[mkinzie]

Hello everyone! I haven't posted in a while because everything has been going very well with my little sweetie! She is now such an easy baby and when I think of how far we've come in the last months I'm amazed. She has blossomed since we've come home. I hope she continues to do so well but I go back to school in a couple of weeks and this worries me. We're starting daycare on Monday. We've visited and she seems to love it. It was only for about 1/2 hour so who knows? Will she attach to her care workers there more than me? I'm worried that all the progress we've made is going to be lost. Am I worrying too much? I tend to do that!

The reason I'm so worried about her is because when we first brought her home she wouldn't go to anyone else but me. I used to worry that I'd never be able to leave her alone. This happened for about a month. Now she'll go to almost any female which now worries me more. Does this mean she's not attached to me or does it mean that she's confident that she's safe? I'm not sure. There are time when she meets new woman that she'll want them to hold her and not me. When I go to take her back she starts crying and wants to go to them again. Is this normal? She's 17 months old now. It doesn't happen everytime but often enough that it worries me. My best friend says it's because she gets tired of being with me all the time and a new person is interesting. I'm afraid she'll just go with anyone. Yesterday she went up to a complete stranger and sat on her lap for about 5 minutes. It was a woman who cares for my elderly aunt. When the woman was leaving I took her back and she cried and held out her arms to go to the other woman. She clearly didn't want me. Even though it shouldn't, it hurt my feelings quite a bit. She doesn't usually cry when I leave (a few times she has) but when I come back she runs to me and is excited to see me. Now I'll be leaving her for a long time everyday. What if she hasn't attached to me enough? Any thoughts?

[angelkisses0102]

You are probably not going to like my answer. It definitely sounds attachment related to me...'mommy shopping' is what it is commonly referred to and is a huge red flag. I would strongly attachment parent her and not allow anyone other than yourself to hold her. Slings/carrier are a great tool. Other than daycare, no one should be doing any holding, comforting, feeding, bathing, or changing her. I would explain the situation to the daycare. I have heard of people having the daycare provider talk about what a great mommy the child has, etc to help establish your role more strongly.

Reread (or read) all of your attachment books again, it is amazing how much more you will get out of them. A couple of sites that are good...
My favorite... A4everFamily.org - HOME the entire site is great and has tons of information. Attach-China is another great site. I have a bunch of links as well, if you are interested. I'll post a great article in a seperate post.

Attachment is a process, full of two steps forward and one step back or even one step forward and two steps back. Your DD is still very young and with some hard work now, she should attach and bond to you. Good luck and hang in.

[angelkisses0102]

While this talks to attachment disorder, it is beneficial to any adopted baby and toddler...it helps establish and move along the attachment process so that your child will enjoy a secure and healthy bond to you as her mommy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~

I wish you all the best in your adventure. No one is superhuman, and there will be times when you cannot do all you want with your baby. Take heart, NO ONE can do it all!! If your baby is getting emotionally closer to YOU, you are doing great and giving the baby a priceless gift. I have worked with older children with attachment problems also, and believe me, NOW is the easiest and best time to start!! God bless you on your adventure!

Beth McCann

BAMcCann@AOL.COM

Bucksport, ME

Please feel free to copy this paper and give to anyone who might use it.

This treatment and paper have been approved by Dr. Dan Hughes, attachment specialist. Thanks Dan.




Help for Infants and
Toddlers with Attachment Disorder

News for Moms – use smiles, food, eye contact, touch and motion to help that avoidant baby!!

Babies – treat now, not later!! Have that baby that won't look at your face, even if standing on your head? Will look at your mouth or nose, yet not your eyes, especially when you are holding them? That baby that won't snuggle deep in your arm? That baby that you just don't FEEL cares if you are around or not, or seems to care until you pick them up? Doesn't cry or coo? Frets and whines a lot? Very withdrawn or passive? Has poor muscle tone? Slow to creep, crawl or sit up? Is called a "too good baby"? Has no joy that touches their soul? Has a history of multiple caregivers and or neglect? Or chronic inconsolable pain?

