[Daisies500]

I'll keep my fingers crossed. I've heard of plenty of families where the husband had to be dragged kicking and screaming into adoption, and then are the most loving fathers to their daughters you could imagine. Sometimes men just need a kick in the pants. You need to be proactive, though, to push him over. Definitely go to an FCC event, and talk to other parents. I really think it will convince him.

Good luck!
Heather

PS. Feel free to email me at sinaminngirl@aol.com

[Byrnes]

Both of our daughters are adopted from China. We don't have any bio kids. When we first began our adoption the International agency that we went through required perspective parents to go to a clinic where they discused adoption issues. I had felt in my heart for about 3 years that we were supposed to adopt our children from China, and I didn't need to go to a clinic to discuss adoption issues was my feeling,(I laugh about that now) but my husband was not so sure. I'm so glad that we went we both learned so much and when we left the seminar the first thing my husband said to me as we were walking to the car was "I'm so glad we did this, now I know this is the right choice for us" They spoke about the different countries that they represented and what the process was like for each country, it was very informative. Some families went in thinking about one country and out thinking about another, it helped others decide if adoption was right for them. Anyway it might help your husband to hear the different points of view. Good luck what ever you decide to do.

[janetgw]

I think you are right about having as much information as possible. I have a hard time getting my husband to talk about a lot of this. The more he hears and is exposed to the more he will open up to me about his concerns. He says he is keeping an open mind and knows how much I want to do this, yet something is still holding him back. We can afford to adopt, so money is not an issue, I think its the thought of 3 kids and paying for college. I live for today while he is thinking about 14 years from now! I will continue to be persistent and educate him as much as I can. That is all I can do I guess. Thanks for all your input. It has eased my mind a great deal and I feel that adoption is the right answer for us.

[chik-n]

Janet,
Wanted to check to see if the system is working. I've reponded twice but can't find my entry. Stay tuned and I'll try again. I'd love to respond.
LA

[chik-n]

Janet,
Wow, you've had lot's of responses! We have three boys, ages 15,6,3. I really wanted a girl the second time since we were going to be a 2 child family. We decided 3 would be it... boy or girl. As you can see we were meant to go to China. It wasn't quite that easy though. My husband was apprehensive. I pointed out little Asian girls in movies or at the mall and talked about going to China for our daughter any oppportunity I could find. We were at a school picnic one day when my husband said,"Isn't that the cutest little girl you've ever seen?" I was balancing my 2 yougest on a picnic bench along with my friends 2 little ones. I glanced down to see her at the table which was end to end with ours and agreed she was cute. Not a minute later the little girl jumped up to play and MY HUSBAND had scooted down and was in the middle of a how to adopt from China discussion. I sent the kids to play and joined them. By the end of the picnic my husband said we just couldn't afford it now. That was my hint that money was my only problem.
I'll continue on new entry.
LA

[chik-n]

I immediately got on-line and requested info. from any agency offering China. All those little packets with pictures and videoes really help. I also went on IRS web page. I found our state offers a matching tax credit. I pulled out last years taxes worked it all up and found if we took out a series of small loans throughout our adoption we'd only be out our interest after 5 years . That's less than what many insurance deductabes on a pregnancy would be.
LA

[chik-n]

As for people knowing your daughter is adopted, of course they will and isn't adoption a BEAUTIFUL thing both you and she can be proud of? One of our boys is very blonde, one dark blonde, one light brown until teenager and now as brown as brown can be. People often ask if one of them is adopted. My oldest and I have been shopping alone several times when sales people comment how nice it is to see a bother and sister who get along so well. (i was 19 when he was born) There are know guarantees people will know any of your children are yours.
I'll continue on new entry
LA

[chik-n]

You nnedd to find a way to make adopting from China within your husbands comfort zone through information. It may be financial info, observing happy adoptive China families or talking about it in front of extended family. Remember it may not be in their comfort zone either, but dealing with their reactions may help your husband get comfortable with it. All of these adoptive and cross cultural things are good things to be aware of but not necessarily things to be afraid of. My guess is you have boys because your daughter is in China and you quite simply can't give birth to a Chinese baby. My husband tells anyone and EVERYONE we're going to China for our daughter, even more than I do. My advice is to give your husband info ,when he drops a hint of interest schedule an info meeting with an agency. Then it's some thing he wants as much as you.
LA

[ccbubbless17]

Heya!

Try again or adopt from China?? I'd say adopt from China, all the way! BUT where am I to say?? HeHe, this isn't up to me! I guess this decision has to do with expenses and if you truly would want to adopt? I have a sister from China, and quite honestly, it was my idea to have my parents adopt, but when they told me from China, I wasn't thrilled. I thought about the difference in looks, me having hazel eyes and light brown hair, she'd surly look different. As time went on I got more and more interested in the idea. I couldn't get over how beautiful these children are. Now that I have my sister, I couldn't think differently of her than her being a wonderful gift from God! She has truely changed my life. My first trip to China was to get her, and after being there, I had a desire to go back. I looked for a mission trip. I found one and raised the $2000 dollars to go and I went back to China, this time without my parents. I worked in an Orphanage and Foster home. Let me tell you, those 2 trips were the best experiences I've ever had in my life. They have been the basis of the rest of my life!! I now plan to go to College to Major in Social Work, working with Chinese adoption as well as learning Mandarin Chinese! I'd also like to adopt at least 2 children from China when I'm a adult (and hopefully married!). I am thankful for my sister, and I think adoption is a BEAUTIFUL thing! But with whatever your decision is, I'm sure that it will be what is best for you! I hope this helps you out a little, from a sisterly point of view, I love her more than words describe-hehe, even though she does get on my nerves at times...but hey! What are sisters for??!

