[smbcpc]

We are expecting a referral at the beginning of April and after many months of anticipation I am starting to feel scared and very anxious. I am still very much looking forward to bringing our baby home but for the past couple of weeks I have been worrying about not being a good enough mother, worrying that since we live in a relatively small rental apartment we won't have enough space for our child to run around, worrying about not getting my 8-hours-so-I-can-function sleep, etc. The more I read about the needs of an adopted child, the more overwhelmed I am. Has anyone else felt or is feeling this way?

[specialk4b]

Oh Sue, is that reality setting in that I hear?

I don't know from personal experience, but your response sounds pretty reasonable. After all this waiting, now it's going to happen and you're not sure you're ready!

Hugs to you!!!

[Happy2Bhere]

When we were on the road to adoption a few years ago, it never really felt "real" until they placed my daughter in my arms. The MINUTE she was in my arms, I was a mom, and I knew I would do ANYTHING for her.
Sleep- moms go in "mom mode" and don't require 8 hours of sleep. If you're like me, you won't want to "waste" any of the time you could spend with your child- and sleep will not be one of the top ten requirements :-)
As for space- we have 4000 square feet of space. Sometimes I wish I had a smaller place so I could concentrate on playing & having fun, and not cleaning 4 toilets, showers, etc.
Space & sleep won't even enter your mind once your child is home with you!
Best wishes!
Melissa

[cindymms]

You will be fine.

Don't panic if you have that moment in the middle of the night even after you get home with her and think what have I done. It happened to me and I already had 3 kids so motherhood wasn't even new to me.

I think it is very common to feel scared and worried. I don't think people talk openly about those feelings much but your life will be different after the baby and those are normal feelings. No matter how much you want a baby and how happy that makes you, you are dealing with major change to your life.

Be gentle to yourself emotionally if it takes you a while to adjust to the changes in your life.

Cindy

[KarenInCa]

What you are feeling is perfectly normal. I remember when we got our referral picture, I was not feeling that overwhelming "Im in love" feeling that I hear others have when they get the referral pictures. Our daughter did not smile in her pictures. All I could think of was that I was going to have this child and we wouldn't bond and it would be the biggest mistake of my life. These are different than your feelings but still in the same line of reference, in that I didn't know if I could do it.
In our case, on Gotcha Day, when they handed me my daughter, I was in heaven. It was a day filled with grace and awe.
When you come home, you will take one day at a time. You will have at least 1-2 years before you will really need a lot of space for her to run around. You can go on bike rides with her, and walks. EVERYTHING will be new for her. And it takes very little space to set up a coloring table, or sit in a rocking chair to read her favorite books.
At 2 and a half, I have to admit, our daughter is a bit impish sometimes, and runs around at speeds that are hard to keep up. But, she also loves running circles till she's dizzy. LOL it's amazing the things that children can do for fun that take up little space.

[Dan_C]

It's perfectly normal. You'll be fine. The magnatude of your emotion swings are in direct relation to the importance of the event. You'll be fine!

[lhprecmom]

Sue, i totally understand what you are going through. Try to keep busy and dont let your nerves take away this moment you have been waiting for, for 16 months and 3 weeks. This is going to be one of the many happiest days of your life! I, too, feel that way. I think i cant do this. But believe it or not i can. lol With us, the unexpected happened and that was we are now taking care of my husbands great niece, who has been with now since may, one month after we sent our dossier over. We've had the past 10 months to experience parenthood. We are now called mom and dad. She is our daughter (not legally), yet, but in another year we will adopt her, too! So just remember its your nerves and surely you would doubt your abilities... just like i did and will when its my turn to venture to china. But thankfully in the past 10 months i got a little taste of what to do and i wont feel so dumb. So just breathe and remember we are all here for you!!!!

Many wishes to you!!

[MissyAmomChina]

Hi,

Paperchasing and waiting had some real challenges for me. However, seeing my daughter's picture, getting her referral and waiting for travel were harder for me. There definately was excitement, but there was also anxiety and fear. The previous poster who said the highs and lows were in sync with the magnitude of the event is right. This is a big step. And you know what's amazing, we all get through it and look back on the positives fondly.

[Sheba]

After 4 children sleep is very much overrated. I agree we go into some type of Mom mode and just keep on going. We are somewhat like an energizer bunny! I have 3 bio children and one was premature and needed lots of care the first year. I ran ragged and worked full time. Then we adopted Kennedy and she has a few issues with sleeping and getting up at night. Over a year later and we are doing great and I have found out that sleeping is just a perk for when you get older and retire! You will be fine and all will go well. We all go thru this type of anxiety. I went thru it on the way there. Excited to be getting our daughter but then they handed her to us and we walked away. I half expected some one to chase us down the hallway and take her back. They did not do this and now we are going back for our final child a 4th girl to go with our son and 3 daughters.

