[Karen in MT]

Just wondering if anyone else feels this way. There have been numerous threads on being the parent of an adopted child of another race and getting various comments from people in regards to your child. I know that I will at times be sensitive to these and learn various ways to reply back to them, but I DON'T want to be too sensitive to these. I want to enjoy people around me like I always have. I feel that most people just don't understand and that is okay with me. I'd rather teach my child and myself how to cope than constantly feel frustrated by others and irritated. We can not always protect our children from pain in this life but teach them to love others and use methods and skills of coping. I'm feeling more irritated by the constant worry about this subject. I realize that we do set ourselves up for this when we adopt internationally. I'll take on the challenge with an open heart to anyone who talks to us even if it sometimes hurts us. I needed to vent! I hope that this is not flaming!
I better have another cup of coffee and stay off rumor queen. Just wondered if others feel like this?

[TaraL]

I was very sensitive to this stuff in the beginning and to an extent, I still am 2.5 years later. I will say however that I live in an area with not a lot of racial diversity. We try to incorporate it as much as possible though. I was very worried about the comments that I might here because, honestly, there are alot of rednecks here! I have experienced very little. Actually, no one was down right mean. Some asked questions that were inappropriate but I can say that 99% didnt' realize it and were doing it out of curiousity. The few that have asked inappropriate questions just to be nosey I have not always answered to kindly. I did this when Olivia was younger however because now she would pick up on my comments and I dont' want that.

Then I went through the educating stage. Well, I can't do that anymore either. I get tired of educating people who have nothing to do with adoption and who are never going to adopt.

I use to be bothered by the stares that we get but honestly it is more out of curiousity and those that have decided to approach us after the stares I found out were just so taken by my daughter's beauty and outgoing personality. When people would stare I would get very defensive until I realized how wrong I was. Now I chalk it up to what movie stars go through! LOL!

The sensitivity will lesson over time and you will grow a tougher skin. But you will also find out that the sensitivity, although it will always happen, was really unnecessary for the most part. I think it will recycle itself over again like when my daughter goes to school, etc. It will be new challenges that will renew old emotions but again we all learn from it.

You said it yourself. THe best thing we can do is prepare our children how to handle themselves when confronted with something or someone negative. And while we are teaching them we have to teach ourselves the same. In the end we all become stronger because of it.

[MissyAmomChina]

Hi,
I think like all things in parenting, this is about a major balancing act. I agree that the majority of the atttention and comments are "well intentioned." I agree that we don't want to fly off the handle at the drop of the hat. I agree that we want to teach our children to deal with difficult situations.

I also think that the balance is that even with the "best of intentions", there can be bigger, negative messages sent to our child. Recently an article made it's rounds on the China boards. It was written by an 8th grader who was adopted from Korea by caucasian parents. In that article, it was stated that a simple question of "Where's your daughter from?" consistently sent the message of "otherness" or "not belonging." That's a pretty powerful thought---because it's a question you will get asked a million times.

So, as my daughter gets older, the more I truly appreciate the people in the community who don't comment. The more we are recognized for simply what we are--a family- the better.

Take care,
Melissa

[KarenInCa]

I tend to just let it all roll off my back, and when someone wants to know more, I tell them. The people that I get offended by, or angry at, are the ones that catch me by surprise, and say something assuming that my daughter is not worthy of being here, or with us.
Quite honestly, most questions are sincere. I have had a lot of support and love from co-workers. And 99% of the people we encountered in China were kind. The people on the streets would come up to our daughter, and point to me saying, Mama, then point to my husband saying, Baba. They wanted our daughter to know that we were her parents, and wanted us to know that they, by reinforcing the words Mama and Baba, were blessing our choices to be her parents.
However, there have been a couple of incidences that threw me off balance.

The latest incident was at work. About 2 months ago, a co-worker got very personal. She stopped me in my tracks and (although our daughter has been home now for a year and a half), she found out that we are adopting again. She first started asking questions as if she were curious. She wanted to know why we were adopting from China. When I said that my husband has always been attracted to China, she responded with, "So, then your husband is Chinese?" She KNEW that he is not. Then she said, "So, you are part Chinese?" And it went down hill from there. She said, "with all the children here, you should not be going to China"
The gist of what she was saying, was unless we are Chinese American, we should stick to our own race, and our own country. The mama bear really came out in me. It only came to me afterwords, but she married an African man, and if I would have thought about it at the time, I would have just come back with, "Why did you marry a man outside of the states? With all the men here needing a wife......" But, alas I only thought about that AFTER our conversation. It's the same illogical logic.

