[blueamy76]

I'm trying to come up with a good list of questions to ask when we pick up our son in China. Just wondering if anyone has some suggestions. Send them all my way; I'd like as inclusive a list as possible. There's so much I want to know about my son's life in the last 29 mos! But I just don't know where to start.
Has anyone already been? What questions did you ask? What ones couldn't be answered? What ones were?
I'm getting so excited! Hopefully travelling in a little over a month!
Thanks!!!

[KarenInCa]

We received our daughter in the hotel. So, it might be different than you expect. But regardless of where you meet your son, you will have the opportunity to ask questions from the person that delivers him to you, a nanny from the orphanage or possibly the director of the orphanage, or possibly even the foster parents.
It was important to us that we find out information for our daughter too, to try to help fill in the gaps for her. And the older she gets, the more happy we are that we decided to try.
Some things that we found helpful to ask were:
Can we visit the orphanage? (In your case, asking if they will also invite the foster parents for the same day)
What is her favorite food?
What makes her laugh?
What is the name of her favorite playmate?
What are the names of her main nanny (foster parents)? Ask that they write the names in Chinese.
Do you have her finding ad?

And if you are fortunate enough to meet the foster parents, ask them to talk into a video camera to say something to him for his future.

Things we did not ask, that I wish we would have:
Was she left with a note?
We also did not ask privately for the address to communicate with the nanny in the future. We've been told that her nanny is no longer at the SWI (although this might be misleading information to cut ties), and now we really wish we could write to her and send her updates of our daughter.

[PiperH]

Originally Posted by KarenInCa

And if you are fortunate enough to meet the foster parents, ask them to talk into a video camera to say something to him for his future.

Our son wasn't fostered, but two men who said they were directors and one nanny came with him. They came to our hotel room. We had the choice of doing it in the lobby or in our room, and we chose our room.
We got all 3 of them to say something on video, and we are glad we did. Our guide translated after each one spoke. It's a great thing to have. Jake will sit and watch (staring intently) and listen to it now, but we feel he will enjoy it more when he can really understand.

Kevin

[sak9645]

Do remember that all orphanages are different and all provinces are different.

When I adopted my daughter from the Xiamen (Fujian province) SWI, we went to the orphanage, but were not allowed to see the children's living quarters. Groups were coming in and out on a very tight schedule. A group was leaving as we entered, and we were rushed through the process because another group was coming as we were leaving.

When we got to the orphanage, we were ushered into a beautiful, circular reception room with lots of windows and two semicircles of rose brocade sofas. Each family was asked to sit on a sofa. Almost immediately, a nanny brought in a baby and announced her/his name (yes, we had a surprise boy in our group); she was then handed to the family and the nanny left. This went on until all the babies were handed out to our five families.

At that point, everyone withdrew a bit to give the families a chance to inspect their babies for a minute or two, and take some photos. Then, nannies made a circuit of the room to answer questions, but we were warned to ask only one or two questions, as time was short. Staff then made another circuit of the room to collect the orphanage donation and gifts, and we were ushered out.

The married sister of one single woman who was adopting faked an urgent need to use the bathroom, in hopes of seeing more of the orphanage by "getting lost". However, she was escorted to the bathroom, and directly back to the reception room, and saw nothing but a hall.

This incident took place soon after the film, "The Dying Rooms", was aired; it enraged the Chinese, and it is possible that the orphanage staff were concerned about having other people use hidden cameras and misrepresent what was occurring, as they believed was the case with the British crew that made the film. However, it is also possible that the staff were worried about bringing illness into the orphanage. We asked about seeing the children's living areas, but were denied that privilege, despite the fact that the SWI was considered to be a "model" facility.

In the afternoon, after we had some time back at the hotel with our children, we went to a provincial office to finalize the adoption. Again, there was no opportunity for discussion of our children's history or habits.

We five families entered a conference room, which had a conference table with chairs around it in the center of the room, and then a row of chairs along three of the walls of the room. The families were asked to sit along the wall on one side of the room. Sitting at the table were provincial and orphanage officials (all male).

One family at a time was asked to approach the table and sit down. That family was then asked a few questions. Basically, the answers to these questions were in our dossier, but the officials wanted to hear them for themselves. Thus, I was asked how much I earned in a year, and whether I planned to send my daughter to college. (I didn't really like having to state my salary in front of all my travel group colleagues, but most of them were so busy with their kids that I doubt they were even listening.)

Once each family was questioned, we were all asked to come up to the table to sign various forms. Our guide translated the forms, and we signed them. Then we were all asked to promise to love our kids and never abandon them. At that point, we were told that we were now parents, and that our documents would be ready at the end of the week! We were then led out of the room.

