[smbcpc]

My little girl is a good natured baby (she just turned 1 yesterday) and hardly does anything that makes us say NO to her. However, in the past few days she found a new hobby - pulling mommy's hair and trying to poke her eyes out. Fun huh? I say NO repeatedly in a stern voice and tell her that it hurts mommy. Her reaction is hysterical giggling. She thinks it's very funny. She also loves to grab dh's glasses.

How do you explain to a baby what NO means? DH suggesetd time out in the playpen.

[Lissa]

Removing them from the situation or diversion works well. I also did time outs (though I know Karen did/does time ins with great success.) We had a seperate play pen that was the "boring" play pen. We used her fun playpen for naps or for times when mommy could not be with her--like cooking dinner etc. She "got it" after awhile. But at one children have no empathy so to her it is funny. She doesn't understand it hurts.

[Dan_C]

Hmm looks like you need to find her a new hobby, does she enjoy hiking or outdoor activities?

Time out for a 1yr old seems like a stretch for me. I just don't think at that age she will "get it" and realize that it's punishment for something that she probably doesn't realize is bad behavior.

I would say maybe a stern look and sharp "no!" followed by putting her down might help. Then all she can do is gnaw at your ankles, or at worst whack you in the shins.

[BooKoo]

Time outs are your ticket and its very easy. As soon as she pulls your hair you take her to a wall (it does not have to be a corner) and you have her stand there for one minute with her face turned away from everything. She will understand she is being (visually and phyiscally) seperated and she wont like it a bit. Expect her to cry, to pull on your heart strings, and to try and physically leave the spot. At her age youll need to stand behind her, probably with your hand softly on her shoulder keep her turned away, and then dont speak to her. That Time Out is not the time to explain to her why she is there or to engage her in any other conversation. When her minute is up, kneel down so that youre eye to eye with her, and then explain to her what she's done wrong and why she got a time out. Youll also need to start teaching her to say she is sorry to you, and to give you a hug/kiss.
I found that the biggest tool you have here is remaining calm. She might have a total meltdown until she understands actions and consequences but for you it should be just a matter of fact and nothing more.
Any time she grabs your hair after that, or pulls someones glasses off, you invade her world with another time out. You have to be swift and consistent. No counting, no warning, nothing like that. Hair pulled....time out...period.
Good Luck.

[sparkybear]

Originally Posted by BooKoo

Time outs are your ticket and its very easy. As soon as she pulls your hair you take her to a wall (it does not have to be a corner) and you have her stand there for one minute with her face turned away from everything. She will understand she is being (visually and phyiscally) seperated and she wont like it a bit. Expect her to cry, to pull on your heart strings, and to try and physically leave the spot. At her age youll need to stand behind her, probably with your hand softly on her shoulder keep her turned away, and then dont speak to her. That Time Out is not the time to explain to her why she is there or to engage her in any other conversation. When her minute is up, kneel down so that youre eye to eye with her, and then explain to her what she's done wrong and why she got a time out. Youll also need to start teaching her to say she is sorry to you, and to give you a hug/kiss.
I found that the biggest tool you have here is remaining calm. She might have a total meltdown until she understands actions and consequences but for you it should be just a matter of fact and nothing more.
Any time she grabs your hair after that, or pulls someones glasses off, you invade her world with another time out. You have to be swift and consistent. No counting, no warning, nothing like that. Hair pulled....time out...period.
Good Luck.

I have to respectfully disagree here. A one year old adopted from China most likely has spent more time in a SWI or foster home than home with her parents. Bonding and attachment to her parents is critical. By doing time outs in this manner at this time you could seriously impede her attachment and bonding. I agree with Lissa. Remove her from the situation or create a distraction to stop the behaviour.

[SofiasMom]

here's a good place for info for adopted children

A4everFamily.org - Basic Safety Commands: Come, Sit, Stay, Stop/No

[BooKoo]

Originally Posted by sparkybear

I have to respectfully disagree here. A one year old adopted from China most likely has spent more time in a SWI or foster home than home with her parents. Bonding and attachment to her parents is critical. By doing time outs in this manner at this time you could seriously impede her attachment and bonding. I agree with Lissa. Remove her from the situation or create a distraction to stop the behaviour.

Well, the original poster didnt make mention of any problems aside from this behavior so I assumed everything else was fine. Removing a child from the situation is the same thing as a time out, and to discipline your child is one of the best forms of bonding and attachment there is.

[MissyAmomChina]

Hi,

I agree with redirection. I'm also about stating what you want her to do vs. saying no. So, you may take her hand stroke your face or hair and say "soft touch" or "nice touch" or whatever. But to be honest, my guess is that at 12 months, she won't get this concept for a while. Also, I'm with Lissa, she's not doing it to be hurtfull or aggressive.

Also, children who are working on attachment and bonding may not respond to no and time outs the same way a child who is not had the background our children have. So, while I do think all parents work on discipline, you may want to handle our children different than you would a non-adopted child.

[MissyAmomChina]

Hi,

I agree with redirection. I'm also about stating what you want her to do vs. saying no. Sometimes children from post-institutionalized backgrounds don't have the emotional regulation to handle a firm, harsh "No." So, you may take her hand stroke your face or hair and say "soft touch" or "nice touch" or whatever. But to be honest, my guess is that at 12 months, she won't get this concept for a while. Also, I'm with Lissa, she's not doing it to be hurtfull or aggressive and it will pass.

Take care,
Melissa

[KarenInCa]

I have to say that I agree with Sparky. We've used time out once or twice but she takes it extremely hard, and our daughter is almost 3 yrs old. The stress to her is beyond words, with timeout.
BooKoo- Removing the child from the situation is in no way the same as a time out. Time out means isolation and comes with fear to the child. Removing the child from the situation is redirecting their attention. It is not isolation or involve subconscious fears of loss.

Our daughter was in the SWI for her first 16 months of her life, and something that seems as simple as a one minute time out can easily bring back feelings of neglect or isolation that are NOT common for most children but are common for children being cared for in an SWI.
It's similar to letting the child "cry it out" in the crib. This might seem ok for children not from an SWI, but when I tried it for my daughter, she did get quiet after a while.....and after an hour of being quiet, I snuck into her bedroom only to find that she was quiet only because she was sitting up, in the dark, doing NOTHING at all. She had shut down, as was most likely how she responded when she felt isolated at night in the SWI. But I would not have been aware of that just from listening for her, I would have thought she had gone to sleep. I will never again leave her to "cry it out".
You also don't want the playpen to be used for time out, because anything that you use as a "time out" will have a negative influence on her, and then everytime you put her in the playpen she will cry for fear that she is being there to be isolated. I've heard the same thing about sending children to their room as punishments.
Time out might work when she is older, but not now. It would probably do more long term dammage than short term good. Redirection is the best. Or, with her pulling your hair, pretend to cry, and isolate yourself so that she knows it hurts you.

[smbcpc]

Thanks to everyone for all the advice. My preference is definitely to divert her attention to other things when she gets into the hair pulling mode and for the most part it works.