The only other time that I was caught off guard, was actually in China. An older Chinese woman at the airport was dressed in official looking clothes and asked us about the adoption. She was very curious if we actually choose the child, or could return her if she was not pretty enough. When we told her that we plan to return to China to teach our daughter more about her native land, she said that our daughter will not be Chinese, so we will have no need to return for her sake. She then said that our daughter, once she leaves China, will be a "banana baby" Yellow on the outside and white on the inside. She said this with such disapproval in her voice. I got the feeling she would prefer our daughter stay in an orphanage than leave China. Our daughter was not a human being either way to this woman. Our daughter was a statistic to her, another woman for the sons of China to marry if she stayed, one less girl in China if she came to America.
I just stood there, in shock, staring at her. I didn't know if she was a government official or just an airport clerk by the way that she was dressed, so I didn't want to say anything in return to her comment. But she angered me. She displayed such hatred directed at my daughter. I can take it if it's questions, but when it's intended to judge my family choices or my daughter, I have a very defensive side that comes out in me, that frankly, I really did not even know existed.

With both of these incidences, I thought they were just curious. I think I gave them too much information, assuming that they supported us. It's important to know what the intent is of the person asking the questions, before laying it all out. That much, I've learned the hard way.

[Synesthesia]

Banana baby?
So if I raise a child from Asia would that child be a devil food's cake with buttercreme frosting?

It's so hard to deal with other people's ignorance, but what can a person do but ignore it. There have been times when I wanted to ask people with transracially adopted children questions, but I held off in fear of seeming rude and intrusive. I figure I can learn about the process on this site without bothering people who do not want to be bothered and who already have to endure stupid questions.

[Karen in MT]

Thanks for sharing the good thought provoking stories and comments. Melissa is so right about balance in parenting. There is a fine-line between just general comments, questions, staring, etc. and someone being very confronting on a subject that they probably don't understand and is personal. I hope to keep a balance and constant self-check on how I handle things, so I don't go into an adoption-rage! For me, it is important to teach our daughter that her identity is of a child of God first. Then family and all the rest. We will have our work cut out for us and a great deal of joy, too.
Can't wait to get started. LID 7-14-06!
-Karen

[mom3boys]

I haven't adopted yet, however, we frequently get questions as well. My husband is black and I am white and we have three little boys. When I am alone with the boys I frequently get questions about where they are from. The last time was on Friday when I was picking up my middle son from a summer program. I explained that my husband is black and she laughed at her mistake as her husband (before he passed away) was also black. I had met her daughter and had also assumed that she was adopted. I believe that it is normal to have questions like this when you encounter people and families that are different than the norm. I personally don't mind the questions a bit and I don't think that the boys have any issues with it as well. It isn't a secret that they look different than most other people in the area who are caucasian.
I realize that our situation is different than interracial adoption. I know that when our daughter comes home we will attract even more attention and we have to come to terms with that. People will be curious and there is nothing we can do to stop that. I think that we will need to teach our daughter to be proud of her heritage and expect that others will have questions. There's no getting around it and I am concerned that our daughter will see it in a negative light if she sees me getting upset about questions.

[copper653]

I find it interesting that we have been home for over two mths now and no one has asked us anything about the adoption portion of dd. Age, girl/boy questions yes, but nothing about where she is from, etc. Though there is a family who lives about five minutes away and gets asked who her dd's real mother is type of questions alot she said. If asked I think I would like to answer by saying that I am her real mother, but it might change on how it is asked/stated.

Our neighbor recently told my dh that he didn't need to worry about the yard work "that it is ingrained in them and that she will make the yard look nice." wtf ? Then my mom heard that dd was babbling more and asked if she had said any new words, and I said no not really. Then she asked if some of the things she was saying could be Chinese? Well, one how would I know, I don't know any Chinese and second she understands English commands very well and only hears English so imo I don't think any of it could be Chinese.

I am more bothered by my mother's comment than the neighbors. I don't know why, but it does even though the neighbors remark is more racist.

[mommytoEli]

Vent away.....

I took my Guatemalan baby somewhere, and someone commented on his black eyes....and how gorgeous they were, and someone said, something like, "yeah, those orientals sure have dark eyes." I wanted to be like, "first of all, my baby is not a rug, and second, he is not Asian, he's Guatemalan." BUT I feel like when people's comments are THIS lame, no amount of education would help the situation.

My family gets stared at alot. FOr lots of reasons..... we are definitely different. SOmetimes it bugs me, sometimes I like it, sometimes I don't care. It really just depends on what kind of mood I am in. lol! I've decided that no matter what I do, someone is offended. So whether I adopt from China, or GUatemala, the U.S> domestic, or foster, do IVF, or choose not to have kids, someone will think I am making the wrong decision and should do something else. So...at the end of the day...all I can do is what I think is best for my family, and not worry TOO MUCH about what others think.

[SofiasMom]

Sometimes I was sensitive to questions, comments, stares and sometimes I would just ignore it. But as time went by, I realized that the comments were bothering my daughter a lot. She also has the added differentness of using a walker (she has cerebral palsy). Children come up to her all the time and ask about the walker. She refuses to talk to them and doesn't like it when I explain. So now I say to them, "go ask your parents". I've found that I/we don't have to be the educator. Same with adults - if they want to know more about transracial adoptions, China, etc, they can go to the public library, internet.