I did not learn that my daughter was abandoned at 9.5 months of age until I received her abandonment certificate, at the end of the week. She was 18.5 months old when I met her, and I had just assumed that she had been in care for her whole life.

However, seeing this information confirmed something I had suspected -- that this child had been loved very much. Once she got over her shock and grief, she proved to be such a huggy/kissy/smiley child that she HAD to have gotten a lot of attention at some point, and I just didn't see the orphanage as having provided that attention. She also seemed to have some very clear notions about what a Mommy "should" do, that it didn't surprise me to find out that she might have spent half her life with her birth family.

Needless to say, I wish I knew why my daughter was abandoned. The one-child policy clearly was a possibility, because the timing suggested the birth of a son. However, she was also somewhat sickly, and her health could have been a factor. But death or illness of a parent, divorce, or any number of other situations might have been the cause. I hope, someday, to find and thank the folks who gave my daughter so much love.

All in all, I learned next to nothing about my daughter at the orphanage or the government office. I asked two questions, plus one about my first referral (which was withdrawn when the child was adopted domestically), and the answers were very misleading.

I learned about my daughter through living with her, and you will, too, no matter how much you are told at the orphanage. So don't sweat the questions. It doesn't really matter if the staff tell you what she ate or how often she moved her bowels; you'll find that out, soon enough, if you are attentive to your child's cues.

Sharon

[KarenInCa]

I'm actually amazed how accurate the staff was about my daughter's habits. The nanny that delivered her (not her main nanny) said that her favorite food was apples, and her favorite thing to do was to dance.
Sure enough, to this day, she LOVES apples and loves movement so much that she's enrolled in tap/ballet, choreographed dance and gymnastics. We've tried to take her out of one of the classes, thinking it was too much for her, and she constantly asked when she was going back again.
It's true that there were many things about her that we could only find out after we became a family.
But, for me, it wasn't as important to find out information about her so that we could ease her into the family. It was important for me, because even if it was not completely accurate, I wanted to be able to tell her what she was like as a "baby". Kids love hearing about themselves as a baby. I felt (and still do) that it was information that would make her feel connected to her past regardless of how truly accurate the information was. She'll know that SOMEONE cared enough to tell us these things about her. THAT was important.

[blueamy76]

Thanks for all your suggestions. We leave in a week!!! I'm sooo excited!

[PiperH]

Since you are so close to travel, it's too late for you, but we had a lot of the questions you came up with answered through an orphanage call we ordered through Ladybugs and Love.

They will make a call for you to the orphanage and if the orphanage cooperates, you can get up to 10 questions answered and possibly updated photos.

We did it twice. Once early because we wanted more updated info (our referral info was 9 months old). We got our 10 questions answered and got 2 new photos.

The second call we ordered was just before we traveled because we were hoping to get updated measurements, so we could have clothes that fit. We ended up getting new info (although the measurements weren't accurate, so the pants and shoes we bought were too big) and 3 new photos.

We highly recommend Ladybugs and Love for this. There is no guarantee the orphanage will cooperate, but if you don't get updated info they don't charge you.

Good luck with your travels and congratulations!

[sak9645]

Do be aware that the CCAA does NOT approve of these sorts of contacts, prior to an adoption. Your adoption agency can request updated information, which may or may not be forthcoming, but you are not supposed to contact the orphanage directly or through a translator. After you are home with your child, that's a different story.

In addition, there may be some conflict with Hague Convention rules about contacts with orphanages. You do not want to do anything that could potentially jeopardize your adoption.

Sharon

[blueamy76]

Actually, we used Lady Bugs N Love to get an update back in April. Angela was just wonderful!
I know what you mean about the CCAA not wanting us to go this route. We wanted to do things the right way and so waited for several months before going the Lady Bugs N Love route. Our caseworker at our adoption agency said that she has NEVER had a case where the CCAA gave more info. after they've asked for it.
I'll find out in another week how accurate the measurements are that they gave us! We were able to get our 10 questions answered, although there was a little confusion with a couple. We were also able to get one updated picture which was awesome since the original picture we got was almost a year & half old.
I would highly recommend Lady Bugs N Love!

[PiperH]

Originally Posted by blueamy76

I would highly recommend Lady Bugs N Love!

Actually, we went through our agency first to get updated information, and CCAA never would cooperate. So, our agency rep "unofficially" told us about using someone like Lady Bugs N Love. They mentioned someone else, but then we found Lady Bugs N Love.

Yeah, Jake's measurements were off, but getting the updated photos was well worth the money. They showed he was growing, and he looked so good in them. It eased our minds.