[smbcpc]

We have been back from China for almost a week and I have to admit that the transition has not been easy at all. Our little Shayna has been very crancky due to the time change, plus she is teething and in addition she received her first vaccines yesterday, which made her extra crancky. She has been crying a lot since we have been back, screaming for food when the three of us eat together and she cannot be left alone to play with her toys for 5 minutes as she needs one of us to be with her/hold her constantly.

We are not sleeping much and are exhausted but the main problem now is that although Shayna has bonded to my husband and I quite well, my husband is having difficulty bonding to her. He is a great guy and loves me very much and right now he is seeing Shayna partly as competition for the time that he doesn't have with me, at the same time he is trying to protect me from the heavy stress load, and he is having a hard time managing his stress level due to all the chaos that adoption has brought to our home. Even when she is sleeping, he is hypervigilant and can't fall asleep expecting her to start screaming at some point. He has been taking very good care of her and spends a lot of time with her, but he still doesn't see her as his daughter and does not feel the connection to her.

I am not sure how normal this is and if anyone else has been through it, and I wouldn't want to hear any bad comments about DH as a person since he is a kind and loving man. He is doing his best to adjust but it is very difficult for both of us, especially him. I would appreciate any feedback you can offer.

[Lissa]

Please don't worry. Bonding is a two way street. I have heard very loving parents (moms and dads) say I am faking it until I feel it but right now I just really don't like my child. They eventually felt it, he will eventually feel it. I've yet to meet a person who hasn't. Your life has changed. Your hubby is used to loving you, protecting you, supporting you. Now here is "the little stranger" who needs. She saps your energy. She makes you tired and is stressing you out. The natural instinct is for him to protect you from that. But he can't and that frustrates him.

It gets easier. I PROMISE it does. Our first month or so back was horrible. I cried a lot and never got enough rest. But you get through it and when you figure out your child and what works for her and for you it begins to flow...and the love...well it's hard to describe. I sit at my desk at work sometimes and just think about her and my eyes well up with tears I love her so much.

He will get that way too. It just takes time.

[elemomma]

Oh Sue, this can be very normal for a guy. I felt this same way about my husband when we had our first daughter. He helped me out, but I didn't feel like he really had an attachment to her. However, as my daughter got to be about 18 months old, and would look at him and say dada, he began to melt, and she became a daddy's girl. Then, I had a son, and the same thing happened. Until they really interact on a vocal level with him, he seems distant. Don't get me wrong, I know he loves them, but to me there seemed to be an indifference to them. When we adopted Eleenah, she definitely preferred me, and I could tell that he really didn't make much effort since he felt rejected by her. However, now at age 2, she yells dada's home, when he pulls in the driveway, and he would mow me over to get to her to respond to her excitement.

So, just give it some time. Bringing a child into the home is a big thing, and I think that with time things will change. In the meantime though, make sure you give your husband some special time. For us, I would put the kids to bed, and although it was to soon for a baby sitter, we would just go sit outside on the porch and talk like we used to. My husband needed to know he was still top dog.

[MissyAmomChina]

Hi,

I think what you all are going through is completely normal and many, many families find that initial transition much harder than they had ever imagined. (Even those of us who read up on issues, had realistic expectations , connect with other families etc).

Your daughter sounds a lot like mine when she first came home. Lilianna was interactive, made great eye contact, liked to be held by us, prefered Mom and Dad to others. All good things. She was also very anxious if we stood up and walked 3 feet away to pick up a ringing phone, couldn't be alone for a second, had a frantic cry if you walked into the bathroom etc. These are symptoms of anxious attachment--meaning she's way into you, but not so confident you aren't going to disappear etc.

