[mkinzie]

I am quickly approaching one year since LID and I have to say that I am becoming very numb to the whole thought of receiving a daughter. It no longer seems real. I was so anxious to get all the paperwork finished and start a baby room but now I just don't care. I still think about our daughter and pray that she's doing well but it just doesn't seem as if it is going to happen. We are still waiting for some vague, unknown date in the future for a referral and I am sick of worrying or thinking about it. I sound whiney I know but I have been feeling this way for a while now. I used to write quite a bit in the journal I started for her but now I have to force myself to write something monthly. Does anyone else feel this way? DH says it's just because we've waiting so long and he even is starting to feel disassociated from the whole thing. Is there anyone out there who waited around a year and has her daughter who felt this way? I'm afraid I'm going to have second thoughts or regret what we're doing. I need encouragement!

P.S. - I even found a great sale on Dora the Explorer underwear (99 cents for 3 pair) and I almost didn't buy them! I just thought, "Why bother", I'm going to have all these clothes that I'm not going to be able to use.

[specialk4b]

Melissa, I know what you mean. When we started the paperchase I was thrilled and couldn't wait to start on the baby's room and buying stuff, but made myself wait until we were DTC.

After a two month delay in the paperchase (waiting for 797c) and watching the time to referral get longer and longer, I still haven't started. It's almost as if it won't happen and if I get a referral it will be a surprise.

I think it's a natural reaction and once the referral is iminent, we'll get excited again. Let me know.

[cungar]

This would have been a lot easier for a lot of people if they'd known the wait was going to be this long ahead of time. Remember that other IA programs are longer than 1 1/2 years. We just passed 13 months since LID and the last few months we've talked less and less about our daughter each month. I think it's good though to kind of put it out of your head. I'm sure when it gets closer we'll be just as enthused as before but we refuse to put our lives on hold when we have no idea how long we will be waiting.

[Nichole98]

Melissa,

Im sorry that you are so discouraged and feel so down. We are just DTC so we are very aware of the long wait. I feel so terrible for all of you that thought you would have your babies by now. I agree with the other posters that once you get closer to referal you may start to feel differently. Im just begining to start my wait so I still feel excited but I cant let my guard down because I have this fear that something will go wrong!! Keep your head up!

[jenn2004]

I know exactly how you feel, trust me! I think for all of us who were told the wait would only be 6 months was so encouraging at the time, I have had Katelyn's room done for over a year now, I have tons and tons of clothes and toys bought for her, I don't really buy that much anymore, it was so very exciting at first but now with all the let downs I have my heart so guarded, I (Think) we are next, but I thought we were next last month too, I still have a little shield up! I have too! When we get the call from our agency telling us we have a daughter then the excitement will start all over again, I hope they at least make it through all of July and some of August, I am so very sorry to everyone who is going through this, I truely am!

[gardener]

I think it is normal and ok to feel the way you do. My sister had to wait 13 months and she was told it would only be 6 months. I think she got sick of people asking about the arrival of her daughter. I just didn't bring it up until she had any further.

You'll have your baby soon.

[Jdubs03]

You are not alone. After only making it a couple days with last months referrals, I had a mini "meltdown". I did the math and realized how long our wait would be if referrals didn't speed up. I don't know that I am growing numb to the whole thing, but I am trying to look at the whole thing in a different way. Unfortunately, it is what it is. At this point, I really have no control over when she will be here. I just keep telling myself that I will be matched with the daughter I'm meant to have. Even that means she's just not ready to come home yet. I know that sounds kind of Paulianna, but it helps me get through.

We have also been piecing together her nursery, which is far from being done. We have a crib and rocking chair, and the walls are painted. But I still want to put up chair rail, but I have time so that seems like a good winter project. I have also been buying some pictures on ebay for the nursery as I find them, but not going too crazy with the buying. I know she will be here one day, so no need to buy everything at once.

In the meantime, I have a big list of projects to keep me busy. Today, for example, we worked on digging trenches and running pipe for irrigation. I'm so exhausted, I won't be awake long enought to think about the wait. And, hopefully, Hana will have nice thick grass to play in once she gets here!

But I've rambled enough. You are not alone. Please feel free to vent to us anytime. And once you hold your beautiful daughter, you won't even remember how you feel now. You'll know that it was all worth it!

[musemoon]

I know I am a fost/adopt mommie, but my sister and her husband are going to adopt from China, in their research and in asking other adoptive couples, they found that the wait for a child is about 18 months to 2 years on average. Some are less, but must fall in the 18 month or longer range.

[chinagirl2006]

Melissa - I'm right with you...you're not alone. Chuck is right...when we're closer to referral the excitement will come back & our brains will be fried I've noticed that I've stopped shopping for our daughter, I don't talk about it as much, I'm not online reading other families' blogs, etc. I guess its a way to keep myself sane. We'll get our babies soon!

