[Ready2bparents]

We just had our 2nd homestudy appointment today. This one was our home inspection, personal interviews and parenting classes.

During the discussion about parenting, the social worker talked in depth about the issues related to abandoment and detachment disorder our child will have when we bring her home.

Since she hasn't bonded like a normal child, the social worker suggested that we do not allow anyone else to change, feed or hold her until she bonds with us. She also suggested that we do not have our family waiting at the house we come home from China and hold off from visitors for about a month. (This will frustrate our parents!)

She said that most people will see this as a sign of spoiling our child, but children raised in this envirnoment can not be spoiled. They need a lot of love and one on one attention from their main caregivers.

She also said that direct eye contact when speaking with our child will reaffirm what we are trying to do - feeding, playing, bathing.

Any comments from parents who have children and what they have done to bond with their children?

Thanks!

[MissyAmomChina]

Hi,

There are no "absolutes" when you are bringing home your child. However your social worker is sharing information that many in the adoption community support.

I found it helpfull to prepare my family for some possible needs that our daughter may have. I also explained what was suggested (i.e we do the primary caretaking etc) and why. Of course, I reassured everyone that they were very important to our daughter and would be a big part of her life.

Ultimately, when our daughter came home, we followed her lead. Our daughter came home at 14 months and had lived in an orphanage her entire life. She was alert, social and interactive from the moment we met her. While I had read up on attachment needs, I found that her needs were far from the "worst case scenarios" I had worried about. Lilianna showed positive signs in attaching--and she also had some "anxious attachment" traits. By anxious attachment, she seemed very happy to be with us, wanted our attention, care etc. However, she didn't seem to convinced we weren't going to disappear. So, she wanted to be held a lot, really protested when one of us leaving a room, etc. You'll often hear this described as a "velcro baby."

So, for us, family was able to visit us when she was first home. However, we requested that no one scoop her up from our laps or reach for her. Lily would have found that very threatening. By letting Lily get to know people/explore them on her terms, my family was able to quickly establish a great relationship with her.

Sorry for getting so wordy. I'd recommend reading up on possible attachment needs and attachment parenting suggestions. I'd also prepare your family for needs your child may have. Then ultimately, I'd follow your child's lead. You may find yourself staying home, asking for no visitors--you may find you have a child who is secure and doesn't have many attachment needs.

Lastly, sometimes reading about attachment needs can be kind of scary/intimidating for waiting parents. In the event you would have a child with significant attachment needs, please know there is a lot of help and hope. Our daughter's cribmate has PTSD(post traumatic stress disorder) and RAD (reactive attachment disorder). Her family has worked with an attachment therapist, done holding time and many other attachment parenting techniques. The progress that this little one has made is so amazing. The work they all have done has allowed this sweet, funny, loving little one to just thrive.

Take care,

[JLW99]

Ready2bparents:
We adopted an 11 month old from Russia last year, and your social worker gives good advice. Our son was in an orphanage from birth, with many caretakers. We didn't have people waiting the night we came home, but we did have my sister pick us up at the airport, and stopped briefly at my parents house to drop her off on the way home. Our son was sick, and tired, so we didn't stay long, just headed home.
We did do all the feeding, changing, bathing and direct care activities ourselves for a long time. I was home on leave for 3 months, and spent all my time with our new child. However, we did have visitors come to the house, a few at a time, but they didn't hold our son. I didn't allow them to, but in any case, he was stuck to me and wouldn't go to anyone else anyways It was very rough at first, trying to establish a schedule, and dealing with my son crying whenever I put him down or went out of his sight.... but it did pay off in the end.
They say when your child is secure and bonded, you'll know it, and that was true. We've been home 18 months, and my son is very secure in his attachment to us, but also loves his grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc. But he prefers me and his dad over anyone else, just as any child would.
Direct eye contact is important, but sometimes it takes time for the child to feel comfortable with it. I never forced it, but found that my son loved to be rocked in a rocking chair at night with his blanket, and he'd look into my face until he fell asleep. I never forced it, though.
Most of the time, I felt like I was "winging it", going with my gut feeling. I listened to every point of view, and then did what I felt was okay for us. For example, some people say to stay at home and not see anyone else for a month...well, I would have lost my mind, and that doesn't make a good attachment! I started taking my son out on errands and out in the stroller right away. He loved going out and doing things...and it didn't have any negative effects on him that I can see.
Very quickly, you'll get to know your child better than anyone, and you'll have that "mommy sense" that will let you know when to pull him in, and when to let him go a little.
Right now we're paperchasing for our second child from China, and I feel that the things I've learned will be helpful to me, but then again, every child is so different.
I would do the same things over again though, since they seemed to work out well.
I'd advise you to read up on bonding and attachment, and prepare for any scenario. That way, you'll be prepared to handle anything!
Jenny

