[smbcpc]

Our little Shayna just turned 2 and she is a funny, witty and lovable girl. However, sometimes she can be infuriating when she doesn't take the word "NO" seriously. We try to discipline her and teach her boundaries (like no climbing on the dining table, and that she can't have everything she wants). She tends to throw mini tantrums when she doesn't get what she wants and flings things around. We have tried the type of time-out where we hold her tight against us for about 20 seconds and count to 20 but it hasn't worked that well. Any suggestions will be appreciated.

Thanks.

[Lissa]

We did not deal with terrible twos, we are having the throesome threes and furious fours at our house. (We had the terrific twos.) So I'm not sure some of this stuff will work for you as ages and maturity levels are very different.

Distraction is your number one tool. Try to get them focused on the more positive. Give them choices as often as possible, but you control the choices. I often talk to her about consequences. Here are your choices, here are the consequences...you pick. And, I have resorted to time outs and we have lots of post time out discussions. We also read 123 Magic and are using a lot of those techniques as well.

Keep plugging. Eventually it'll pay off. I know it's hard and it feels like they'll never learn boundries, but they will.

[pgruodis]

I've never heard of "time out" in that form.
Since it is being used as a form of "punishment", I personally wouldn't want to make the association of physical closeness with punishment.
Have you tried time out in its more common form of a "time out chair" or "time out step"? It is recommended 1min "time out" per year of age. Additionally you want to finish up with a short discussion.
I found this good review on it for toddlers:
Time Out - Discipline Guide for Children

[KarenInCa]

Sue, I think the time out you're referring to is a variation of something that is commonly called "time in". Time in never worked for us. We were going to use it, and we tried, but she felt very betrayed by us by holding her against her will. Normally, time in is used during the tantrum and you hold the child till they are in a vulnerable state (time is not the limit, her vulnerable state is..however much time that takes), then, they calm down long enough to talk with them and tell them that you love them, and are very receptive.
I also did not like using "time in" because all I could think of was...if she were kidnapped or forcably held by an adult, I was training her to give up instead of fight her way out. I really don't know if that is true, but it was my perception. And I also did not like the thougth that she would see me as the obsticle.
During time out, she is never put in her bedroom or away from our sight. Instead she is put against the wall somewhere, and oddly, she does not push that limitation. But she cries, and gets angry. She then sees the object (The wall) as the thing to be angry at, instead of me. And time out works. They still find that vulnerable time when they can be talked to, so it is just as effective.

[Lissa]

Originally Posted by pgruodis

I've never heard of "time out" in that form.
Since it is being used as a form of "punishment", I personally wouldn't want to make the association of physical closeness with punishment.

It's called a "time in" we have used those too, but only if she's extremely overstimulated and we're seeing destructive behaviours. Fortunately Lydia has never been keen on lashing out or self destruction...but I know other children have been and the technique is used quite effectively. I know some parents here have used them...I think KarenCA did for awhile. It's actually a technique recommended for RAD children and bonding. It lets the child know you will not tolerate a behaviour, but at the same time you are there for them and will not leave them just because they misbehave. Again, I only use them if Lydia is hysterical...which has happened maybe twice...but some people like them.

[MissyAmomChina]

Hi,

I thought the "holding" technique was called "holding time." I'm with Lissa and believe it's an attaching technique and is discussed in some of the attachment books. We never did this so I'm not an expert...but I'm sure there are folks here who know much more about this and can help.

I thought "time ins" were more of where you provide a structured activity that helps calm your child and get them back on track. For example, if your two year old was running around on the table, you'd say something like "Ok, looks like you need me to help you make some better choices." Then you'd have your two year old do a chore like matching socks with you as you fold your laundry. Then after they were calm, you'd explain running on tables is never an option. I don't think the structured activities are "punishments" as much as regrouping and redirecting.

Again, I could be wrong on this though. We did find that at two the time in worked better than the time out........but my child had seperation anxiety issues.

[hml1976]

My daughter (now almost 4) was the world's toughest two year old, actually it really started around 2.5. Anyway, we did time outs but they never really worked. You have to find what works for your child. For our dd we had to take toys away and remove her from the situation, like leaving the park if she threw a fit etc. But mostly with DD we just had to wait the year (plus) until the stage passed. We tried to teach good behavior along the way but really we just waited it out.

Now, our 19mth old son is a very different child. A stern NO makes him weep. I've had to really change the way I've parented with him, we use a pack and play when he climbs everything but not really as punishment, more to distract him from his complusive climbing!

Good luck!