[janetgw]

I am the mom of two beautiful boys, yet I desperately want a little girl in my life. I am torn on whether to try one more time for a girl, and know that no matter what we are through, or go to China and bring home a baby girl. I wish God would strike me with lightening and tell me what to do! Does anyone have any advice on what made them go to China and not have another biological child? I would love to hear from you. Thanks!

[sak9645]

Having a bio child and having an adopted child are both excellent options. I must say, however, that if you really, really want a little girl, the odds are a lot better with China than with letting nature take its course. Let's face it: if you conceive, your chances are about 50/50 that you will have a girl. If you adopt from China, your chances are about 95/5 that you will have a girl.

It sounds as if you have some concerns about adoption or China. I'd be delighted to talk with you about the subject if you are interested. I brought home a wonderful daughter from China when she was 18.5 months old, and she is now almost 7.5 years old, so I can speak both about the adoption process and about raising a Chinese daughter.

Sharon

[janetgw]

Sharon - thanks for your response. I think you are right about the much higher chance for a girl with China. I definately really, really want a girl. It is the main reason my husband isn't sure we should try again. He is afraid I will be really disappointed if we have a third boy. I am ready to sign up with the agency today and start the process. My husband has some concerns about having a third child (time and the expense) and if she will feel different in a family with two blond brothers. How has your experience been? My area (Massachusetts) has a lot of interracial families, so I don't think it would be a big issue. All I know is I would love her as I love my boys.

[reneetaylor]

Don't limit yourself to China! If your husband is concerned about a Chinese daughter fitting in or not, then you may want to consider another country. I adopted my daughter from Russia and she could blend in with just about any caucasian family out there. All you have to do is specify to the adoption agency that you want a girl. People do it all the time and it isn't a big deal. No risk what so ever! You ask for a girl and that is what you get.

I think it is great that you want to adopt as a way to add to your family. My daughter is the best thing to ever happen in my life, and having a girl is so much fun. Follow your heart and see where you are led. God will show you the place where your child is waiting.

Good luck,
Renee

[janetgw]

Thanks Renee - I will definately keep all my options open! I appreciate your words of encouragement. I certainly pray that the path to my daughter is found soon. Its driving me crazy! Are you currently working with Russia? I heard they are not giving out very much info on the child they refer you. Have you heard about this? Thanks! Janet

[reneetaylor]

Janet - I adopted my daughter 5 yrs ago, but I still try to keep up with adoption news overseas. In my case, I told my agency the basic criteria of the child I wanted to adopt (healthy, boy or girl under 12 months old) and then I traveled to Russia and met my daughter. There was more to it than that, so if you want more details, let me know! I am now going through a great agency for the adoption of my son from Guatemala and they were telling me not too long ago, about how things are going in European countries too. It sounds like you don't get much info to start with, but just about any country allows you to specify the sex and approximate age of child that you desire.

Have you thought about looking on the "Precious in His Sight Photolisting"? You can get a great idea of the children available and the country requirements for various locations around the world. It also provides connections to a large number of reputable adoption agencies as well.

Let me know if I can help you out with any info!

Renee

[sak9645]

...and you can't go wrong by choosing it. The main drawback is that it is a bit long these days, although China is trying to reduce the wait.

It is always smart to think about the challenges of transracial adoption. Some people make the decision that they cannot handle them. On the other hand, those of us who are parenting Chinese children know that we wouldn't change things for a minute!

When you adopt transracially, you become very conspicuous. EVERYONE knows how you formed your family. Some very private people are uncomfortable with this. My daughter and I are not very private people; we'll talk about adoption anywhere, anytime!

Some of the people who see you will ask you very nosy questions at very inappropriate times, such as in the checkout line at the supermarket. People who wouldn't DARE ask you whether you had a vaginal delivery or a C-section will not hesitate to ask such questions as how much the adoption cost, whether the child was abandoned, whether he/she is "normal", etc. Again, this can be disconcerting. And the questions come when your child is present, even if he/she is old enough to understand and be upset. We don't really mind the questions, because some of the questioners are asking because they are beginning to consider adoption or have a family member who is in process; they have worries and concerns, and I try to address them. However, I also have some nice, general answers for the nosiest of them, so that I don't have to discuss family finances and such. I plan on taking my daughter through a program called "WISE Up", which helps kids learn how to handle very personal questions about their adoption story, although she's doing very well on her own, at this point.

