
Replying to my searching letter……
“Yes I am your Mother….search no more…….”
You owned Me…and Now I want to own You.
By saying out loud……
My mother..I am proud of You.
For finding the courage to do..
What only you could do……
And when I falter and have a doubt..
I have this photo that I have now put out….
For all to view,
If they have eyes to see…they too will catch
A hidden depth…..of a factual moment
Caught in history of time….but will stretch into eternity,
Of a woman and her daughter…
Who found the courage together
To face their greatest fears
And be allowed to capture this private moment
That reveals more than just a picture….
But of of two separate journeys through the barren years
And the courage to find one another again.
Mother I am proud of You for doing this for Us.


c. Shef april 06

[wvamom]

Shef,

What a wonderful story about your being drawn back to the one sentence your mother had written, about wanting to have you back with her.

You write about your mother, but I can see that you have so much courage, and integrity, and a willingness to forgive...

Thank you for sharing your struggles with us. I, too, have had times when I wondered where God was, and why He allowed painful things to happen in my life--sometimes the only comfort that comes to me is that He gave His son for us, and so He knew sorrow and loss and grief, too, and all for my sake. Then I am reminded of His great love for us, in spite of what my circumstances might lead me to believe.

Thank you again for your post.
Carolyn

[shef]

Carolyn

Thank you for your words toward me and about me.....that is very encouraging for me to hear and learn how to receive. Bless you so much. Im not the greatest one for seeing the positives in myself.

I think I have learnt more as people have been hoenst enough to share their stuggels in their faith walk, as it is this that has given me hope this past few years, and has pointed my focus eventaully toward Jesus. It sounds the same for you..and He hasnt finished with us yet has he!....

bless you much......and your family...

xxshef

[Jody M]

Shef , thanks for sharing your beautiful poem- What a lovely testimony to allowing God to work in your heart and life. Often what we perceive as adoptees can be inaccurate regarding the circumstances of our adoption or our birth parents feelings toward us. Often the adoption has little to do with the feelings toward the baby (they are often of love and desire to keep the baby) but life circumstances like limited finances, illness, too young to parent or no support, or the birth father walks away from the situation, etc. To know truth helps one see the bigger picture and accept their adoption without resentment and the knowledge of the challenge the birth parent made to make such a lifechanging decision for all.
You write beautifully Shef and so thrilled that God enlightened you to the truth about your birth mother's heart and her motivation to not parent.

Blessings to you in your ongoing adoption journey and writing!
Jody

[shef]

Yes Jody, that is a truth I have begun to recognize....to seperate the circumstnaces from the actual truth of the feelings.......ther is so much to lern and to help each other with.......if I amy..I was reading this today in the bible..amplified:

Arise form the depression and prostration in which circumstances have kept you - rise to a new life! Shine..be radiant with the glory of the lOrd for your light has come and the glory of the Lord has risen upon you........

and I think that is what is happening and maybe happens for us all in different ways......we have to get up from underneath the deluge of circumstances...we have to rise to new life.....and this understanding of my bmoher is like a breath of new life into me.

xxshef

[Jody M]

Amen, Shef, Share with us where that bible verse is- yes, we often without knowing it linger in the valleys of our circumstances. I love the verse that says " I will lift up my eyes to the hills, where my help comes from" ( The Lord )
I believe the Lord allows situations to happen in our lives so we get off automatic and do not wear the victim mentality to see how the Potter, God is shaping us through our circumstances. Often when we go through hardship and trials and problems, if we rise above them and seek God , He plants and grows in us seeds of compassion, understanding, forgiveness, maturity and growth.
May we all allow Him, the Potter to refine us on the wheel and in the fire of the "oven" so that we may come out shining and radiant to glorify Him, Our Creator!!

Blessings today Shef and thanks for sharing with us!
Jody

[shef]

It is taken from the Amplified version - becasuse for me thats easier to understand!...

Isaiah chapter 60 verse 1.

xxshef

[Jody M]

Thanks Shef- I pray other adoptees will progress in their healing from adoption loss embracing an honor for their birth parents. How beautifully God is working in your heart and life to be open to understanding your birth mom's pain, loss and inability to parent. May God bless you across the miles in England! So great that the internet makes you feel so close! Jody

[ccurrycarla]

Thank you Shef,
God bless and keep you is my prayer.

[Jody M]

Hope others will share their tributes to their birth parents and or adoptive parents this Memorial Day weekend.
Blessings, Jody