[Couchkat]

So my oldest dd had a friend over (7 yr old) and this is what she told Margaux, very matter of fact.

I was so mad. I just answered - First I'm her real mommy, her first mommy is her birthmommy, second in China, most people are not religious, so she probably was that way too.

I guess I reacted mostly because it's the first time someone talks to her directly about her birthmom, usually it's to me.

[CaddoRose]

And she said that like it was a bad thing!

I like your answer though. Wonder where a 7 yr old would get that kind of info from? As with other countries where religion has been suppressed, Christianity has been growing, so it's entirely possible your DD's birthmother is a Christian too. It just makes you wondr what kind of conversation has been going on with the 7 yr old elsewhere that she would say that.

[specialk4b]

I'm so sorry your daughter had to hear that. I agree - I have to wonder where that little girl is getting that idea. Is is someone you know well and can start a conversation with the child's mother?

[KarenInCa]

Does Margaux even understand the concepts of b-mother and a-mother yet? Our daughter is 3.5 and she knows she's adopted, and likes that she is from China, but has not questioned the stuff about BEING adopted yet.
Im not sure how I would have reacted in this situation. The toughest ones are the ones that throw you off guard.
I would be interested in knowing how and why that child got that kind of information though. A 7 yr old usually just repeats that kind of information...And I would especially wonder in what kind of tone that child was given that information as well. If she picked it up from her parents, then I would wonder WHY it would make any difference to her parents.
It's really sad if you think about it. Not only was that child possibly given information that's irrelevant to HERSELF about b vs a parents, but she also apparently was given that kind of information with intolerance of other cultures and religions.

[Karen in MT]

Wow...... That is very young to be mentioning spiritual concepts to a playmate. I would wonder where she picked up the slanderous tone from. That would make me ill. Sad. It starts young.
-Karen

[Couchkat]

Thanks for your replies!

This little girl has been in the same school as my dd - a Lutheran school which happens to be very evangelical. This is one of the reasons I'm pulling my daughter out this year to send her to public school (besides the financial burden). I want her in a more diverse environment. Ironically, this little girl is going to public this year also. I imagine she picked up the info from bible school. I could have a conversation with her mom, but I don't think she would get it. Most people at the school are just very evangelical and there is strong drive to get people from other religions to convert. She probably would be proud of her dd for saying that.

As to Margaux, she's fine, she's too young to get it, but just the way that statement came out rubbed me the wrong way.

[pgruodis]

As a teacher I hear inappropriate comments constantly.
Many times to correct the comment, would be way over a child's head. I think this may be such a case.
I do think it is good time though to teach the child why the comment is inappropriate in apposed to how it is factually incorrect. It is well within a 7 year old's comprehension level why comments like "real mommy" are hurtful. I'm guessing this is the part that would bother your child the most anyway.

[amyfk]

Just sad and stunning what some kids say! My guess is that the child is parroting what the parents at home have said.
Amy K, NJ

[pgruodis]

Originally Posted by pgruodis

As a teacher I hear inappropriate comments constantly.
Many times to correct the comment, would be way over a child's head. I think this may be such a case.
I do think it is good time though to teach the child why the comment is inappropriate in apposed to how it is factually incorrect. It is well within a 7 year old's comprehension level why comments like "real mommy" are hurtful. I'm guessing this is the part that would bother your child the most anyway.

And if taking the High Ground doesn't work, tell her....
... Well, your real mommy worships Satan, that's right you're adopted also, but from a Cult!

[Marshie]

I am buddhist. You can tell her that buddhists don't 'worship' Buddha and he isn't a god to us. He was a teacher a long long time ago, before Jesus, who came up with some good lessons on how to live your life in a way that eases the suffering you go through. Ever since then people that call themselves buddhists, try to live by those lessons so that they will suffer less. There isn't any worshipping or praying to him (he's dead), or any of that.
Her mother in China (I hate the whole -who are the real parents- debate, both of my mothers are/were real mothers) may be buddhist, or athiest, or christian or muslim. Thats like saying "oh you're from america, your mother must be Christian!". Not necessarily.
I feel badly for the other kid who it seems is under the impression that everyone who isn't like her and doesn't believe the same as she does is bad.

[TxMom65]

Originally Posted by amyfk

Just sad and stunning what some kids say! My guess is that the child is parroting what the parents at home have said.
Amy K, NJ

A neighborhood child recently told my daughter in a huff, "At least I'm not adopted with a fake Mom and Dad." I made an appt to discuss this with our counselor because it hurt my daughter a great deal. THe counselor said that our adoption must have been a topic in the home and the child picked it up.

I agree that it sounds the same here. I hate that different does make people think bad. I told the child that she may think adoption is a bad thing but I think it is wonderful if it gave me my daughter.

[KarenInCa]

Originally Posted by TxMom65

A neighborhood child recently told my daughter in a huff, "At least I'm not adopted with a fake Mom and Dad."

Oh, how extremely harsh that sounds! I know the time will come that my daughter comes home with hurt feelings. She tells us daily that she loves us, and feels so important to be a part of our family. Those kinds of words would really hurt her feelings.
The only real answer is to prepare her with positive books about adoption, and to build her self esteem to the point that negative words are ignored...but I also realize that's a lofty goal.