[susanandgrace]

We were considering adoption (China) and one of the reasons for not choosing China adoption was because people (my sister) said that when you adopt from China that you need to find other China families so that the child will not feel excluded and not part of their heritage.

We have a caucasion daughter and were very seriously considering China adoption, but if we had to seperate them in terms of groups, it didn't seem as though it would be bringing unity, but rather diversion of the family unit. I just thought that if you adopted from a different race that it wouldn't be a big deal.

Would anyone care to give their thoughts on this topic and if you have experience.

Thank you.

[lulubell]

We have 2 bio children, a daughter from Liberia, Africa, and a biracial son(adopted as well). We live in a smaller community so interaction with African American children is not a routine thing. Our daughter is close to 7 yrs. old and she has not shown or verbalized any feelings of being left out or not fitting in. Now, we have been told many different things such as: you need to move to a town of color, or find more AA children for her to play with, or you can't just go and seek out people of color because she will feel more singled out. I personally think that yes the child may feel more secure or comfortable with someone of their nationality but the bottom line is that the child just wants to feel like part of your family. I don't think that there's a right answer on this topic, you just need to do what you can to appreciate their culture and incorporate some of their cultural activities into your family but I don't think that the child will be permanently scarred for life just because they did not have a playmate from the same race or country. Just my experience and thoughts.
LeeAnn

[chinagirl2006]

One thing that our agency did at a meeting, so you would realize what race/culture you are surrounded around the most, was a bead quiz. Each bead color represented a race & they would ask us questions like...what is your race, what is your spouse's race, what's your adopted child's race, what race are most of your friends, former classmates, coworkers, dentist, etc. So you would grab a bead for each question & put it in a bowl. In the end you could "see" who you are around the most. I thought it was amazing. Made me open my eyes.

For us, we know we'll want to spend time with our travel group even after we're back. I think its important that our daughter has these other girls to become close friends with so they have ties to where they came from...girls that can understand how she feels.

Near us we have a Chinese Daycare where they speak Chinese all day long. We also have a Chinese Dance Theatre where she can take lessons. We'll see how things go, but at least I know we can get involved in things that will celebrate her background.

[prechrswife]

I will point out that it may be easier than you think to find other adoptive families in your area. One of my good friends is someone I met on this forum, and we figured out that we lived in neigboring towns. We are not in an area where there are a lot of families with Chinese children. We met another family in our area through an agency related Yahoo group. If you can find a Yahoo group for China adoptive families in your state or region, that could help you to connect with other families, regardless as to whether there is an FCC chapter in your area. (There is not one in our area.)

We are not as immersed in Chinese activities as some families, but we do feel it is important for our daughter to spend time with other China adoptees and to see other families like ours. Most of the adoptive families that we know also have biological children, so all of the kids have a chance to interact with each other and are included in whatever activities we do, whether China-related or something as simple as playing on the Burger King playground.

[lovemybulldog]

I don't think it's about segregating your kids and their social groups. I think doing that actually perpetuates racial/cultural barriers. We made the decision that, while we would work to keep our child's heritage alive and allow him to be an individual with a rich history and background, we also wanted him to learn about our family's culture as well and be proud of both. Of course, it will be his ultimate decision as he gets older whether he wants to love China or hate it because of his past. I know it can go either way.

I know your sister meant well, but there are TONS of families with multiracial households that find a great value of exposing all of their children in the household to multiple cultures, regardless of which country they were born. If you've chosen an agency, they should be able to provide you with contact info from local families that fit these parameters who can share their experiences. I personally wouldn't make a decision to adopt domestically vs. internationally based on this one factor. There is so much more to consider, but I'm sure you know that. You might just be surprised at how we your bio daughter and a child from IA adoption adapt to each other's surroundings, friends, and experiences.

Good luck in your decision!

[oleson1]

We, too, live in a small town (but close to a large, fairly diverse town). Our big thing is that we don't want to keep pointing out Jasmine's differences to her as she grows, but what makes her the same as every other child (she has 2 eyes, she smiles when she is happy, etc.). We do focus on what makes each of our 3 children UNIQUE, but we don't make that a race/gender/adoption/biologial issue, because I feel that can be detrimental as well.

That said, we do have relationships with other families that have adopted, and families from our travel group. We have also incorporated Chinese traditions into our family, just the same as we have incorporated other traditions into our family that are special to our 2 bio children.

We know that we have a unique family and we choose to celebrate that. We want to focus on what makes us special and brings us together, not necessarily what makes us different. But that it just our take...

[MissyAmomChina]

Hi,

I believe that encorporating your child's birth culture, connecting with families that look like yours *and* touching base with, in this case, Chinese-American or Asian American families is important for our children. I also don't view it as something you *have* to do as much as it's something that enriches everyone's lives. I also don't see it as singling out a child esp. since all children can participate. I believe you can also do it in a context of acknowledging everyone's heritage.

We are active members in our FCC chapter and we are lucky that it is a big chapter. So, in addition to events and get togethers, there are actual culture and language classes. Many of our school districts around here have about 90% white populations. When we are able to afford to move, we will try very hard to move to the district that has the most diversity. I would love for my daughter to have more Asian or Chinese adults in her life.