[wanttobe]

Our daughter was 12 months, we had just brothers and sisters at the airport. If anyone would touch her she screamed (in china). But we had shown her pictures of her sister and brother many times while in China (they didn't go). I was amazed at her responce to our daughter she went to her on her own, and just stared at her brother. Just for 10 sec. her sisyter held her, but that was surprising. We didn't allow people to rush over and had NO ONE waiting at the house. She had time to just sit and look around. You could see fear in her eyes though curiousity too. We had grandma and pa a week later for only 2 hrs, then allowed our daughter to go or not go to them. We all set on the floor and played. Yes eye contact is VERY important. When I bottle feed we connect eyes, and I always smile. At first she would only do so for a short time, now she studies my face. 2 months home. At 30 days we received our first kiss. NO hugs, No close body contact while holding her. Even in a front pack she pushed herself as far away as possible. Now she hugs so tight when I pick her up. We have limited all contact with her except our family. Now she will allow stranger to touch her or get close without screaming, she will even smile. Once she chose to even go to a man at our church, I was amazed, she reached for him. Came back fast but wow. Please listen to your social worker, they have experience, also listen to your child. Remember her world has CHANGED and it is scary, she will always be there, give her time to take it in at her pass, generally slowly, for attachment.
dana

[sak9645]

... and you will just have to try to read his/her signals and understand his/her needs.

When I adopted my daughter (18.5 mo. at the time), she was a total zombie for three days. She had no reaction to anything, and didn't show any sign of understanding when someone spoke to her in Mandarin or the local dialect. It was truly scary. I'd heard all about kids who show anger and fear when they are adopted, but back then, little was said about children who are so overwhelmed with grief, shock, and new situations that they shut down.

However, after those first three days, Becca's grief and shock lifted, and I found that I had a huggy/kissy/smiley baby, and one who absolutely LOVED having a Mom and being adopted. Initially, she would show her personality in the hotel room, but shut down a bit with others. Soon, however, she was saying "hi" and "bye-bye" IN ENGLISH to the Chinese speaking chambermaids and bumming Cheerios from one of the Dads in the group.

She was amazingly secure. She would look back at me while she was bumming the Cheerios or charming the women who ran a gift shop at a museum, just to be sure I was still with her. But she was comfortable working the crowds, either from the security of my arms or from a very short distance away.

I attribute Becca's security to the fact that she was apparently with her birth family until she was 9.5 months old. Judging from her personality, she was much loved. Her birthparents must have had a very compelling reason for abandoning her, and must have done so very reluctantly.

The orphanage, although considered a model facility, was not a good fit for her. Her caregivers said that she "didn't play -- just watched other kids playing". She also didn't eat. But the orphanage did not quell her spirit or stunt her emotionally.

I had arranged for a friend to pick us up at the airport when we returned from China, but he just collected us and our baggage and took us home. Interestingly, when he said something to her, she showed that she'd learned a third new word, "OK." She didn't know what he was saying, obviously, but she certainly had figured out what Americans give as a reply!

I had told everyone, before I traveled, that we would "cocoon" for two weeks -- not having visitors or attending baby showers. Although Becca could have handled such things, it really was a good idea not to schedule them.

For one thing, both Becca and I were sick, not to mention jet-lagged. We saw our respective physicians the very day we arrived home.

I also needed to buy some things for Becca. She had turned out to be much tinier than her medical report indicated (17 lb. at 18.5 months) and the world's pickiest eater. She had also turned out to have skinny feet, and most shoes didn't fit her well.

I kept in touch with relatives and friends by phone during our cocoon period. And we weren't total hermits. If we happened to see neighbors as we took walks, we stopped to chat. And one time, when our travels took us to an office building where a cousin worked, we dropped in so that she could be the first relative to see Becca. We just didn't stay long.

