[InBlindFaith]

Hi Brandy,

I'm a Birthmom. While I was pregnant I was the Expectant Mother.

The three days in the hospital with my daughter I was the Mother (until I signed my papers reliquinshing).

The six weeks until placement I was a Possible Birthmother (I was still able to contest).

After the ink was dry I became The Birthmother.

These were the labels I was given by my Doctor at the time. He was trying to be supportive during a very difficult time.

[InBlindFaith]

What is the difference between FirstMother and BirthMother?

Is a Firstmom someone who is in an Open Adoption and is part of the child's life? And the Birthmom is someone who is in a Closed Adoption with no contact? Or is there no difference and it's a matter of what you are comfortable saying?

I have never heard Firstmom before coming to this board, just wondering.

[bajj]

Originally Posted by InBlindFaith

What is the difference between FirstMother and BirthMother?

Is a Firstmom someone who is in an Open Adoption and is part of the child's life? And the Birthmom is someone who is in a Closed Adoption with no contact? Or is there no difference and it's a matter of what you are comfortable saying?

I have never heard Firstmom before coming to this board, just wondering.

Hi Roni! Firstmom and Birthmom both refer to the lady who gave birth and chose adoption for her child. Some people also say Original Mom. It just depends on what you are comfortable with.

[InBlindFaith]

Thanks Bajj!!

[crick]

I've deleted several posts that were debating other member's posts.

Remember...you post your opinion and that's it. This thread is not open for discussion of disagreeing or agreeing with other posts.

[Scarlet Moon 13]

Originally Posted by sammyhas3

I was going to be a MOM before I signed adoption papers...... I am still a MOM. I may not be a parent to this child but I will always a mom....... I am a parent to Two other childern that I raised and a mom to the daughter I am reunited with. Just a mom, why do they have to but a Lable one me because I chose something I thought was best ?.......... so I will always be a Birthmom to all my childern

I have now seen a few writings from married woman who refer to the child they give birth to as birth children after they adopt a child.

I all of history, women who give birth are mothers.

Women who adopt become mothers

sometime in the last 30 years, women who gave birth and gave up a child, became birth mothers, to make them different from all other mothers..

So being a birthmother does say something about the woman. whatever the reason, she was religated to the non mothering role of birth mother.


When in reality, birthmother is the title the explains without having to say a word, what happened to that mother who no longer has her own children.

Ex-wives without custody, could be considered birthmothers, but they would bite your head off it you said it to them. After all they didn't give away their child, they just lost physical custody to the dad. Or they share custody.



I don't object to being called a birthmother in todays society. Much of it is true. Too young, no money, no help, makes for unable too. But that isn't all true, I had the ablility, just didn't get the chance becuase of the rest, to prove it.

But I was his mother first, I did love him first.. I did not see him first, I did not hold him first, (never allowed in hospital) That little time he was mine, has to count for something.

OK I am still sharing, not debating, I don't really disagree with anything that has been written. I am not trying to change minds. I am just trying to put a different spin on it.

[TOWANDA]

Fine by me, Birth mother seems aptly descriptive and appropriatly benign with just a hint of recognition. I personally fail to see the offense in the terminology.
Symantics are annoying. Would they prefer broad, which I believe is the term used for a pregnant cow. Not too flattering in my opinion. I suppose the term expectant mother would not be deemed appropriate either by those who take offense as the plan is to give up the child so perhaps expectant birtmother while perhaps more accurate again still be considered offensive to some.
What would they like?
The parturient vessel?
The gravid female?
She who is great with child?
Whe who is big with child?
I find them all a little wordy and people who take offense are generally high maintenance and there is no way to please them, they will always be unhappy with something.Do they want to right or do they want to be happy? I have heard the term First Mother which I think is nice but I bet you dollars to doughnuts it would not sit well with adoptive Mom's and I can understand why it wouldn't. I owe the woman who raised my daughter a huge dept of gratitude and I willing give up my claim to be called mother. If as and when the majority rules and the terminology changes with the tides of political correctness I will go with the flow. It is not something I would go to war over. Just my opinion.
Cat

[merrill1277]

If you can call a pregnant women a mother before the act of giving birth, it certainly stands to reason that you could call a pregnant woman considering adoption a birthmother before giving birth, so why the split hairs?

Just a few thoughts on this...


1. Calling an expectant mother a birth mother before the birth of her child can create a subtle expectation that she will become a birth mother or is in the process of becoming one, prematurely. Think about the power of suggestion even if subtle, especially over someone in a vulnerable position and wanting to do what is best for her baby. Should there be room for these subtle expectations or other influences, when such could result in the permanent (physical) separation between a mother and child that otherwise might not have?


2. The bond between a mother and her unborn baby (for most) begins well before birth, and is so much more than a physical connection only but an unseen deeply felt bond that continues through time and space. The pre-birth bond (imo the beginning of motherhood) is what compells her, as any (healthy) mother, to protect, care for, and do what is needed for her unborn child's physical and emotional health, safety and wellbeing. Does this term birthmother reduce her role to an event (birth)... albeit an important event, even before the birth of her child which could, in effect, separate her body from her mind, soul and spirit... the parts of her where a mother's bond and love resides? What does this psychological separation or 'shutting off' of the fullness of emotion, feeling, thought, connection do to the unborn child? If this thought process is occuring in the minds of others (for example agency or PAPs) how is it influencing her own thought processes?


3. Last, a quote to think about:

"If thought corrupts language, language can also corrupt thought" George Orwell.

What comes to people's minds with the word birthmother? I guess this would depend on what and how each individual thinks, but on the internet people think out loud and I frequently see use of the term in a reductionist way - reducing her role (pre or post birth) rather than accepting the fullness of it - the danger of this to the still-expecting mother being that she could internalize this (reduced role) and prematurely shift away from feeling the bond that is there between her and baby, causing her to prematurely relegate decisions to others that should still be hers to decide. Considering adoption is not the same as actually choosing it after the birth (for those who have real choice) therefore I don't believe an expectant mother should be called a birthmother.

[msdesi]

I've been thinking and thinking about this since the topic first showed up and I think I'm finally ready to reply.

Labels labels labels...what to do about them? Bear with me please, I promise I have a point. Lol. When I was growing up, lots of people referred to me as "Oriental" and I didn't mind at all. Then one day I heard it was icky and politically incorrect...little by little I started to feel it was a wrong thing to be called. The standard term today is "Asian" but just recently one of my younger cousins was saying that's icky/politically incorrect/inappropriate. She says people should ask before applying a generic label. I never had a problem with "Asian" before but thinking about it, I can see her point. Birthmom is same situation for me. I was called a birthmom pre-placement by the agency. Never thought about it at all. Back then, I can't say having that title applied to me pre-placement was the thing that made me feel coerced. I did not feel "less than" either because clearly I was the one carrying life. I still attempted to parent for 1 month before external pressures and bad circumstances caused me to go ahead with the adoption. I didn't even consider "birthmom" bad terminology until I visited here...now it feels icky and not ok. So my answer now is no, a mom cannot be a birthmom pre-placement. Clearly that offends many and that's a good valid reason as far as I'm concerned. No one like to feel this way and I'm sure no one wishes to offend. Before I wouldn't have thought about it but now I see why that's no good to say birthmom pre-placement. I must say I had no idea that "potential birthmom" was offensive but I guess so.