[smbcpc]

I recall reading posts of families mentioning that their baby will not let them leave their side for a while after coming back from China. Unfortunately, I am in the same boat now for the past 3 weeks and it is extremely difficult.

Shayna will not let me take 2 steps away from her to get a diaper or if she is sitting in her playpen playing and sees me walking by, she'll start screaming for me to pick her up.

My question is: how did everyone handle this? What did you do to change this situation and how long did it take to get better?

Thanks!

[angelkisses0102]

Sounds like anxious insecure attachment. A4everFamily.org - HOME is a wonderful resource and www.attach-china is as well! I will post some articles from home later as well. I strongly recommend reading the entire 4everfamilysite...a wealth of information.

So much depends on the child as to how long it takes. My DS was 8 months old and it took 6 months of living hell to make any progress...11 months before he would willingly go to his daddy and 30 months for me to say he truly began to display only signs of secure attachment. But he was on teh more severe end of anxious attachment.

The book list for parents at the above site A4everFamily.org - Books for Parents is excellent.

Attachment parenting and the book Holding Time worked wonders in our case. I would invest in a sling or comfortable carrier and wear her constantly. Co-sleeping, co-bathing, being the ONLY caretaker...feeding, bottling, diapering, bathing, comforting all done by you. Keep her world very small and cocoon whenever possible. Keep the stimulus at home to a minmum as well...no TV, not a lot of toys in her room...very, very simple. Treat her as if she is a 3 week old newborn...because that is where you two are. Respond to every single cry...you can not spoil her.

Hang in...it is hard but doing teh hard work now will save both of you so much hard work and heartache in the long run. I know there is a yahoo group specifically for parents of children adopted from China who are suffering with attachment struggles. You will find grat ideas but more importantly support from those who have been there and done that before you.

[elemomma]

We went through this too. I kept Eleenah glued to me. I put her in a sling most of the day. I became really good at going potty with Elee in my lap. I did get a break at night though, I put her in her own bed. We went through this for about 2 months, then she started venturing out away from me on her own. Now, I crave for her to be a snuggly like she used to be. We still snuggle, but not like we used to.

Things will get better! I know that's hard to hear when you are in it, but it does get easier. Help her feel secure, then life will be better!

[Lissa]

Lydia was very much the barnacle baby. She is still a child who craves physical contact, but at least now it's not desperate and unrelenting. I spent pretty much the entire first 6 months of our lives together on the floor smothered in baby. It's hard. I cried a lot. But...it gets better. I did a lot of singing, lots of massage, lots of physical work and it helped her progress and created a lot of strong bonding. If your baby will take a carrier, use it. I just got a really strong left arm as Lydia went into hysterics whenever we put her into a carrier. IT WILL GET BETTER! ANd whenever you need support, we are here. Remember to take care of your baby...but also remember to take care of you (something I forgot to do a lot and many people don't even consider). Whenever you can take a hot bath or get a pedicure or something you enjoy. Let hubby help. You need to make sure you get some you time, even if you have to steal it. Being fresh for your child is good for your child.

[ttcasey]

I hope that we can successfully pull off the attachment issues when we return from China. I am going to have her crib in our bedroom to start with, then she will move into a room where my 16 year old sleeps, I think this will help. Eventually my 16 year old will move into her own room, but we all feel that having her in the room will help her build her comfort level. Hope this works! If not, we will deal with it.

[KarenInCa]

If you think about it, it's like everything else in a person's life. If you don't go thru a normal stage when you're supposed to, you keep needing to, till you do. Most of our children did not get to experience the normal occurance of being an infant/baby. Even tho it might be overwhelming for you now, it's definitely healthy for your child to be able to experience life this way with you.
You've gotten some great advise so far. Our daughter's been home for a year and 3 months now, and she still has her bouts of being clingy, but if you let her be that way now, it does subside.

[stephdpenn]

It is very difficult to handle, I know. We will have been home for one year in Sept and there still are days when my dd returns to "velcro baby". There is nothing I can do but carry her around all day long.
I agree with others, respond when she cries. Never ignore her need to be held by you and see you at all times. She is still trying to trust you and when she can not see you, in her mind you may never return.

It will get better with time.

[thundrrds]

It can, as others have written, take many months for our children to feel secure. Their lives have been turned upside down so many times and they are soooooo vulnerable when we bring them to their new homes (our homes).
I'd get a comfy sling and wear her as long as she needs me to. For you as the parent you have a little more mobility than carrying your daughter all the time. She needs you to always respond to her cries and to pick her up and hold her. No matter how tired you are; she needs that response from you. Get other people to help with other stuff around the house; but holding your duaghter is for you and your husband.
As Karen wrote our children go thru different development stages and we have to adjust our parenting to thier needs.
It does get better as others have said. It's just hard to think it'll get better when you're so tired.

Joanne

[smbcpc]

Thank you all for your feedback and suggestions. It's still an adjustment period and hopefully soon it will start getting easier.
One thing I can't do is carry her in a carrier since I have a bad back. I have already been having a lot of back pain since we returned just from picking her up a lot. We have a small place so I can always be near her. However, I do need to find time to work out to relieve the stress and work on strengthening my back. As long as DH is at home with us, I can do that.

