[Ragnarok]

I strongly dislike my son's adoptive parents. I have been trying to work out why that is and it hit me when I read what someone posted here about adoptive parents putting on a front for the birth parents. Do they need to appear perfect for their benefit or for ours? Is it supposed to make me feel better that they are so much better at parenting than we would be? Is it to make them feel superior and justified in being the ones to raise the kids? His mother in particular makes me feel inadequate, or at least has the gift of being able to bring my own feelings of inadequacy to the fore. Let's face it, if I did not feel I was inadequate to do so, I would be parenting him.

Am I inadequate? Would I really suck as a parent? Or are those just paranoid delusions to make me feel better about someone else raising my son? Do I tell her she makes me feel this way? Or just deal and let the rage live on?

Brad.

[gwen grimwood]

the dislike of your childs adoptive parents seems to me to be a gut reaction.every one deals with these types of things differently.it just goes to show that you love your child an awful lot,so don't be ashamed!but I would keep quiete as it could make things akward for your child too.

[Volfe]

Oh I wouldn't take it personally. I like my son's parents and not my daughters. My daughter's is IMO two-faced. The mother is nice around my other two kids, not so nice around just me... like she doesn't have time to talk to me or anything. I know it's her, or a social more. I don't know exactly but its not personal...

Basically, I think their actions result from insecurity... at least hers does. She knows i am a good mother to my two, i do it alone, and I do it well. I didn't feel capable of taking on 3, even with the help of the birth father (who was guarding his money jealously).

I don't let their opinions of me (or my perceived opinions) reflect on who I am. I get down, trust me, very down but what I think they think is not who I am (make sense?).

I cannot address the parent you would have been... who really can? Even aparents who've dreamt of parenting forever might not be the parents they imagined themselves to be...
But for myself - I could easily have parented another - I could make the sacrifices, etc etc but I felt the risk of suffering existed and I felt there was a better chance of future opportunity for her as an adult if she grew up with a more established family. As a parent I think of the whole 18 yrs, and the outcome, an independent adult... I want her to have the opportunities I did not have.

It's Ok to not like them. I'm there with ya. I'm not their friend and if they think less of me (I have to interact with her friends sometimes and they are not friendly to me - makes me think the feeling comes from her) that's on them. Oh well, not everyone likes their family and this is similar I think...

Take care

Maia

PS I am nice to her though (2-faced, right?) since I think that's the way to go in this.

[spaypets]

Brad, I think all parents, but particularly adoptive parents, are inclined to put their best face forward particularly in a situation where they might be judged.

And who is more likely to judge than one's child's birth parents (at least in the mind of the aparent)? Of course she's going to feel like she has to put a positive spin on everything--you might think she wasn't doing a good job. And she might not feel entitled to be this child's parent. So in an effort to build herself up and give her the sense of entitlement, she is (probably inadvertently) tearing you down.

Also experienced parents just _love_ to share their parenting wisdom with inexperienced parents.

You don't say how old your son is--if the placement is fairly new, she might just need time to feel secure. Meanwhile, perhaps you can try to channel your anger into compassion. After all, she has experienced losses too. Perhaps focusing on those will lessen your anger.

[dkb60]

is that as a younger person in a closed adoption situation, it took me many years to come to the conclusion that I deserved to parent. I fell into the "you screwed it up royally the first time, what makes you think you can do this." category.

Then I had children and found out that I/we are great parents (my kids might tell you differently as I have hear the phrase "you are the meanest mom" quite often). I am very confident in my ability to raise my children so when I had the occasion to meet my bdaughter's parents, I really did not feel some of the feelings I hear are common for bparents. I didn't feel in competition or jealous or hateful, towards them. I just saw us as 2 sets of people with a common love for young woman. Each of us had/has an important role in her life. And in some ways she is in control of what that means to her as an adult more than we are.

The adoptive parents have been nothing but wonderfully welcoming to us. I hope they say the same about us. And if we did have differences, as adults with a common interest it would be our duty to set it aside for the good of our child no matter what her age.

D

[sugarbabysmommy]

I can only speak to my experience, and maybe it will shed some light for you. As an adoptive mom I am very aware every day that I am judged by a different scale. One of my closest friends said to me when my child was about a year old , "I have to say, you are just like any other bio mom out there, I wasn't sure you were going to be when you first became a mom, but you are." Now this is a woman I have known for 25 years, one of my nearest and dearest and she had been sitting in judgement of me for a year waiting to see just what kind of mom I would turn out to be. It stung. It also made me hyper aware of the other people in my life, and did bring up the old fears of will I be good enough, will I be as good a mother to my child as I know my child's birthmother would be.

I do try to reassure my child's brithparents we aren't total srew ups. I personally have a lot of guilt over the pain they have both endured and want so badly to raise this child well, and for them to be secure knowing baby is being rasied well. It never dawned on me that my sharing with them the things I do could cause them any more pain, or cause them to feel inadequate.

Only you can answer your last set of questions. Is the anger in any way part of the loss you feel in general, are they (the adoptive parents) the target of your anger over the entire adoption? I know that I mean no harm, and it would kill me to know I was causing it. Maybe that is true for your child's adoptive mom as well. Or maybe she just loves to sing her own praises- been in line in children's clothing stores with way too many of those types- and this is one irritating aspect of her you'll just have to figure out how to deal with (sort of like dealing with a MIL's annoying behavior). Before you decide to bring it up with her, try to sort out how you are feeling as best you can.

