[julie23]

sigh.... me, too, GE.... about not knowing quite what to say....

somehow, I view my life as just that... MY LIFE.. but kind, loving people ask the usual questions as they get to know you.... in some ways, it's small talk... in other ways... they really do want to get to know you .. and they say "how many kids do you have?"... and if I say "3"... I feel like a liar again.... if I say "4"... I Feel like that requires an explanation.... which I don't necessarily feel obligated to give..... but somehow... don't feel like I am being honest if I don't explain.... because I don't HAVE four daughters.... I gave birth to four daughters..... I HAVE three.... and by "have"... I mean I have the responsibility of three.... I "own" three so to speak.... financially, emotionally, physically.... they are tied to me for life... the other one... belongs to someone else.... in that "have" sort of way....

I am trying out this answer for people.... "I have 4 daughters but I am only raising three."... which, also requires an explanation.... and for me... I also have 2 sons, that were premature births... and didn't survive... so maybe a better answer would be "I had 6 children... but God has only gifted me with 3 daughters to raise.".... and maybe leave it just like that.... that would leave them confused for some time, wouldn't it????

and actually..... truthfully... God has now gifted me with a relationship with that first one... I didn't have the opportunity to raise her... but I now am in a relationship with her......... sigh, again....another explanation required....

why is it so important that we define everything??? (that's coming from your in-house mathematician!!)

why is it that we have to have a place for people? a title... a relation....

to understand each other better? for what purpose?

my sister is a stepmother... and she refuses to use that word.... when she reads Cinderella to her bio children she just says mother.... she doesn't want them to ever know her as a "stepmother" because of the evil connotation society attaches to the word....

I don't like calling my first child my birth daughter... because all four of them are birth children.... yuk... don't like that...

I actually don't like calling the first one "the first one"... because I didn't raise her as MY first one.... my second one was my first one....

maybe it is because of my mathematical mind that I have such a problem with samantics... with words... with finding the "right" word to describe this circumstance in my life.....

sorry for rambling.... but obviously... I just can't get my brain around it all!!!

julie

[RiverGal]

I have also struggled with the PC thing to say when I speak of my children. Over the era of "labeling" every little thing and trying to be PC, I fall all over myself.

Even on the forum, I go to say something about Stacy and I identify her as my "oldest"...she is, but she isn't. Jennifer is technically the "oldest." Am I supposed to clarify and elaborate by saying "my oldest parented child?!" How confusing is that???

Missy faces the same thing with the death of Chance. When someone asks how many kids she has, she doesn't know what to say. She said she feels guilty if she claims to have only 2 boys, but if she says 3, that leads to an explanation that one passed.

My theory is that when relating to strangers, I say I have 3 children...partly because Jennifer is not part of my life in a physical way...only emotionally.

She is certainly no secret, and I will freely share my feelings and information when I think it can somehow benefit the person I am communicating to, but sometimes too much information only puts people at a disadvantage. The are caught off guard and feel it is somehow necessary to offer the obligatory remarks that they "understand," or whatever...like I need some validation that I am "okay."

~Deb

[katnap80]

Deb.... I totally agree with you. I too will freely talk about my only daughter, but I guess it is on a need to know basis. In yours and my case, we are not "lying" either. The question was "How many children do you have"? Unfortunately we do not HAVE our eldest children yet. Saying that, I never give up hope I can someday proudly show off pictures of all 3 of my children together (instead of separately)

It is a beautiful day out here. Am out clipping the bushes and cleaning leaves. Each townhouse has a very large Maple tree in their backyard. You can just imagine the leaves!!!!! Talk about back breaking work. My massuse just called me from Ottawa (3.5) hours away. He's on his way back through Toronto and will stop in. Now I have to allow time to primp for a dinner date and if I mind my table manners, I get a (((((massage)))))) . Great way to end my days off!!
Enjoy your week end
"K"

[Linnie65]

I've said this before, as an adoptee, I have ONE mother. The one who raised me. (possibly I'd feel differently if I had felt any kind of connection with the "other mother" I don't know). But I totally understand that she HAS THREE CHILDREN. I will always be her daughter, even though she's not my mother. How crazy does THAT sound?
When we went to meet her, she had my pictures already all around her home with her other kids - she was so happy to have that and we took many pics of the three of us together - that was very important for her to have pictures of all three of her kids. I understand that. But then it does get confusing when that small talk comes up!
Julie- the pictures of your girls are beautiful! It is wonderful that you have those.