So this is completely understandable that your and my daughter have/ had these traits. It's also amazingly difficult to deal with this even when you understand it logically. Honestly, I think those first months home/year home are therapeutic to our children---and it's a very challenging role--even for children who are having good transitions. I also think that the nature of international adoption sets up a tough situation. Meaning, our children are naturally in very very critical/needy states when we bring them home and it's every parent's desire to meet these needs. The tough part is that many of us are probably in one of our most depleted states. The stress of the wait, all the hoops we must jump through, the stress of more waiting, a big trip, traveling to another country, instantly being parents, jet lag, going through a major transition etc---all take a toll.

Please know that what you are going through is normal. It is a demanding time. Not all parents feel this magical, instant connection (both to bio and adopted children). That doesn't mean that the parent is bad or the relationship is doomed. The feelings will come and Lissa's right many "fake it till they feel it." Also know this---things will get easier. I call it "Finding your new normal." You will find that and it will feel as comfortable as the old normal. Lastly, go easy on yourselves. I know you are giving your daughter great care and some much needed TLC. Give yourself some too. It's ok to "re-define success." Many of my standards changed once my dd was hone
** I brought her in the bathroom with me --something I swore I never would
** some days we never made it out of pj's
**The house was much dirtier, the laundry pile was larger
**we ate way more take out or went out to restaurants


Hang in there---it gets easier!!!

[mkinzie]

I agree completely with all the posts above. Hang in there! It will get better. We've been home just over 2 months and the difference between then and now is amazing. DD was so clingy that I almost felt like your DH! I would go in the bathroom and just cry and cry and thought I was the worst parent in the world because I hated the clinging and felt like I wasn't bonding to her. It was difficult but each day becomes better and better. Just keep reassuring her (and yourself!) and the clinging will stop. The sleeping issue improved right along with the clinging.

I know it's hard at first! I wrote similar posts when we got home. I felt stressed and depleted and then guilty for feeling stressed and depleted because so many others were waiting to be in our shoes. She's come a long way since we've been home, though, so things are considerably better. DH & I were just talking about that last night. Just remember to do whatever you can to give yourself small breaks to help with your piece of mind. Tell DH to do it also. You've just made the biggest change of your life and I'm sure you almost feel shell-shocked! Just go easy on yourselves while you're transitioning, and remember "this too shall pass!"

[Karen in MT]

We don't have our daughter yet, but I wanted to thank you for having the courage to share how things are going. You are helping the rest of us prepare for what could be a future for us too. I and my husband are just plain expecting it to be hard in many ways. It is a huge adjustment for all of you. We know things will turn around for you. Take as good care of yourself as you can and that darling little girl. It will be okay. Better than okay! It really will. Keep on sharing. There is a huge wealth of support and information here.
Best thoughts and wishes. -Karen

[SofiasMom]

I think you need to give yourselves (husband and you) and your new baby some time to adjust; this change is overwhelming for all of you. Don't be so hard on yourselves or expect everything to be perfect. Try to enjoy each other as you get to know each other.

Deep breaths!

[smbcpc]

Thank you all so much for your words of encouragement. It really helps. I am more optimistic about the future than my DH who is really worried about not bonding to Shayna. But I have to admit that by watching them interact I can tell that they are starting to bond. He just won't admit it.

[lovemybulldog]

Sue,

I obviously have ZERO expertise to pass on, but I wanted to send you some hugs. My thoughts are with you both as you adjust and bond with your darling little girl.

I imagine that the 9 month process of a bio child somehow allows the dad to mentally prepare visually by watching the pregnancy in action. He can mentally wrap his brain around all the change. The adoption process doesn't really allow for that. It's much more a transaction for much of the process, and although he's aware of what's coming, maybe he really didn't know how it would feel until that time came. China seems like it's kind of a honeymoon period, but reality hits bigtime once home.

I'm speculating and generalizing, but this is what I imagine. I'm fully prepared for my husband to react like yours. He's like that with many things (including our dog). When we first got her, he couldn't really handle her crying at night and peeing on the carpet... now they are literally inseperable and he sometimes prefers her furry snoring lump next to him at night than me

I'm definitely not saying dogs and babies are the same, but I think what I'm trying to say is that he might just need more time to process everything that's going on (not to mention that he is trying to be your protector from burn out), but he's come around...and will be inseperable from his little princess.

