[smbcpc]

Hi everyone,

I posted a while ago about my daughter's difficulty sleeping after she adjusted to sleeping through the night 2-3 months ago (after we returned from China). Right now I feel like the situation is getting out of control. She used to go to sleep without a problem and now she is fighting us (as she used to during the adjustment period). She wakes up several times each night crying and wants to be picked up (which I don't do). If I spend a few minutes with her and then leave, she'll start screaming. One night I pretended to fall asleep right next to her bed and she slowly went back to sleep but kept checking every few minutes to make sure I was still there. Last night she woke up about 5 times and I needed to help her fall back to sleep. Needless to say, dh and I are exhausted. What is happening here? I know she is not sick, she is not teething right now, we have a CD playing the sound of waves in her room and she has a night light. Is this the beginning of separation enxiety? Has anyone been through something similar? She also refuses to take her naps and sometimes just falls asleep on the sofa in the living room. Shayna is now 14 months old.

Thanks for any feedback or suggestions!

[angelkisses0102]

Sounds like you are out of the honeymoon phase with attachment and transitioning. These two sites offer very great insight and ideas...

Attach-China
A4everFamily.org - HOME

[copper653]

No help here. It seems like we are going through the same thing. Dh who swore we would never cosleep is now bringing dd into the bed when she has screamed the last two nights and wouldn't go back to sleep. I have to talk to her in order for her to go to sleep at nap and bedtime. I worry about her getting enough rest so that we can all get through this transition. We just seem to be taking it one day at a time and going back a couple of steps to get her to go to sleep quietly and not all upset. I have the last two days started to put her back in the ergo and I think I will continue to do it for a while until things seem to settle down. I back carry though and the one link said to front carry, I might try that tomorrow and see if she fights it.

Good Luck and know you aren't the only one going through this right now. Heading off to the mall to get some strong caffinated tea for those early mornings.

[cindymms]

Try co-sleeping for your sanity and physical health. At some point it is no longer about the ideal but about survival.

Trust me as a mom to 4 kids who all have slept in our bed; some a lot some a little but all did they will leave your bed, you are not doomed to co-sleeping for life!

And for all those that freak out about how will we ever have time together. Well live on the wild side....I'm sure your house has more rooms than your bedroom and more furniture than a bed!

Cindy

[MissyAmomChina]

Hi,

One quick thought. It may totally feel like a regression in the whole attachment process........but this really may be a sign of progress. I know it's not progress on getting everyone enough rest, but it's a good sign that your daughter really gets "if I cry, they come." She may be feeling comfortable enough to really let her "hair down" so to speak and show all of her emotions. This is also probably the first time in her life that if she cries, adults immediately meet her needs. So, she's figuring all this out. A lot of folks find that at the 4 month or so time home, their child seems more fussy/cries more. And it's a very natural to think "Wait, why is this getting worse? What's wrong here?" In reality it is probably a very good step (but a difficult one for you all) in her attachment progress. Sometimes for me, just reframing things mentally helped. i.e This is an regression, this is progress.

My recommendation would be similair to what other's posted. I'd keep up the attachment exercises and perhaps take a look at some reading materials/websites to refresh you memory on some ways to promote attachment. I'd continue with a very consistent bed time routine. Then I'd do whatever brings the family the most rest. Co-sleeping, putting her in a pack in play in your room, putting an air mattress in her room and taking turns with your dh. Please know, that as brutal as this is, it does get better. Sometimes you are so close to the situation , you can't see the progress......but I promise, it does get better.

[blueprints]

Originally Posted by smbcpc

Hi everyone,

She wakes up several times each night crying and wants to be picked up (which I don't do).

It is so important for attachment that you DO pick her up, meet all her needs, comfort comfort comfort. It's the best thing for bonding and allows your child to trust you. I would also recommend co-sleeping. We bought a portable crib (it's on wheels) for our daughter and I put it right next to my bed at night. She's been home 10 months and still wakes at least once durning the night but I am right there to comfort her and she will usually go right back to sleep. Sometimes she needs a bottle or to get into bed with us but we never let her cry it out. It's better to do everything you can for bonding now because it's such a short time that you will go through this and the bond and trusting will last a lifetime.

On the other hand, a child that has never learned to trust, the attachment issues are heartbreaking for the entire family. You cannot imagine how horrible and heartbreaking this can be, I would error on the side of caution.