To me, this all recently hit home when Tobi, the Korean-American adoptee Olympic skier did some interviews. He has recently reunited with his birth father. He speaks of his relationship with his adoptive-mother with love. He also expressed a great sense of "not belonging"-----i.e. He didn't look like his white a-parents He didn't fit in with Korean Americans. I think this is a challenge many of children may face even if they can't express it as young children. That motivates me to do the best I can for my daughter.

[Karen in MT]

I have only a few thoughts to add to the already great posts. Our children do have a double challenge with not only being adopted, but being of another race. I have thought on this subject a lot! My husband and I plan to do our best to include and teach our daughter about her Chinese heritage. We will have friends who also have adopted Chinese children. But we do not plan for her to only think of herself as an adopted child from China. She will be a full member of our family. But more than any of that, we plan to place a great deal of time teaching her that her identity is in being a valued and loved child of God. A treasured part of the whole human race. To me that is where we all will find our true identity and value.

[Trace7]

Originally Posted by chinagirl2006

For us, we know we'll want to spend time with our travel group even after we're back. I think its important that our daughter has these other girls to become close friends with so they have ties to where they came from...girls that can understand how she feels.

I hope you also want to keep getting together with our "other" China adoptive parents group in town that we have started - I think we have a great bunch of us in that group, too We love getting together with all of you.

Aside from that large group (And Chinagirl2006 was the first Mom from that group that I met back in October 2005), Adam and I have also become close with a couple from our agency who have a LID 13 days after us, and we plan to get together with them often after our baby is home (and we get together with them often now as waiting parents, too). Plus another girl and I are good friends - and her LID is about a month after ours.

So I think if you reach out in your community and online, you will meet many people in a similar situation - and besides helping get each other through the wait and becoming friends, you will have that special bond after your babies are home and you get together.

My SIL is Japanese, and I have a half-Japanese niece and one on the way, AND they live in China (Hong Kong) - and we either go there or they come here at least once a year - so for us, we already have that Asian connection in our family - which is awesome!

[smbcpc]

Originally Posted by chinagirl2006

One thing that our agency did at a meeting, so you would realize what race/culture you are surrounded around the most, was a bead quiz. Each bead color represented a race & they would ask us questions like...what is your race, what is your spouse's race, what's your adopted child's race, what race are most of your friends, former classmates, coworkers, dentist, etc. So you would grab a bead for each question & put it in a bowl. In the end you could "see" who you are around the most. I thought it was amazing. Made me open my eyes.

Amy, our agency also did the culture experiment with the beads in one of our meetings. We thought it was very interesting.

[chinagirl2006]

Tracy - Of course we'll get together with our babies! Our kids are going to have so many friends at only a year old!

Sue - So funny that your agency did that bead thing too!

[richard p.]

We live in a very diverse area (New Jersey) so our daughters do not "stand Out". The oldest has several Chinese friends (all of them born here of Chinese parents). She did not befriend them because they were Chinese but because she liked them. I can honestly say that she and her friends are color/ethnic blind when it comes to choosing friends.
I read an interesting story about parents adopting from China with bio children. The parents spent alot of time going to Chinese school, Chinese play groups, celebrating Chinese holidays etc, etc, etc. At one point the bio child asked the parents "do you wish I was Chinese?". I think that says alot.
We allowed our daughter to drop out of Chinese school (she showed very little interest after 2 years) and we kind of stopped "celebrating" the Chinese holidays. We do go out of our way to make sure she understands the incredible debth and richness of Chinese culture. We also venture into NYC's Chinatown several times a year.
As they get older we feel that it will be more important to meet other adopted children of all nationalities. We are presently researching camps that do this.
So, i guess what I am saying is that it would be great if you can be near other Chinese people but I would not rule China out if you are not.

[kff]

I agree with you Richard. No use shoving a childs ethnic backround down their throats! I'm also from the tri-state area, I guess i'm just blind to different cultures. I have a very good friend for 17 years who happens to be Chinese when we get together we don't talk about Chinese culture and we don't talk about my Italian heritage either, not for any particular reason other than we find other topics more interesting! The same goes for our 7 yr old bio daughter we don't feel the need to expose her to my Italian heritage or my wifes Polish heritage.

We plan just to let our adopted child to just grow up the way she wants.

-Frank

[sakelley]

My daughter really wants nothing to do with other Asian children. She has a couple of Asian girls in her preschool class, but she isn't even friends with them. She would rather be friends with the little blond-haired girls and boys. She is really fascinated with blond-haired boys and men with shaved heads (thanks to my husband having a shaved head). She has an Asian doctor and she hasn't taken to him, but she really likes her CC doctor that has a shaved head. We also have friends that have 2 girls from China. When she met them, she would rather have played with our other friends daughter that is from Russia. So right now, she has decided for herself that she doesn't want to be around other Asian children. Of course, that can change when she is older.

[lucia2]

I think what most SWs are trying to promote is a connection and knowledge of the child's birth culture. This is distinct from an ethnic Chinese child born in the US to Chinese parents, and also different from many of us w/ ethnic ties to Europe. As US born parents our culture is American, and it is inescapably part of our lives. What we'll try to include in our adopted Chinese child's life is an understanding and appreciation of the culture she was born into; she will be enveloped in American culture throughout her life here w/o our intervention. I think part of promoting knowledge and respect for birth culture is not denying racial differences and arming children with positive self images. I'm sure there are many ways to accomplish this.