Hang in there, Sue! She's worth it! (him too! )

[KarenInCa]

Actually, Ive been in three different scenarios; pregnency, raising step children in my house, and adoption. All with three different men..WOW I know...don't ask.
I really think it depends on the individuals. My adult son's father was afraid of parenthood, and he ran away during my 8th month pregnent, so letting 8-9 months prepare someone doesn't always work, sometimes it's harder on a relationship to be pregnent than bringing a child into the family ***BAM***. With my second relationship, the step children's father never really did get over his desires to be the kid. And he had a hard time sharing me with his own blood related kids. Finally, in this relationship, my adopted DD's father came to me and asked me to consider adoption, not the other way around, so he has never had issues about bonding. She was his from the beginning. In fact, he was the first one to bond with our daughter and I was the one that was a bit jealous of all the attention, while we were in China.

I can tell you though, that sleep deprivation does not help the situation. You really haven't stopped going since you got on the plane to go to China. And now with all the adjusting you guys are doing, I'm sure it all feels insane. Loss of sleep will add to the difficulties of finding your family space. Try incorporating him in your little play time with her.

Here are a few tips that I can share;

-DH had a cute little game that they played, while in China. He would clap her hands against his, and I joined them once, and it was a great way to continue our bond as mother, father, and child; and as a family. Try something like that with her, when she's demanding only your time. Get him involved in a fun way.

-Get out the video camera and take pictures/videos of him sharing time with her, LOTS of them, carry the camera close by and bring it out any time you are struck with instant cutenens between father and daughter...or just plain kid cute stuff. And watch them ASAP. Watching the videos will make him feel instant gratification about being with her. And quite honestly, watching them (especially when you adore what she just did, helps you to feel bonded with your child even more) I can't get enough of them, even if others are tired of them. :-)

-For several weeks after we came home from China, DH had fun running around a wet bar at home, with her 'chasing' after him, during the long nights of trying to keep her awake while she adjusted to USA time. I think that kind of nervous laughter of trying to catch each other helped to bond them too. It was fun for them and fun for me to watch, so I felt I was a part of it.

-Start family traditions. They can be very simple. I used to ask my daughter if she was going to get her 'socks on now' before I would take her on a stroller ride, and she would try to repeat the words but it came out 'Sockinow!!' So, one day, she was in his arms, and reached out to me, and we all hugged each other, and for some reason I yelled out SOCKINOW!! That actually has become our family cheer. Often now, a year later, we will all hug and kiss in a trio and then yell out .....SSSSOCKIIINNNOOOWWWW!!! in a huge united voice.

-Get a big ball and sit on the couch with DH, or on the ground, and roll it to her and have her roll it back.

-Get other toys that she can engage herself into while the two of you watch her. We had a lot of fun when we first came home, with a bubble machine, balloons, and a punching ball (thick balloon with a rubber band attached to it.....they were popular when I was a kid, and for some reason not so much any more) Cady had a blast with that, trying to make it bounce off her hand after DH or I would first do it. Get a plastic piano that she can play. Our first blog (linked to our newest one) shows videos of our daughter entertaining herself with one of those on a YouTube video, and in return, entertaining us as we watched her together.

-I'm not a big fan of TV for kids, but we do let her watch Backyardagains, Little Einsteins, Mickey Mouse Club. They're all entertaining and help with language development and also will quiet her down, if your DH can sit thru any of them, she can learn to cuddle with him snuggled with her favorite blankie close by, or perhaps while he's giving her a bottle, or sharing a snack with her. He might not want to do it, but encourage it as the opportunity permits.

