[Lissa]

We plan to light a candle and to "send" her a photo and note. We spent the morning of mother's day last year honoring Mommy-far and the rest of the day doing Mommy-near activities. What are your plans?

[kff]

I'm not sure, is it healthy to confuse a young child?

[Lissa]

I don't see it as confusing. Lydia did well with it last year. She knows she has two mommies. Me and her faraway mommy.

[sakelley]

I don't see it as confusing either. We talk to our daughter about her 3 mommies - first mommy, foster mommy, and her now mommy - quite a bit. I think we are planting a bush for each one of us. We asked Ashlei if she wanted to and she said "yes, pink ones".

[KarenInCa]

Lissa, although I completely admire your willingness to incorporate Lydia's b-mohter, I'm not so bold as to do that on Mother's Day.
Mother's Day (for me) is to celebrate the woman that raises, heals, loves, nurtures, disciplines, and spends every day carring for the child; regardless of being a step-mother, birth mother or adoptive mother. But if the person does not take part in those things, the celebration is more about giving birth (which is also obviously important, but not what I consider the definition of "mommy")
For me, acknowledging the birth mother is an activity that is more appropriate for Autumn Moon celebrations.
But I DO admire your committment.

[specialk4b]

Birthmother's Day is the day before Mother's Day. I think that's a neat way of honoring her with a day of her own. Birthmother's Day - Birth, Birthmother, Birthmothers, Ceremonies, Ceremony, Child, Day, Experience,.

I think Autumn Moon Festival is also a perfect time for remembering a far away mommy.

I know will spend a few moments in remembrance of the woman who gave me my life's breath, and hope to continue that tradition with my own child in the future.

[pgruodis]

Originally Posted by Lissa

We plan to light a candle and to "send" her a photo and note. We spent the morning of mother's day last year honoring Mommy-far and the rest of the day doing Mommy-near activities. What are your plans?

May I ask Why you would want to do that? ...and on that day?
Seems like your goals could be achieved in much more subtle ways, and not on "your day". I agree with KarenInCa that that is the day to "celebrate the woman that raises, heals, loves, nurtures, disciplines, and spends every day caring for the child"
Do you plan to do the same on Father's Day?

[Lissa]

Yes we did do similar on Father's Day last year and will again this year. I honor Lydia's faraway mother because she is also Lydia's mother. I'm not saying this is something everyone should do. I am asking IF anyone is doing anything and if so what. I am not trying to challenge or threaten. This is what my family feels in our heart is the right thing to do. You may not feel that same and I respect that. Karen reserves another day for this event. The saturday before Mother's Day is Birthmother's day. Other's will not celebrate the faraway mother of their child and other's (like me) will celebrate on Mother's day in some fashion. There are many options. None are inherantly better than the other. None are wrong. My question is what do you plan to do?

[pgruodis]

Lisa, I was just trying to figure out your motivation for it.
Of course everyone can choose how they want to (or not want to) incorporate the birth mother.
As someone who works with children, and understands their cognitive development, I think parents should keep forefront their goals for celebrations.
We are still in the "process" of adopting...but I think I personally would wait for my child to show a desire to acknowledge her birth mother in a *formal* way.
When you write your "notes"...how do you make sure that the note is an expression of her feelings and not yours or what you think she feels? I'm asking this because in the picture your daughter looks very young and would need your heavy input to complete this endeavor.
I am still thinking through these issues, so please don't take my probing questions as a criticism, because they are issues I am trying to navigate myself.

[meldorsey]

Hi, Lissa! I'm glad you posted this- I have been looking for ideas to honor my daughter's birthmother this Mother's Day. She is 28 months old and I'm not sure what to do.

Last year, we didn't do anything for her birthmother - not that I wasn't thinking of her, I just didn't know what to do. During our pre-adoptive training this fall for dd#2, we saw a very powerful video of adult adoptees. One really struck me as she said she never knew it was OK to talk about her birthparents. After watching that and doing a lot of reading, I am doing what I can to incorporate my daughter's birthparents into our family celebrations. I agree wholeheartedly with you that every family has to do what they are comfortable with and there is no right or wrong; we are comfortable with this. Anyway, the only thing I can come up with is to plant a tree or some pereinniels - something that will always be there. Any other ideas?

