[Lissa]

For some reasons there are certain days it is harder to accept I can't go to China again to adopt than others. Today was one of those days. I'm not looking for sympathy...it's just a strange phenomena that I am commenting about. Yesterday it didn't matter that I couldn't go back, but today I was really sad. Funny huh?

Russell and I still can't come to an agreement about adopting a second time. Some days I am okay with that...others not so okay. There is this part of me that doesn't want to adopt again if it's not from China, and another part that doesn't care.

It's so strange...with Lydia, it was so easy...so simple. Is the second time around harder for everybody? I would assume no, but just wondering.

[Trace7]

Originally Posted by Lissa

For some reasons there are certain days it is harder to accept I can't go to China again to adopt than others. Today was one of those days. I'm not looking for sympathy...it's just a strange phenomena that I am commenting about. Yesterday it didn't matter that I couldn't go back, but today I was really sad. Funny huh?

Russell and I still can't come to an agreement about adopting a second time. Some days I am okay with that...others not so okay. There is this part of me that doesn't want to adopt again if it's not from China, and another part that doesn't care.

It's so strange...with Lydia, it was so easy...so simple. Is the second time around harder for everybody? I would assume no, but just wondering.

We also don't qualify (that darn net worth issue), but given the long wait for NSN - we would not go that route. I would be interested in SN from China if we ever want to adopt again, but at the same time - I would also be interested in other Asian countries. But then I think it would be good if our children were from the same country. And then I go back to the thought that we can't afford to adopt again, and DH only wants one child anyways (so even if we could afford it, I woudl have to convince him - which I probably could).

So yes, at times it is hard. But if Charlotte is our one and only - I feel completely blessed regardless. I know you feel the same way, too

[jbzanie]

We cannot adopt again either. Although it is something we can change (weight loss) and I'm trying. Also I would have to convince the Husband, which right now he says no way.

I just saw a boy on our agency's list that I would just love to bring home.

[Mailbox13]

We adopted our first child from Russia and our second child from China. I don't think the second adoption was any easier or harder, it was just different. As experienced parents (versus no experience the first time), some issues were easier to handle. We were better prepared to deal with some things and less worried about being good parents. The paperwork and wait were worse. The travel was better.

I had thought we would not adopt a second time because of money, but a generous family member made it possible. Often things that seem settled can change when the circumstances change.

I am not sure I have an explanation for why something bothers you more one day than another. That said, I think it's normal. When I have had significant issues troubling me, I have found similar variations. Some days I couldn't stop thinking about them. Other days they didn't come up much.

[KarenInCa]

Lissa,
Even though we decided to adopt again thru China, it was a difficult decision to make. We had to weigh all the pros and cons of another child.
We started our journey wanting to adopt just one child. We wanted to give that one child private schooling, music lessons, a large home....etc.
But something in me was struggling more with wanting her to have a connection other than us.
When we decided to adopt the second time, we knew there would be long waits, and we knew we would have to make big decisions about school, etc. But the drive to give her a sister was stronger than all of that.
It's definitely a decision that has to be agreed upon.
Don't remorse if you decide not to adopt again. There are a lot of wonderful privileges that single children get. Whatever you decide, Lydia will be happy.

[Trace7]

Originally Posted by Trace7

And then I go back to the thought that we can't afford to adopt again, and DH only wants one child anyways (so even if we could afford it, I would have to convince him - which I probably could).

Quoting myself here to clarify - we could probably afford to adopt again (as my brother lent us the majority of the $ and probably would again after we are done paying him off), but it's the cost of living/daycare/etc. that would be hard to afford, and want to be able to provide Charlotte with a lot (and we also love to travel and plan to show her as much as we can of the world), and it would be a big stretch to have another child. That said - this is why I never say never - who knows what can happen in another 4 years (and that will be about the time I look at our options again and decide).

[MissyAmomChina]

Hi,

I can relate to much of what you all have said.
Adopting Lilianna in 2004 from China was the end of a long journey to parenthood. At that time, China's program was running smoothly and it was truly the best path for us.

I then spent the next 2.5 years of Lily being home (obviously enjoying her) and wondering if we were meant to be a family of three or a family of four. I would spend months at a time convinced we were meant to be a family of three.....then I'd find myself looking at waiting children, researching a newcountry etc. By the time I had the answer (we were meant to be a family of four) everything had changed in the world of IA esp. China.

For our second adoption, we opted for Taiwan and we just brought home our beautiful son a month ago. It was a different adventure with many things easier than China and many things harder. Yet the outcome and benefits were exactly the same

Lissa, I think that it's very normal for feelings to fluctuate on something as big as this. I wish you the best and hope if you heart says you are meant to adopt again, that a path becomes available to you and your family.

