[jenmart]

Hello! My husband and I have 2 boys and are in the process of adopting a little girl from Thailand. I realize this is the China forum, but this question is towards international adoption/asian adoption in general.
We were only planning on adopting one child, but I have heard a few people tell me that we "should" adopt another asian child so she has a sibling that "looks" like her. I guess I never really thought about it. I wonder if we should think of adopting another asian child in the future or if she will adjust well being in our family?? I feel so torn! But, I always dreamed of having 2 little boys and one little girl being the youngest!

[lovemybulldog]

I think it will be good for those who have bio and adopted children to chime in. I'm actually interested to hear the answers too. I asked a similar question to a coworker of mine who is an adult adoptee from Korea. He said that, although he had two american born siblings, he never felt different. In fact, he often forgot about his physical differences until he actually looked in a mirror, and even then it was with sadness or longing for a "common sibling". He just always felt one of the bunch and never felt the need to share his adoption experience with someone else.

As an adult, he is a huge advocate for international adoption and was the first to come give me a big hug as soon as I announced Ian's referral.

We don't want an only child simply for the fact that we don't want an only child, having nothing to do with skin tone or birth culture. Everyone has their own reasons on both sides of the coin.

[KarenInCa]

The fact that she will feel a commonality with a sibling was our decision breaker.
There are a lot of points to consider. Mainly, when we die, it was extremely important to me (mostly) that our first daughter does not feel 'abandoned' ever again. Although she already has an older brother, he is not adopted, and he did not live any part of his life in an SWI, and he is not 'different' than us. I think all of those factors play a part in her feeling isolated if we die, no matter how close she gets to the rest of our extended families, they will never know really, what it's like to walk in her shoes, and to experience life being different from the rest of her family.
Not only are we adopting again from an Asian country, we are adopting from China again, and hope to receive a referral from the same region as she was born. We want as much similarity as we can get for our daughters. For us though, it was not about looking the same. It was about sharing the same backgrounds and feeling connected in ways that others might not understand.

[Lissa]

I think the best person to answer this question is an adoptee, but I will share my thoughts. All children are different, all children are going to respond differently to their circumstances. (If I was raising the beautiful Cady for instance I would react differently than I do with my own beauty Lydia.)

Right now with Lydia I am comfortable with her being an only child. She thrives on our attention and shows no interest in a sibling. We have discussed a second. We could have fought to meet the China deadline (I am overweight and diabetic--no more China for me.) but we didn't. We chose to wait. Lydia's future sibling (if there ever is a future sibling) will likely either be Vietnamese or Ethiopian. But honestly, I think she will be an only. She has a good personality for an only. She is confident, she is compassionate and she is strong willed. She has 12 "cousins" from her SWI who we keep in contact with on a regular basis and we have our friends at the FCC. She has support and commonality with these individuals.

[oleson1]

My husband and I have discussed this, too. We are in the same boat as you -- we have 2 bio boys and then we adopted Jasmine.

Honestly, for a lot of reasons -- some financial, some emotional -- I feel that my family is now complete. Jasmine did that for us. We have discussed the idea of another so that she has a sister that looks like her, but don't believe she needs that. She is the queen of the castle and has bonded extremely well with her brothers. We have made an effort to keep in contact with members of our travel group and she has play dates with other Asian children (one is a girl adopted from the same province...).

Years from now, this may be one of those parenting decisions that was wrong. I guess what I'm saying is you love your child with all of your heart, and do the best you can with the information you have available...

[Mailbox13]

My DS was adopted from Russia and my DD was adopted from China. One is obviously caucasion while the other is obviously Chinese. We will most likely not adopt a third child due to finances. Also, I just don't have much interest in a third child.

There are many families that have three children who are of mixed sex. Does the odd sex feel different because he or she does not have a sibling of the same sex?

I don't think it there is a "should" answer to this question. You just do what feels right for your family. This is similar to the discussion that people have about only children. I know a number of people with four kids. I know a number of people with one. Each situation raises its own challenges. The same is true with adopting internationally.

[Sheba]

Hi,

We have both bio and adopted children. When we decided to adopt Kennedy we already had a son 11 and two daughter 4 & 3. Kennedy was going to be our last child and she has been wonderful! While in China and while signing her paperwork my husband said we would be back one more time. I almost fell out of my chair because he was so strict on Kennedy being it! Well he fell in love with her and now we are lid for Kelsi Rose which will be our last child. I feel it will be wonderful for Kennedy to have a sister that looks some what like her but I know families who have both bio children and one adopted child and the adopted child has no issues. Kennedy is doing wonderful and she does not even notice that she looks different than her siblings. She is tanner and more petite. If you point to a picture of a family and the family does not have a blonde Mom she will say not my Mommy and point to a blonde person.