[Sheba]

We have been home with Kennedy 18months. I have honestly heard it all before we left and after coming home. I did find out who really are your friends as two people no longer talk to my family. That is their loss and I am glad. I do not want anything to do with them. I get the typical why did you adopt?, why not from the US? and why when you had 3 bio children. Now we are adopting our 5th and final child and people freak out! But I just blow them off. I do think that most are just curious about our family and the dynamics of it. There are some who are just being rude and I handle them depending on my mood and what they say.Especially if my children are around. I did have two very bad instances that I will tell you about and hope none of you have this happen.

1. While I was at the Dr's office getting my blood test for the home study, the nurse came in and started to draw blood. She than asked me why I was having these test done because they were out of the norm. Well instead of me stating "none of your business" I said because we are adopting. She then proceeded to tell me how China should just hand that baby to me and be grateful I would take it. After picking my mouth up off the ground, I told her were are truly honored they are allowing us to adopt. Then she proceeded to go on about how lucky she was that she could have her own children and that she would never consider someone else's child. After a few minutes and the needles were out, I told her that first of all I have 3 bio children and we chose to adopt, 2nd of all how happy I was that she and her other half could procreate themselves and how lucky we were to have them passing along their believes to their children that will be part of such a mixed society! She did not even get it, but when I went back to the doctor's office I told them what happen. I explained that if I was someone who could not have any children, she would have devastated me and that she should not be allowed to talk. Never seen her again!

2. I was at Lowes with Kennedy a few months after coming home. A man started yelling in the parking lot. The woman next to me just looked at me and I looked at her. She was african american. Then we realized the man was getting closer to us and was actually yelling at me. Stating how dare I have that girl and bring her to the states! I could not believe it. The other woman told me to leave now and even helped me in the van and took my cart. He was till yelling when I left. I am not scared of people but he was dangerous.

I do find that most of the stupid things people say are to Woman and not men. My husband never gets things said to him! Why?

I just prepare all of my children for what can be said to them and the racism that any of them can face and hope it sinks in and they become adults knowing they are wonderful and nobody can make them feel bad if you do not let them!

[Dan_C]

One quick point, who here can say that either now, or before you got your child, were not also curious and wanted to ask about little asian kids especially with caucasian parents? In other words, we are just as curious, if not more so, the only difference is we know not to ask or to be very discreet. I mean as soon as I see little asian kids I want to stare and imagine if that is what my little girl might look like, etc.

Mabye I didn't say that right, but we all know people are curious including ourselves. You can't stop people form staring or asking questions. In fact if you act like it's pretty normal and don't make a big deal out of is (unless someone crosses the line) chances are the child won't be affected. That's the reality we chose when we made the decision to adopt a non caucasian. I personally can't wait to tell people about my daughter and share her heritage. For me it's something to be proud of, not hesitant to talk about. But at the same time I don't want her looked at like a oddity or "china doll" so I guess it's a fine line you walk. Sorry for the ramble

[MissyAmomChina]

Hi Dan,

I understand what you are saying. When I was a waiting parent, I was practically an asian-baby stalker. Every Asian child I saw, I wondered if my child would look like him or her. Every family that I thought was formed through IA, I would want to ask many questions. Now as a parent with my child home, I want to help waiting parents. I'm happy to answer questions, share in their excitement etc. In fact, I think the online community is a perfect resource for this.

It's just as my child gets older, I realize she doesn't want to be a walking advertisement for IA (yet, at some level our decision to adopt does create that). Of course we want her to feel proud of her heritage and her history. We actively do many things to promote this. Adoption, the Chinese culture, our family, our daughter, her history, are all something very dear to us. Yet, the real key is that this is "her" story. And what I see emerging in my child is that she pretty much wants to play on the playground, swim at the swimming pool, pick out lunch box items in the grocery etc without discussing her history with strangers. So now I ask her "Do you want mommy to answer these questions? and she answers "No" every time. So I find for me that balance really is about having my daughter be proud of adoption, China and her history *as well as* letting her know she can establish boundaries.

So, I'd encourage all waiting parents to know that to some children, these questions and attention aren't comfortable. Some children are probably just fine with it too. Your own child will probalby respond to the attention in their own unique way. We are one of the families who are friendly and approachable, but we respect our daughter's desire to share her story with whom she chooses.

[Synesthesia]

I find myself doing the same thing, thinking, "How cool it is that they've adopted! Adoption is so wonderful in most cases." And thinking about my future son and what it will be like for him.
I'm dreading the whole going out in public having to endure stares and questions aspect. It's not that I can't handle it, I just hate being the center of attention. I want to learn how to glare.

[SofiasMom]

Dan,

I think it's very normal to look at a family that might reflect your future one and be curious and want to chat. However that family might have answered the same questions, shared their story over and over. The best thing might be to go to an FCC event. Then you know you'll met people who are excited about your adoption and would like to share their story.