[BrandyHagz]

In an attempt to create a more positive environment for all of our members, I have been advocating for change within the site regarding the use of the term ‘Birthmother’ when discussing or addressing a pregnant woman who is considering an adoption plan.

One of the people I have been speaking with came back with the following statement, which is why I wanted to bring the statement to you:

If you can call a pregnant women a mother before the act of giving birth, it certainly stands to reason that you could call a pregnant woman considering adoption a birthmother before giving birth, so why the split hairs?

So, if we can call a pregnant woman a mother before giving birth, why do we have an issue with calling a birthmother a birthmother before she has terminated her rights?

This isn’t my opinion on things – again, this was presented to me when the discussion was opened up by someone who is not a part of our business, but by someone who does work in the industry and genuinely wanted to know what my answer was to that question.

This topic isn’t a debate – I’d rather not see this thread turn nasty, but rather give me ammunition for a discussion that will be forth coming in the weeks ahead.

At this point, I have expressed the opinion that all change comes with opposition – that in the end, someone will rally against it for the sole purpose of ‘this is how it’s always been’. At this point, I have had some favorable feedback on my request – but I would like additional information that I can take to the meetings regarding this topic.

My plan is to copy and print out your comments – as members of the adoption community (not just our community, but the adoption community at large) and take them with me to our meetings so that the people I work for and work with can see that this isn’t just a one woman campaign for change, it’s a campaign led for and supported by those who are members of the triad.

Again, I ask you not to turn this into a debate…simply state your opinions and move on – if you’d like to debate the pro’s and con’s of adoption terminology or the use of coercive language in adoption, please create another thread to do it in.

Thanks so much!

[Leigh131313]

One thing that made me clear on how I felt about it..

As an expectant adoptive mom, you get matched with a Birthmom. This is how our agency titles people considerring adoption.

So, you are matched with "your birthmom". You may get to know this person over a period of time. When she gives birth and decides to parent, who is she? She isn't your birthmom. She is not the birthmother to your child....She was a potential or possible Birthmom.

So for me, it's the most accurate thing to call someone who is considering adoption.


(also adding, I realize people don't like the whole "our birthmom" thing, I'm just giving an example of adoption language I see regularly)

[BrandyHagz]

Leigh, so you think that calling a woman who is pregnant and considering adoption a birthmom is ok?

I guess my question is confusing. Its mostly geared torwards those who don't believe that calling a birthmom a birthmom pre-termination is right.

If its ok to call a mother a mother before she gives birth then why not all a birthmother a birthmother before she gives birth.

I think you might have misunderstood the question - it sounds like you are ok with the use of birthmother pre-TPR, which is the opinion of the person I had the initial conversation with that prompted this post.

[Edited to add: I want to hear from both sides - so thank you for posting Leigh I re-read and realized that maybe my post made it sound like I didn't want to hear from those who were ok with the current adoption terminology.]

[Leigh131313]

lol ,sorry!! I thought I was clear.


I do not think calling them a birthmom is ok. From MY perspective, they are a possible or potential birthmom.

Anything else for me, is inaccurate.


editted to add- I was showing how our agency calls them birthparents PRE-birth. Which to me doesn't feel right.

[BrandyHagz]

Gotcha.

So, why, in your opinion, is it not ok? If its ok to be a mother before birth - why not a birthmother?

[dpen6]

IMOWhen a women is called a birthmom, or worse "our"birthmom before the birth there is an implicit assumption that that baby is already the potential Aparents child. When in fact the child still"belongs" to herself and her body.....

I see onwership there that makes me uncomfortable....

[BrandyHagz]

Thank you dpen for your feedback

That's great - that's the kind of info I'm hoping everyone will provide (on both sides of the coin) so that I can show others what the adoption community really feels!

Thanks so much, I hope you won't mind my attaching your triad position to your comment?

[Leigh131313]

Why a mother before birth and not a birthmother.


Because you cannot tpr where I am, prior to birth. So Legally, you can not be a birthmother prior to birth.

If you are pregnant, you ARE the mother to that child there is no question, no papers to sign..it's a given. It would take intervention by someone to remove that title and give it to someone else, which cannot be done until after birth. You are at the very least Biologically that child's mother for their entire life.

[dpen6]

No prob...brandy

[Sniffles]

IMO the term birthmother just does not fit for a woman who is pregnant and considering adoption. Technaically she is still that childs mother until she signs the adoption papers.

[BestLight]

Originally Posted by BrandyHagz

If you can call a pregnant women a mother before the act of giving birth, it certainly stands to reason that you could call a pregnant woman considering adoption a birthmother before giving birth, so why the split hairs?

I think the important word is "considering." A pregnant woman isn't "considering" becoming pregnant; she IS pregnant.

But a woman considering adoption has not completed the action that makes her a birthmother -- making a decision to relinquish and following through. I've seen many posts that say this adoption decision can come only AFTER the child is born. This ideally conscious choice is what makes her a birth mother (or insert your preferred term here).

[happygmom]

Originally Posted by BrandyHagz

In an attempt to create a more positive environment for all of our members, I have been advocating for change within the site regarding the use of the term ‘Birthmother’ when discussing or addressing a pregnant woman who is considering an adoption plan.

Dear Brandy,

I would welcome that change. I cringe when I read it and even worse is "our birthmother". BTW - my cringing is for the mother and the unborn child - those 9 months MAY be the only time they are together as mother and child. So unfair to label them something that they are not.

Happy G'Ma

[bajj]

I am an adoptivemom. I did not become one BEFORE tpr and legally, didn't BEFORE finalization. How can a Birthmother be a Birthmother BEFORE tpr?

This is just my opinion.

[SchmennaLeigh]

You know I'd dig.

My opinion: I find using the term birthmother prior to the signing of TPR to be a coercive act used to separate a Mother, in her mind, from her child, long before the TPR is ever signed. This is my opinion and why I refer to such women as expectant Mothers or, if clarification is needed, expectant Mothers considering adoption.

[kakuehl]

Hi Brandy,
As a "birthmother" in reunion with my son (or should I say the baby I placed for adoption?) I've run into quite a few women on these forums or otherwise who object to the use of birthmom altogether. Some prefer first mother, others "natural" mother.

Personally, I don't object to birthmother - I gave birth to him. (This would raise a question for me, Can I be a birth mother before I give birth? It seems to me that while I was pregnant, I was his mother, the one who was nourishing him and caring for him -- yes I realize it was mostly happening automatically. as my body did what it was intended to do!) D's amom is the mother who raised him and so for me she is also his mother (without the a!). For me, in a very real sense, D has two mothers both of whom love him very much.

I don't know that this sheds much light on your question, but it's the best I can do right now!