Hugs and I know you willbe just fine! We all go thru these emotions.

[lucia2]

the wait for referral seemed almost too easy for me..I was busy....but when we rec'd the referral I just became unbelievably distracted. I obsessed about potential travel plans & the content of formula... I've read so much about attachment I'm starting to analyze all play behavior for attachment value. (oh, that's why we play peek-a-boo!)
I'm traveling Friday & have a huge cold sore and am quite sure I have never slept so poorly in my life....but it seems pretty normal. and, for me, I think it would be a little concerning if I weren't wound up.
It's big deal, but we'll all figure it out.
enjoy the excitement and put the nervous energy to good use!
here's to some speedy referrals!

[smbcpc]

Thank you, everyone, for the kind words and for the reassurance. I truly am staying busy but those thoughts always find their way into my mind. I guess it means I need to spend some more time shopping. Speaking of shopping, my latest obsession - Those cute shopping cart covers for the baby to sit in comfortably while shopping (like Floppy).

Liz, I hope you feel better soon and in time for your trip to China. I wish you a safe trip and a wonderful gotcha day.

[chinagirl2006]

Sue - I'm right with you! Our house is small & I worry about it often. But we'll make it work somehow. DH no longer has an office...we turned it into a sitting/play room. I think we're just like any 1st time parent...you're scared that you won't do everything right.

My aunt & uncle gave us 1 of the shopping cart seat covers for Christmas - I'm looking forward to using it.

[amyfk]

Hi Sue,

Once our adoption seemed like it was coming close I started getting the jitters myself! It has to be normal. I was a first time parent also.
Remember, becoming a parent is probably one of the biggest lifechanging transitions you will go through so if you didnt feel anything, I'd be surprised--youre just admitting to it, which others won't.
I also had the worry about lack of sleep. The one thing you will probably find is that you are not bringing home a newborn. With the newborns youre up all hours of the night, but with an older child they will likely sleep longer stretches, and they will probably nap. In general I'm gettting more sleep now than Ive ever had before!!! LOL
I never did diapering, feeding of a kid, etc. before our baby came home. But I learned it. And you will too.
Take a deep breath and take life one day at a time. You'll be fine. And Congratulations!
Amy K, NJ

[ElectricGypsy]

Originally Posted by smbcpc

We are expecting a referral at the beginning of April and after many months of anticipation I am starting to feel scared and very anxious. I am still very much looking forward to bringing our baby home but for the past couple of weeks I have been worrying about not being a good enough mother, worrying that since we live in a relatively small rental apartment we won't have enough space for our child to run around, worrying about not getting my 8-hours-so-I-can-function sleep, etc. The more I read about the needs of an adopted child, the more overwhelmed I am. Has anyone else felt or is feeling this way?

I remember last week when I was feeling overwhelmed with taking care of my daughter after I brought her home. It was pointed out to me that it's the good mothers that worry about whether they are going to be good parents, so you are in good shape . As for the size of your apartment, don't worry! A little one doesn't need alot of space, so your home will be just fine. The sleep though was a huge concern for me and still is. All of those that feel it's not a big deal must not generally need the 8 hours of sleep, but I hear you, because I'm like you. I have NEVER functioned very well at all with less than 8 and honestly, it is a difficult. The more you and your new baby get used to each other though, the more you will figure out what works and what doesn't in regard to sleep patterns. The lack of sleep can be painful sometimes, but think of it as only a temporary thing because it will be. You'll work things out and you will learn to be more organized with your time if you aren't already. I may not get 8 hours of sleep in a row at night now, but I try to make up for it throughout the day when she is napping. Once I learned to do that, I'm doing MUCH better and the lack of sleep is not nearly as painful as it used to be.
In the meantime enjoy the shopping and preparing and try not to worry about things too much! You'll be just fine---just trust in yourself.

As an added note, I'm also in the San Diego area, so if you need any help to get you by those anxious days of waiting and preparing, just let me know!

[Shelley]

I disagree about sleep. Yes you can function, but not well with the lack of sleep. As someone else posted you will figure out what works best for you.
There are two pieces of advise I give new mothers, don't get behind on the laundry, and sleep when the baby sleeps. If it boils down to a choice between doing laundry or getting a nap, take the nap.
I'm not trying to start a great debate here, but as the motehr to 6 I know how important sleep is, or the lack there of. As mothers we tend to forget to take care of oursleves, put everyone else's needs before our own, and that's not always a good thing.
It is normal to question our abilities, especially with all of the unknowns of adoption. Enjoy this frightening, exciting time and be easy on yourself.
To bad there isn't a way to bank sleep hours so that you can withdraw them as needed. Shelley