If so, your baby or toddler most likely has signs of attachment disorder. If not helped, there is GREAT danger for their emotional healthiness, as well as the lives of those they touch. By age 5 they can be hurtful to pets, have frequent lying, be extremely manipulative, devious and destructive. It only gets worse. ACT NOW!!

There is help out there, and the sooner you start, the sooner the baby can get on with its job of being the center of the known universe. It works, I know from personal experience. There is no quick fix, and it can take years for total recovery, yet the longer you sit and do nothing, the more damage is done. Love alone with babies with attachment symptoms is not enough!!!! And yes, a few month old baby CAN BE DAMAGED!!! My daughter was 16 weeks old with many of the above symptoms when we got her. I know of others. I will use the name "baby and toddler" as one as well as "Mom" meaning the primary caregiver.


WHAT CAN YOU DO!!!??? READ ON!!!!!!

1) YOU, AND ONLY YOU, WEAR YOUR BABY!! Carry them with you wherever you go, and whatever you do. (unless dangerous) Attach them to your bodies. A great baby carrier is one that the baby can have skin to skin contact with you – Baby Trekker (1-800-665-3957) is a great one, and DHS bought mine! (Tank tops are great to encourage skin to skin contact). Carry the baby on your hip; tie to your body under a sweatshirt, front carrier, or in your arms. The more contact the better. These babies were not held enough. Hold Them!!!! ALOT!!! ALL THE TIME!!!! For the rare times the baby is not in your arms, have them in the same room as you are in.

2) YOU ARE THE ONLY CAREGIVER!! You always bottle, feed, bath, dress, change and most of the play. If friends and family want to help let them walk the dog or clean your house, wash bottles or do laundry, bring food or make you tea. No baby-sitters and no sending the baby away for respite. Until your baby is firmly emotionally attached to you. NO ONE the baby doesn't see daily should hold or even touch them, and even those that the baby sees daily should hold them at a very minimum.

3) KEEP THE BOTTLE AS LONG AS POSSIBLE –EVEN LONGER! You, not the baby, hold the bottle. I hold the bottle with my chin so I have two hands to snuggle my baby close to me. Hold them the way a nursing mother does – chest to chest, close to you with as much skin to skin contact as possible. Always insist your baby look in your eyes and when they do, instantly put the bottle in their mouth and tell them good job!! Keep looking at their eyes so when they are ready for eye contact, you don't miss it. Rub them gently, rock, sing.

4) BATHE WITH YOUR BABY, this encourages skin to skin contact in a nice relaxing warm fun way.

5) A LOT OF FACE TO FACE baby games and funny faces and TONS of smiles and kisses!! Paint bright circles around your eyes. Close one eye, then the other, rapidly blink, then change speeds, all the time with funny noises. Cover both eyes then one, and so on. Have the baby sit on your lap, and if this is too hard for them at first, lay them on a bed to do it. Then slowly trick them into letting you touch and hold them!! Keep it fun for them.

6) WHEN THERE IS A GREAT DEAL OF ANGER OR AVOIDANCE, the baby NEEDS you to hold them, even if they don't WANT to be held. They feel so far away from you, and have to be brought closer to heal. Cradle the baby in your arms. Have their arm closest to you held close. Talk soothingly to them, and tell them to look in mommy's eyes. They most likely won't at first, and will become very angry, (actually they were already very angry, the anger is just allowed to come out in a safe loved way) Other times in their life they were not able to get their needs met; anger and avoidance came out of that. They were often either ignored, hit, or yelled at. That is why it is SO IMPORTANT this ALL be done in an extremely loving way. Never squeeze the baby too close, speak harshly, lose your cool or forget why you are doing this. If you get to feeling their anger, immediately put them down and call support. You have to remain supportive, yet expect their best. Often they will try to hit you, scratch, bite, scream and get to you any way they can. Their intense rage is there. Yes, even little babies. Eye contact, feeling safe, and being accepted no matter what in a loving way is the goal here. For whatever reason, they have shut off people. Now they need YOU to heal. My daughter needed it most after someone she didn't know EXTREMELY well would touch her or hold her. Rub them, soothe them in singing, and soft speech, rock them and tell them you love them. Keep it up until they will calm down and look in your eyes and FEEL connected to you. At times they will fall asleep screaming. If so, and if possible, continue to hold them until they wake up, then continue above. If you need to lay them down, have a monitor on so you can pick them up as soon as they wake up. For the very avoidant baby one unsolicited eye contact a week could be considered good! Keep it up, you have several good eye contacts a minute to look forward to! Remember, you did not create this anger in your baby.

