[Jody M]

Hi- I am an adoptee who was in a closed adoption but fortunately was always told I was adopted. Though the knowledge of my adoption was open, no discussions or encouragement to explore my thoughts and feelings on the subject happened. And I never brought the subject up for it felt "taboo" or something to not talk about. I think many adoptees do not want to "rock the boat" and can feel insecure or "out of order" to be inquisitive, and do not want to appear ungrateful. Many that are not adopted can misinterpret adoptee's feelings as they look at adoption through their own vantagepoint. Many persons take it for granted that they know their ethnic heritage and origin of their physical/medical/genetic traits. They can look into the face of their relatives and have those questions answered. It is a normal part of identity to know one's origins. But for adoptees, especially those in closed adoptions, those things are a mystery. So of course, one is going to be curious and have the desire to know. And also- even if one knows that their birth parents were not able to parent and made a "loving decision", it does not supress the desire to know "why" this was so or what were the circumstances that lead to the adoption decision. Knowing this is crucial to processing one's adoptee status and understanding that one was not "rejected". I have facilitated adoption triad support groups for almost 12 years. And the saddest thing I witness is adoptee's who misinterpret their adoption and feel rejected when they do not know the facts or circumstances that resulted in their adoption. Finding out through my adoption search in mid-life- that my birth parents both had alcohol addictions, and marital problems and financial limitations, and my birth mother had cancer at the time of my birth- this helped me paint a picture that made my adoption understandable and
the best and loving choice that it was. But "not knowing" some of these facts lead adoptees often to "fill in the blanks" and fantasize the story- which can often lead to the wrong conclusion and how many feel abandoned and rejected. My passion is to help adoptees see the bigger picture- of being God's child and loved foremost by their First Father, God their Creator who has always been with them each and every day of their lives. And then to help them explore and find truth to their stories so they can process the facts and come to acceptance and resolution. I am so please that there is much more openess and honesty in adoption. My loving adoptive parents did the best they could in light of the psychology and practices of the day. Now we know more and can better serve the emotional needs of the adoptees We can help them to navigate the fragile issues surrounding the special persons and circumstances that are connected to their beginnings. And to honor their need to know and process these facts and feelings for a strong emotional foundation.

Blessings, Jody

[mamabee]

Hi Jody--I know you are gearing this towards adoptees but I have a question. You mentioned ((Though the knowledge of my adoption was open, no discussions or encouragement to explore my thoughts and feelings on the subject happened.))

I am an adoptive Mom to an adorable 10 year old son. I want him to always know he can talk to me about anything especially regarding his closed adoption. I know who his bMom is and knew her when she was a child. However, we have no contact at all now but I would know how to find her if the need ever arises.

My question is how do we adoptive parents go about fulfilling your needs of exploration? and at what age should this be discussed. Please be more specific. This is a good thread and I would love to have information.

[Jody M]

Hi mamabee and thanks so much for responding to my post! In the era I was adopted in the 1950's, adoptive parents did not have the resources or encouragement to share openly with the adoptees the truth/facts about their adoption, let alone their mixed emotions on adoption. The rule of the day seemed to be- let the past be the past.
Now there are wonderful resources for adoptive parents- many books on how to share with the adoptee and at what age- books found on adoptionshop.com or on Tapestry Books- an online adoption bookstore. Also there are wonderful adoptive parents groups, and adoption conferences and agencies even have helps. The Adoption Clearing House online has many wonderful fact sheets on adoption.
I would suggest providing a safe home environment for the adoptee to share their honest feelings. When I was young adoptive parents were supposed to make emphasis on how the child was chosen, special and focus on that- which was needed. But not all that is needed. When the adoptee, cognitively understands adoption more fully, they know that to be chosen or adopted- means there was a loss- or that someone had to make a decision for adoption. And that from the adoptee vantagepoint is a "sad story" even if they gained the most wonderful adoptive parents who are loving. There are always "teachable moments" when the adoptee may have some questions, or the adoptive parents feel nudged to talk about the birth family, adoption story. It is okay then to ask the child how they feel about adoption and acknowledge that the may have some sad feelings too. Because everyone told me I was chosen/special and was so lucky to be adopted and get such wonderful parents- I felt I would appear ungrateful or disloyal to express any sad feelings. These mixed feelings for adoptees are normal - but I felt guilty for feeling anything but "happiness" for others projected that adoption was all "happy"
Just being emotionally present for the child and allowing them to express and feel all their feelings without judgement is a HUGE gift to the adoptee. It will also bond your relationship more tightly for they feel they can share their "real" self and be safe and not judged. Parents, do not feel threatened if your child has mixed feelings about adoption- this is normal and they do not love you less- They will love you more, for allowing them a place to express, explore and come to resolution, acceptance of their adoptee status.
Thanks for listening! I know mamabee that you are a great parent and are listening and learning!
Blessings, Jody

PS. Attending adoption triad support groups is a bonus, listening to adult adoptees share their adoption experiences growing up. They love to answer questions on how to raise an adopted child.

