[stayjay]

Hello,

DH and I originally planned to adopt 2 kids from China. Due to the wait time (not to mention our ages), new restrictions and other programs having issues, we decided to stop at one child.

We were at a party this weekend and were discussing this with our friends husband who is an only child. He said he hated being an only child and he was very sad as a child. He also said he wouldn't wish being an only child on anyone. I was stunned and now am feeling very guilty.

Do you think having one child is a bad thing?

[Trace7]

I think it has so much to do with your personalities, your child's personality, how you raise them, etc. I don't someone can say a statement like "a only child is a lonely child" and have it fit every child.

My DH is an only child and loves it. He says he never wanted a sibling. He sees how much I love (usually) having siblings and sees our bond and is happy for me - but he says he doesn't miss when he never had anyways. He said he liked growing up and getting all of his parent's attention. He said he learned to be more mature around adults quicker than most kids that he knew - as he was often only around adults. He was also close to his cousins who were closer to his age, who lived in town. His parents did lots of athletic activities with him and took him on lots of trips.

My SIL, on the other hand, is an only child (she grew up in Japan) and hated it. But she also had to do a ton of schoolwork and didn't have much time for play - so when she did have time to play, I am sure she would have loved to have a sibling around. So for her - having two kids (which they now have) was a priority for her.

We will most likely only have one child. It is mainly due to finances more than age. We aren't well off, and paying daycare is a struggle for us (and both of us working is the only way to do it in our case - believe me - I have run the numbers). So paying double daycare is just not an option for us. Plus we want to be able to retire, and also to be able to provide Charlotte with lots of attention as well as experiences. We love to travel and find a way to do it (we make it a priority) and it helps to have a very generous brother living in Hong Kong - who wants us to come visit and has and will give us frequent flyer miles. We have had many amazing travel experiences thanks to him - and we also have traveled extensively around the U.S. (we love car trips and hope Charlotte will love motoring in our MINI Cooper as much as we do - and so far, so good - she does great in the car).

And some say it's not fair to have one child - as who will take care of you when you are old? Well, I know plenty of families with more than one child - and none are "taking care" of their parent. Yes, they are helping to provide a place for them to live and help them move into that place and visit them, but just because you have more than one kid doesn't mean one will "take care" of you. And other family members could step up as well. Charlotte has a cousin close in age to her in town (2.5 years older) and two cousins in Hong Kong close in age to her - and despite distance - they are all close.

So whatever your reason is for having one child - whether it be age, fertility, finances, etc - don't let anyone make you feel guilty for doing what works for your family. Just do the best you can to provide your child with a happy life, and it will most likely be a great ride.

[startedover]

I am strugglin with kinda the same situation. My ad is 13 and 18 years younger than her siblings. When she starts to kindergarden the youngest will start college and the other will probably started a family of her own, so I do feel like we are going to raise her as an only child. I felt ALOT of guilt over that for the first 9 months or so of her life, but then I relized that if I put her in play groups, and such that she will interaction. Also if you have friends and family that your child will be around on a regular basis I think that really goes in your favor if you chose not to adopt again.

[KarenInCa]

I can relate.
DH and I strongly considered keeping our DD an only child. I have a 24 yr old, but he was moved out on his own by the time we brought DD home, so really she would have been raised as an only child. I think they can potentially get bored as an only child, but I also think that they can get a lot of one on one attention that siblings don't get. With our current daughter being the only child in the house right now, we dote on her often, and of course she is wonderful in our eyes, and she has no competition in the household, besides the dog. But there are also times that she wants to play and we just don't want to, and I think siblings would spend time playing with each other.
However, even after we considered adopting again, we had second thoughts. As an only child, we would be able to afford private school as she grows up, and all the things that neither DH nor myself (nor my bio son) have ever been able to enjoy. We decided to adopt again, because we wanted our first daughter to be able to bond with a sister who has the same heritage. For some reason (a feeling more than anything else) that was extremely important to me.
We've asked for a child 12-24 months old, the same as we asked with our first DD-she was 16.5 months old on adoption day. If we get a child in that age range, and if it takes 3 years total from DTC to referral, then there will only be a 3 year difference between them, and our first daughter will be 5 yrs old when we travel back to China.
It was definitely a leap for us to decide though.

[KarenInCa]

Trac-
The daycare/preschool costs were a shock to me too. I had forgotten how pricey it is. And when I called around before we adopted her, I just about fainted. We seemed to have fit it into the budget ok though. Sometimes I wonder exactly WHAT we did with all that money before spending it on daycare.

[jasonsmom]

Our DS was an only child for the first 8 years of his life; for a while I subscribed to a magazine for parents of only children. I think it depends on how you raise them. I could never figure out why people kept saying "You'd never know he's an only child. He's not pushy, rude, spoiled, etc" My closest sibling in age is 12 years older than me and moved out when I was 6 so I basically grew up as an only child. I had no problem with it.