[joyfulme3x]

I hope things will be easier soon. I honestly think that in the early months this is a natural and very healthy instinct our adopted kids have--to cling to us 24/7 both to promote bonding and to develop security in their little minds and hearts.

I had to chuckle when you mentioned working out because it brought back memories of my first months home with my velcro girl (adopted at 12 months). For the first 4-5 months she would not be put down AT ALL without panicking unless I was sitting right there. I have 2 older kids too so it was rough. I don't really like baby slings/carriers so I just learned to do everything with one hand. Like you I needed to work out for stress relief and muscle strengthening. I did crunches with baby sitting on my stomach, went on my stairclimber (slowly) while holding the baby, went on long brisk walks (luckily she would sit pretty well in the stroller) and so on. It was funny but it worked!
Very gradually she became more secure. I did not force it or try to "wean her off my hip" as many well-intentioned but ignorant-of-adoption-issues people suggested. It just happened--it seemed like the more I held her and gave her the close unbroken contact she needed, the more secure she became. She has been home 1 year now and still has a few velcro days but I think is pretty typical of other kids her age.

The time and effort you spend just holding your baby are so worth it. It does get easier!

[mkinzie]

We've been home almost 3 months (YEAH!) and the clinging has dropped quite a bit! She wants to be near me or DH as much as possible which makes watching her a little easier b/c we always know where she is.


We couldn't do the playpen. She was way too clingy for that. We've only used it twice for overnight trips when she needed a place to sleep. She only slept with us in China. When she would get very clingy and start to cry when I couldn't pick her up I would lean down and give her a hug and tell her she was fine. At first it didn't help but it does now. Maybe it has to do with the fact that I think she understands what we're saying to her so much better now. I can give her simple instructions and she has no problem following now. I know I'm going to sound very silly here but those first few weeks home I don't think I thought about the language barrier once. I was just in survival mode at that point. Now she's trying to talk and chatters all day long. I love to hear it! She's 16 months old so hopefully she'll start using more words soon.

One thing that has improved in the last week is how she wakes up now. She used to wake up and look all around her to make sure everything was still there. She would then start to cry to be taken out of the crib. One day last week I heard chattering on the baby monitor! I almost fell over! She was playing with Tigger in her crib. She never cries when she wakes up now.

I'm sorry for rambling but I have to say that I'm amazed at the progress she's made in 3 months. I'm just so proud of her! I know I sound like I'm bragging but I was so frazzled and worn out when we first came home. All the other parents adopting in China were always so worried about her while we were there b/c she clung and refused DH the entire trip. She was by far the most challenging baby of the group. I started to feel terrible about myself and thought that I was a terrible mother even though I had read that this could occur. Reading it and living it are two entirely different things! I look at her sweet face now and think that I'm the luckiest mom in the world. It does get better and it keeps getting better everyday! Hang in there!

[SofiasMom]

Imagine being in your child's place. She's in a totally new setting, new language, food, faces, and has no idea how long it will last, etc. It's going to take time. There are attachment exercises you can do which might help her (see the websites posted above by AngelKisses).

[MissyAmomChina]

Hi,

We went through this exact phase as well. As mentioned earlier, it's probably "anxious" attachment. As other's have also commented, it's very common and understandable given what our children have been through.


All that said, it's pretty darn overwhelming even to the informed, new parent. I know that I was overwhelmed at meeting my daughter's needs and just getting the basics done. I imagine things got a little better each week, but I tended to notice the progress every three months or so.

On a practical level, here are a few things that helped.

1. I changed my expectations. Even though, I was home all day I didn't plan to get chores like laundry done. Household chores weren't done untill both parents were home so one could be with our daughter as the other did the housework.

2. To get my own bath, I brought the exersaucer into the bathroom with me and was never out of my daughter's site. You could easily do this with your playpen or a johny jump-up/door jumper thingy. Lol, this something I would have never, ever imagined doing pre-mommy days!

3. I established a very consistent nap schedule. This was something I didn't do a great job at for the first 6 months. However, once it got established, my dd's nap time was (still is) my valuable "me" time. Sometimes I'll do a few chores, but a lot of time I like to veg, watch some tv and get on the laptop.

4. Lastly, dinner was the hardest thing to figure out. Somehow my daughter figured out that I really couldn't divide my attention between cooking and her (even when my husband was with her) and she consistently melted down. Honestly, we ended up with a lot of take out and going out to restaurants. Crock pot meals were life savers. For our next adoption, I'm going to try one of those places where you assemble 6-12 frozen dinners in one hour.

Hope these things help. Also know that it does get easier. Slowly but surely you'll see progress. Please celebrate those victories here because we will all truly "get" it when you can say "Great news! I stood up to answer the phone and my daughter didn't have a melt down!" or "I was able to go the bathroom by myself today and my daughter didn't cry" etc.

[Lissa]

Amen for the crockpot! Another idea was I started making large casseroles I could freeze in aluminum containers and then we'd defrost and eat them for 2 days. I could make them on 3 on Sunday when Hubby was home and we'd eat out on Saturdays.

[Norsk]

I agree on letting her be clingy as long as she needs to. Do you play peek-a-boo? Or hide underneath blankets together nd alone? Or ordinary hide-and-go-see? This might help her understand that if you can't be seen one minute, you'll be there the next. It is very common with bio kids too to play games like these to help them realize that you'll come back if they don't see you all the time.