[mom2GRLC]

Do you ever get frustrated on these forums? It seems like every subject has to have confrontation. You come looking for support, advice or just to chat with others but to often it seems like there is always a debate or arguement going on or in some cases worse....where people start butting into others real lives and cause disruption(one person I'm thinking of in particular but won't name).

I know most of us don't come looking for a fight, at least I hope not. But it always seems like that ends up happening. Why is that?

Have you ever felt like these forums were actually more hurtful to you than helpful? If so what keeps you comng back?

[lahdh4]

There have been a few times where I was reading a thread and just got disgusted with it and some of the responses that I don't go back into those but I find in a whole that there are plenty that I want to read and do.

I keep coming back because I know that there is some light hearted matter (chit chat) that on my very low and bad days I can come and get a smile and I will only stick with those.

[Jessiedo]

I think it's basically because adoption is a highly emotional topic which has deeply affected us all. How can emotions not run high?? We just need to step back and realize that most people are reacting from hurt and pain.

....if I recall...you came on strong towards me once ....I basically just ignored it entirely (until now ). People don't know all the facts in situations....they don't know the people and the background....something strikes a chord in someone and they react.....

I keep coming back for the education, the support and to interact w/ friends, altho' most of my communications w/ friends I have met here are done in personal emails and/or by phone.

I basically take the advice I choose to, advice which is beneficial to me and leave the rest where I found it.

I find it difficult to believe that someone who felt the forums were more hurtful than helpful would still be coming back.

I think the forums are alot just like life....you get out of them what you put into them.

[mom2justynsarah]

I have found these boards to be very helpful. I am an adoptive mom. I have learned a lot of things. There are many people who can relate to me. We provide each other with a lot of support, compassion, understanding and sometimes just a sympathetic ear.

Sure, I have gotten blasted sometinmes. But there are others who have come to my defense. It's just the nature of the beast. I give my experiences. I also take what it is most helpful to me. I weed out the rest.

[mamabee]

Sure, I came here because I had a problem with my daughter and wanted advice. Since then, I came here to read and learn. I have a whole new prospective for all those involved with the adoption process. Thus, this forum has been so therapeutic for me and I hope it will be for you too.

[votemom]

the only threads that i find offensive are the ones that are political.

i mostly stick to the russia board, and there is just NO conflict or bashing there - zero! it's great!

[BoxerLady6]

I honestly keep quiet about I a lot of things I feel because I feel they may not be the "popular" opinion. Its not anyones fault persay BUT anytime you get a group of people together you have so many different opinions.
Sometimes I can voice my opinion exactly how I feel and other threads I chose to walk away from.
Trust me its not just adoption forums. lol. I belong to forums for dog owners too and if they don't agree with you it can become an all out war. I like to be candid when I can but sometimes you just have to know when to walk away.

[Shay]

This thread makes me laugh...only because I can SOOOOO relate! I have had my ups and downs (more downs) with this forum and I guess what keeps me coming back is the fact that I can make some laugh and give information that may be helpful to someone. I know the adoption process is emotional and it helped me to be able to come here and find a little humor to cheer me up. I also have a few friends I have met that have been true friends that keeps me coming back.

I do not claim to be perfect (would be boring if I was...hehe ) but if I can just make one person happy then I feel good...ya know.

[Poolside]

Mostly helpful. It's hard to hurt my feelings. I do get mad when someone sidetracks a thread with an opinion just to be contadictory and not what they really think. Some internet users do it on purpose just to get people riled up. Mostly, though, the users are respectful. I try not to let the 5-10 annoying posters get to me.

[mom2GRLC]

I too feel like I walk a fine balance of wether this site is actually helping me and my family or hurting it. While I do love hearing others expereinces and feelings and feel that I have learned so much through this site. I also feel the opposite.

When you share something and then receive negative or strong differing opinions on the subject it's almost like others are judging your parenting skills or even your right to be a parent. Like their judging your motives for every choice you make for your child and questioning wether it is a justified reason for making that choice and if they feel it's not then something must be wrong with you or you must be thinking of yourself before your child.

