[Katia555]

This question did not come from a grown-up. It came from a seven-year-old girl who lives across the street from us and sometimes comes over to play with my three-year-old daughter, whom we adopted in China two years ago. The two are not very compatible, by the way. I was so surprised by the question, I didn't know what to say. Thank god, my tree-year-old didn't understand the question. How do you respond to a seven-year-old who asks something like this? I ended saying that you can't "own a child." But she didn't get it, said something like, "But you are not her real mommy." It bothered me greatly, because I know my daughter is very smart, she picks up on things instantly, and I did not feel like sharing her life story, or mine, with this seven-year-old. I didn't feel like telling her about the orphanage in China. Sometimes I feel as if our lives are supposed to be an open book, simply because our daughter was born in a different country and we got together in a way that some people consider unusual or news-worthy. Once, while we were standing in line at the grocery store, a women, a total stranger, asked me, "Which agency did you use to get her?" It makes me think off all the future questions we are going to face... We don't own our children, no matter how we got them. They simply pass through us, somehow. And it doesn't matter if we conceived them or adopted them. They are our children, and we are their parents.

[Lissa]

The same person owns her now who owned her before sweetie, God.

As for nosey questions...I just deal with them by being honest. If it's not too intrusive--I answer it. If it is, I say that's really a family matter we choose not to share. I never react negatively. She will look to me for pride and she will look to me for shame.

[KarenInCa]

I don't have a hard time saying that she was adopted, and children seem to just want answers when things are different than normal. After they get an answer, even if they don't get a long and drawn out answer, they seem to be satisfied.
Saying simply, "she used to live in China" might even suffice.

Your post reminds me of something that I've had trouble with. I've noticed that even though I can talk with my 3.5 yr old daughter about being adopted, and talk about her A-yi who cared for her before we came to China, and we talk about our story of becoming a forever family....I have a REALLY hard time including in my stories to HER that she was in an orphanage. I've never mentioned that to her, even though she might not even understand what the word orphanage means.
We've talked about and embraced the A-yi that took care of her, we've talked about and embraced that she is from China, and we've talked about and embraced that she has beautiful Chinese features. But I cannot bring it to myself to say the word "orphanage" to her when I talk about her beginnings. It's my own issue because she has no clue what the word means. It just seems so cold and harsh, and I just can't bring myself to use the word orphanage when I talk to her about her story. Anyone else find it difficult?

[kakuehl]

Hmm.. I've not faced this situation, but can you tell her she used to live in a place called an orphange where they took care of groups of children whose parents couldn't care for them until they found their "forever family?"

[KellyKA]

ooo that made me mad because I picture as a totally little "know it all" saying "Your not her REAL mommy" eww it just makes me mad.... it sounds like you handeld things fine.... especially because she was only 7 but as your daughter gets older if she starts to say things that hurt her feelings then I would just not let her come over anymore.... especially if they dont get along well.

And for someone who would be so bold to ask "what agency did you get her from" first thing out of their mouth do you ever just feel like lying and saying um my husband is from china? just to embaresses them? lol its somthing I would wish I would have said afterwards but never have thought of or actually had the courage to say when it happend. I would have a problem if someone was kind and honest and said " Im interested in adopting did you adopt your daughter?, Do you mind if I ask what agency you used etc" You know? Like polite and with some tack but to just walk up and say what agency did you get her from? It's a child, not a pair of shoes. I guess there are tactless questions no matter what the stage of the game. Right now, as Im starting to tell people about my plans I keep getting people asking "What dont you want your OWN child" agh! or " Oh Im so sorry!!" Why? Some people just dont get it, and thats fine I guess..... But they can stay away from me with their rude remarks......

[specialk4b]

I would see this question differently coming from a seven year old than I would an adult. Is owning just her way of understanding that she wasn't yours and now she is? We use the word own to describe a dog and we use the term adopt there too. Maybe she just heard about someone adopting a dog who used to be owned by someone else. With a seven year old I would take the time and explain it.

My usual answer with grown ups is "why do you ask." My answer is differnt if they're just showing idle curiosity, vs is they are considering adoption themselves or if someone they know is adopting.

We in the adoption world have specific language that we find acceptable and other language that we hate. People not in this world don't know the lingo.

[Katia555]

Thanks for your responses.... And yes, Karen, I also have a hard time using the word "orphanage." It does sound very cold. I think what bothers me the most about people's questions is the fact that they ask as if my daughter weren't even there, even though she is right there with me. At almost four, she understands just about everything that's being said. I often wonder how it must feel to her when a total stranger comes up to us and says, "Is she yours?" I just sometimes wish that grown-ups would be a little more tactful....