[ElectricGypsy]

I am part Chinese and my daughter looks quite a bit like me. As a matter of fact, when I first saw a picture of her, she was in the same pose and had the same expression on her face as I did in one of my baby pictures.

She's such a character and such a lively and funny little girl that we have people come up to us all the time to chit chat...usually about how funny she is! LOL

I am very proud of her and am not ashamed at all of the fact that she is adopted. She is MY daughter whether biological or adopted, so that is not the problem. I also want her to be proud of being adopted as well so I want to make sure that I am doing the right thing in talking to her about it and talking to others about it in front of her.

I guess my dilemma is this...it is not obvious that she is not my biological child because she looks like me. Many times in conversations with people in passing, I KNOW that from the questions they are asking or from the comments that they are making, they are assuming that she is my biological child.

Here is an example:
Your daughter is so cute! How old is she?
Oh thank you...she is 2
Wow! She is really tall for a 2 year old (as they look at my short self) her dad must be really tall!


To be honest, sometimes I just don't feel like getting into the whole story with a stranger that I may never see again that Keira is adopted. I love to talk to people about her adoption whenever they have questions usually, but sometimes (especially when we are in a hurry) I just don't feel like explaining our life story to everyone that we come across. I would never lie and say that she is my biological daughter or say that she isn't adopted or anything like that...but it makes me feel guilty sometimes. Like I said, I want her to be proud of the fact that she is adopted since there is nothing to be ashamed of, so should I just go ahead and make the time to talk about our story to everyone or is it ok to NOT talk about it everytime? I just want to do the right thing...

Any opinions?

[mic2005]

Hi

I don't think you have to feel guilty for not announcing that she is adopted every time people ask you a question. I think discussing adoption with your daughter at home and teaching her to be proud of being adopted will help her. You are not trying to hide it your just not sharing it with everybody that asks a question.

I know a few people who were adopted by parents that share the same race and it doesn't come up that often in public. You don't owe people an explination. As your daughter grows up she will be happy that it's not discussed everytime you go out. This is a struggle may non asian parents face with their children adopted from China.

Enjoy your daughter (she's a cutie)

[angelkisses0102]

I adopted from Russia but can relate. My ethnic backgroud is Eastern European...so my kids look like me. My DS looks very, very much like me...and people comment all the time how much he looks like his mommy. Even people who know he's adopted...because we do happen to look very similiar. I usually respond to strangers with a simple 'It's amazing isn't it?!' 'nuff said!

My kids know they are adopted, know they were born in Russia, know they were in another mommy's belly, and everything else adoption related that is age appropriate.

When DS was younger he had these long blond ringlet curls...I have stick straight blond hair and people would comment on where he got the curls...my response would be 'His father.' Now if they asked if he took after DH...I would simply state that my 'DH had curls when he was younger but who knows where DS's curls came from...but aren't they beautiful regardless?'

As long as you keep the answer simple...and don't outright lie...I personally see no problems with it.

[KarenInCa]

Opinion here;
Frankly, it's none of their business one way or the other. To correct someone that asks you something, and they assume she is your bio child, is kind of like explaining all the time that my son's girlfriend is black (for the sake of this conversation she is, and my son is white). When I talk about my son's girlfriend, if I say "and she is black" in conversation, it would be as if there SHOULD be a distinction in normal conversation, and there just isn't.
Unless it's related to what you're talking about, being adopted or being bio makes no difference, therefore it's unnecessary to correct them or inform them.
Also, if your daughter is with you when the conversation arises, and she hears you correcting the person, it might cause her to constantly define herself in your family as an adopted child. I would just let it go, and give your daughter the opportunity to decide for herself if she wants to announce to someone that she's adopted.

[lovemy6]

My youngest dd is adopted. My older dd is also "adopted" and has my granddaughter. My dd's are not biologically related, but my youngest dd and my gdd look identical. They have very destinctive hair. When we go out in public, everyone comments about their hair and asks "where it came from". Before my gdd was born, my dd would say "from God", but now that there are two of them, I just say "it runs in the family". Ironically, before my dh turned grey, his hair was the same as theirs. It really does run in our family, whether bio or adopted!

[Couchkat]

I would not worry. Strangers don't have to know how your family was completed. None of their business really. As long as your children know where they come from, that's all that matters.

[Bunnygirl]

Unless you end up becoming close friends with the person, I'd just not bring it up unless it's related to something else you're discussing (like the person you're speaking to is considering adoption, etc.). I agree with the other posters that it's not really anybody's business and, especially if your daughter is present, it may make her uncomfortable.

[MissyAmomChina]

Hi,

My daughter and I are easily identified as not biologically related. Yet, that doesn't stop the world from asking us questions (even if it's just to get confirmation of what they suspect).

When I was a new mom, it was learning experience on what to answer, who to answer, how much information to share etc. As my daughter has gotten older, it's much clearer that my focus needs to be on my daughter (what she wants me to answer, what she hears etc).

While my daughter knows her history, knows she's adopted, is proud of who she is..........she's also not that into sharing much with strangers. I totally respect my daughter's wishes. But I'll be honest, I used to think the world thought I was a smart mouth when we were asked "Where she's from?" and I answer "We're from (name of our home town)."

I've learned that not every questioned asked has to be answered or fully answered. I don't mean that in a mean, defensive, negative way. As our social worker suggested, it's not a bad thing for our children to learn to set boundaries.

[ElectricGypsy]

I'm so glad that I asked...Thank you so much for your opinions. I have felt torn in whether to answer since I can tell from what they are asking, they are assuming that she is my biological daughter. I didn't know if my allowing them to continue with their assumptions was like lying. Like I said, I want to do the right thing and wasn't sure if not answering all the time was a good thing or bad thing. I had myself thought about the fact that mentioning it all the time would make it a distinction...which is not something that I don't want to do either, but I just didn't know the boundaries and haven't gotten to the point yet where I felt comfortable with it. I feel much better about this.

My daughter is only 2 right now and although I know that she hasn't grasped the concept of the adoption yet, she will soon and I will make sure to discuss with her how comfortable she is with how much to share.

Thanks again to everyone!

[specialk4b]

When people tell me how much I look like my father or aren't you tall like your mother (I'm adopted), I either laugh and say, "yep" or "that's funny cuz I'm adopted." It depends on my mood and why I think they are commenting.

I guess an innocent comment doesn't necessarily predicate me bringing up my adoption.