Some people ask really stupid questions, too; it's annoying, but mainly you have to resist laughing out loud. Before I decided to place my daughter in a private, religious school when she reached kindergarten age, I went to enroll her in public school. She was with me and chattering away as usual. Despite the fact that I told the school that my daughter came home when she was 18 months old, and despite the fact that she was talking nonstop, beautiful English -- she is bright and exceedingly verbal -- at least four people insisted that I fill out a form about getting her ESOL help, since she was from another country. And we were living in Washington, DC, which has a huge adoption community! (We have since moved to a very Asian neighborhood in suburban Maryland.) There have been families in the U.S. who have been asked if their children only eat Chinese food, if their infants speak Chinese or English (actually, they just say "Bababababa"), and so on. There have also been families who have been asked why they adopted a Communist; sorry, but even at 7, my daughter isn't reading the words of Chairman Mao yet!

When you adopt transracially or transculturally, you need to get to know other families that look like yours. If you are already ferrying kids to soccer practice, ballet lessons, birthday parties, sleepovers, and school play rehearsals, you may not really want to add yet another set of "travel" requirements; nonetheless, it is really important for you to join adoptive family organizations, such as Families With Children From China, and participate in their celebrations of holidays, their playgroups, their culture camps, and so on.

When you adopt transracially or transculturally, you need to find positive role models of your child's race or ethnicity, too. If you happen to live in a diverse area, this may not be difficult; however, you really need to think about how you will accomplish this if you live in an area where Asian faces are singularly lacking. It's nice to watch Michelle Kwan compete in ice skating, but it's even nicer to have Chinese, Vietnamese, Korean, and Japanese neighbors, as we do; some transracially adoptive families actually move to more racially mixed neighborhoods, for this reason. My daughter is particularly enamored of a Japanese man, and has frequent "dates" with him -- particularly important, since we are a single parent family. (Hiroshi and his Caucasian wife have bio teens and have been foster parents; they are safe and nurturing, and we are blessed to know them.)

There is racism in our society. Parents who adopt Black kids often have the hardest time raising their children to have positive self-image, because they know that their son will be followed by security guards if he goes into a store; the prevailing image is that Black males will be thieves, drug users/pushers, fighters, sexually aggressive, etc. They know that their pre-puberty daughter, who barely knows the facts of life, will be assumed to be promiscuous and interested in having a baby, not in education.

But Asian kids are subjected to bias, too; it's just more subtle. As an example, you will hear people say that "all" Asians are smart, good in math, clean, and respectful. Well if your Chinese child happens to be good in art, but terrible in math, she's going to have a tough time meeting the academic expectations and feel terrible about it; fortunately, we don't have the problem as Becca is a great student, but many people do. And if your child happens to act like any modern kid -- occasionally noisy and messy -- that's good; the "China doll" stereotype is inappropriate for a self-confident young woman in our day and age. When you adopt an Asian child, you have to deal with the stereotypes and help your child reach his/her full potential despite them.

My daughter is greatly loved by all the families we know. And I've actually had parents of boys get upset when Becca (now 7) and their sons no longer play together as they pursue different interests; they seem to have been interested in having a Chinese daughter in law. However, in adolescence, racism MAY mean that some children will be pressured by their families not to pursue a dating relationship with your Chinese child. This may be hard for your child to accept, and you will need to be able to cope with his/her feelings.

Every family seems to have at least one bigot in it. Maybe it's grandpa who fought in a war against Asians and sees them as the enemy, using words like "gook" to describe them. Maybe it's an aunt whose Black cleaning lady is the only non-White she's ever gotten to know, and who makes it clear that she thinks Blacks are inferior. Maybe it's a great aunt who wants to include in a family picture only those children related by biology, and not those related by adoption. It is very difficult for an adoptive family to deal with a bigoted relative. Yet you must do so in a way that lets your child know that you will NOT tolerate anything short of full acceptance of him/her in your family, and that you will NOT tolerate bigotry in general. Unfortunately, that may mean not inviting the bigot to Thanksgiving dinner, even if it is your father in law, unless he can watch his mouth and not use racial/ethnic slurs, or refusing to go to a Christmas party where your grandma gives gifts only to her bio grandkids. It is painful, but it's part of adopting transracially.

Becca is my only child. However, I know many people with both bio and adopted children. You have to recognize that, by adopting transracially or transculturally, your whole family becomes biracial and bicultural. Most families proceed by getting EVERYONE involved in activities related to celebrating the adopted child's heritage. As an example, the bio child may be given a Chinese outfit just like his/her sibling's, to wear to the Chinese New Year party. The bio child may take Chinese lessons with the adopted child. The bio child may learn Chinese cookery with Mom, or help to pick out Chinese artwork for the house. The bio child may go to "culture camp" with the adopted child. And so on. The bio child, in turn, can be helped to understand his/her own ethnic roots and to appreciate how, for example, his own bio ancestors came from Russia or Germany or Ireland and had to learn the customs of their newly adopted country. Your adopted child will become proud of these special ancestors, too.