7) NOW IS THE BEST AND EASIEST TIME TO WORK WITH YOUR BABY.

8) DO A LOT OF BABY MASSAGES. For the real avoidant baby, a half hour. Each day you delay, the harder it is for them and you. Attachment issues do NOT just go away on their own. They only get worse. Twice a day would be minimum. All the time talk, sing and let that baby know how special they are!! Most of the babies seem to really enjoy this, and my daughter would even get out the lotion as soon as she could reach for it!!

9) ROCK THAT BABY!! They often can't stand you sitting in a rocking chair, but can often tolerate and enjoy you walking and dancing with them in your arms. (remember face to face contact during this) Gentle motion, bouncing and rocking are a must!!

10) SLEEP WITH THE BABY. If you can, the best is to have the baby in your bed close to you. Second choice is to have the baby in their crib right next to your side of the bed with the side rail down. Have the crib touching snug to your bed, so if they climb out, they climb safely onto you!! They need t hear your breathing and know you are close. My daughter was always asleep when I put her in her crib, yet that little tiny thing would move her body as far away from me as she could, and always would turn her head away from me. I still remember the first night she didn't!! What Joy!! DHS will let you have a baby under one sleep in your room with no problems. (It's in the rule book!) Yet for someone over one, you get special permission (in writing) to have them sleep in your room for mental health reasons. Should not be a big problem. Have the baby always fall asleep in your arms. Nap or night. They need to get used to feeling loved!!

11) SING, SING, SING!!! It lightens the load, and helps the baby feel the happy friendliness they missed out on. Joyful voices are so important!

12) ENCOURAGE EYE CONTACT WHEN FEEDING, BOTTLING, TALKING, CHANGING, AND ALL THE TIME!! Bribery of candy, special toys or sounds, tickles, or whatever. As one specialist told me in giving them candy, "They can live with rotten teeth, yet can not truly live without attachments!!"

13) EXPECT A DIRTY HOUSE, soup out of the can and sandwiches for supper and piles of laundry. Know that you are not super mom, and that baby can't wait until all is in order to get on with their lives. Here is where all those well meaning friends that want to hold that precious baby come in!! Let them work!!!

14) EXPECT TO BE CRITICIZED AND ACCUSED as over possessive, spoiling the baby, and making more than you should out of the baby's problems. You will be told all babies do that. This is by well meaning friends, neighbors, relatives, doctors, and social workers. Stick to what YOU KNOW the baby needs, and fight to get that for them. Remember YOU know that baby more than anyone else.

15) HAVE A GREAT SUPPORT SYSTEM. Have a trusted friend (hopefully someone who has had experience in attachment disorder) that you can call without being told you are making too much of it. Read books on attachment disorder. Know what dangers await that baby if they are not helped. Working with an infant or toddler has such a HUGE chance for success!! Not one act of kindness is wasted.

16) GET AN OFFICIAL EVALUATION BY AN ATTACHMENT EXPERT.

Dr. Dan Hughes does these (207-872-2121) That way in court and with workers you do have leg to stand on in getting these babies what they need!!! It is a lot easier when you have a well respected expert stick up for you. Even judges listen to Dan!!

17) KNOW YOU NEITHER CREATED YOUR BABY'S PROBLEMS, NOR CAN YOU CURE THEM. Your job is to give the baby the tools they need. The rest is up to them.

18) PRAY, A LOT. It is a very big job you have undertaken and at times a very lonely one. Know YOU are just as precious to Jesus as that little baby you are working with.

19) FOR THE BABY THAT HAS NOT YET ENTERED YOUR HOME – when you get that baby, get a piece of clothing or blanket unwashed and used recently by the primary caregiver. The smell will help the move. And don't you wash it!! Keep it close to the baby to help the baby adjust. No matter the baby's age or living conditions, the move to you is not easy. Never push this object, but make it available.