[smbcpc]

Thanks everyone!
We have tried just about anything, even taking her to our bed but she doesn't consider our bed as a place for sleeping. She wants to play and will not lie down for minute. That's a tough one with her. We'll keep working on it. But overall she knows she can count on us to be there for her in the middle of the night or whenever she needs us.

[mjan]

My 3 yr old bio ds still has never slept through the night. Maybe I am the last one to offer advice, but at around 17 months, I got rid of his crib and put a futon matress on the floor. I would lay with him until he fell asleep and then left the room. He went from waking every 2 hours to waking only once a night. (And still wakes once a night now). I usually lay with him when he wakes at night. But at least we are all getting a decent night's sleep.

[copper653]

Hey Sue! I guess I am lucky then because dd does sleep in our bed. As dh put it I co sleep with her, he sleeps in the other room. Last night she wouldn't even go to bed in the crib, but will at nap time.

We are getting very fustrated, but we think part of the problem is she is getting her back molars in. They seem to be pretty painful for her. Plus the other night she had a major poopy blow out at 3am which I think has her scared to sleep in her crib. I am working on dh to switch her crib to the toddler bed, but he isn't having it.

I am getting fustrated with everyone saying that I am giving in to her, but she wakes screaming and just won't stop. Screaming isn't a good thing to me and I think that is why dh has allowed me to co sleep with her. Just yesterday my dad made a comment about me picking her up all the time. I just said thanks okay you told me, now you don't have to tell me again. It was aleast the third time he's said it and I wasn't in the mood to hear it again. I know he was pissed, but he isn't here at night so he has no idea what it is like.

I was going to run her around today and wear her out, but now after nap she seems pretty content so maybe later we'll headout.

Good luck and I hope we both get some sleep tonight.

[KarynB]

We have had a ton of sleep issues too. When ds was home about 6 months we decided to let him CIO - nothing else was working and things were getting worse and worse. Well, it worked and he finally slept through the night!!!! This went on for about 6-8 weeks, all was good and the only issue was he was getting up pretty early (between 5:30-6:30).

Then, about 3-4 weeks ago he started waking himself up after we layed him in his crib. The SLIGHTEST sound wakes him up and he stands and cries. Or, if we manage to get out fo the room, when we come back to go to bed oursleves he wakes up and cries. Now we are back to square one - he wakes at night, as we put him to bed, during naptime. Today it took me 2 hours to get him to nap!!!!!!

We have tried co-sleeping and some nights it is great, some not so great. I like it - but I also like having a bit of space from DS as I am home with him all day. We may have to try the CIO thing again, even though I HATE doing it and I feel now that he is older (15 months) it will be even harder.

Any ideas would be much appreciated!

Karyn

[copper653]

Originally Posted by MissyAmomChina

Hi,

One quick thought. It may totally feel like a regression in the whole attachment process........but this really may be a sign of progress. I know it's not progress on getting everyone enough rest, but it's a good sign that your daughter really gets "if I cry, they come." She may be feeling comfortable enough to really let her "hair down" so to speak and show all of her emotions. This is also probably the first time in her life that if she cries, adults immediately meet her needs. So, she's figuring all this out. A lot of folks find that at the 4 month or so time home, their child seems more fussy/cries more. And it's a very natural to think "Wait, why is this getting worse? What's wrong here?" In reality it is probably a very good step (but a difficult one for you all) in her attachment progress. Sometimes for me, just reframing things mentally helped. i.e This is an regression, this is progress.

My recommendation would be similair to what other's posted. I'd keep up the attachment exercises and perhaps take a look at some reading materials/websites to refresh you memory on some ways to promote attachment. I'd continue with a very consistent bed time routine. Then I'd do whatever brings the family the most rest. Co-sleeping, putting her in a pack in play in your room, putting an air mattress in her room and taking turns with your dh. Please know, that as brutal as this is, it does get better. Sometimes you are so close to the situation , you can't see the progress......but I promise, it does get better.