-Try a family experiment with media that she probably has never been exposed to yet. Get some large paper and some large (washable) crayons and facilitate her with keeping the crayons in a row for her, and moving them over as need be. Do this together, so you can both oohhh and ahhhh over her wonderment.

-When he goes back to work, if he hasn't already, and if you are able to stay home for a few more weeks than him, take her to visit him at his lunch hour, let him show her off to his coleagues with her dressed up in cutesy clothes. The coleagues will be dazzled by 'daddy's girl' and that will give him a few extra strokes about his part in her life, and he will also appreciate that you are going out of your way to do this for HIM.

What I've come to realize is that there's Mommy bonding, Daddy bonding, and Family bonding. It's easy to forget about the family bonding when we work so hard at individual bonding. But if you work more on the family bonding, incorporating all three of you into easy or fun games as some of the tips above, the individual bonding comes much easier, or at least seemingly more meaningfully.

[sak9645]

1. Although you may feel that your daughter has bonded well to both of you, the truth is that most newly adopted children don't have the emotional strength to bond to two parents at the same time. Most children bond to one parent strongly first, and then become closer to the other parent over time. The parent to whom most children bond first is the mother, although there are exceptions.

I suspect that your husband is picking up signals that your daughter is still a little wary of him, and not so sure that he "really" is a parent. This wouldn't be surprising at all, especially since there are usually few men in SWIs, and there could be a bit of fear mixed in.

It is very hard to bond to a child if the child isn't bonded to you. Those signals your husband may be reading may be off-putting to him. He may be thinking, subconsciously, "If she doesn't want me, then I don't like her." It's actually a pretty common emotional response from the less preferred parent. It's also protective. He is protecting himself from being hurt in case his daughter "never" bonds to him.

The usual cures for the problem are:

a) Time. It may take a month or two or even more after homecoming for your daughter to feel unconditional love for both of you. You've been home for only a week, which is not even enough time to get fully over jet lag, and you met her about two weeks ago in China, where you lived in "artificial" circumstances.

b) "Going through the motions". Your husband is simply going to have to go through the motions until a mutual bond develops. I have no doubt that it WILL develop, but not necessarily this soon after adoption. Once your daughter feels more comfortable, I'll bet your husband will, too.

c) "Courtship". As part of "going through the motions", your husband will have to do as much as possible to win her attention and trust. Pick tasks that your husband can consistently do for your child, such as giving her a bath (unless she hates baths), or reading her a bedtime story, or feeding her a favorite food; just make sure the associations are pleasant for your child. Play some of the games mentioned above as a family, but reserve some of them exclusively for Daddy and daughter. The sooner your daughter begins to show a preference for your husband in some activities, the sooner he will bond with her.

2. Remember that sleep deprivation can cause emotional problems. While both of you need some sleep, it sounds as if your husband is having a lot of trouble because he is still jet lagged from the trip and sleepy because your daughter is still jet lagged and scared. sleepy. His lack of sleep may be triggering symptoms that mimic depression, anxiety, and other problems. Sleep deprivation can also cause a flattening out of emotional responses.

See what you can do to help him. As an example, if you are not co-sleeping with your child, try it. If that isn't acceptable to any of you, maybe you can try sleeping in your daughter's room for several nights. Don't let your husband feel that you are running away from him. Make sure he understands that you are trying to let him get some sleep, and that later on, maybe he can help you by doing the same thing.

3. Make sure your husband knows that you still love him. Your husband is used to being the "love of your life." All of a sudden, there is a new little person in the house who is taking a lot of your time, energy, and affection. Even some pretty mature guys fall apart when a new baby arrives, whether by birth or by adoption, because they aren't used to sharing their wife's love with anyone. It's hard to feel like "second fiddle", and that can trigger a subconscious reaction against the cause of that situation -- your child.