20) HELP YOUR BABY GET A TRANSFERENCE OBJECT. This is a blanket or soft toy they can sleep with, use it in the car seat, and for the RARE time you cannot be with them. Helps in security.

21) IF YOU DO ALL OF THESE WITH LOVE AND KINDNESS AND THINGS GET WORSE OR REMAIN THE SAME, GET HELP. I have never heard of them getting worse when done this way, yet anything is possible.

[mkinzie]

Thanks for responding. I read the info in the second post and have a question. She does look me in the eye. She hugs and kisses me constantly, too. I don't know if that makes any difference as to whether or not she's attached to me. I am so scared now. I have been the only caregiver other than DH for almost 5 months and if she hasn't attached with that how is going to daycare going to help? I almost feel like the whole daycare thing is going to be terrible but I have to work. I'm feeling pretty low now!

[KDhappygal]

Our oldest daughter, who came home at 8.5 months, has always been very social. She would walk up to and ask to hold hands with complete strangers. She was always happy to have other people hold her, whether we knew them or not.

That said, we knew it was not an attachment issue. She attached to us very quickly and quite strongly too. She is just a very social little girl.

Yes, it may be an attachment issue but it may also be that she is confident and comfortable or curious with other people. Neither one of our daughters ever had any stranger anxiety and now at 3 & 4 years of age they continue to be outgoing, confident girls not afraid of strangers.

We've already started talking to them about stranger danger because they were asking questions in relation to a movie.....I told them if a stranger (man) ever tried to get them to go away with him they should kick, scream, yell, call for help etc., etc.,

Guess what Gabriella's response was...."I'll just ask him his name, then he won't be a stranger anymore." Took a while to get her to understand that wasn't OK.

Not sure if this was helpful but it has been our experience.

[lucia2]

Indiscriminate affection is the term for what I think you're fearing & it’s one of many indicators of compromised or disrupted attachment. I'd definitely seek an assessment from an IA specialist to see where things are at w/ your D. we went for an evaluation & they made wonderful observations about our bonding & attachment. The specialist we consulted noticed behaviors I completely over looked. This is a complex issue and attachmnet is a process. you sound like you're very aware already & that's so important.

[MissyAmomChina]

Hi,

One thing I want to throw in there is that attachment is not an all or nothing thing. So, it's not like you have 2 options of ---attached vs. attachment disorder. There is a whole lot in between.

So, it sounds like you are seeing some great positive signs with the eye contact, and affection. Definately celebrate that. Going to random strangers, at times, and wanting to be picked up, not wanting to go back to you etc, that sounds like an area of need.

I know that seeing any attachment need is scary. It scared the heck out of me. But, I want you to know that it doesn't have to mean this big, awful, gloom and doom situation either. There's a lot of hope and there's a lot of help. Does your agency (homestudy or adoption) have a counceling service or referral service to attachment specialists? If so, I'd start there.

I hear many positive things in your post. You've been able to be your daughter's exclusive caregiver She's got many strengths and you've seen her come far. I'm also going to say kudos to you for considering that this may be an attachment need. A lot of time, that's such a scary, dark thought, people tend to not want to think that way. You are right that going to work and childcare will be a factor to consider and I think that is insightfull of you. I think these are all positives.

Lastly, I want to say of course you take things personally, we all do. But really try not to. All of our children come from "attachment compromised" backgrounds. Some children have very minor attachment needs, some have major attachment needs and a lot are in the middle. We are not to be blamed for any of these needs, yet we are ones who help them through these processes. The whole area study of attachment has come a long way in the past ten years and a lot of the information is optimistic. It may take a lot of work on everyone's part, but it can be done.

Take care,
Melissa

[Kaijinsbigsis]

My sister, Reese, was home for like 2 weeks when we sent her to daycare. I was supposed to take care of during the day while Mom and Dad were at work and just couldn't handle it. She's a lot of 2 year old. And I was stressed and jet-lagged too, which didn't help.I think I could handle it now but hey...
She was in the k2 class, which has about 4 or 5 teachers in rotation or something. She's bonded to them well, but we're still number 1. Every now and then (especially after she's been home for a while-sick or whatever, or if she just didn't get enough sleep) she'll cry.
Monday she starts K3 (it's like a K2-K3 merger because the K2 "pod" is having to be downsized so the older K2s and the youngest K3s are being put in this class. It's about 10 kids, mostly kids who would technically be in K2 due to state age requirements and the fact they're not potty-trained.), and we told her teacher to please not let the afternoon teacher get all cuddly and stuff with her. They have another teacher come in after nap to help until the kids go home. Her teacher is an old friend so she didn't mind once we explained to her about the whole attachment thing.