The cocoon period helped get both of us over our illnesses and onto a good schedule. It also solidified some of the bonding that had started in China.

By the time two weeks had gone by, we were both ready to party. Healthy and relaxed, Becca wound up charming everyone. She continued to work a crowd like a politician! I suspect that some people who were worried that an internationally adopted child might have serious issues were totally won over by her obviously normal behavior.

At a shower sponsored by some elderly members of a religious study group to which I belonged, for example, she happily let the women feed her yogurt. She just checked that I was right nearby, and came to be picked up occasionally, when she'd had enough. She loved unwrapping her presents and checking out the new toys and clothes. She also loved playing with the ribbon.

She really took to a male cousin of mine, when we visited. She had no trouble sitting on his lap and looking at books with him, as long as I was in plain sight. Kids love my cousin (a parent and a grandparent), because he can tell "toddler" jokes. I'm not quite sure what the joke was, but he and Becca soon began to share lots of laughs over a frequently repeated story that always ended with the cow saying, "Moo moo, twinkle twinkle."

Unfortunately, I had to go back to work only a month after bringing Becca home. That meant dealing with child care issues. I decided NOT to go with a nanny or babysitter, but to use day care. I felt that Becca would blossom in a social situation, and that a good day care provider could help her to develop skills like language and gross motor abilities.

Becca reacted to day care pretty much like a homegrown child. I phased Becca into day care over a several day period, which helped. But then, she did exactly what other kids were doing. She cried for a few minutes when I left her, but quickly turned to playing with puzzles and such. She was delighted when I came back to get her, but often didn't want to leave; she wanted to show me all the things she played with during the day.

In short, my daughter didn't really have early attachment issues. And as she has grown up -- she's now 11 years old -- she has turned into a poised and self-confident pre-adolescent.

I sometimes worry that Becca is a little too independent, but I suspect that she is simply an organized and focused person. She went off for two weeks to a sleepaway camp without a problem -- and came home with the same number of socks that she left home with. She does not want me to help AT ALL with homework, whether in Hebrew or in English, but turns out outstanding products. She is annoyed that I monitor the Asian rock music she likes and the Internet sites she visits, but puts up with the fact that Mom is a grump about such things.

Becca is much less huggy/kissy than before, but that is typical of 11 year olds -- and particularly 11 year olds who are developing some signs of puberty. Her peers are very important to her during this stage of her life, and she is fortunate to have some very nice friends, who seem very fond of her. She can be very thoughtful and caring, although, like most preteens, she has plenty of witchy moments, and moments when I must take her to task for her "bad attitude."

In short, I have been very fortunate. My daughter has been wonderfully healthy, physically and mentally (except for some early feeding issues and a bout of mono last year). She has never shown any of the classic symptoms of attachment issues, such as excessive clinginess or over-willingness to go to strangers. She is successful at school, enjoys hobbies such as horseback riding, and loves to email and phone her friends.

Of course, Becca is not yet a teenager. The teens often pose challenges for adopted children, as they deal with issues related to their identity. I can only hope that Becca's basic security will help her weather the temptations of drugs, early sexual activity, etc., as well as the moods and hormones of puberty.

But I do not believe that all adopted Chinese children are going to develop like Becca. Plenty of children will come home with attachment issues, as well as problems with language, sensory integration, post-traumatic stress, and so on. There is so much variability; after all, our children have had a variety of birth family experiences, orphanage/foster care experiences, etc. And some kids are just more resilient than others.

Unfortunately, kids don't come with instruction manuals. Parents need to figure them out. Even people who have already parented a bio or adopted child may have difficulty "reading" a new child. First-time parents often stay up nights, worrying that they are missing something important about their new child.

I would suggest that all first-time prospective adoptive parents become "experts" on child development during their wait -- reading books about both normal and abnormal development to be sure, but also spending as much time as possible around children, especially children who have some issues. It won't totally make the worries go away, but it will help.

For me, one of the most valuable things I did before I adopted was to volunteer at a children's hospital for four years. I was a "patient care volunteer", meaning that I didn't just bring the book cart around. I changed diapers, fed babies, dealt with tantrums, dealt with non-sleeping kids, soothed homesick children, held kids' hands during medical procedures, cleaned up kids who vomited, and worked with kids from really terrible environments, who had never learned any manners and couldn't tell time at age ten.