I cannot answer how she will feel in 10 years but right now she is fine and so are the older children we have met without asian siblings. This is your personal choice if you want to adopt again but do it because you want another child and not to just give her someone who looks like her. We wanted both! Just my two cents.

[MissyAmomChina]

Hi,

This is a very personal, family decision. I honestly don't think there is any "formula" or "recipe" for raising healthy, happy children. Our daughter is from China. I've read a lot on this topic as we spent about 1 year figuring out if we wanted to adopt again. To sum up what I've learned in my research, many adult international adoptees felt having another sibling who was adopted and was also non-white was extremely beneficial. Of course that doesn't mean that all international adoptees feel this way--or that an international adoptee can't be happy unless they have another international adopted family member.

We have opted to adopt again and we also no longer would make China's new regulations. We are adopting from Taiwan. While it's a different country, the population in Taiwan is ethnically Chinese and our children will share very similiar heritages.

I do want to share that while we feel our children will greatly benefit from having eachother, it was not a major reason to adopt again.

[Trace7]

I agree with Lissa - all children are different, and yes - will have different responses to their circumstances. We also think our child (not here yet - but coming coon from China!) will be the only child we adopt. If we do adopt again - and that is a big IF due to finances and not being sure how one child will change everything yet - let alone more than one - we would probably look at Thailand (that program fascinates me - and I have been to Thailand so I feel a connection there) or Taiwan or Vietnam. We would definitely want another Asian child if we adopt again.

We do already have an Asian connection in our family as it is. My brother's wife is Japanese and they have two daughters who are half-Japanese (2 years old, and one born just last week) who will be close in age to our child (not sure when our child was born yet, though - LOL!) and although they currently live in Hong Kong, we will plan to see all of them at least once every 1-2 years either here, or in Hong Kong.

So whether we adopt again or not - our child will have cousins close to her age (I also have a nephew in town who is 3) and a couple of those cousins will look similar to her - and one will not. It's a beautiful cultural mix, and I can't wait for our baby to join our family!

[jenmart]

Thank you everyone for taking the time to reply! My husband keeps saying "Lets get her home first, then later we will decide!"
But, Im already thinking about it. Someone had mentioned that their daughter completed their family. This is how I feel with our little one who hasnt come home yet. She is 4 yrs old, our boys are 5 and 7 yrs old. I feel like our family will be complete! Then 4 kids to me just sounds like SO many I grew up with 4 children and I know how hectic it can be. I guess I have to think of what I can "handle" and how much time needs to be devoted to each child. I would have to wait a few years anyway since we would only adopt another older child 4+, and our little girl is only 4 now! So, I have time to think about it, but it seems so many families I see with asian children, always have more than one?
My niece is half Korean, my nephew is half Phillipinno, and my sister in law is Japanese. SO, she will have asian aunts and cousins. But, I know that isnt the same. I almost wonder if it would be OK when she gets a little older to actually "ask" her how she feels..if she would want another sister. We had even thought of adopting a little girl from Ethiopia so then I worry about that!
Im sure I will have a better idea after having her home for a couple of years! Thank you again!!

[Karen in MT]

We are "waiting to get her home." Even though we could probably adopt another while waiting. We just can't seem to do this out-of-order. We believe this is our first and we will wait it out. Then we will see.
Karen LID 7-14-06

[KarenInCa]

Originally Posted by Sheba

While in China and while signing her paperwork my husband said we would be back one more time. I almost fell out of my chair because he was so strict on Kennedy being it!

hehe....This is so familiar. It was originally DHs idea to adopt a child from China, but he was set on only one child. I was the one that would want a second child at home again (already having adult children). When we were on the plane to come home, he turned to me and said, "So, when are we coming back for her sister?"

[jasonsmom]

Jessica is the only child we will adopt. We have a bio son and we feel that our family is complete. I think everyone has to do what's right for their family. Two kids is what is right for us both emotionally and financially.

Paula

[cindymms]

We had 3 bio boys and said from the get go we would adopt two.

Our first girl was adopted from China last summer and we just got our PA for our second China born daughter on monday.

Each family has their own reasons for how many.

Cindy

[jenmart]

Thank you for the advice. I havent even got our little girl home yet so I think Im putting a little too much unwanted pressure on myself right now. When she comes home, I will have (2) 5 yr olds and a 7 yr old, so I dont think Im in the right mindset to be thinking about another one already..I tihnk this is why 4 children sounds like so many right now. But, like my husband says, never rule it out. We do not want to adopt an infant or toddler so this is why we have some time. In order for us to have more of an age gap between the children, we would need to wait a few more years! Im sure once my kids are older, I will want another little 4/5 yr old again!!!
Thanks again!! It has been very interesting reading everyones thoughts!
My social worker says it all depends on the child. Some may not think twice about it, while another may dwell on it. So, it will be interesting to see how she handles it emotionally as she gets a bit older. I will be able to really talk to her about it when she is old enough and if we do consider adding a 4th child.