[stayjay]

You are not alone. We are heading into month # 14 and depending on how things progress, we could have another several months to wait. I think if I had known going into this that the wait would be 14-18 months I would feel better, but we were told 5-6 months from LID to referral. I feel like I have had the rug pulled out from under me. When we were first LID, we were like giddy schoolchildren, buying things, dreaming about family vaca's, family dinners, game night, holidays and all sorts of fun things with our daughter. Now it is too painful to dream.

People mean well, but it is absolutely agonizing to go out with family & friends. People don't know wheather to ask about it or not. It's like the elephant in the room, everybody know's it's there but nobody wants to talk about it. Friends and family just don't understand and I hate to "educate" everyone every time we go out about China and the way things are with adoption right now and the wait times and the uncertainties etc. So now we tend to turn down dinner invitations with friends and family. I wish we hadn't told everyone we would have a referral in 6 months back when we were LID.

Everyone says to enjoy this time together as we have no children, and it stings every time I hear it. I am sick of intimate dinners, weekend getaways, and movies. I have done the sock swap, the bib swap and the cyber showers. I have read attachment books and books on Chinese culture. I have completed the nursery (months ago) and now have to keep the door shut because it is too agonizing to look at.

So no, my friend, you are not alone. Many of us feel deflated, defeated, and empty. The bright side is that our day WILL COME. We just have to hang on one more day. I am terrified to see the what the next batch of referrals brings. Every time I hope for a big batch, I just get let down. Let's hope we are all thrilled with the next batch!

Hang on, nobody said it would be a smooth ride!

My best to all of you!

[mkinzie]

Thanks so much for the responses! It really does help to know that I am not alone. I have friends and family to talk to and they mean well but they really don't quite understand. I read this morning that referrals up to August 9th were sent so congratulations to anyone who received a referral! Maybe that means we are only two months away! Thanks again!

[ttcasey]

When my husband and I first started talking about adoption we expected 7-8 months. When we met with the adoption agency, they warned that the time was getting longer. They have been completely upfront about the length in time. We are lucky, we have two biological teenagers and boy do they keep us busy. My sister-in-law just keeps saying, time goes by really fast so don't get frustrated with the wait. I haven't started with the babies room, or buying clothes yet. Because we have a LID of 8/17/06 we know we have a good while to go. For those of you with LID of 2005, I will pray that your children come to you soon!

Trish

[oleson1]

Melissa,

In no way do I want to diminish your feelings of frustration, but let me tell you as someone who has BTDT, the wait is SO worth it.

I have had 2 bio children and been through one adoption. I can say undoubtedly that there is much more pain involved with the adoption. At least I knew that the pregnancy wouldn't last any longer than 9 months...

When we started our adoption process, we were told that it would take 12 months from start to finish -- it took 20 months.

Now, as I hold my daughter I know that in all the world (**literally**) there is no little girl better suited for our family than her.

When you get your referral and pictures, you will start to bond with your daughter. In the mean time, use this board as a resource. It was so valuable to me in the months that I waited for my daughter...

[jjnanj]

We are in the same mindset as the TC. We've only been LID since March, and the wait is absolutely killing us.

We have bought some clothes and a few toys, but we never even thought of beginning to put her room together.

Our biggest concern is with the wait period being so long, our fingerprints and homestudy will be expiring before our referral even comes.

We are looking at finances in the meantime, and putting in another $2,500.00 will probably be our breaking point. Neither of us has the overtime available from our jobs (salary positions), and getting a part time job here in SE MI is not so easy...especially for the hours that we would be available.

We have already discussed the possiblilty of shutting it down before we would have to get things redone due to the expiration. We hate to think that way, but maybe it just wasn't meant to be.

On a lighter note: CONGRATULATIONS to all that have received or will be receiving their referrals.

Good luck to all of you, hopefully your journeys are happy and easy going.

[Karen in MT]

It sounds as if many of us are going through many of the same feelings. Our LID is 07/14/06. We have a wait. I feel very sad for those of you who are so very anxious due to not having children yet or other reasons. I have raised 3 grown children and I'm more worried about the wait due to the fact that my husband and I are not getting any younger and lots can happen in OVER-A-YEAR! The world is so filled with difficulties and danger, that I worry our adoption may also never happen. Which I also think brings on some actual depression in me. Wondering if we should have even put our hearts and hard earned money on the line. But, thank you for those of you that have said, that it will happen and be worth the wait. I had a lovely surprise with one of my adult children this weekend due to my faith, prayer and visions of something coming true. We will KEEP THE FAITH. -Karen