[shef]

Mamabee..
my name is shef and I am from the closed adoption era, and long term fostered........
I agree with what Jody has said to you in her reply.....but my family were not able to talk about adoption or my background with me......and I rememebr at the age of around 10, it was beginning to be very important to me as I came into puberty, about my mother. I had so many qeustions..that no one seemd to be able to answer....but soemtimes as a child you dont know how to ask the "right" questions in order to get to the answers that are forming in you...so be open to aksing your son if he wants to talk about things at all....openess goes a long way, even if he is not ready at this time..he will remember that you have not closed down on him and that you are willing to talk about this subject with him. Also, its good to be able to have some supprot for yourself as you go through the emotions it might evoke in you...just my opinion.

bless your heart this coming mothers day.

shefalie

[mamabee]

Jody--thanks for what you wrote; it was very informative. I have so many books already but sometimes I get discouraged because they seem so negative about adoptees feelings. You know, making them sound as if they have deep mental issues. But I will keep looking and keep reading.

And yes, I probably talk him too death. My husband is totally different from my view point because he still feels very threatened by the even mention of adoption. I was the one that told my son when he was three and I told him about him being bi-racial and at least 3-4 times a year, I will bring up the topic to see if he has any feelings about anything. I usually get the same old reply: Nope...no questions.

Maybe I was wrong for telling him at such a young age, but I told my husband when we adopted my son that I always wanted him to know so he would not feel as if we kept secrets from him. Of course, my hubby was just as mortified when I told my son he was bi-racial. But that kind of speaks for itself...I mean...his skin...his hair...he had to know and I am not ashamed and I will not tolerate anyone around me being ashamed of his heritage.

Shef---we meet again! I love reading on this forum and advising when I can (I at least hope it helps). I feel I have learned so much in the last few months since I joined. Thank you for what you wrote...I do hope I am an open Mom and want him to talk with me about anything.

It's kind of funny because he talks with his Dad about sports and T.V. stuff like that...and they have an awesome relationship. However, he comes to me to talk about "real" things. I love it! So maybe with him not saying anything or asking questions is okay for now...maybe he truly doesn't have any questions at this time.

[Jody M]

Shef and Mamabee- Hi! Thanks so much for responding to my post. and thanks Shef for sharing your experience- Yes adoptees can find it difficult to bring up topics. I do not think an adoptee should be forced to share- but just reminding them that if they should ever want to talk or ask questions about their adoption, you are open to that. I think in general ( of course not with all families) mothers are more prone to share on feelings and intimate issues and that is okay. I do think sometimes adoptive parents if they hear too much on their responsibility to share about adoption can feel pressure to talk about it often- but this is not necessary- there needs to be boundaries so the adoptee feels normal and not like it is a pressing issue. Mamabee, you have done fine to share with your son and ask him if he ever has questions or wishes to talk about his adoption or birth family to come to you. Many do not want to talk or share until they are older or even adults. Circumstances if their lives may trigger the "need to know" or questions so children are not wrong if they do not talk about adoption or ask questions- but at least Mamabee, your son knows it is OK to talk about it with you- that is GREAT! There is a great paperback book I read years ago (not an adoption book) called "All My Feelings are Okay"- an excellent resource for sharing intimate things with children, being sensitive to their emotions, and encouraging them to understand all their complex feelings and express them and process them in healthy ways.
As parents of children- we of course will not be perfect and I love that that is where we depend on our ever present heavenly Father. What a perfect Father and guide He is- we can ask Him and if we listen and read His word He shares His heart with us and nudges us in the right paths. Prayer is a beautiful avenue and journaling to God our feelings, questions and asking for guidance. He loves for us to lean on Him and ask for His wisdom. He gives wisdom to those who ask- Trust Him for He is so worthy to be trusted and praised!
Appreciate these posts and thanks girls!
Blessings, Jody