In many cases, it helps if an older bio child comes to China with his/her parents, when they travel to adopt. The child can see the country for himself/herself, and may bring back lots of memories and souvenirs. This will really help when he/she must present projects in class, and will also help when he/she hears comments like, "She isn't your 'real' sister" or "China kills baby girls." Most non-adopted siblings become real pros at sticking up for these siblings when their heritage is under attack.

There is always going to be sibling rivalry, even when there are two bio children. A house with bio and adopted kids is no different. Sometimes, the message is a little different, as in, "Mom, why do we have to do all this Chinese stuff? You must like him/her better than me." But the response is the same; the parent simply has to be as evenhanded as possible, celebrating the achievements and personality of all the children, and has to reassure both children that they are loved and valued.

In short, there ARE challenges to those who wish to parent transracially or transculturally. But there are also great joys to being a bicultural family. Your own horizons get broadened, as you add your child's heritage to your own, for one thing. I find my life so much richer today than it was before I adopted, partly because I am a Mom, and partly because we have turned into an American Chinese Jewish family! Some of my own best friends now are adoptive families, and my house is often filled with delightful little Chinese girls, as well as with kids of other sorts, both bio and adopted. Talk to a lot of adoptive parents, and you'll find that they wish they could adopt a dozen more! I know that I do!

Sharon

[janetgw]

Wow Sharon - thank you so much for that message! It was full of great information and I appreciate the time you spent on it. I have spoken with a few adoptive moms who have also expressed similiar issues. I know one mom whose daughter is routinely stared at in the grocery store, to the point where the little girl asks the people what they are staring at! I think unfortunately some areas do not have a lot of interracial families so many people are not exposed to it. I live in a community full of asian familes. There is even a Chinese Bible School in the next town. I know that there will definately be challenges, especially from some of the older generation. I know that my 80+ year old grandparents will have some reservations, but thats them and their upbringing. Its unfortunate that this type of bias still exists, but like you I hope to meet it head on and not have my daughter ever feel second best to anyone. I would love to get my boys involved with her culture. A few Boston groups have a big Chinese New Year Celebration each year and I would love to involve my whole family. I like you am also interested in the Chinese culture and would love to know more and help her understand her culture. I want my husband to read your response since I think he is concerned about some of the issues that you raised. I don't think I will feel that conspicious with a chinese child since it is so prevelant here, though I do wonder what will happen when she is a teenager or adult and we are walking in the mall together. Will people think we are mother/daugher or just pals. I guess I look at it like I have to take one thing at a time. I am sure at some point you no longer look at your daughter as a Chinese but only as your daughter. I hope that I can experience that someday. I have to make this quick as my two year old son has no patience for me on the computer. Thanks again- its was very informative! Janet

[sak9645]

1. I can only hope that I will see the day when I can walk in the mall as the mother of a grown daughter. I am 57 years of age now, so do the math. In 20 years, I will be 77. I will be so happy if I am still well and active that I won't give a darn what people will assume about what Becca is to me! Fortunately, we live a long time in our family, and keep our "marbles" for a long time too; my Dad died at 84 and my Mom at 85, so the odds are good that I'll still be around. Still, I will still count it as a blessing if I live to see my daughter married and, even, a Mom.

2. Becca "fits" my family so perfectly that it's actually hard to remember that I adopted her! The relatives listen to her chatter, for example, and remind me that my Mom used to say I was vaccinated with a phonograph needle; we are both blessed with the gift of gab. The relatives see her with her head in a book, and remind me that I was a bookworm, too. What they don't realize is that I'm really pleased that Becca didn't inherit the family allergies -- and that she is a darn sight prettier than most of us, by a long shot!

Sharon

[cmb]

You and I are in the same boat in a couple of ways. I have 3 biological boys and a stepson and we are in MA!

When my second son was born, I was shocked that he wasn't a girl. I don't know why, but I thought he would be. I actually grieved a little right after he was born, but very quickly, I fell in love with him. My pregnancy, labor and delivery with him were uncomfortable to put it nicely and I swore "never again" after him. I felt that "loss" of a dream of having a daughter for a long time.

Then, I became pregnant with my third quite by accident. I had an amnio because of my age and found out that he was a boy. I cried for exactly one day and then just told myself to get over it. His pregnancy, labor and delivery were a piece of cake! He was an easy baby. I was happy.

My husband had a vasectomy while I was pregnant with my third, so there was no more option of trying for that girl. I thought I was really ok with that until I somehow found myself researching adoption online. China is the answer for us because there are so many girls, and also because this process has evolved from being about "the girl", to being about helping a baby who needs a home. Not out of pity, but out of *gratitude* for having been given three healthy babies and a loving husband to raise them with. I feel so lucky, I want to share it! It is so much more to me now than being able to buy girl clothes, making pigtails, the first communion dress, prom, etc., which is what I used to think it was about. Now it is more about sharing our blessings with a special little girl who happens to have been born across the world and, in our case, who may be referred to as "special". I will still get a kick out of all of the Barbies, nail polish, etc., don't get me wrong!!!! It is just so much more now and I have to say I probably wouldn't have experienced it this way if I had a biological girl. (I would have appreciated her for more than her gender, of course, but - well, I hope you know what I mean.)