See what you can do to make sure your marriage stays loving. While I'm all for having parents do all the caregiving, you MAY have to take drastic measures, like having Grandma and Grandpa stay with your child one evening while you and your husband go out on a date. You've been through a lot of stress during the preadoption period and the travel, so take some time off to enjoy being a couple, even if it's just a few hours at a nice dinner and a movie.

4. Remember that nearly all new parents feel like "the babysitter" for a while. You have lived happily as a couple for some time. Now, all of a sudden, you are parents. Even though you went through the whole adoption process, signed all the papers, went to China, etc., it's natural to feel somewhat weird, having a baby around the house suddenly. It's normal to feel, subconsciously, like, "I'm the babysitter. I'm going to wake up tomorrow and she'll be gone." So lots of parents don't let themselves bond, because they aren't yet sure that the baby is really theirs.

5. Recognize that, when it comes to adoption, even men can have post-"partum" depression. My hunch is that, within a month or two, your husband will begin feeling attached to your child. However, if his current behaviors and feelings exist, perhaps you should both go to see a therapist. A lot of people are on a "high" during the adoption process; there's always something to do, papers to fill out, deadlines to meet, online rumors to read, waiting parent events to attend. But then they complete the adoption and there's this sudden sense of letdown, as in "What? Is this all there is? A baby screaming at 3 a.m.?" If there is P.A.D. (post-adoption depression), a little medication and talk therapy may help your husband, and you may learn some techniques to help you both through this rough period.

I hope this helps.

Sharon

[KarenInCa]

I forgot about the co-sleeping. Thanks Sharon.
Our daughter's crib was at the foot of our bed. Some people have the crib at the side of the bed, with the side open, but that was too close for us, because she sleeps in every direction. But sleeping with her in the same room as us did add to the family bonding, I think, because their needs are quickly taken care of by either parent.
Her crib was in our bedroom from 17 months (when we brought her home) till 23 months. Her sister will also sleep in our bedroom at first too.

[smbcpc]

Thanks again for all the great feedback. And thank you, Karen and Sharon for offering your helpful advice and suggestions. We can use all the help we can get right now.

DH is obviously very overwhelmed by the new person in our lives that depends on us and needs us every waking minute. It is harder on him than on me but when she is not crying or screaming (which is a little too often right now), she has such a beautiful smile that it is simply difficult for him to resist her. She is amazing. Also, whenever one of us walks into the room, she gets so excited and starts giggling loudly and kicking with her little legs.

I know it's a matter of time and a little more sleep would be wonderful too.
Thanks again. I feel fortunate to be part of this forum.

[ElectricGypsy]

Sleep deprivation probably is the main factor in what your husband is showing. I have to be honest, I myself was feeling so sleep deprived at the beginning that although you love your little one with all your heart, you don't necessarily LIKE them at the moment when they are waking you up constantly.
Although it may seem like it's never going to change right now, there is light at the end of the tunnel. She will start to get used to things that have changed in her life as will you guys. Once she gets more adjusted and starts to sleep more, you guys will feel alot better with the extra sleep that you will start to get.

[Sheba]

This is normal. Our daughter was 10mths and very clingy. She still can be and we have been home for 18mths. She bonded with me the most and kind of left daddy out to dry. I was the main care giver at night while he worked and I was there when she creid all the time or was in pain. That did not help at all but I made sure I dropped her off and daycare and he picked her up. This gave them time to bond as a daughter and father and it gave her time with him and her siblings to see how daddy truly was. We really have come along way in 18mths and she is now great! She still will prefer Mom over dad at times but that is a normal kid thing. My one daughter prefers daddy over Mommy and the other one Me over him. They all are bonded but just have their little things that make them feel safe.
I was so sleep deprived for 14mths, I wanted to cry and did sometimes. I could not go to the bathroom or take a shower without her sitting right next to me. It is much better now and she just needed to learn we were there for her and always would be. Who knows what she remembers about being left alone in the dark but I know I want her to feel safe.

It gets better over time. You guys will be fine and your husband will bond without any problems.

HUGS!