[pgruodis]

adopt "again" .... to have such problems!

[copper653]

Originally Posted by Trace7

but it's the cost of living/daycare/etc. that would be hard to afford, and want to be able to provide Charlotte with a lot (and we also love to travel and plan to show her as much as we can of the world), and it would be a big stretch to have another child. That said - this is why I never say never - who knows what can happen in another 4 years (and that will be about the time I look at our options again and decide).

I think this is the place where we are at. We are in the process of trying to sell our house and buy a house so we feel right now isn't the right time, but who knows down the road and then we'll be that much farther behind. Then like others have said we are happy as a family of three and want to do things with Lian like Tracy wants to do with Charlotte. Then I think that doesn't seem very fair, not wanting to bring another child into our lives so that we can spoil this one rotten. The only thing I do know is that with adoption at least we have the option of adopting an older child and not having to start at the baby stage all over again.

So Lissa, I guess it doesn't really matter whether you "can" adopt again because there are issues even if you "can".

[amyfk]

Lissa,

Although I am not an adoptive mom to a Chinese child, we adopted a cutie from Russia in 2006. At that time, I was just so thrilled to become a parent. We had originally both wanted to have only one child.
Then when my Joanna has been home awhile, I really wanted a second. Joanna, for the most part, has been a delight. The problem is my dh. He works a long, grueling schedule and is a bit of an older dad, and he really is on the fence about another kid.
I am also mixed. In some ways we want to give Joanna all we can, and we love to travel and already have taken her a few places. However, our family is very small and I wonder myself if it would better to give her a sibling.
I also dont know how i'd do it because I am now looking for work after being home for 2 yrs. Formerly I worked part-time in municipal govt. before bringing home Joanna. Although I worked 5 yrs. at this job, they didnt give me FMLA because I worked 19hrs./week. I am afraid of falling into that trap again. I am not ready to go back to work full-time yet until she goes to first grade. So this is an anxiety of mine as well.
I totally understand your feelings. I am right there with you.
Amy K, NJ

[overflowing]

I struggle with this sometimes, too. I would love to go back to China but our agency is not on the approved list anymore and I can't imagine going through another agency. They were with us through all 4 adoptions and I will say that the 4th adoption was by far the hardest. What a journey that was We would also have try for a family size waiver since we have 5 kiddos.

Our kiddos cover several different ethnicities so that's not a factor in wanting to go back to China but for some reason a piece of my heart will forever be there and I can't imagine never going back for another peanut.

I had no idea that I'd feel so connected to my child's birth country...it's so weird

[Trace7]

Originally Posted by copper653

Then like others have said we are happy as a family of three and want to do things with Lian like Tracy wants to do with Charlotte. Then I think that doesn't seem very fair, not wanting to bring another child into our lives so that we can spoil this one rotten.

LOL - well, I hope not to spoil her rotten! If my husband has anything to do with it, that won't happen. He is a very unspoiled only child himself. But I do want to be able to take her on trips (especially back to China more than once - which is easier for us since my brother lives in Hong Kong) and to provide her with lessons or sports or whatever her interests are.

[copper653]

Originally Posted by Trace7

LOL - well, I hope not to spoil her rotten! If my husband has anything to do with it, that won't happen. He is a very unspoiled only child himself. But I do want to be able to take her on trips (especially back to China more than once - which is easier for us since my brother lives in Hong Kong) and to provide her with lessons or sports or whatever her interests are.

I hope you didn't take that the wrong way. I don't want a spoiled kid, but there are ways of spoiling them that you might not be able to do with multiple kids. I am an only also and don't think I was spoiled with things, but I got to go to Europe when only the rich kids could go with the language classes... twice. My parents were able to pay for my college education and they were still able to retire early.

I guess I want to spoil her and ourselves once she has gone off to college. Ugh, I can't believe I just wrote those words. Can I freeze time?

[amyfk]

Copper, your words are not selfish at all. I am wavering back and forth between adding another family member to our home or not. I can clearly see the pros and cons to each. I think it's better to know who are you are and be honest with yourself than to bring another kid into your life whom you will end up resenting because you have to work longer and harder during your life and you will have less time/resources to do what you enjoy. I am going through these emotions and thoughts now and they are not pretty.
Enjoy the family you do have.
Amy K, NJ

[MissyAmomChina]

Hi,

I do want to add something that I feel I overlooked. Lissa, while I was struggling with making the personal decision of what was the right number of children for our family, the new China regs came into play. I do not qualify for adopting again. While it is a struggle for some of us to know if we should adopt again or not........there is something harder about having the choice taken away from you. My heart is with you on that.