[Jody M]

Hi to all! Adoption comes with its blessings and challenges to all touched by adoption. What issue or challenge has been hardest for you. I think for me growing up in the closed adoption era is always wondering why I was placed for adoption- when adoptees come to the realization as a child that someone did not keep them - they are not old enough to understand the many struggles and problems and circumstances that would prevent a birth mother from being able to parent. They can feel like they were not good enough, or were ugly or flawed or unloved. This I have learned in my adoption journey is far from the truth. Birth moms made a loving though most difficult decision to chose adoption. The loss was the most heartwrenching issue they ever have experienced and it is an ongoing journey of healing and acceptance for the birth parents.
I also always felt "different" since I did not look my my birth parents or relatives-though we were from the same Caucasian race and heritage I longed to see my physical or innate personality or traits mirrored in someone else. Last night at the local adoption triad support group I facilitate our group witnessed the story and beautiful pictures of a birth mother- age 19 and her mother sharing about their inspiring open adoption with Adam their son and grandson. There are regular visits and it is evident that both birth and adoptive families care for and embrace each other- their goal the love and nuture and best interests of the adoptee. The pictures of the adoptive parents sharing their son with the birth family so unselfishly and in faith- spellbound all who saw these pictures. I know this is an example of God's ideal and in a fallen world this cannot work for everyone. But I know as I witnessed this- I can see that this is the way the adoption system should strive to be. Please share your experience with us here- thanks! Jody, a reunited adoptee with 3 birth sisters.

[Jeff K]

For me, the greatest challenges have been with feeling connected
and alive within myself. I've always had this blank, disconnected
feeling. I got saved in '89 and that helped alot, but as time wore
on, my issues of depression, deep anger/rage and profound
rejection from women re-immerged. Right now, the toughest
area is rejection from women. I am currently feeling very drawn
to an incredible woman I met at my church. she has been very
open and nice to me and I recently asked her out to coffee,
which she hesitantly said yes to. I'm not sure if she feels as
strongly, and I'm terrified because all my internal instincts are
telling me she will not like the real me. This puts me at a
dissadvantage because I am approaching her feeling very
insecure and vulnerable....girls usually prefer more confident
men. Yet, I can't stop thinking about what a great woman
of God she is and I'm hoping she's the one! Anyway, I'm
also re-starting a search for Birth Mom (last year I searched
and she told the case worker she wasn't ready to release info)
I'm hoping and praying for a reunion and that it will somehow
help me to become more centered and confident! I'm
also just now beginning to allow myself to grieve for the loss...
which is pretty scary because I've always been tought that showing my "weaker" more sensative side is shamefull!
Anyway, thanks for letting me express this stuff!

Jeff
www.jeffkoehnart.com

[Jody M]

Thanks Jeff for your insights and experiences in adoption. You have felt what alot of adoptees have expressed- A feeling of being disconnected- like there are "missing pieces" of the puzzle due to closed adoption. Am glad you are navigating into a search and I know the process will be a growing and stretching phase for you. You learn alot about you and your emotions. This will also help in your current relationships. Putting some areas to rest will open up your life in new ways . There is a peace in knowing some answers and to receive some closure for the great mystery of your life. I lead a local adoption triad support group in my area- and have been involved in these groups for 10 years. You learn so much from others who have searched and found and gain much emotional support and confidence.
God's blessings to you and may the Lord have some surprises in store for you! Jody m in IL.

[silverqueenbee]

Your question was what was the most challenging issue as an adoptee...I could totally identify with what you said in your post about wondering why you were given up; I was kept by my birthmom for 10 months before my bmom realized my bfather wasn't really coming back; she had two kids under 2 (the full-bio brother and I were 14 months apart) and no means of support, financially or otherwise. She kept my brother, which I learned as a young teen, I think. That was hard; I thought,"Why me? Was I the reason my dad left?" I felt alot of guilt and shame and struggle as a teen with a very low self-esteem. I married young and had a daughter of my own at 20; It's weird, what I knew of my bmom's life, I think I eventually made some decisions that somewhat parallelled hers. I was married when I had my daughter but divorced when she was two,and did the "single-mom" thing just barely staying off welfare while I put myself through school. I know growing up I always felt like the "black sheep" in my family and felt very misunderstood--heck, alot of the time I didn't even know why I felt so angry and alone! I understood the adoption in my head but my heart still didn't. This summer, I actually reunited with my bmom after 15 years of on and off searching and it was a good thing. I feel closure now, even though as a Christian, I had let go of alot of the feelings of insecurity and insufficiency over the years as I worked through stuff. Knowing now what I couldn't have known then, I'm glad she made the decision she did. Would I have chosen it, though? I don't know...it was hard to grow up always feeling different. Sometimes I wonder how things would have been if I hadn't always been so unsure of who I was. Becka

[Jody M]

