[Ready2bparents]

My husband and I are realizing that our dream to be parents will probaby not happen with China. We have a LID of April 2007 and know that things are not going to get any better with the wait times. So over the summer we started to look into other interntional and domestic adoption programs for older children.

It is extremely frustrating and discouraging to see the lack of responses we've received from the domestic programs. We also decided that we're not interested in any other international programs or switching to the SN program for China.

Is anyone else going through this and how are you handling the depression? Please don't tell me to hang in there and things are going to get better. Take a look at the numbers, they are getting worse! I'm 43 years old and do not want to be a first time parent at 50. I'm sorry if my attitude is poor, but we don't have anyone we can talk to that understands.

We just can't hang on to a empty dream much longer.

Thanks for listening.

[STEPHANIE1975]

We too were gettig frustraited. So we decieded to do a second adoption while this one was in process. We do not forsee us going to China till late next year. We are a 3-06 log in. I hope you will make the right decision for your family and keep hope. sometimes a misdirection is what you need to find the right answer.

[cbw]

I can only imagine your frustration. (We are working on our dossier currently but since we already have two small children, we will welcome the wait time.)
I don't have an answer for you and I certainly wouldn't try to minimize your feelings by telling you that everything is going to get better soon. All I wanted to say was that I hear you and you are not alone.

Good luck.

[amyfk]

Dear Ready2Be....

I am so sorry to hear youre having such a difficult time. I can understand it because I think all of the China waiters have never anticipated in their wildest dreams that their wait for their child would drag out longer and longer...There is a couple in my local support group waiting to adopt from China and I know it has really been most hard on them.
After reading your post I wish I could give you a big Hug. Ask someone around you that you love to give you one, sometimes we just need that to lift our spirits.
I read what you mean about getting older and feeling like you dont have any eggs in any basket(no pun intended).
I dont know where you live, but in my homestate, NJ, there are two adoption conferences that are held each year. I have often attended them. At the conferences there are all sorts of agency representatives, homestudy workers, psychologists, IA doctors, etc.
You may want to hook up with an adoption therapist in your local area if adoption is still an interest to you. They should be able to help you with your feelings of depression and hopefully they can help you find another direction to find your child. Your child may not be in China, but he/she may turn out to be somewhere else just waiting for you. I had read somewhere that there are over 100 million street children or orphans, so logically I'm thinking there has to be somewhere where you can go to find the baby you have been waiting for.
Please seek the help you need. IF you can not think of someone I can try to find you someone through a referral. Many of these therapists, IA doctors, etc. speak on a national basis so I can ask them for recommendations in your area. You can PM me.
Also, although I didnt do the China thing, I got caught in a reaccreditation mess in Russia and we were pilot families in an adoption program that never materialized. So if you want to write to me for support, please feel free to do so. I know how hard it is to wait for child #1 and the feeling of wondering if I'll ever be a mom....that's something I won't forget.
Sincerely,
Amy K, NJ

[Red Head]

Wow....that post could have been mine! That is exactly how we feel. We also have a LID of 4/07. In fact, I haven't been to this site in over four months. And I used to check it almost daily when we were doing the paperwork, etc.
We haven't started looking into domestic adoption yet; but we have discussed it. I am 42, so I suspect my husband and I wouldn't be at the top of any birthmothers list, as we would be considered too old. Please let me know if you find any good information.

[mom3boys]

I certainly have moments when I get depressed and wonder whether this adoption will ever happen. We have also considered other options and have decided that we will wait it out with China. Of course that is easier to say as our LID is 5/06. I recently figured that if they stay with an average of 7 day batches that we will have our referral in 21 months. That's a long way away, but at least I can seen some light at the end of this very long tunnel. I can't imagine how I would be feeling if I had an 07 LID. I can remember when you all were anxiously awaiting DTC and LID in the spring. At the time I was feeling so poorly and couldn't fathom all the optimism everyone had.

I have to tell you though, that everyone goes through really tough periods with this wait. Have you truly considered all the other wonderful adoption programs available? My agencies most popular program is currently Ethiopia and I believe that it is running quite smoothly. There have been times when many people have considered dropping out of the program all together. I then think about the fact that the time will still pass and when our months come up we will receive referrals. I just kind of wish that I could forget about the whole thing until we are about six months from referral. That would make life so much easier!!
Take care of yourself,
Marjorie

[lnaughto]

I COMPLETELY understand your position.

Our LID is 4/6/07. A few months back our agency opened up their other programs to the China families because of the lengthening wait times. My DH and I did some soul- searching (and praying) as to what we should do. We've always wanted to adopt more than one child (and from more than one country), but if we accept a referral from another country first our China application will be closed and we can't re-apply because we don't meet the new May 1st regulations. Back then we weren't ready to let go of our 'China Dream'. We did, however, let our agency know we were open to SNs children. We decided to sit tight and leave the process in God's hands.

As it turns out, last week (purely on a whim) I peeked at our agency's online Waiting Children List (hadn't looked since the summer). There was a little guy that just caught my eye so I requested his info - not from China, but from Korea. We formally requested a match this morning and should know by Wednesday if our agency has approved our request.

The only advice I can offer to you is... if you are a spiritual person there is something to be said for asking for a little help from your higher power... sometimes what we think is the right path is not the right path for us. As a previous post said... your child may be waiting for you in a place other than China.

