[PiperH]

Now that I'm a member of the adoption community, I guess I notice things more, but when I read an item in the Feb. 1-3, 2008, addition of USA Weekend, which appears in our newspaper, I got a little fired up and sent off an e-mail to the author.

The offending comments were in the Who's News column by Lorrie Lynch. It's a celebrity news/gossip column. People send in questions and Lynch answers them.

One reader asked what Meg Ryan has been up to lately, and it was part of Lynch's answer that set me off. At the end, she said Meg Ryan has been busy "raising son Jack Henry, 15, and adopted daughter Daisy True, 3."

I fired her an e-mail asking why she had to point out Daisy was adopted. After all, she didn't feel it necessary to say Jack Henry was her biological son. It read to me like being adopted was something different, like saying her "three-eyed daughter Daisy True, 3."

I will admit before my wife and I started this wonderful, wild journey I probably wouldn't have thought twice about what this woman wrote. But, my eyes are open now and I realize my previous way of thinking was not right.

Did I overreact? I don't think so, but maybe I did. What do you all think?

In case anyone else wants to e-mail Lorrie Lynch, the address is whosnews@usaweekend.com

Kevin

[rose_red]

I understand what you mean. I once watched a bit of a reality show called Brat Camp, and one of the kids on the show had been adopted at birth. But every time they showed his parents on screen, the caption said, "Joe Blow's adoptive mother" or "Joe Blow's adoptive father". They just continuously pushed the adoption thing as if that was the most important thing to know about their relationship. It's not like they labeled the other kids' parents with "Jane Doe's biological mother".

I went off on something of a rant after having seen that (my poor husband).

[amyfk]

I read the obituaries(yes I know im strange) and in many cases they will distinguish between the deceased's children, the biological ones and the adopted ones. I am surprised they point it out in the obituaries, especially in the year 2008.
Amy K, NJ

[loveajax]

rose, i totally remember that and was infuriated.

amy, i was reading an obituary of a 90something year old that had died. the obit talked about his "adopted son" who was like 65! blech.

there is one magazine that has stopped the "adoptive" qualifier...I think it is US. Yeah for them.

eta: I was just laughing because I realized that "that had died" is kind of redundant when you are talking about an obit!

[KarenInCa]

Ohhh...The term 'Adopted Daughter' when used out of context gets me boiling too.
DH has a son that lives in another state, and although we accept responsibility for child support payments, when DH went to court to determine updated child support amounts, the mediator' attitude really bothered me. He commented that he was not giving an expense deviation for DHs "adopted daughter, as he would give if our daughter were his biological daughter, because of the voluntary nature of our daughter's adoption." HUH??? I'm sorry, I missed the logical conclusion in that one. So, when is adoption NOT voluntary? And when did giving birth become involuntary??
I really don't know why people have to point out adopted vs not adopted when it does NOT relate to the subject at hand.

[sparkybear]

It doesn't bother me so much. I don't think the word adopted is a bad word and I don't want my daughter to think that it is either. If people feel the need to use it then go for it. My daughter was adopted that is quite obvious because we are not of the same race. If I get bent out of shape every time someone points is out then what kind of message am I sending her?

As far as what Karen husband went through...well that just is wrong. He has another child. PERIOD.

[mom3boys]

This kind of thing bothered me the other day as well. I was filling out family information for a new health insurance. I got to the portion about dependents. I had to check off if they were biological or adopted children. That really bothered me. I don't yet have my daughter, but It will really bother me if I have to put her in a separate category then her brothers.

[PiperH]

Originally Posted by sparkybear

It doesn't bother me so much. I don't think the word adopted is a bad word and I don't want my daughter to think that it is either. If people feel the need to use it then go for it. My daughter was adopted that is quite obvious because we are not of the same race. If I get bent out of shape every time someone points is out then what kind of message am I sending her?

I don't think the word adopted is a bad word either. When we get our daughter, we will explain the whole adoption process to her when she is old enough to understand. For us adoption is a beautiful thing. It's going to make us a family.
It will be quite obvious with us, too, that she is not our biological daughter. But, I would never refer to her as my "adopted" daughter. She will be my daughter. Period. No modifiers needed.
What gets me is the people who use the word "adopted" as if it somehow makes a child less than a biological child. That's when I have a problem. But you are right, I will have to watch myself when I become a father, because I don't want to teach my daughter the wrong things. I can see some interesting discussions in my future with her on the subject.

Kevin

[KarenInCa]

I also am not bothered by the term adoption. You made a very good point, Sparky. It's healthy for her to know that she's adopted. And she actually likes that she's from China, and we are not. It makes her feel like she has something special. It's not the word that bothers me at all. It's when it's used in the context to describe a child when it has nothing to do with the actual subject.

[loveajax]

My Dh is an adult adoptee (and we are adoptive parents) and he hates the word "adoptive" or "adopted" as a qualifier. He is not "ashamed" of being adopted (in fact quite proud of it) but he feels that is just one of many characteristics in his life and does not define him. Would it be OK if the news media reported "his donor egg daughter" or "his preemie daughter"...i mean those would be facts of life but not relevant to many discussions, i would think.

[MissyAmomChina]

Hi,

My daughter clearly knows her history and how our family is formed. She is proud of her heritage and likes sharing her story when she wants to.

All that said, there are definately times when using the modifier "adopted" isn't necessary. Do I go off? Certainly not. Do I use it as an opportunity to help educate people? Yes.

A child can be very aware and comfortable with their history *and* not want to feel "otherness." Using the modifier of adopted when it's not necessary (i.e. "How is your adopted daughter doing?") does give that sense of "otherness." You'll see that as your child gets older. There are times when a child (and a family) enjoys being recognized for simply what we are (mother-daughter, family, child) etc.

[entropy]

when moved, I got a copy of my daughter's medical records. I noticed that they always wrote "adopted daughter" even when it wasn't relevent to the visit.

I also had a doctor ask me if I had "any children of my own". oh, i was livid.

[KarenInCa]

Originally Posted by entropy

I also had a doctor ask me if I had "any children of my own". oh, i was livid.

Nice! Time to educate your doctor. Now, that's scary.

[entropy]

^Luckily, I only had to see this Doctor once. It was for a "sick baby" appointment. Our normal doc was awesome. our daughter has VSD so upon referral she educated us about the VSD, heart murmors etc...


You know, I was soo suprised that a doctor would say this that i didn't know what to say. I also wasn't feeling like being an educator at the moment.

[SanRN]

This topic gets my blood boiling. My employer will not let me use"sick" time for my FMLA, only "vacation" time is allowed to be used. They stated "I" am not sick, I am adopting and not giving birth, therefore, it is different than a woman who "gives birth", because she can't physically come back to work, but I can.
This makes me sick!!!!
Anyone else have the same thing at their job??!!