[smbcpc]

I don't remember if anyone posted this story here but after reading it last night I had trouble sleeping.

Anger as Dutch couple give up Korean girl, 7, they adopted as baby over 'failure to fit in' | the Daily Mail

[pgruodis]

Sounds terrible!
Until I get more details, I would have to wonder if there are more details than are being released.
A similar story (domestic adoption) broke here in Chicago a couple of years ago. As it turned-out it wasn't nearly that clean cut. If I remember correctly, the child had a severe mental disorder and was quite violent. Because of how certain laws were structured, the only way to get proper care was to reverse the adoption...and had to state a reason (other than health) to qualify. The decision to do so was very difficult for the parents, which was made far worse by the story going public in an incomplete way.

[KarenInCa]

This girl is now 7 yrs old, and they adopted her at just a couple months old. So, it's not a matter of being institutionalized too long before adoption.
It's unbelievable to me how some people think that children are disposable/replacable.
They didn't even wait to make sure she had a new home with people that can care about her and adopt her.
I hope these people can sleep at night, I know I sure couldn't.

[Marshie]

Dutch diplomat says family treatment of adopted daughter is misrepresented - International Herald Tribune

A Dutch diplomat vilified in the Asian press and accused of having "returned" his South Korean-born daughter seven years after adopting her as an infant, said his family's situation has been misrepresented.

In a statement published by Dutch newspaper De Telegraaf, Raymond Poeteray — a Hong Kong-based Consul — said his daughter was "very sick," and suffers from a "severe form of fear of emotional attachment."

"In contrast to what has been written, we don't want to be rid of our daughter and there's no suggestion we would disown her, right up until today. We are (her) parents and we feel responsible for her well-being and we always will."

She had been handed over to social services in Hong Kong on the advice of doctors. "Although the specialists think now that (she) may not be returned to us, we continue to hope," he wrote.

The story of the Poeteray family caused outrage in the Netherlands, Hong Kong and South Korea after the South Korean consulate said the family was abandoning the girl because she had trouble adapting to their culture — an idea that seemed strange because the girl was adopted at the age of 4 months.

Initial media reports suggested the couple had adopted the girl when they thought they could not have their own natural children, but they later conceived a son.

However, the couple also has an older son of their own.

The family firmly denied that they had treated the girl any differently than their own children, but had difficulty in communicating with her from the start.

"We tried intensive family therapy to find a cure. To our great disappointment, things didn't get better, they got worse and the rest of the family began to suffer immensely from that," he wrote in a letter signed by him and his wife, Meta.

"In mid-2006, on the advice of known medical specialists, professionals from the adoption organization 'Mother's Choice' and the social services of Hong Kong, it was decided that in (her) interest she should be placed in a separate house and we would not be allowed to have any contact with her. The therapy for our family and our daughter continues to this day."

Poeteray also said that the girl speaks Dutch, and that while it was true she had never been naturalized as a Dutch citizen, that was an oversight amid larger medical concerns over the girl.

An official at the South Korean consulate in Hong Kong said on Wednesday that the child also speaks English and Chinese — without specifying which Chinese language.

"We will do our very best to find a solution by which (she) too can find happiness in her life," Poeteray wrote.

The letter concluded by asking the media to leave the family alone.

"This is indeed a private matter, for which we as parents bear the responsibility. ... the publicity itself is already painful enough, but what's worse is, it doesn't help us find a solution for our problems."

The couple were returning to the Netherlands on Thursday for further discussion with the Dutch Foreign Ministry over the incident.

[Katia555]

Thanks so much for posting this. It really just goes to show that one should never judge someone based on anything the printet media says. Sometimes the media is not looking for the truth -- they are looking for a story.

[Synesthesia]

These situations are always, always more complicated than the media makes it to be. Unless there is a case of a person casually disrupting an adoption, no judgement should be made until the whole story is told.
It doesn't help the child or the parents one bit, but what might help is realizing that adoption is a complicated thing and that there has to be a better way to prepare potential adoptive parents for emotional problems a child may have, not to mention providing them support and healing.

[Katia555]

>>adoption is a complicated thing and that there has to be a better way to prepare potential adoptive parents for emotional problems a child may have, not to mention providing them support and healing.
<<

Very good point.

[KarenInCa]

Thanks Marsha, for posting the parents side.
However, regardless of the press possibly distorting the story for the sake of writing a 'good' story vs the parents possibly distorting the story for their benefit (he is, after all, a public figure as a diplomat in the Netherlands), the facts are the facts.
She was adopted early enough (at a few months old) to not be normally effected by institutionalized life. The aparents turned her over to authorities in Hong Kong within the past year. And now, (7 yrs after adoption) the native born S. Korean child is without a family in Hong Kong. And the adoptive parents are back in the Netherlands.

[angelkisses0102]

Originally Posted by KarenInCa

, the facts are the facts.

She was adopted early enough (at a few months old) to not be normally effected by institutionalized life.

Yes and the fact is any child can be born 'damaged.' Alcohol related issues, neuro issues, fetal neglect and rejection in utero, health issues, just about anything can cause a child so much 'damage.'

Any child who is adopted, even those adopted at birth can suffer from the loss of their first mother, sometimes it can be devasting and they simply never recover. My son was only 8 months 1 day old at adoption and had spent less than 7 months in his *great* orphanage...had zero red flags, was listed as low risk by a top IA doctor and yet he suffered and continues to suffer from the effects of being an adoptee and PI issues. See my post in the Russian forum about 'Adopting the Surprise Special Needs Child.'

I knew in my heart there was much more to this story when I first read it...and I posted elsewhere and said...that this was probably their last effort to help the child.

Once upon a time I would have judged this family...now my heart just aches for all of them. But for the grace of God go I.

[smbcpc]

I agree with you, Karen. The parents adopted her when she was only a few months old. Also, if it wasn't working out for the parents, they could have acted a lot sooner so that she could be adopted by another family. Why wait until she is 7? In addition, there is no reason why they could not have her naturalized so that she could have a citizenship.

[Joliey]

My heart does not ache for the family, it aches for the child. She has now lost out on the only security and love she has known. She must be feeling pretty scared, being 7 years old. I hope she finds a family or an institution that will be able to help her. I agree with Karen, he is a diplomat, he needs to do damage control now.

Yoli

[Joliey]

Here is a Time article on this story that you might also want to read:


Can an Adopted Child Be Returned? - TIME

[Katia555]

I was wrong.... and you guys are right. There is somethign strange about this whole thing. I have seen so many cases of the media jumping to conclusions, my immediate reaction was that of misbelief. Thanks for your comments...

[Synesthesia]

I read that article too!
It was also annoying.
I don't think a lot of folks KNOW about RAD, attachment issues, what it entails, what the parents go through with it an endure.

[KarenInCa]

I can't help but think that she probably had different nannies at different stages of her young life and possibly never able to get close to anyone, while her parents were too busy entertaining and being entertained to even try to be real parents to her. Of course, this is my assumption based on their constant travels and lifestyle.
But regardless of who, what, where, and why, I'm glad that it wasn't just something that was easily swept under the rug. Accepting a child is a commitment, not a hobby.

Life is tough, things happen. But a family is the only real constant in anyone's life, no matter what gets tossed your way. My child does not have RAD, but if she were to become disabled tomorrow, or 7 years from now, I certainly would not be giving up on her or treating her as if she IS the problem.
And if I'm lucky, when I'm old and have incontinence, she'll be there helping me with my Depends, and won't discard me either. You do what it takes to work thru problems together. Isn't that what family is all about?