Ok, things aren't getting better here and my husband and I disagree on how to proceed. He wants to sit in her room and let her CIO. I can't do it. I keep telling him, but he isn't listening to me. At this point it feels as if she knows crying/screaming will get her way and it fustrates me, but from what I've seen just letting her CIO isn't going to make her sleep in her crib. She seems to get too upset to calm herself. It is as if she can't sleep any longer if I am not right there, if she can't reach out and touch me. I tried leaving my shirt with her last night, I tried waiting until I thought she was asleep, but as soon as I left she woke up and started screaming. Plus what fustrates me even more is she is asleep in her crib right now at naptime. What is so different about sleeping in her crib at naptime vs bedtime?

Does anyone has a good point, a link, anything that will get my husband to bring her crib in our room or to put our mattresses on the floor with hers next to it? I need some space and I want to sleep next to my husband (he sleeps in the other room when our daughter is in bed with me.)

[KarynB]

I can totally sympathize as we are going through the EXACT same thing. Try these links...

Adoption - Adoptive Families

Adoption.com - Information on International, Domestic, Child & Agency Adoptions, Stories, Laws - .org/topics/

sleep-and- adoption. html.

Hope this helps. By the way - we decided to let our son CIO the other night - we just couldn't keep getting up 5-6 times a night. First night - 45 minutes, Next night 20 minutes, Third night 5 minutes. Fourth night didn't wake up.

I so hear you on how this all is - I am still not convinced that CIO works or that we shpuld be doing it, but I can't keep functioning on no sleep either. Just not possible.

Karyn

[copper653]

Originally Posted by KarynB

I can totally sympathize as we are going through the EXACT same thing. Try these links...

Adoption - Adoptive Families

Adoption.com - Information on International, Domestic, Child & Agency Adoptions, Stories, Laws - .org/topics/

sleep-and- adoption. html.

Hope this helps. By the way - we decided to let our son CIO the other night - we just couldn't keep getting up 5-6 times a night. First night - 45 minutes, Next night 20 minutes, Third night 5 minutes. Fourth night didn't wake up.

I so hear you on how this all is - I am still not convinced that CIO works or that we shpuld be doing it, but I can't keep functioning on no sleep either. Just not possible.

Karyn

you are a brave woman to listen to your son cry for 45 mins. I couldn't do 10 mins last night, I was alone and dh will be home at night for the next two weeks still don't think I could go that long. One thing though she just threw two small tantrums and I hung in there and didn't give in, so maybe if I am alittle stronger during the day she won't be as pushy at night.

Right now she is in her crib. We decided to try and keep her up just abit to see if perhaps her sleep window is abit later and she is waking up in the middle of the night and can't sleep because she isn't sleepy. I tricked her into thinking that I had to go and do something. So far she is up there and being quiet. I hate to do it, but compared to CIO it feels like the lesser of two evils.

Thanks for the links, I will go check them out.

[KarynB]

Yeah, it ws tough, but he has been home for ten months now and we really feel if we don't get this under some sort of control we are setting him up for a lifetime of bad sleep habits. And the more we did for him (rocking, nursing, feeding, co-sleeping) the more he woke up and the more he wanted. He sleeps in our room, and would be welcome to sleep in our bed but that means he is up every hour or so to nurse (I am breastfeeding him) and that just doesn't work.

It is the LAST choice, for sure, but we felt there was no other to make, you know? And I would NEVER suggest it for babies who have just come home or who show any signs of attachmnet issues.

Last night DS woke up when DH got up to go to washroom - DH rocked him and held him and every time he went to put him in crib he woke right up and wanted to be picked up. Well, what can you do, hold them all night? So we let him cry and it was about 20 minutes. It is HARD....

Good luck to you - I am right there with you!

BTW - We also are trying to see if he just needs to be up a bit later and he wakes because he is not sleepy enough!

Karyn

[copper653]

well, she did good, went to sleep on her own, but woke at 2:30 and wouldn't go back into the crib. I let her cry for a bit and tried kinda treating it like a tantrum but it didn't work. Then I asked her if she had had a bad dream. That seemed to calm her down and I hugged her through the crib. I did make the mistake of picking her up. Once out of the crib I tried then just put her in our bed.

I am hoping, with all fingers and toes crossed, that she goes down ok again tonight. Dh says if he sees improvement that we can continue to try and soothe her and pushing her gently to sleep through the night in the crib. NO luck though on trying again and again in saying that I don't want to CIO. He says that I am choosing set us up for failure. I just see it as choosing that this isn't the best option of me.

Off to put her down for naptime.