I guess I just didn't realize how strongly people can think of the same situation in the opposite way. Before I came to this forum my views on adoption were so positive....but now the whole expereince just seems to be viewed as such a negative thing. It's like it has taken away my innocense. Instead of feeling happy and greatful for the blessings I have in my life of finally being able to be a mom and have a family, I have spent the last year and a half consumed with guilt and sadness for something I don't have any control over...the loss my childrens birthfamily must be feeling.

I hear so many terrible stories or hurt, confused adoptess and it is just so sad. You rarely hear positive stories from the adoptees on this site. So it instills even more fear that your children that you love with all your heart will be angry with you and abandon you when they grow up(for their REAL families).

I understand that there is a lot of hurt and pain and sadness in adoption.....but why can't we see more of the opposite and talk more about the joy and blessings it brings into our lives and our kids lives. Not only for adoptive parents but also for birtparents and adoptees.

I just miss being able to look into my kids faces and just have joy in being their mother without all the extra worries and guilt and all the mixed feelings associated with the whole guilt/sadness/loss/anger I've now realized is all part of adoption. But why did I have to see that other side of adoption. Why does it have to affect me and my family so much?

I do feel I am better off living with my eyes open than in some dream world. I do feel that hearing from others experiences and feelings will help me better support my children in their feelings and experiences as they grow up. I guess that is what keeps me coming back. Because I do feel that I learn something and I do feel that by doing so I can become a better person. It's just sometimes very difficult to take in ALL the opinions and feelings everyone has and not take certian things personally and to know what to do with all the information and feelings involved. If only I could just leave it right where I found it....but I can't.....it becomes a part of me and changes me and how I think about things or view things. Both a good and bad thing!!!

[Racer22]

Part of life is everyone has an opinion. It is what you do with someone else opinion that is what messes us up. We can let some else opinion bug us. I know that sometimes that can be hard but that will in the long run make a person stronger.

I am in search for my bfamily and the court hopefully be opening my case next week. The people that I talk to on a regular basis are very nice and very helpful. We have all been supportive of each others problems.

If something someone say bothers you either let them know or completely ignore it but you can't habor bad feeling about someone because of an opinion. Everybody here has grown up in different situations under different surcumstances and our opinions is what makes us individuals.

I know what I have said may make someone mad but it is their option to have that feeling .

Jed

[Shay]

I am all for everyone having an opinion that is what makes us human but at the same time it is when they are tacky or just down right rude that it makes a difference to me. I am only speaking for myself. Thanks

[spaypets]

Originally Posted by mom2GRLC

I just miss being able to look into my kids faces and just have joy in being their mother without all the extra worries and guilt and all the mixed feelings associated with the whole guilt/sadness/loss/anger I've now realized is all part of adoption. But why did I have to see that other side of adoption. Why does it have to affect me and my family so much?

I think seeing those things will make you a better parent. Your children will be less likely to be bitter and angry because you now recognize that at various points they might feel a loss or void. Being able to acknowlege and validate that will help them.

As aparents, adoption represents almost no loss. It's hard for us in our joy to realize that others hurt. But it's important to our kids that we do. It's important for us to recognize what bmothers go through so we can talk to our kids about it or, if we are in open adoptions, understand the sensitivity of certain issues in our dealings with our children's bparents.

[spaypets]

As for the arguing. Speaking for myself, I have learned the most from people who disagreed with me. And, I think I've helped other people see things differently when I disagreed with them.

[joskimo]

Originally Posted by spaypets

As for the arguing. Speaking for myself, I have learned the most from people who disagreed with me. And, I think I've helped other people see things differently when I disagreed with them.

I think that's a good point, but I have definitely gotten my feelings hurt more then once on the boards and I've told myself I'm never coming back but look, here I am. I get more out of it then not. But I've been pretty blunt too when it's called for.