[jrwall68]

We've been home for almost a year and every thing is wonderful. Our daughter is happy, healthy and beautiful. She is learning more and more every day and will be two in September.

My question for the forum is about attachment. Our daughter is VERY attached to me. When ever there's a problem or frustration for her she's very quick with a big "DADDY". Its wonderful for my ego, but I think its hard on my wife. Our little girl is very affectionate with both of us, but just doesn't turn to my wife as often.

Has anyone else experienced this. Is it just a phase for a 2 year old or is it adoption related? Should I not worry about it and remember these days when she's a teenager and ignores both my wife and I?

Any advice would be helpful.

[hoping44]

Our daughter, who is now 13, was always a Daddy's girl. She much preferred going with her Daddy over shopping or doing anything "girlie" with me. Daddy was much more exciting. But her dad had warned me before she was even born, he told me that I could put as many bows in her hair as I wanted, but that she would just be riding the tractor with hairbows. He was right. For a very long time, anytime someone asked her about a boyfriend, she would say that it was her daddy and she was going to marry him when she grew up. Just enjoy it while you can. DH has had a difficult time with his little girl growing up. He is no longer the boyfriend and she shares a lot more with me now. She is still very close to her dad. However, over the past few years, since our now 16 year old son became a teenager and our daughter has followed, DH and I suddenly know very little about anything, are a true source of embarassment in most social situations (sometimes completely planned by DH), and basically are needed very little except in the area of finances.lol Enjoy your Daddy's girl, just do your best to make Mom sound interesting sometimes!

Tracy

[KarynB]

It's totally "normal" - kids go back and forth through their entire childhood. However, having been on the short end of this stick sometimes - maybe you can try and include your wife in some of the stuff that happens. So if your daughter runs to you with a cut knee, maybe say "Mommy would really like to give this a kiss,too. Daddy will do the bandaid while Mommy holds your hand" or something like that. It helped me to remember that even though my DS/DD wasn't choosing me at that time, I wasn't going to be be completely left out of things!

But, on the adoption end of things, as our DS was 3 when he came home, he had learned a fair bit of "manipulation techniques" at the orphange - so he went to the person who could/would give him what he wanted. Then, we made sure he knew we were a team - as in "Let's also go ask daddy if you can have that ice-cream before we make a decision". But all depends on situation!

Good luck!

[Lissa]

It's very normal for children to attach to one parent more than the other. I was on the receiving end of that attachment with Lydia and it can be just as hard on the one she does attach to as quickly as to the one she doesn't.

Try having special activities that are just mommy activities that a pleasing to baby. Lydia loves her night time bed routine and that is exclusive daddy/daughter time in our house. It helped their relationship and it also gave me time to myself away from a clinging baby.

[KarynB]

Don't you think this is one of the hardest things about parenting an adopted child? You need to figure out if the behaviour is "normal" and age-appropriate, or due to race issues, or due to attachment issues, or due to adoption insecurities, or.....

Boy, it's tough, isn't it?

[jrwall68]

Thanks for the great advice. I've really started to use the "let's see what mommy says" tack.

The other thing we've tried to do is create some things that only dd and dw do. Little things like putting our dd's hair in pigtails...only mommy can do that!

[angelkisses0102]

There is no such thing as overly attached...typically when people speak of this the child is suffering from anxious attachment. There is healthy secure attachment and insecure attachment.

Does she have any attachment to your wife? Does she willingly accept affection from your wife on her terms? Or is everything only on your daughter's terms?

A good place to start is with a couple of websites... www.a4everfamily.org is a great site....there are checklists and red flags that should help you determine if there is indeed an issue with your daughter. www.attach-china.org is another great website. If you feel there is more of an issue, an evaluation by a QUALIFIED attachment professional would be best (not a regular therapist...that will do more harm than good.) Contact Kelly at www.radzebra.org for someone close to you.

I am the parent of a son who many would describe as overly attached...he has a serious attachment disorder, anxious insecure attachment and was probably RAD when we adopted him at 8 months old. We have spent 28 long and hard months healing my son but he is getting better and will have normal and healthy emotional attachmemnts and relationships in his life.

If you feel there is an issue, do not ignore it...these issues do not get better on their own...in fact they get worse. The sooner they are addressed the higher the chance that the child will heal completely. Based on the backgrounds of our PI kids...I always suggest looking at attachment or other PI issues first...our kids did not have a normal life until they were placed in our arms.

OK, stepping off my soapbox...this is an issue that is near and dear to my heart...and that we live with daily.

[jrwall68]

That is wonderful advice. I often think I need to look at some of these potential issues with a more "clinical" approach. Our daughter is very affectionate to my wife, just not as affectionate as she is to me.

I think that I'll talk to our pediatrician about it just in case. (she's an adoptive mom herself.)

Thanks again for the great advice.