By the time I adopted, I was not worried about meeting the physical needs of my daughter, so I could pay attention to the emotional needs. And I had come to the point where I was able to accept my new daughter for the person she was, and not to expect her to have the same development as a biological child.

We had our challenges -- for example, Becca's initial difficulty gaining weight. But, fortunately, we got through them. So far, at least, we're doing fine.

Sharon

[oleson1]

Each child is different...

We had a homecoming party at the airport with our 2 boys, my family and a family that is very close to us. We warned my mom that Jasmine would cling to us and not to push the issue. But, in pure Jasmine fashion, when we walked through the gate, she walked up to my mom and put her arms up wanting held. (6 months later and she still loves to prove me wrong at every turn )

Our daughter was (and still is) an EXTREMELY social child. If we would have stopped all contact with other people for that amount of time it would have been bad for her.

Like I said, though, every child is different. As you get to know your child, you will get to read her. Let her tell you how much contact she wants. Don't your family (or the "experts") bully you.

[Nichole98]

This is a great thread! I was wondering if I could jump in with my own question. All of our relatives live either 6 hours north of us or 14 hours south. We do not have any family members near by. They are already letting us know that they will be coming for visits when we get home. Of course when they come it is for a weekend or longer and always stay in our guest room. We have already mentioned that we will need some time alone first which made them all groan. I am worried that my home will become the Hilton with constant guests after we get back. The majority of our family and friends live in the same state so we thought it may be better for us to fly there for a few days so they all meet her and possibly avoid to many house guests. How long should we wait before putting her on a plane to meet her entire family?? Or do we let them all come to us??

[joyfulme3x]

It's great that your SW is instructing you on these issues. With attachment, IMO, it's better to err on the side of caution, because the stakes are so high. We had brief visits with relatives and close friends in the weeks after our DD came home, but we didn't allow anyone else to do any caregiving (feeding, etc.) for a few months. When someone came over we'd just all sit on the floor and play with toys.

It's so important to remember that some of the signs of attachment issues are counterintuitive. It seems to make sense that if child goes easily to anyone (reaches out arms, etc) from the beginning, this is a good thing, demonstrating good adjustment etc. In fact, this can be a red flag! Our daughter (12 months at adoption) clung to me pretty immediately, but in China and on the trip home, she would be SO charming (batting eyelashes, adorable smile, etc.) to ANYONE who had food. She'd push away from me, and toward them! People thought it was so cute but it disturbed me a lot since I knew it was "parent shopping" and not just a sign of a sociable personality. As she became more attached to DH and me she swung to an extreme clinginess (SUPER velcro baby) and as the months have gone by she has developed a very normal and healthy attachment to us. It's just taken time and, I believe, a lot of the attachment tips that your SW and attachment books can offer.

[richard p.]

I am no expert - just a first time (soon to be second time) parent. You said the social worker talked about the various issues the child WILL have. If i have learned anything it is that all children are different. When we adoppted our first back in 98 we were given no advise about attachment disorder, bonding issues etc, etc. We used our common sense and took cues from our daughter. She was in full time daycare within a month of returning home. The family (about 20 people) threw a party for her after about 6 weeks. I had an elderlky aunt feed and put her to sleep within a few weeks. Read all you can, listen to advise from people who have been there and use your instints and take cues from the child. The adoption experience can and does go very smoothly.

[Ready2bparents]

Thank you everyone for all of your comments! It's amazing how much I've learned on this board and so appreciate the advice that you all offer.

Nicole, I am in the same situation as you - all of our family live out of state so we want to start having the conversations now about not having visitors right away. My in-laws normally come down for several weeks at a time when they do visit.

We'll start reading up on this and speaking to our families now so they can better understand what's best for our child.

Thanks again!!

[prechrswife]

Originally Posted by Nichole98

This is a great thread! I was wondering if I could jump in with my own question. All of our relatives live either 6 hours north of us or 14 hours south. We do not have any family members near by. They are already letting us know that they will be coming for visits when we get home. Of course when they come it is for a weekend or longer and always stay in our guest room. We have already mentioned that we will need some time alone first which made them all groan. I am worried that my home will become the Hilton with constant guests after we get back. The majority of our family and friends live in the same state so we thought it may be better for us to fly there for a few days so they all meet her and possibly avoid to many house guests. How long should we wait before putting her on a plane to meet her entire family?? Or do we let them all come to us??