Monica

[kff]

I wouldn't worry too much. In my opinion as a mom , just be aware of a possible problem and don't let it consume you! I'm not sure if there is difference between Bio and adopted children in daycare. However, our bio daughter went to daycare since 4 months old. It's totally natural that she feels comfortable with her daycare workers, it shows the child is happy and their doing a good job! You don't want a child crying at drop off! Don't let anybody convince you that sending a child to daycare is less desirable than being a stay at home parent (as long as the caregivers are qualified and loving). Daycare is fun for kids, they want to be with other children, it helps social skills for later in life. Our daughter is now a well adjusted and happy seven year old.

[mkinzie]

Thanks for all the responses. I read over many of the attachment sites last night and the only sympton that she has shown is the going to strangers. She doesn't go to everyone just certain woman who are friendly to her. I won't allow anyone to hold her anymore. The scary thing is she's only had someone watch her twice for a total of 5 hours in the last 4 1/2 months. I have been her complete caregiver other than DH. I don't have family that helps out. She was a velcro baby at first, too. We've never had any of the other problems. I am going to call the agency tomorrow and see about going to a therapist. I'd rather be safe than sorry later. I'm still terrified, though. All the time I've spent with her and if she hasn't attached to me my heart will be broken. To wait all this time and to realize that my little girl prefers someone else over me is heartbreaking. Even if I didn't do anything wrong.

[Norsk]

Quote:
News for Moms – use smiles, food, eye contact, touch and motion to help that avoidant baby!!

Babies – treat now, not later!! Have that baby that won't look at your face, even if standing on your head? Will look at your mouth or nose, yet not your eyes, especially when you are holding them? That baby that won't snuggle deep in your arm? That baby that you just don't FEEL cares if you are around or not, or seems to care until you pick them up? Doesn't cry or coo? Frets and whines a lot? Very withdrawn or passive? Has poor muscle tone? Slow to creep, crawl or sit up? Is called a "too good baby"? Has no joy that touches their soul? Has a history of multiple caregivers and or neglect? Or chronic inconsolable pain?

If so, your baby or toddler most likely has signs of attachment disorder. Quote ends.


It makes me very sad to read this because the highlighted points fit my oldest son - my bio son. As a baby, he never really wanted much close contact, was extremely easy, hardly ever cried and would go to anyone or worse.. hen older: would leave out the door and not look back..completely fearless He was slow with language too.
I am so afraid that I created it because I didn't feel any maternal instinct or "instant love" when he was born. It took almost four weeks..

When, one day, the love came, it's been endless ever since, but he has just always been the child that never wanted to cuddle or anything.
We have practised and rewarded looking at our eyes, touched as often as possible to get used to touching (pat the back or shoulders, head or quick hugs so he wont freak out), told him every night how much we care ... But he didn't really respond that much untill our second son was born. Now there was an instant love and the young one is a real mummy's boy, loves to cuddle (Almost the exact opposite as his brother). I don't know if it was jealousy or not, but now our oldest one also wants to be cuddled and hugged -not for long, but still..
At times I thought he had some autistic tendensies too, which made me a bit worried, but the health station has calmed down my worries.

I guess we'll just continue doing what we have been doing since there has been such positive progress, and if it wasn't for the fact that my youngest one was so very attached, I'ld feel like a complete failure as a mum.

Today I can hug him, he'll come and kiss me or hug me and says that he cares for me very much. But he still goes with anyone and never wants to go home with us if he has been somewhere else --Which could be the age as well -4 I am very glad though that he doesn't run away any more. That was not fun when it lasted..

On the other hand.. some kids just are like that. They are independent, happy and outgoing children that just happen to like being alone as well.