Hi Becka- thanks for sharing your insights as an adoptee and feelings growing up of insecurity and differentness. I have heard alot of adoptees from the closed adoption system echo those feelings. I often wonder though if the "no talk, no counsel, no eduction" on adoption from those decades added to our feelings. We were not encouraged, many of us due to the psychology of the day to explore our complex feelings on adoption (which now they realize is very healthy) and many adoptive parents were not equipped to discuss adoption from an intellectual or emortional level so many adoptees came to feel it was a "taboo" subject. I know that was not true in every family- but many. I think the separation in adoption is always going to cause grief and loss in individuals- but the aftermath and how it is handled I do believe makes all the difference. At one point in my adoption journey the "light" went on for me- that I could embrace my adoptive family and be grateful for adoption in my life- but at the same time I could grieve the loss of my birth family and heritage and roots. After all- our begining story is a sad one- as the nursery rhyme- the bough broke and the cradle fell- it is sad that the mother could not keep her baby. For me- I wish I would have been encouraged and allowed to think on that and grieve it early- instead of supressing that grief until it surfaced in adulthood. To "protect" an adoptees from those feelings is not protection at all- they are real and a part of his/her story. But as a Christian I love the verse where God commands "Grieve, but not as those who have no hope" God was in control of my life and He knew the journey He would allow in my life, the people that would touch my life (good or bad) to make me who I am today. And adoption was part of His great plan for me- as it was for our Bible "friends" Moses, Esther, Joseph, Samuel who were all separated from their birth families for a purpose- God knew.
Thanks Becka for sharing!

[silverqueenbee]

Jody,
I think my adoptive family, while in general supported my questions regarding adoption as a child, but to help me explore some of the feelings that come with being adopted and having somewhat of a rough start ( I was in my bmom's care for 10 months, foster care for 6 months because my bfather didn't sign relinquishment papers, and then off to my adoptive parent's home when I was 16 months--Can anyone say "trust issues" ??).

I don't blame them for not really understanding that all that moving for a young child is traumatic; in a lot of way either purposefully or unintentionally (it's getting harder for me to believe the latter in light of all I'm learning), the system failed. I think the agencies and people involved in adoption should have told prospective parents, "This is going to be different than having a biological child" and then required support group attendance and perhaps counseling. I agree with your statement that the closed adoption era created some very real problems--not only for adoptees but for birth moms that I think were often told they would get on with their lives and not think about the child and for the adoptive parent's who didn't really get a clear picture of what it would be like. I think the system failed in all regards. I was adopted in 1970. It's amazing to hear what the DDS people told my birthmom and compare that to what was told to my aparents. Really amazing.

My aparents sent me to a counselor when I was about 15 or 16, hoping to help me with my angst. Looking back now, I brought up mother issues but the counselor couldn't recognize that some of my issues, maybe not all, were stemming from being adopted (even though this was something I had told him)!! I also think there is a really lack of understanding (maybe purposefully?) in the counseling and general community at large of HOW much adoption can affect someone. Maybe not everyone, but many people seem to have "issues" regarding it. Do you know if open adoptions came about because more and more adoptee's were vocalizing their need for information and change?? Another member asked me and I really don't know how open adoption came to be...just wondering. Thanks, Becka

[AntKnee]

My biggest issue I would have to say was my nationality. I was adopted by a very Italian family. I knew the circumstances of my adoption, so that was never a real problem. Even though I was adopted at birth, I have always known my bmoms name. My birthfamily (which I guess also makes me) is Irish. I always felt a bit ashamed when people learned my name and said something like "you don't look Italian". My answer was usually, "both my parents were born in Italy". That sort of appeased most people and/or sort of "proved" to them I was in fact Italian (which is what I wanted them to believe). However, I always felt like I was lying to myself as well as others. I so much wanted to be "really" Italian and also be my adoptive parents "blood". Though, I was really ok with being adopted and never really gave it too much thought, I just wished that I wasn't adopted. Not meaning that I stayed with my bfamily, but that I was not adopted and actually came from my aparents. I know that overall I was better off knowing my whole life that I was adopted, but some part of me seemed to wish that I had never been told... That way I wouldn't have been living this sort of lie or at least know that I was living the lie.

[Jody M]

Hi from Jody M! In one of the recent posts on this thread I noted that an adoptee mentioned the struggles she had when in counseling at age 15 /16 when the counselor seemed to not even zero-in on her feelings/questions on adoption. I too had this same experience when I went for counseling in my college years and when I was first married. Both counselors were not versed in adoption issues/feelings of separation, loss, identity relating to adoption, "geneological bewilderment" as it is called- feeling disconnected from your beginnings- feeling no port of entry to this world from a biological base. I remember my counselor checking to see if I had good parents and when this was the case, it seemed they could not envision that an adoptee's questions, feelings, struggles have to do with the current state of affairs but the dynamics aroung their beginnings, adoption story, birth family and the total mystery around this for those adoptees in the closed adoption system. I have devoted my life the past 10 years to attending adoption triad support groups and for the past 8 years have lead groups in Indiana and Ohio. I love the ability to educate and share books, resources on adoption, and allow the attendees to share their stories. So much growth in the members to understand adoption's impact on their lives and to correct any sterotypes or misinformation they might have carried about their adoption due to many who had little to no info on their birth family or birth history.
I have recently started my own Adoptee Mentoring practice to counsel those who need adoption issues specific counsel locally and by phone. I know there are some counselors out there who do this but they are few and far between and very hard to locate.
I hope others will find support groups and adoption specific counsel- for when one needs counsel on adoption issues/emotions/identity- they need one versed in this area- just like a person who had a foot problem would see a podiatrist. Thanks for letting me share- any others have thought on this or experiences being counseled by a counselor not versed in adoption?

Jody adoption@wideopenwest.com