My parents live 9 hours from us. They met us at the airport, which was wonderful for us because we were exhausted. We live 3 hours from Atlanta where we arrived, so we spent our first night there and then came home. My parents and sister did come down for a couple of days, but they stayed in a hotel instead of in our guest room. Our daughter has not really displayed any attachment issues other than wanting to know where at least one parent is at all times, and was not ill, so they were able to visit with us during the daytime without much problem. We did all feeding and caretaking tasks. They did hold her, and that wasn't an issue for us. (We did make sure that she was always handed back to one of us instead of getting passed around from one to the other.) They only stayed for a couple of days, though.

The best advice is to read your child's signals. Mary Joyce is very laid back and social. We even took her to church much earlier than we had originally planned. Plan for the worst, and hope for the best.

[TaraL]

The best advice I ever received was from our social worker. She talked about attachment and things that "could" happen, she suggested various books and/or websites, etc. She told us to educate ourselves without making ourselves crazy over it. Then she said take your knowledge with you and put it on the back shelf. Once you receive your daughter let her take the lead. If she has problems with attachment you will at least have some knowledge, if not then wonderful. She told us not to obsess on it because we can't stop what may happen, we can just work on it.

Our daughter had no problems. We had about 12 people waiting for us at the airport and everyone got to hold her for a few minutes and she was fine. Olivia has always had a great sense of humor and she found our family quite amusing. She was fine as long as she had one eye on us. She is now the same way when she is in a room of strangers. She is very social as long as she has mommy or daddy close by.

Even though our daughter had no attachment problems we did do most of the care taking. My parents helped with some as they were going to be her babysitters when I went back to work so she needed to bond with them also.

One mistake I think I did make was allowing my parents to take Olivia for alittle ride only a few days after we were home (she was gone an hour so I could get a few things done). My mom (who innocently just didn't get the whole attachment stuff and just thought of her as her granddaughter) stopped at her job to "show her off." This could have been a really bad thing but it wasn't. Olivia enjoyed going and socializing and she was already use to my parents and she was quite happy when she got home. To make myself feel better I just chalked it up to giving her more reassurance that she will always come back to me wherever she goes. I wouldn't do it again however when we adopt another child.

Bottom line is that your child will make it quite clear what she needs regarding attachment. Let her take the lead and go from there.

[Sheba]

When we came home with Kennedy the only person at our house was my Mom. She was there because she was watching our other children while gone and she spends a great deal of time with them weekly. We did advise our family and friends not to come over but to call and explained why. We told them we would ease her into the family and friends on our terms and hers. They did accept this and it went well. Kennedy would not even let anyone touch her and would pull away. Now a year later she loves our family and friends and they carry her everywhere. She has 18 cousins and they could not wait to hold her for the first time. You SW is just informing you of ways to help you bond wiht your daughter and not to scare her any more than she is.

Some of our family only seen pictures for the first 6 months! At our family reunion, she was a popular item but I warned everyone that they needed to approach her with caution and not force her to talk to them or let them hold her. If someone tried to take her and she did not like it, I intervened.

You will know more when you get your daughter. All of them re act differently. Kennedy never cried when she was handed to me and never seemed to really grieve but did have night terrors.

[Lissa]

One thing that some social workers will fail to mention but that was an issue with us. Lydia attached quickly. No problems there. But when we brought her home she had shigelliossi and Giardia. We had the Center for Disease Control calling our home over the shigelliosis telling us we brought her into the country illegally as that was one of the diseases they don't allow in. Now, we had no idea...and we did the required physical so we didn't get in trouble...but the point is the disease is something my 70+ old parents might not have gotten over as easily as she did. So it's best to keep the child away from others when possible until their US physical.

[Ready2bparents]

Our social worker did mention that our daughter could be exposed to so many viruses from others that she is not immune to but I never thought that she might be carrying something that we or others could catch.

Lissa ~ what is shigelliossi and Giardia and how did it affect Lydia?