Melanie

[sakelley]

Lissa - I agree with you and what you are doing. As I put in my post earlier, we are also planning on doing something for our daughter's first mom, foster mom, and of course me on Mother's Day. To us, no matter what, her first mother is still her mom. She was the one who gave birth to her and raised her for the first 11 days of her life. Part of who my daughter is and what she looks like comes from her. If circumstances were different in China, her mom might have chosen to raise her instead of abandoning her. We refuse to take away the title "mom/mommy" from her because of whatever pressure might have been put on her to abandon her child. We will also celebrate her foster mom because she raised her for almost 1 year. These are still 2 very important people in her life and yes, we do refer to both of them as her mom also.

We will also do something similar on Father's Day because she also has 3 dads - her first dad, her foster dad, and her now daddy.

[oleson1]

We won't -- not out of disrespect for Jasmine's birthmom. I have 2 bio children and if I spend a lot of time focusing on Jasmine's birthmom, then I separate my children on that day and I don't want to do that. Mother's Day and Father's Day are kind of "Family Celebration" days for us.

We do discuss Jasmine's birthmom within our family throughout the year (even at her young age) and how thankful we are for her.

[Lissa]

Originally Posted by pgruodis

When you write your "notes"...how do you make sure that the note is an expression of her feelings and not yours or what you think she feels? I'm asking this because in the picture your daughter looks very young and would need your heavy input to complete this endeavor.
I am still thinking through these issues, so please don't take my probing questions as a criticism, because they are issues I am trying to navigate myself.

I also work with very young children and part of the reason I decided to begin acknowledging her faraway mom now was due to my understanding of children's development. I acknowledge her mom now so that as Lydia grows, it is natural thing.
As for the notes I do not write about Lydia's feelings. I do not know about her feelings and would never presume. I will not make Lydia write a note EVER. If she chooses to, she may. She may write or call or do whatever she likes as she grows. (I have a friend who adopted domestically when all adoptions were closed who had a special toy phone for her daughter so she could call her first mom whenever she wanted and could say whatever she needed to say. Her child is now 23 and very well adjusted.) The notes I write are from me. They are personal, so I will not share what they say...but the gist is, I thank her and hope she is well. I tell her she is honored and remembered.

What I want Lydia to see is...a respect for a woman and a country that are a part of her. I do not want her to be ashamed of her past. I want her to embrace it and I believe her seeing our true and honest respect for her faraway parents and for China will help her accept and honor herself. To hate her first mom...to hate China (in my opinion) would be destructive to Lydia's self-esteem. I want her to feel proud about who she is...and her race, her country of origin, and her faraway mom which is as much a part of her as her upbringing, being a citizen of the U.S and being the daughter of a theatre director/teacher and an electrician.
Mother's Day is not about me. Mother's Day is about Lydia. It is about her pride in her family. Both of them. And hopefully that pride will translate into a healthy self-esteem.

[pgruodis]

Originally Posted by meldorsey

Anyway, the only thing I can come up with is to plant a tree or some pereinniels - something that will always be there. Any other ideas?

Melanie

A tradition is nice, but doing something that has flexibility and can change with your child over time would be a good idea. I see a lot of problems with imposing on the child how they should feel, or how you think they feel. The child may not even know how they feel yet...or the feelings may be anger. Using Mother's Day as a template of what to do probably won't fit. Take for example most Mother's Day cards with "I Love You" on Them...the child clearly does not "love" the birth mother...a complete stranger. Do we want them to say they "miss them" when they may not. Are they allowed to say "I hate you" if they do?
I'm not saying these "events" are a bad idea...but think ahead and make sure they can not only accommodate the feelings of "happy", but "sad" & "angry" as well.

[Lissa]

Well, now we know pgruodis will not be acknowledging his child's birthparents on mother's day. How about everyone else. :-)

I'm sorry prgruodis I am just having a hard time not being amused by your posts. You obviously believe you are right. Good for you. Please let us acknowledge our children's faraway parents though if we choose without being critical or judgemental.