I don't know what it is with my boy. I'm sure those three first weeks have something to do with it, but no matter what, I'll keep working on those things that seem to be missing still so that I know I have done my best for our child.

[KarenInCa]

You've gotten some great advise so far. AngelKisses gave some great advise! Our daughter was 17 months old when we brought her home. She would not take a bottle in China, so we didn't push it, but as AngelKisses suggests, we also started bottle feeding her for naps and bedtime. It was a wonderful bonding experience. I sang to her while she was drinking from the bottle and rocking with me. I usually sang to her till she fell asleep, and it was very much routine and predictable for her. She drank half formula and half whole milk, and it continued till she was 21 months old for naps, and 27 months old for night time. I did not care if others thought she should be off the bottle. My reasoning was that she was without a mommy for the first part of her life, and a little spoiling would do no harm. It actually helped with her health and with her bonding to do it. If your daughter is already off the bottle, restart it for bed times she will probably love it.
I can also add what we were told before we got our daughter.
We were told to not let anyone else hold our daughter for the first six months. We were also told to always hold her with others around her, so that she only wants to be held by us.
If possible you should start doing this with her NOW, and continue for the next six months at least. I realize this might be tough, if not impossible, but it's worth trying. If she goes to daycare, then make sure that her daycare provider knows this too. Better that she has two women that she is "trained" to only be in the arms of, than any woman. Go out in crowds with her, so that she sees other woman, and do not stop holding her. Do not let the other women touch her, but let them talk to her, so that she sees you as the "safe place" to be. It might seem odd to both you and the other women, but if you explain it to them, they will understand.
Also, I'm not sure if anyone has mentioned this yet, but when you can, try to feed her instead of letting her feed herself. Also, let her feed you, it adds to the bonding experiences. Finger foods are always good, such as goldfish and raisins.
It's good that you're notincing it and trying to resolve it now.

[mkinzie]

I do feed her most of the time. I am also usually the only person holding her. At the beginning, no one else could come near her. She only wanted me. The going to other people has been a fairly recent occurance. I almost wonder if I did something to cause her to want other people.

As for any other symptoms of attachment, there is nothing. She loves to be cuddled and held. She has no problem looking me in the eyes, either. She gets mad but mostly is it when she is trying to do something and gets frustrated. When I show her what to do she's fine then. Nothing long or disturbing. She will face me and play with my eyes, nose, ears, etc., as she tries to name them. If I am sitting on the floor and she is playing, she will come over to sit on my lap and play. She follows me from room to room but is not overly fussy about me leaving a room. She just comes to find me and once she sees me she's fine.

I will be the only one holding her from now on but then again I always pretty much have been. My bfriend holds her occasionally and she loves her but I guess I'll tell her she can't anymore until she's more bonded to me. I'm going to be saying many, many, many prayers!

[angelkisses0102]

Norsk~
ANY child, including biological children can and do have *attachment issues*...for a variety of reasons. Preemies, sick babies, babies in constant pain, babies who are hospitalized, babies with moms who suffer from PPD, babies whose moms do not bond with them during pregnancy, and on and on. I am not saying that your child had issues, just saying that because a child is bio does not exempt them from suffering from attachment issues, struggles and disorders.

mkinzie~
All kids transition differently...some have what seems to be no issues and some have a whole boat load of issues (that describes my two adopted as infant children.) Most kids fall somewhere in between and that is normal. Don't freak out about daycare...just do the best you can and work with her on not going to strangers...which all parents have to do with all kids at some point anyway. She and you are off to a great start...attachment is a long drawn out process and it sounds like she is really doing well.

[Dan_C]

If it helps any,as to the scenario you described where your girl goes to a stranger and then cries and does not want to be taken back by you; this same situation was recently experienced by my wife with another mom and 18 month old by at day care. So I don't think it has alot to do with your daughter being adopted. I think it's more of the child being engaged by a new person, and also being a social baby. Even though it bothers you, and we can all understand the hurt of jealous feelings when your baby does not seem to want to come back to you, there is the good aspect that she is friendly and social. Alot of kids are terrified to be held by strangers, or just clam up. I think it's better that she is outgoing, especially since she has to go to daycare soon.