[Paytonsmom]

Dh and I are in the talking process of adoption. Our dd will be 5 the beg. of Oct. I would like to adopt a little girl, so she can have a sister about 2-2 1/2 years younger than she is.

I see that most people adopt infants/younger toddlers. I was wondering if anyone had experience in adopting an older toddler like 2 1/2 to 3 1/2? I'm wondering how the referral went, and the transition in bringing her home?

[lovemybulldog]

Definitely ask to look at the special needs lists from your agency. If you don't have an agency yet, I would be happy to PM you the info from our agency. They have an awesome "Family Finders" program for older children, many with very minor correctable issues.

[mouse93]

My dh and I adopted a 20 month old boyfrom China in 2004. He was born with a cleft lip and pallette, which was repaired, you can hardly see the scar and he is the smartest kid in his preschool. We are leaving in a couple days to adopt a little girl with the same affliction. She is 3 years and 4 months old. We wanted toddlers only as well, our agency offered us pictures of children with special needs. Not really special needs to us, but to China they are. You are not obligated to take any of these children, but they beatiful normal chilren to most people. The adoption process is way shorter than for babies. Both are adoptions took well under a year. You can PM me and I would be happy to answer any questions.

[socheltree]

Our son was 33 months old when we received him in China. Our transition has been very easy. You can read our story on our blog.

[Paytonsmom]

Originally Posted by lovemybulldog

Definitely ask to look at the special needs lists from your agency. If you don't have an agency yet, I would be happy to PM you the info from our agency. They have an awesome "Family Finders" program for older children, many with very minor correctable issues.

If we do this we need to be able to find a healthy girl in that age range. I don't think we'd be willing to accept a special needs child. This is mainly a dh issue. His biggest concern with having two children is probably health issues. So going into this I know what our limits are. Dd was sick alot in the first 3 1/2 years and dh seems to have a hard time with this (something other than the basic colds that is) She was just in the ER while we were on vacation with a terrible ear infection, and I knew this would make dh worry about adopting. He's worried about having to deal with twice as many sicknesses. Which I don't think will neccessarily happen. (we expect no child to be perfect of course, but just feel like it might be easier if there weren't any major issues going into it)

I would be interested in the information you have, and what you consider minor correctable issues though. Thanks for the help.

[lovemybulldog]

Originally Posted by Paytonsmom

If we do this we need to be able to find a healthy girl in that age range. I don't think we'd be willing to accept a special needs child. This is mainly a dh issue. His biggest concern with having two children is probably health issues. So going into this I know what our limits are. Dd was sick alot in the first 3 1/2 years and dh seems to have a hard time with this (something other than the basic colds that is)

In the beginning, my DH was set on HEALTHY HEALTHY HEALTHY... But I was in his ear constantly explaining that this was not realistic. I read him articles, emailed him links to websites, talked about it all the time... and now he is totally OK with it and aware that health issues are probable...not just possible. He's even contemplating a SN child when 6 months ago, it was out of the question. So, there's hope for your DH, but you need to go in with eyes open...

I have to tell you that with International Adoption (or any adoption for that matter), you really need to be ready for anything. While I feel the dialogue is a little on the extreme side, please read this post: health issues in chinese orphans

By asking for a healthy child, you're still going to get a child with issues beyond basic colds most of the time. Because there is so much you won't know about the child's background, parent's health, and even underlying issues that haven't cropped up yet, you still could have health problems to deal with. I would strongly encourage that you sit down with your dh and ask him...no, require... that he do some reading. If ear infections freaked him out, he may not be ready for this. He really needs to be on the same page as you in terms of his knowledge about possible health issues with international adoption or he's going to be in for a big shock later, and that's not fair to the child, or your family.

I guess I wonder what would happen if you had a bio child with health issues. What would he do then? These are questions that will probably come up in your homestudy (i.e. How will you be prepared to handle "XYZ"), even more so if you go for a toddler or a SN child. Even SN kids with correctable issues such as clefts or limb differences will come home with needs above and beyond ear infections or colds.

Think hard and keep reading, praying, and educating your DH. The more he knows and understands, the better.