Rage is a heavy thing to live with. Anyhow, thanks for pointing out how it feels to be on the receiving end. I'll think twice now about how my attempts to reassure them comes across.

[ellemeth]

Is there a large age difference between you and the a-parents? JR's parents are only a few years younger than my parents. The generation gap makes things difficult for us. We don't really relate to each other well becuse we are at different points in our lives and I have noticed that they have a tendancy to want to give advice. I don't appreciate it but they can't seem to stop. Also, My oldest SD is three years old and JR is only 16 months old. JR's parents seem to feel that they know everyhting about parenting even though I was parenting SD before JR was even born. I will continue to parent SD as both grow older.

They seem to feel that they have to prove they're better than I am. They don't seem to understand that it's not about who's better. It's not a competition for the child's love. And if it were, I know I would lose. They are Mommy and Daddy and I'm just a nice lady who meets them at interesting places and always comes bearing gifts.

[Ragnarok]

ellemeth, that is it exactly! They are close to 20 years older than I am, so maybe it simply is a generation gap. My wife likes to be mothered, so she loves them, but I find it stifling.

They have nothing to prove to me. They have three kids, all adopted, and all great kids (Matthew is the youngest, at 4). Obviously they are doing a good job with parenting. There is NO NEED to show off.

Brad.

[janetleigh78]

Hey Brad,
I see what you are going through. I never really thought about the aparents being insecure about their abilities but I guess the fact that they have to be interviewed and studied over and over could put you into a complex.
There are just so many stigmas surrounding adoption. I was raised to believe that adoptive parents were saints and birthparents must've just been irresponsible, incapable, human beings. So of course, I was afraid of being stuck into any category... and to tell you the truth, most people who hear that I'm a birthmom instantly start making judgements as if the situation can't just BE.. it must be good or bad and they always have to find out who is the bad guy.
Is this all about our internal draw toward drama? If it is, I really don't care! People need to get over their reality tv/shock tv/jerry springer complexes... I just want us all to be able to say "I have a son/daughter" and not have to fit into a category or ease other people's minds that its OK. We have enough to deal with just being human much less the concerns for our children just like any other normal parent.
So who knows, maybe you're judging you, maybe she's judging you, maybe you're judging her, maybe she's judging herself, or maybe everyone is just mixed up in the predispositions set forth by our predecessors that say this can't just BE and be OK. I decided a long time ago that I'm going to be what I am for my kiddo and be it as best as I can. That doesn't have to interefere with or be compared to their roles. Its not a competition Know that you've asked the question and gotten all these great answers, you're armed with knowledge and hopefully that'll HELP prevent it all from getting to you.

[MNelson]

Brad, I agree with the poster who said to try to sort out what is motivating your rage before speaking to the aparents. But I believe if you still have issue, and truly believe that the a-mom is going over the top, then try to work on something to say to her that can gently let her know how it makes you feel.

I know as an amom, I am imposing judgement on myself and trying to present a super-mom appearance to our son's birthfamily. I believe in actuality I am a pretty great mom, but even though I'm personally secure in that feeling, I do often feel I need to present that to the birthfamily so that it might bring them some peace. I'm thinking now after reading your post that I shouldn't have been quick to tell b-grandma in my last letter that I am making all our babyfood from organic fruits and vegetables! LOL

If my sharing of all these details of our homelife were hurting a member of our son's birthfamily, I would really want to know it. What I would suggest to you is when she says something like "I don't believe in the cry-it-out sleep method, we forego sleep to be responsive and make sure that junior grows up to be secure." How about in response, "wow, we sure appreciate how well you are parenting junior, but hearing these details makes me sad that I'm missing out on doing the same." It shows that you recognize their efforts, but does not diminish your ability to be doing the same under different circumstances.

Of course these are my words, and what would be a gentle wake-up call for me, so you'd have to decide what works for you. But I encourage you to communicate once you can get past the peaked emotions you are (were 7 days ago) feeling.

[Ragnarok]

Thanks Plareb. Funny to look back at what I wrote 7 days ago. Now I am one week from seeing them I am a quivering bundle of nerves. Any anger pales into insignificance next to the trepidation about the meeting. I want to see my son but all I am thinking of is excuses not to go.

[MNelson]

Does it help to realize that they are probably a bundle of nerves, too? Just remember, you ARE a great dad, that's all that matters.

[Ragnarok]

Nope, no help at all.

How am I a great dad? I am not even a dad. Just a sperm donor, when all is said and done.

[79nic]

Brad,

You're a dad!!!!!! Just like I'm a mom!!!!!! Sure there is a qualifier in front of it ("birth"), but you're still a dad...

You're going on the visit, aren't you? Even though you're nervous, you're still going, for your son... And you and your wife (gf at time, right?) thought about what to do... you made a parental decision to place your son...

You're a dad!

And from what I can tell, yes, a good one.

Let us know how you're visit goes. Thinking of you.

Nicole

[michellemartin]

No, if you were just a sperm donor, you wouldnt care enough to even be here today. Just being here proves that you are a dad and not a sperm donor. I dont know you personally, so I wont say I know you're great, but how your posts sound to me, it makes me think you are a thoughtful and considerate guy. That would lead to being a good dad, I think. Being there for your bchild is a very tough thing to do at times. How often do you communicate with the ap's?