Busy weekend. We race motocross and that starts Sunday along with my daughters tri-state gymnastics meet, so we'll be seperating on Sunday. oh well.

Have a great weekend everyone!

Linne

[lyndalou]

Hi All~ That question of "How many children do you have?" came up for me just recently... again. I was at a funeral & automatically said 3, then corrected myself & said, "Yes, 3 girls & 1 boy, I have an older son who I recently found." But then there's the whole explanation that must necessarily follow. I appreciate hearing how each of you handle it. I have no secrets anymore but don't always want to get into this discussion with people. When we were first reunited, I told the story to anyone who would stand still long enough to listen! It eventually began to drive my D/D #3 crazy, so I stopped talking when she was around. That hurt me but I realized that her age & immaturity dictated her ability to understand. Besides, I didn't want to distance her from her brother by my exuberance. I really felt like I was walking on egg-shells. She's more together with it now.

[lyndalou]

Katnap, hope you have a nice evening ! That Massage sounds soooooo good, could use one myself!

[katnap80]

LL.... "How do yours, mine and ours families handle this"?

nails done. make up done, hair done...haven't decided what to wear yet cause I don't know where we are going. Black outfit a tad too dressy for McDonalds or pizza, track pants a tad to slouchy for the Keg. I'll line up a couple of outfits and accessories and wear a robe for the time being. Must remeber next time to enquire.

[skinnylou]

LOL..Kat you gonna dress as he comes up the walk? Just don't forget to dress!!!

How many children do you have? I have four children a son and three daughters. I did not say that till our reunion. My children all know and there is just no point to say anything else. Then the part I love!!!!! What are their ages? 25, 21,17 and 12. "You don't look old enough to have a child 21 much less 25!!" That's right "Back to me!"

[cute]

Hello Katnap and all: When talking and am asked howmany children do I have I say 4...We do have 4,and Lindz is our eldest daughter.She has come home & we feel so blessed to have her back.
I will not take away from her parents who raised her as they did what I could not at the time.
I do believe it is so as Lindz & I had such a connection from the get go.We hung in when things were rought and worked through many things.
IMO: that is what makes it different also the fact that her b/dad and I went on to marry and she has 3 full siblings,she is our eldest daughter.I thank god every day that she did come home.
Linnie do you think perhaps if you had a better connection with your b/mom it would have felt different?
Just a little something to ponder....catch up later ladies.
Sandra

[katnap80]

He showed up with pizza and ceaser salad and said my attire was fine. (Dressing gown covers more of me than clothes do, so I was decent) We sat on the back patio, had our dinner, laughed and drank a bottle of wine. While he ran off a report, I got my back massaged and he was gone by 8:45 and the dog and I went to bed a half hour or so later. I am up killing some time before I have to get ready for my shift (7am), Back to the old grind.
SkinneyLou.....My boys are very receptive of having a sister. Guess it was made easier as another step sister (paternal) popped in to their lives spring of '04. (father has a 26 yr old daughter, raised by her mom, but he hasn't associated with her since daughter was 3, now denying she is even his...but that's another story) AfterI told the boys about JA, the only question they had, was "Are their any more girls out there we should know about"?) From time to time, my 21 yr. old has expressed interest in calling his "sister". Doesn't understand the boundries of reunion. (some days, I would love to give him the phone number, too) Males are just so different from females, I am finding.

Have a great week end, ladies.............

[tigger4jdt]

I guess that I am a little hesitant to share too much, as "C" is still a minor and we are still in the very early stages of getting to know each other as much as you can via emails. We've gotten 2 pictures from her, and I have to admit that she is just BEAUTIFUL!!!! We've also had so much going on with waiting to find out for sure when we will be transferring, and the things that "C" is doing, that I sometimes feel a little overwhelmed. It's hard to believe that just 3 weeks ago I got the letter in the mail!

Trying to remember who said it, I think it was LL, but I often have the same problem with my son when mentioning "C", so I try to be sensitive to his feelings as well. They have all, except the 4 yr old, emailed a couple times, so I think that things will be ok when ever we do get to meet face to face. Who knows though. We are just enjoying this time of getting to know each other as much as we can right now. As I feel comfortable, I will share more, but for now, I'm holding these times tight to my heart. I'm sure you all understand.