Best wishes to you both!

[socheltree]

I have been thinking about my initial post in this thread, and thought perhaps I should elaborate a little.

I was a VERY reluctant "DH" (the D stands for "dear", and not another "D" word, right?) regarding SN when we began. On our agency application we put "healthy infant girl, as young as possible". I was very adamant about that. I thought trans-racial international adoption was going to be challenging enough! So when my wife started showing me pictures of this little boy with a club hand I thought she was crazy! We already have 2 boys (18 & 15) the whole point of going with China was to get a little girl. I was terrified of attachment issues, etc.

It didn't take me long to realize that I was mistaken. This little guy was the right child for our family. The SN factor was a good fit for us. My sister, who lives close to us, has a son with major birth defects that affect all of his limbs. We've watched him grow up and endure surgeries, etc. He will never be like other people, but he is doing great! I looked at the pictures of this guy with a funny hand and thought, "we can do this." We knew the support systems, and had seen first hand how children adapt to their differences. That said, someone above referred to limb differences as being "correctable". Some are I suppose, but the course of action recommended for our son was to leave him alone, and let him adapt. His right hand is normal, and he can do many things with his left. So far it affects him very little, but it will always be different.

As to how "easy" it's been, I should say we have had our set of challenges - he has health issues we were unaware of when we adopted him, and he has oral aversion issues. Our agency required we take a number of online training classes before submitting our dossier. This was very helpful in preparing us. Also, we are experienced parents, and my wife is an early-childhood educator with years of experience. I think we were very lucky to receive such a loving and (generally) easy-going child. But a lot of why things have seemed easy for us is because we were very prepared, and have been willing to take things as they come. Being an older, experienced parent has it's advantages.

[joyfulme3x]

Very wise words above--

I just wanted to emphasize that if you are set on adopting an older non-special-needs toddler, China may NOT be the program for you. From research over the past couple of years I have seen that many (if not most) people who specifically request an older toddler receive a baby under 2. Apparently there are just not that many older toddlers available for international adoption (one reason likely being that orphanages can only submit so many dossiers for international adoption and since most IA families request "as young as possible" the SWI decides it might as well not submit files of kids who are no longer infants).

We requested a child 1-3 years old with an emphasis on the higher end of that range because we wanted our new child to be close in age to the older siblings, and we felt prepared for the extra challenges of toddler adoption. However, we were referred a 10 month old. But guess what--she is PERFECT for our family and we can't imagine things any other way.

I just want you to be aware that there's a good chance of receiving a younger baby than you request.

[Paytonsmom]

Thank you all for your encouraging words. I talked with Dh on Friday night, and got the first real positive thoughts from him on all this, and shared what little I had read from here on the posibility of adopting a child with minor correctable sn. He didn't seem so scared when I gave him some examples.

So tomorrow I am going to call the agency near us and see about talking to them and getting a few more answers to questions from them, as I still find some contradictory info from what I've heard from others. I have been told that it's a little quicker when asking for a slightly older child. I can't imagine having an infant in the house, that would be too much like starting over for us. I feel like two is the youngest we'd want to go, with 3 1/2 being about the oldest. If it wasn't for the fact that I really want to find a little sister for our dd about 2 and a half years younger, than an infant wouldn't be terrible.

I have read quite a few times of people ending up with a referral younger than they'd asked for. Thanks again for the encouragement.

[kff]

check out the yahoo forum for toddler adoption as well.
We are adopting a toddler as well our daughter is now 6 we requested a 18-24 years of age. With this slow down it looks like the age gap between our daughter will be about 4 years. Our DTC was 11/05

[jt421_2000]

I just adopted a 33 months boy from the SN list. His adjustment has been amazing. He is slightly delayed from orphanage life, but is picking up things at a amazing rate!!!He is a cleft lip and palate child, both are now repaired. Oh yes he has speech and OT but they are expecting a full recovery (if that is a correct term)
Good luck with your choice!!! PS another friend adopted a cleft child and she has NO delays and is doing great no transitions....just ges to show all kids are different.