[jessibird]

My sis was 22 years older than me, so I really grew up an only child. Sure there were times when I wanted an sibling, Usually and older brother...I really didn't mind it. I got to do everything with my parents and we were able to take lots of vacations etc. I don't feel like my life was a mess because of it or anything :-)

[MissyAmomChina]

Hi,

My husband and mother-in-law are only children and both are very content about it all. I think the stereo types of only children = spoiled brats/unhappy childhoods is really regretable.

We actually stuggled with this very issue. For me, I was more concerned about dd being an only because she won't have any cousins. Our good friends have an only child, but they live close to family. Their daughter has a sibling like relationship with her cousins. In many ways, it's the best of both worlds.

Ultimately, we have opted to adopt again and will be bringing our son home this summer. I had to make sure that we were adopting #2 because we wanted to parent 2 children.......not because #1 needed a sibling. KWIM?

One of the things I regret about IA is the fact you need to plan so far ahead now. I struggled with this question for almost 2 years, when I really just needed to "table" the issue. My best advice is go with your gut and do what's right for your family. Also give yourself permission to change your mind if you and your spouse's feelings evolve over time.

[Trace7]

Another reason why I don't feel guilty is that if Charlotte's parents had been able to keep her - she most likely would have been an only child anyways - in a country with a one-child policy...

And if we had not adopted her, then she would have grown up in an oprhanage.

I am not going to spend my time feeling guilty or worried about what other people say - when I know that we are providing Charlotte with so much love, and a house with cats and toys, and a great daycare with a loving daycare provider and another friend from China there, and lots of contact with her grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins and many, many friends (many of her friends in town are also "only children" adopted from China).

[stayjay]

Thanks everyone. I guess I am just struggling with changing our plans. For so long we envisioned 2 kids, and if all had gone according to our plan we would be home with # 2 now. We are happy with one child but I just worry about her not having that connection with a child from her country. I also believe you should want a second child and not have a second child to just provide your first child with a play mate.

The two people that I spoke with this weekend who were only children were just so adament that it is almost a cruel thing to do to a child. It was very overwhelming for me to hear this from only children and it just got me thinking that maybe we should re-visit our decision. Thanks for the replies everyone.

[Trace7]

Originally Posted by stayjay

Thanks everyone. I guess I am just struggling with changing our plans. For so long we envisioned 2 kids, and if all had gone according to our plan we would be home with # 2 now. We are happy with one child but I just worry about her not having that connection with a child from her country. .

That is why we are so happy to have such a huge network of friends with children adopted from China in town. I pretty much found this group on the internet (this site, actually - a few of us just started chatting about the long wait for the I-171H back in Fall of 2005) and our group has grown to about 25 families so far - all with daughters around the same age as ours. I am so thankful for this group - not only for the friendships we have made and the support during the wait, but also for what it will provide for our children now and in the future.

[stayjay]

Trace7-I feel the same way. We have made some of the best friends of our lives through this adoption journey. We have friends who were ahead of us in the process and behind us as well. It is a stong bond that I hope will never fade as the connection is so important.

[copper653]

I was an only child and I did ask my parents for a younger sibling as a child. We moved in the third grade and I think that changed my personality alot and made me want a sibling to play with. I did alot of things most kids my age didn't get to due since my parents didn't have the extra expense of another child. Which is what I would like to offer our dd (or children), so it is a hard decision.

My dh is the oldest of three, two younger sisters, and had a enjoyable childhood picking on them.

We had original wanted two also, but right now I am not ready to bring another child into the family. Like MissyAmom China said though it is hard because I might not feel this way in a year and who knows what the adoption situation could be then. So I think we are going to wait and see how things go over the next yr.

[dannysgirl]

I am the youngest of 5 and most of the time enjoyed having siblings, but I did love it when they were all in college or married and I was the "only" child.

We originally planned on adopting 2 (or 3) from China and could probably eek out the $$ to do it but I refuse to subject myself to more CCAA deceptions of "only a 6 month wait", "We don't want the wait to increase to 12 months", "the wait won't extend beyond 2 years", "things will improve after the olympics", "there should be a speed up in 2009".

We requested twins and will be thrilled to get them but if we get a referral for one child (if we ever get her) she will most likely be the only child.

[amyfk]

This is an issue going on in my home now.
We have one adopted from Russia. I would like to adopt again, my dh does not. I have been trying to get him to do so for 1.5 years.
Thing is, MY dh is older as a dad-he's 46 and he's tired more easily. He was also onboard with the adoption when I had medical problems and couldnt conceive. He also is a great father to my child. so I have all that to be thankful for.
Like others said, you do have some finanical benefits wiht only one-we are taking our child to Jamaica next month to Beaches resort. We also own a nice home.
I think about giving her a sibling, but people tell me it can put a big strain on my marriage if I bring a second child into the family.
I dont know about the adult years, but so far as an only my child is doing ok. Ive asked my therapists and they feel that if a person is social, they will have many loved ones and friends later on in life anyway.
Also I agree with the other poster-one shouldnt have more than one kid to have elder care later on, with the mobility of today's families you just dont know, your kid can end up living in california and you can be retired in NY.
Amy K, NJ