The choice is obviously still yours, and I would totally value/support either one, but I thought I'd just share my experience/outlook. Feel free to email me privately if you wish. Good luck!

[janetgw]

Thank you so much for all your wise words. It helps to know that there are other people who have experienced similiar feelings. I can certainly relate to feeling depressed about not having a daughter and its nice to know that I am not selfish to feel that way. I went shopping with a friend tonight who has a beautiful 20 month old girl. It gives me a pit in my stomach to look at all the adorable girl clothes and feel that maybe I will never have the chance to buy those things for my own little girl. I hate to feel jeolous of my friends with girls, but I also cannot deny those feelings either. I feel so strongly about adopting and hope that my husband, who is a little reluctant about this, will come around and see the joy she will add to our family. I know my boys would welcome her with open arms. I think I will also feel that she is so extra special because of all that we had to do to bring her into our lives. Sometimes I think God gave me two boys just so that I could go to China and bring home a little girl who needs love as much as we all do. Thanks again for all your wisdom!

[Daisies500]

I can relate to this issue all too well. My husband and i have 2 boys, 3 and 4. In November I gave birth to our daughter Mary; unfortunately she was stillborn. I can't tell you how badly I wanted that little girl. She was so gorgeous. I have wanted a daughter ever since I was a little girl. When I found out I was expecting a girl, it was like all of my dreams came true. Losing her like I did, I wonder sometimes if wanting her so much, I was punished. (I know, probably not, but all these thoughts go through your head).

Not long after that loss, I started hearing and seeing a lot about Chinese adoptions. I had never even considered it before, but it was like a light bulb went on. I felt like we were "meant" to do it. But....I also felt like I wanted to give birth to one more child. And, I am 28 and my husband is 29, and China requires both parents to be 30. So, we began trying to conceive a few months ago and it happened very quickly; I am now 5 weeks pregnant. I would be overjoyed to have a girl, but I feel so sure about adopting from China, it isn't vital. I had originally felt that we would stop at three, but it is such a life-altering experience, losing a child, that I would love to have four children. Two boys and two girls would be great, but as long as I have *one* I'll be happy.

It's funny how many women want daughters nowadays. I suppose we want to share all those things we loved; I read all of the Little House on the Prairie books ten times each, loved dollhouses, etc. I guess men are the same way with their stuff and their boys.

Heather

[janetgw]

Dear Heather - first off I want to tell you how sorry I am for your loss. I don't think many of us can even imagine what you and your family went through. I am glad to hear that you and your family are moving on and expecting another child. Please do not blame yourself for this tragedy. I have a friend who lost twins at 20 wks and she too wondered if it was something she did. Only God knows why these things happen. Not that it makes it any easier.

I can certainly understand your desire to have another child. I had very easy pregnancies and deliveries, which is why I am considering having another baby. But because I feel so strongly about having a daughter, and my desire to do as you said, read Laura Ingalls and play barbies, I feel the best avenue for me is adoption. My biggest problem is my husband is not sure about this and is happy with two children. I have yet to figure out a way to express my intense feelings about wanting a daughter. I even went as far as to write him a letter as if it was written from our adopted child. That made a momentary impact and then I think he moved on. I guess I can only hope that what is meant to be will be. I am keeping my fingers crossed!

I also feel a very strong pull toward China, though I wouldn't rule out Russia either. I feel that it is the direction I should focus on. Now I just need to get my husband in my court! He was this way when I wanted to have my two boys, if I hadn't said lets do it now we would still be childless. Men can be so stubborn! Thanks again for your response. I hope all goes well with your pregnancy.

[Daisies500]

Thanks for your post. I'm lucky my husband is willing to go along with whatever. He actually teased me for a long time that he wanted eight kids. (no way!) Perhaps you could drag him to a local Families with Children from China event or meeting. Seeing those beautiful faces are bound to touch his heart. Afterward, you could sit with him and explain how much it truly means to you to have a daughter. If finances are an issue, maybe you could play with your budget on paper and figure out where you can cut corners for extra money. You're probably aware there's a $10,000 tax credit for adoption expenses now. This can reduce the cost of adoption to about $6,000.

Let me know how it works out for you!
Heather

[janetgw]

You know Heather I think I will take him to one of those events. Plus I would love to see how my boys, who are 2 and 4 would react. I think they would probably have a ball! I also think it would be good for my husband to talk to some of these families and find out how great their experiences have been. Keep your fingers crossed for me! Janet