[mkinzie]

I just wanted to write and let you know how we are doing on attachment. I had written at the end of summer b/c I was afraid that DD was going to too many other people besides DH and I. I was afraid she was mommy shopping. We went to visit a bonding specialist (nationally renowned, we're in OH) and went through a battery of tests on development to make sure that everything was OK. WE ARE!!!!!! She's ahead in everything, even language!

I thought I'd share some things that we learned while going through this that would have saved me so much worry had I known beforehand.

1. DH needed at least 7 mo/to a year to adapt to the fact that we were her parents. It wasn't that she didn't love us, she was just used to being cared for by several people. Going to other women is a common orphanage behavior, not necessarily attachment. Having this issue of her going to other people in the beginning months isn't as much as an issue as having her reaching out for other people after she's been with us for a while. She is still very friendly and outgoing, but I can definitely see where she prefers me now.

2. Carrying your child as much as possible really is very important. No matter what people tell you to do, carry that baby! You won't be spoiling the baby at all. Rocking her to sleep also did wonders. She never had a sleeping issue, either, from this. She wakes up and goes back to sleep on her own. She's even had babysitters who have put her in the crib on her own with no rocking and has fallen asleep in minutes.

3. Finally, sing LOTS of nursery rhymes to your baby. I had done it from the beginning but the psychologist said that singing rhymes to your baby helps with brain development and is vital for children for orphanages. I had read everything out there on attachment and didn't realize how important singing was going to be. It's amazing how much bonding you can do, too, when you're singing!

4. If you think there is an issue with your child, go now! Don't wait until you're a nervous wreck about it. I regret that I didn't go sooner and find out that everything was fine. On the first visit the psychologist gave us so much good advice that helped immediately. We were able to be proactive instead of reactive. We only had to go back a few months later for a follow up visit and everything was wonderful. Like the psychologist said, most people are afraid that they are going to hear something terrible instead of hearing what can be done to correct things. Most children have some type of attachment issue but not anything that can't be overcome. You just need to take the steps to help.

One more thing I wanted to mention. This forum helped me so much doing the whole adoption process. I always checked it regularly to see what was happening. It has slowed down considerably and I miss reading daily. I hope China adoptions picks back up soon. I miss the posts!

[Norsk]

I am so happy for you and your daughter! Thank you very much for sharing your story with us. In troublesome times all positive stories remind us it is all worth it, no matter which difficulties we might encounter on the way.
All the best to you and your daughter. You are a wonderful mother. We know that because you asked for advice, seeked help and took the advice given -all in the best interest of your child. Your rewards will be huge in the years to come.

[Trace7]

Thanks for the update! That is good info. Charlotte does seem fine to go to whoever, but she first watches DH and I for clues to make sure we approve of the new people - plus she still prefers us (or Grandparents) over others in situations.

[Chrysanthemum]

Thanks for the update. Kids are so amazing and resiliant(parents too )!
I am happy to hear things are going well.

[mcanvasback]

Sneaking over from the Russian board ( w/ a Kyrgyzstan baby!)to read your post - it was one of the most enlightening yet positive ones i've read on attachment.

You know, if you were of a mind to cross post, there are many over there that would find help and comfort from your experience. Thanks for sharing, and btw, I wouldn't have found my daughter without a-com - I'm a fan forever!

[amyfk]

Im so glad to hear your good news. I would guess that kids take time to learn to build appropriate bonds. After all they spend quite a few months in a SWI before they come home. It probably takes them a bit of time to "unlearn" other responses and take on the new ones.
Amy K, NJ