Please know that whatever your path... we are all here to support you! You are most definitely not alone with your angst... and I only wish I knew what that magic word or phrase was to take your pain away. In lieu of that... all I have are big hugs of support from me to you!

[mom3boys]

Lee, that's really exciting!! I too have seen many beautiful children on the lists from Korea. My DH is too old so we don't qualify. I'll be thinking of you and hoping that you have found your son!!
Marjorie

[Ready2bparents]

Thanks everyone for your support. I was very hesitant to post this since most of the chats have been about referrals and upbeat issues ~ I didn't want to be a downer. But I needed to come to a safe place where I knew you all would understand how I feel.

Lately I just can't handle the questions about how our adoption is going, or the conversations between my husband & I about what we should do. He too is extremely depressed and very upset that we might not ever have children.

Our agency is a China Only agency but extremely supportive if we want to do another adoption while waiting. They will not terminate our application so we have that option.

We are holding tight to our faith and know that He will get us through. There is a plan, we just don't know what it is.

Red Head ~ if you are considering a domestic adoption, you are advantaged being an older parent. From what some of the agencies told us, birth mothers tend to choose parents in our age group.

I think I needed a good cry and a shoulder to lean on. Thanks for listening.

[Norsk]

We are now turning away from China and crossing our fingers that Vietnam is reopening (in our home country) when we are ready to submit our final papersw after approval. I am quite sad about it, because I really have wanted China for many years (Waited 3 years to turn 30! And now that I just did, I don't think I can stand the line. We'ld like our kids to be around the same age, which is why we feel we're in a hurry..)(Oh, and I realise that I most likely now will receive a boy.. -but really wanted to add a girl to our family, having to DS allready..)

[Kama]

Ready2bparents-

Have you looked into other countries, regions other than Asia? How about some of the Eastern European countries (Poland, Lithuania, Latvia, Estonia, etc.). While there are usually no infants available and there are not thousands of adoption from those countries, those countries are good for adopting older children and great to visit. We adopted beautiful healthy and smart siblings (4 and 8) from Poland last year. Our process took only 1 yr, although typically it is a bit more (and we adopted independently). We also are 42 now. Although our primary reason to adopt from Poland was our Polish roots, we found the process and stay in Poland to be very comfortable overall. To be quite honest, while I travelled around the world in my 20s and 30s including many developing countries, these days I prefer to visit places in the developed world, that are a bit more comfortable! While I might be up for visiting China as a tourist, I personally cannot imagine doing my adoption in a culture that is so different and dealing with Chinese bureaucracy. My point is, it is understandable that you are discouraged given changes in adoption from China, but do not give a hope of having kids and do at least consider other countries where adoptions happen as well.

[buddy8203]

We feel the same way. That's why we are completing an adoption with Viet Nam while we wait for China. Our agency told us it would be 2-6months wait once our approval is in. We always wanted two children and we realize with China our baby won't come till 2010 at the least. Hopefully by June we will have a referral for a baby boy!!!!

[KarynB]

Hello,

Just wanted to stick my nose in here - I help to lead a network for families who have adopted from South Africa. Anyways, many of the families who have turned to the SA program are now doing so because of the long wait times for China. I know alot of them had to do some soul-searching before making this big leap.

Anyways, some of the families joined our group while still committed to China just to see what it is about - can you do something like that in your area - just to get an idea what other programs are really like before making a big decision?

Just a thought,
Karyn

[sunshyne68ny]

You're are not the only one having a hard time with the wait. I'm having a really hard time with it as well. I'm going to be 40 in March. I can't imagine waiting till 2010 or longer to have our first (and probably only child at that point) child. We are with a large China only agency as well. I believe they do allow concurrent adoptions, but we just can't afford to do a concurrent adoption unless we use the money we have saved (from a refi) for the China adoption for another country, and I really don't want to use that money (plus find another $10K or so) and then have to come up with the rest when our China referral comes around. We did almost switch to Vietnam when we thought we might not make the restrictions deadline, but we had already invested the money and emotions with China so we stuck with it. I guess we could drop from China and just find another country to adopt from, but still would need more money (and more total than China) and I'm just very reluctant to do that. I guess we wouldn't have to drop out until we get a referral from another country and are sure we can't afford a second adoption, but I don't know. It is very depressing. Nothing feels right to me except sticking with China.. hard to explain.

I've not been posting on this site for months. I am on some Yahoo groups but I haven't been posting to those either too much. I am doing a Secret Pal swap on one of the groups so I can't avoid it all together and it is making the time go by kinda fast.

Otherwise, I'm sad it's going to take so long, but I don't think we have any other options at this point. I always wanted 3 children, then it went down to at least 2 children. But it may only be one at this point and I want this child and if I have to wait 3 or 4 years so be it. I think.

Just wanted to let you know you're not alone.

[KarenInCa]

Sometimes life can take you in completely other directions that you thought. I can't help but think of John Lennon, "Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans".

We went in to our first adoption head first. Once we decided to adopt...Heck, once we decided to have children at all, we dove into the China program and never looked back. The extended referrals were just starting to happen half way thru our wait. But with every month, we never looked back. That was where our daughter was. Period.
Our second daughter will also be born in China. I can't explain it, I just know it.
We got frustrated with the waits with our first daughter, and we were discouraged and very sad at times, but we were going to wait as long as it took. Going to another option was not an option at all, for us.
However, if you feel yourself pulling in another direction, and not just frustrated, then that would be a sign for me, that my child is somewhere else, or perhaps in just a slightly different direction than where I was looking.