[Jody M]

Adoption reunions between adoptees and their birth parents, siblings or other relatives can be a scary journey for those who step into them.There is no one "road map" for all. Some adoptees search and find birth family and other adoptees are found by their birth parents or other birth family. Some call this phase of the adoption journey "The Rollercoaster" due to the high emotional feelings that can surface, and complex emotions -positive and/or negative..
If you have reunited with birth family, share some tips and suggestions for navigating the journey. What worked for you, what have you learned, what would you do differently, What would you advise others who are exploring adoption search and reunion or those who have recently reunited?
Some suggestions from my own journey and observations of others reunions from my local adoption support group. These may not fit all persons, just suggestions I am offering from my experience and others I have seen. Not the rule, and please share your suggestions/tips. Include Prayer as a priority in your adoption reunion journey- Our God is all-wise and all-knowing and He can lead us best as we ask him for counsel, and listen to his leadings and nudges.

1. Find a local adoption triad support group locally and attend to meet other adoptees and birth parents and adoptive parents. Listen and learn from their stories- from their journeys: their successes and challenges.
(Also participate on online adoption forums/groups )
The more you know about others and share with others the better equipped you will be to walk into your own reunion.

2. Read books on adoption to learn about other's experiences in adoption and develop a sensitivity to others touched by adoption Adoptionshop.com and Tapestrybooks.com, Amazon.com and Half.com are just a few websites where you can find many adoption books- new or used. Also your local library you can check out adoption books or get books from other libraries on inter library loan. (In state loaned books are usually free )

3. Reunions are between individuals-people who may have varied backrounds/experiences/personalities/ expectations. One must be aware of that when they walk into reunions. Take it slow as you feel ready and are comfortable to walk into contact and reunion.And respect the other persons' readiness.Do not call the other party for the first time at their job and/or do not go to their home and just knock on their door unannounced. This can be overwhelming and not respect the other person's privacy or readiness. Certified letters or having a trusted intermediary or friend or searcher make the first contact can be right for some. (But make sure the intermediary will represent you correctly and advise them what to share or not share with the other party.)
The best reunions usually start out with a good foundation of both parties respecting one another, listening to one another and negotiating the steps in the reunion. Some persons correspond by letter for awhile, others phone or e-mail one another to get to know one another better before contact. Always be graciously honest about your desires/hopes or what you are comfortable with or not comfortable with. Of course, this will not always make the other party "happy" And be patient, pushing others or forcing your way does not start things on a good foot. Emotions run high in reunion and recognize that some people can tend to be emotionally sensitive and vulnerable. Establish good healthy boundaries from the beginning. Share openly what you are ready for/comfortable with, and check with the other person and ask questions " Is this okay with you?" "Would you like to meet again soon, should we set a date- or can I call you?" Don't ever just assume how the other person is thinking/feeling/desiring- Check it out for the best communication.
PS. Also recognize that some people are very difficult and are extremely emotional or overly sensitive or have dysfunctional patterns in relationships and communication which will impact the reunion.

3. The first Face to face reunions are sometimes better on "neutral territory" for the first time- at a restaurant or public place, not in persons homes. If the trip will be extended,staying at a motel gives one privacy and a place to go for a "break" or rest or nap between meetings. Reunions can be emotionally tiring or overwhelming, and so little breaks or taking some time apart is advised. If possible it is best to bring along a good friend, spouse, support person. One may need the security of their spouse or close friend or someone to lean on, when meeting birth family for the first time. If possible, it is best for the birth parent or adoptee to meet alone or with few persons for such an emotional time. Meeting countless relatives and extended family can be too much too soon for some. Try to be "yourself" It is not always the best time to try a new hairdo or make radical changes in your dress. Wear comfortable favorite clothes that you feel good and secure in and others like on you.

4. The intial meeting time in reunions is often called "The Honeymoon". Emotions are high and expectations high. As with any new relationships there can be intense emotions, and a "surreal" like feeling. People are often on their best behavior and often our imperfections or flaws do not become visible right away. Though reunions often can bring intense happy feelings- they can also trigger old memories, feelings, experiences that were negative. People can be surprised at their own emotions in reunion- unexpected feelings surface. Be kind to yourself and to the other person and know that emotions can run high. And your emotions may not match the other persons, we all express ourselves differently. Try not to read into the other persons' intial response- for we are all individuals, and initial emotions don't truly tell the whole story of who we are.

Share your ideas or tips or feedback on things mentioned. The goal here is to help others navigate reunion the best way possible and for them to be aware of some common threads in reunion and possible roadblocks or barriers to a start of a good reunion.

Thanks! Jody