Some of you have been bragging on the beautiful weather you've had. Well, we have had snow this weekend!!!! Not fun when you were planning on playing all weekend with the new quads! We still got a chance to go, but had to drive an hour away to get to an area that was warm enough and had no snow! Oh well, hopefully this will be the last crazy weather weekend, and we can start enjoying our new toys every weekend.

Love,

Tigger

[clion]

You know, I've been ponderin' how I would answer the question posed if I were in your shoes and I have come to a conclusion. I would answer it in the way I felt most comfortable with at the time of the asking. I say this because every situation is different and I think one would have to go with their heart when they answered it. Now I realize this might be called fence-straddlin' .
When My Bob was asked how many children he had he always said 3 - all were mine by a previous marriage. He had a child in his first marriage which ended when his lst wife left with their child. He never saw the child again until one day when the now 30+ person called. He made plans, took them to lunch, was so excited at the chance to be with and get to know his child. As soon as lunch was over, the "child" got up and started to walk away. My Bob asked where they were going and they said "I'm Leaving".
" But I thought we were going to spend some time together and get to know each other," he replied.
The "child" response was something like - oh no, I 'm through, I just wanted to know what you looked like - and walked out of his life forever.
When we were talking about our obits one day I asked him how he wanted me to list the 4 kids. He said" I have 1 daughter and 2 sons - not stepchildren." and list their names and families. Finally, several days later he said, if I thought it was right I could say he was survived by another daughter. But in his mind, the only ones who were children of his heart were my 3. So you see, there are many who , through circumstances, perhaps not of their choosing, answer that question from thier heart and what they feel is right for them. IMO, the only right answer is what the individual feels is right for them.
Wow, sorry, I didn't mean to get so serious. I just get really angry when I think about how hurt B was. I just know that the other child was the Big Loser - not ever knowing what a warm and loving father he was. I try to temper that anger with the thought that their feelings perhaps were shaped by what theyhad been told all their life - but still they were an adult and should have been capable of finding out on their own. Now they will never have the chance to know.
OK. I'm really off the soapbox now. Waiting for the rain to come in = possibility of 70-80 mph winds and damaging hail - but hey, this is Oklahoma - just wait five minutes and it'll be different.
Everyone have a Super week
Hugs
Carol

[lyndalou]

Hi All~ Carol, what a moving story & one that aptly illustrates how the number of offspring can be interperted in many ways. Your Bob's daughter will probably never know what she missed out on, but your children sure know. Isn't it wonderful that he felt that way about them?

[InionGrinn]

((((((((Carol))))))))))) Thanks for sharing that story. It makes me realize how much we don't know about people when just meeting someone for a quick few hours....that young woman must've truly missed out.

TIGGER! Of course it's understandable to keep all that's going on close to your heart. Don't feel obligated to share anything here that you want to keep to yourself! This is all just too special! We are here for you in thought when you need us, just know that!

KAT - your dinnerdate/massage sounds out of this world! What a great way to spend a night.

In Local News - Christina has a NEW TATTOO PEOPLE!!!! Yes, I did it. I jumped in and got one. And not a wussy one either. It's totally decent (translation: good sized, unique, cool) and I LOVE it. I was nervous but it was a date with me and hubby...who was totally impressed that I went through with it. Should that make me feel good or bad? I would have NEVER backed out! Doesn't he know me? But he thought that since I had that needle phobia I'd be a puddle on the floor. Which I was NOT. Turns out that I don't have needle phobia - but the all the more common blood pressure raise/drop regulation thing that makes my ears ring, nausea set in and faintness...but my artist knew all about that and stopped working, gave me water, chilled for 5 minutes till I came back around. Apparently this is VERY common! And all this time I thought I was a pansy!!!!

So, dh was so jazzed by his toughgirl wife getting ink that he decided he MUST get another tat, right then and there. So 4 hours and 300+ bucks later I go back to the studio to pick him up with a brand new dragon on his forearm. It is really gorgeous actually.

The funny part was going to pick him up with my two kids. I think of myself as a bit on the conservative mom side of things, but there I was with my 7 and 3 year olds, in a tattoo parlor, watching daddy squirm as a tatted-up cc guy with waist-length dredlocks finishes his work. Kids took it totally in stride, as if visiting a tattoo parlor was as ordinary as going to the library!

Gotta love how kids just go with the flow of all things normal.

[skinnylou]

Chrissy~Did I miss it ? I read your post twice! What is it??? What did you decide on???? LOL...Where is it????