[KarenInCa]

Is there an imaginary line between being an adoptive parent and being a parent?
Should there be?

[NJNative]

I have no idea what that is supposed to mean. I am my son's parent and so is my husband. The only ones he's ever had.

My aunt was a parent to all five of her children, no matter which three were bio and which two were adopted.

And my great-grandmother was MY great-grandmother, even though she adopted my grandmother as a toddler.

Robin

[Mailbox13]

I looked in a dictionary out of curiosity. One of the definitions of parent was "a person who brings up and cares for another". I would say an adoptive parent fits that bill. The reason the word adoptive is simply to differentiate between the person who gave birth to a child and the one that is actually raising the child. It doesn't make you any less of a parent.

[KarenInCa]

I posed this question because a lot of times we get that age old response...."Is this your adopted daughter?" or "Have you met her real parents?" And sometimes there just seems to be an imaginary line that you know is there with on-lookers, when it comes to adoption.

My daughter is my daughter, and there is no line drawn. I will protect her like a mama bear. I have not found a distinction in the way I treat her as opposed to how I treated my bio son when he was little.
I have, however, consciously looked at her and wondered if she has her bmom's smile, or other similarities. At those moments, it hits me that she was adopted into our family. She is so much a part of our lives, that it actually takes a conscious thought like that for me to consider she was adopted.

I was just curious as what others here think, and how they define themselves. Does it bother you to be called an adoptive parent?

[specialk4b]

adopted parents = parents
biological parents = parents
but adopted parents aren't the same as biological parents.

So I don't see a line between being an adopted parent and being a parent. I am a parent to my son because I parent my son. Period. I don't need to qualify that.

But I am not the biological parent of my son. I will never look at my son's face and see my eyes or my husband's nose looking back at me. But I already hear my inflections and see my mannerisms. Adopted parents aren't better or worse than biological parents, they're just different.

I'm adopted myself. My parents are my parents. I don't need to qualify that they are my adoptive parents, though in fact, they are.

Did that make sense?

[Happy2Bhere]

It always gets me when people ask who my daughters "real" mom is, or what color her moms hair is, indicating that I am the fake mom, or the substitute mom.
I think I am always trying to PROVE that I am her mom, and I think I go overboard with it sometimes.

[kelceesmom]

I am the parent adopted or not. I have had my daughter with me since she was 6 hours old.

I do think that others have the imaginary line even if they don't know it. Our children take on our mannerisms and characteristics even if they don't wan't them. Even when I look at my daughter sometimes I see a little of me in her. Don't know how since she is hispanic and I am cc but I do. Maybe I am blind to the fact that she is adopted! LOL

[loveajax]

This is a good question. The other day (on another forum) I used the word "adoptive parenting." Then I thought, what the heck does that mean? I am not parenting my DD any differently than if I gave birth to her (I think, I don't have bio kids). I don't think my MIL parented her three kids differently because they were adopted, etc.

Sometimes I think people who are not a parents think it is really "different," simply because it is not their experience.

[PiperH]

I think there is a line in some people's mind, unfortunately. I guess it's up to us to educate them otherwise.

Sometimes you have to wonder why people would ask "Is she adopted?" or some other such question. I don't think a lot of people like that are being mean, they just don't understand or really realize what they are saying and how it comes across and is perceived by people.

It's going to be pretty obviously with us when we get our daughter that we are not her biological parents. We are both pretty fair-skinned, so our daughter won't even come close to looking like us, so there really would be no good reason for anyone to ask if she is adopted. But, I'm sure they will, and I'll deal with that when it comes.

As far as we are concerned, there won't be any distinction. Our daughter will know she is adopted because we will explain that to her, but we won't refer to her as our "adopted" daughter. She will be our daughter. Period.

A few months ago, I posted on here about something I read about Meg Ryan. It was a celebrity "gossip" type column in USA Weekend magazine that appears in some newspapers across the country. A reader asked what Meg Ryan had been up to lately, and the author said in part — and I'm summarizing — she was spending time raising her son (I forget his name) and her adopted daughter (forgot her name, too, sorry).

I sent off an e-mail to the author asking why she felt the need to point out Meg Ryan's daughter was adopted. Why not just say Meg Ryan was spending time raising her children? I never heard back from the author (not that I expected to).


Kevin

[hoping44]

I don't like being called an "adoptive parent", and I think that some people do put the imaginary line there. But, I think most of them just aren't that knowledgeable about adoption. They have no idea that when Ella was put in my arms, even though she was 2 years old already, I had the same feeling as I did when Jeffrey, Savannah, and Sam were placed in my arms immediately after they were born. There was that wonderful, warm 'thank you Lord, she's mine' feeling right along side that panicked 'help me Lord, she's mine' feeling DH and I are our kids parents, regardless of how they happened to come into our family.

[KarenInCa]

Originally Posted by hoping44

There was that wonderful, warm 'thank you Lord, she's mine' feeling right along side that panicked 'help me Lord, she's mine' feeling

Ohhh that's too funny! But, it really captures the feel of the moment.

On Gotcha Day, DH was holding our daughter, and staring at her eyes. I was signing paper work, and the fellow parent that was filming him asked, "How does it feel, Daddy?"
DH's response was a big sigh followed by three words, "Oh My GOD!"

[sregis]

along the same lines, what do people think of people asking: is she adopted?. although i'm still waiting for my referral, my instinct is to say she was adopted, and now she's my daughter.

[One_Happy_Momma]

Someone once asked me if I knew her parents, to which I replied: "I don't know her birthmom, but I am her adoptive mom and her ONLY parent."



Yesterday, DD1 and I were at the supermaket, and this man with a huge smile came over to us and said" Oh, my gosh, she's a minnie you!"

[KarenInCa]

sregis-
You bring up a good point. It's so easy to change around one little word to make such a big difference. Changing IS to WAS redefines the entire context.

[jamig]

Sometimes I feel bad for people who don't get that just because you didn't physically give birth that it doesn't mean your not a real parent. Because my husband and I are choosing to adopt we always get asked don't you want real kids of your own. I ALWAYS reply with a puzzled look and say "what do you mean?" (It puts people in the hot seat.) Like my kids are going to be fake.....

Just because someone can physically have kids doesn't make them a mother......