[janetgw]

I want to thank everyone for their words of encouragement! I laughed when I read that my daughter is in China and I can't give birth to a chinese baby! Thanks for the chuckle! Everyone has been great and full of such enthusiasm! I hope some will rub off on my husband! I feel the this is meant to be, even to the extent that I ordered a few books on Chinese adoption to read this Spring. Also, Bubbles, it was great to hear your perspective on having a chinese sister. My boys are too young to really understand it, though my 4 year old now wants a sister with black hair and not blond like him. For a llong time he wanted her to "match". I had a hard time explaining to him that she would look different! Thanks again for all your posts! Janet

[lerstswede]

to Chik-n!
Thank you thank you! I have 3 boys too and have an overwhelming desire/need to adopt a girl!! Thanks to you and all the other posts, I don't feel guilty for wanting her. I haven 't even discussed this with my husband yet, but hope that he will be open to it. I am SO relieved to read that i am not the only one out there with these feelings (and having 3 bio boys too!)
I will keep you posted on how we are progressing....

PS-To Janet: I went for #3 and desperately wanted it to be a girl. It was another boy, of course. I love him to death now, but I was devastated and depressed for quite some time. However, as another member wrote, God gave me 3 boys so that I would go find my daughter in China!

thanks again!

[lerstswede]

Amy,
Great to hear that you have the same feelings as me! My husband and I recently talked about adopting and he was open to it, so I am very happy! He is perfectly satisfied with our three boys and could stop there, but he knows how much I want a daughter so he is willing to do it for me. I can't believe he would do that considering all that it will take on his part too to raise another child. But, I should feel very lucky that he is so supportive.

Lately, though, I've been thinking to myself, "am I crazy to even be thinking about doing this?!". Even though I very much want a daughter, I wonder if she would "disrupt" somehow the "boys club" I have going in my house, i.e. will something change in our family/in my boys if we adopt to make me regret my decision?? Did/do any of you with bio boys think this? Or am I just imagining things? I guess this stems from friends I have who also have three boys and are stopping at that. They say things like, "oh, I am SO glad I have just boys; it will make my life so much easier. They all like to do the same things. " And, then I also hear the "I am SO glad I won't have to deal with a teenage daughter!". Maybe they are just trying to make themselves feel better since deep down they too wanted a daughter? They don't know that we are talking about adoption; they say these kinds of things a lot, in general.

Anyway, if any of you have any comments for me/any advice, I would appreciate it. I guess I am just trying to sort all this out and think everything through carefully...

thank you for listening!!

[allyk]

Hi Janet -

I'm so glad that I found your post again. I was not a registered member since I was just looking for some adoption thoughts from other people. I didn't think I was going to post at all until I saw your post. I registered just so I could reply to you. We are in the exact same boat. Although I am a little bit further along. I have 4 boys.

They are wonderful and I love them to pieces, but I have never stopped wanting a girl too. If you are at all like me, you may have said to yourself that surely the next baby will be a girl, because you can't imagine feeling complete without one and that is just what is supposed to happen. I just couldn't imagine that God wouldn't give me a girl at some point. I was really shocked when the third baby was another boy. We decided to buy the book about how to choose the sex of your child. I charted and did ovulation predictor tests, etc... for six months and when I got pregnant, I just knew it was going to be a girl. The heartbeat was fast, I felt different. I guess I was just wishing for the signs to be there. Another boy. I even feel guilty for even wishing for a girl. I mean, hear I have these healthy, wonderful boys. There are people who never have children or suffer horrible tragedies regarding the health or birth of their children, and hear I am quibbling over the gender.

I can't imagine loving my boys any more than I do. I am a stay at home mom and they are the absolute loves of my life. But if you really feel strongly that you need a girl, I can tell you that, at least for me, the ache has still not gone away. I try at every turn to try to get over it. Then someone I know has a girl and I feel resentful or get depressed. I used to feel that it wasn't fair to my boys to even think about wanting a girl. Now I think it isn't fair to not do something about it. They need me with a complete heart and getting a little sister in the bargain will be a great thing.

We have researched a company in Virginia that does sperm sorting to increase the chance of having a girl. Their success rate is 92%. That might be an option for you. I can't remember the name, but I'm sure you could find it using Google or some other search engine. I'm still thinking about it. But something tells me that I should go for the adoption. At least the chance of a girl is 100%. I can't pretend that I wouldn't want to have a biological little girl. But I think the pull of having any girl is stronger. I keep thinking of all the little girls in China without a mother and here I am a mother without a little girl. Maybe this is why I haven't given birth to a girl.

I apologize for rambling. But I feel like so many people I talk to are in a different place with adoption because they can't have children. I almost feel embarrassed to talk to them because I feel so petty and selfish. It was really nice to see that I'm not alone. Good luck with your decision.

Allyk