[Lissa]

Allegedly there is a couple right now in China who after day 3 of having their child (and after numerous medical exams) asked to have their adoption dissolved and be rematched with another child. According to the story the child was small and developmentally behind so the Chinese government assigned the couple a different child and promised to care for the first.

Many people are very angry about this...others are supportive.

My opinion on the matter isn't really important...but the reason I bring it up is.

WE MUST EDUCATE OURSELVES!! We must prepare ourselves for our children and research as much as possible. We must know that delays are not only possible but probable and we must know before we go to China what resources our area has to offer our children when we return.

[TaraL]

Normally I would never judge a family for this. I don't really judge them now either. I know how hard this must have been. Its a decision I hope to never have to make. That being said, I think they were looking for the "perfect" child. From what I read of their blog this child had issues that so many children had. I honestly beleive that a few weeks with a family and the child had a very good chance of being fine. I am only going by what I read. I suprise myself with this one as this time I don't agree with the disruption/rematch. Normally I would never be this way.

Lissa, you make a very good point. We do need to be prepared. Yes, I believe that many, many children catch up quickly once they are home however it takes a little work to get to that point. Olivia didn't have very good head control for a 1 year old. She also had pretty bad hair and was tiny due to poor nutrition. Within a few weeks she blossomed.

I should say that many Asian babies are smaller than their Caucasian peers so they may appear tiny compared to what we assumed they would be. My Olivia, now 2.5 years old wore an adorable 18 mos red, white and blue shirt for the 4th of July along with a 6-9 month little denim mini skirt. And of course the waist is still taken in from last summer! She is extremely healthy (never had more than a well baby visit to the doctor since she was home) but she is a peanut!

[pgruodis]

Assuming the child was not special needs, I guess a really lot matters on just how small, and how developmentally behind the child was. Depending on that answer, the parents in question may have made their decision based on lack of...or very adequate education. While it is true that some/most? children do develop normally given the right environment...this is not the case with all children.

[socheltree]

Lissa,
I'm not suggesting their blog should be linked from here, but I tried reading through the Terms of Service in search of something which would forbid this and couldn't find it. I ask mainly as a point of clarification as my only other post on this forum was edited for violation of a rule I couldn't find in the Terms of Service as well. Is there a link you can give me with all the rules so I can familiarize myself with them?

Thanks,
ScottO

[BrandyHagz]

Scott,

Our ToS is in the process of being updated - you can view why your post was edited here: http://forums.adoption.com/announcem...ouncementid=14

This "Guideline" is posted at the top of every forum and outlines why we don't allow the discussion of agencies.

There is no portion of our Terms of Service that keeps members from posting URL's to their blogs...however (and I am saying this without having seen the blog in question) there are rules that keep the some URL's from being posted - based on the content of the URL.

[angelkisses0102]

Disgusting...as the parent of 2 PI kids the absolute nicest thing I can say is disgusting. I have no sympathy for them and am disgusted by their actions...regardless of their situation. They set out purposely to adopt a child from China...they should have prepared themselves for any scenario and decided to accept all possibilities or found another program. It makes me sick...that poor baby...actually both babies because what is Hannah #2 going to say when she grows up and finds all this out. YUCK!

And wow, freaks me right out about not changing the name...I agree creepy.

[pgruodis]

Originally Posted by angelkisses0102

Disgusting...as the parent of 2 PI kids the absolute nicest thing I can say is disgusting. I have no sympathy for them and am disgusted by their actions...regardless of their situation. They set out purposely to adopt a child from China...they should have prepared themselves for any scenario and decided to accept all possibilities or found another program. It makes me sick...that poor baby...actually both babies because what is Hannah #2 going to say when she grows up and finds all this out. YUCK!

And wow, freaks me right out about not changing the name...I agree creepy.

ak, do you have more information that we do not? Was the child inaccurately misrepresented to a small or large degree? While I doubt anyone goes into IA looking for a child of perfect health, a gross misrepresentation does make a difference. Was the child designated Special Needs? If not, what if the child was in fact more than this couple are capable of parenting? Should they take-on more than they should? Since you use such strong language "disgusting"...do you know more of the facts? If you do, please share them.

[lovemybulldog]

I'm sure I'll get flamed for this, but here goes.

I have to say that Angel Kisses and others on the blog posted above are being unneccessarily harsh on this family. I read their journal and I have to say that I found it to be mostly very pleasant. I think the author's writing style is very "tell it like it is" and may come across to some as impersonal, but I honestly didn't find their experience to be disgusting or incomprehensible. I think they made a decision that was difficult and hard to explain in a blog from half way around the world, which by the way, they didn't have to make public, but felt that sharing their story would help others.

I don't feel that any of us have the right to judge them one way or another. I do feel that they opened themselves up to the support and/or criticism by making their story public and should expect negative feedback, but I don't think bashing their decision on these boards helps anyone, especially others who are in the midst of, or starting the adoption process.

Bottom line, we need to all do our research, be ready for anything, but also know in advance what our "deal breakers" are. If their gut told them that the situation wasn't right, then it was their decision to make.

These boards are supposed to be an oasis for those in the process. An island of support, inspiration, but also information. Not a place to criticize and cast judgement, and not a popularity contest.

[CoatAnnHat]

This family posted pictures of the first Hannah, and said she had been seen by doctors and tested extensively. The tests revealed an infection and developmental delays which is not uncommon in IA children. They were also told she had the potential to be "normal" by these doctors. The baby needed nutrition, attention and love. I saw the pictures, she was small, but certainly not "near death"as they now claim. They state she was curious, happy, smart and it looks like she had pretty good head control in the pictures. This was not a special need adoption. I cant imagine there is any terrible misrepresentation here. This family simply did not want a child that was sickly and didnt fit into their "family dynamics".

[lynda1]

Hi I'm new to this forum. My DH and I adopted our DS from Russia almost 2 years ago. We are now in the process of adopting a DD from China. Our first referrel from Russia did not go well either. From the moment I saw the referrel I know something was wrong, call it gut or mother's instinct but off we went. When we got the the orphanage, we were greatly upset to find the baby we had hoped for was partially blind and deaf. The orphanage failed to give our agency any of this info. No one can imagine the pain, and disapointment we were going through. To be half way around the world, have no family or friends to talk this over with was very difficult for DH and I. The decision we made was one of the hardest decisions we ever had to make. We felt like we were abandoning him just like his birthmother had. We were referred a second child who was a premie at birth and did not walk until he was 20mo old. He is now 21/2 and although he is small for his age, (25 pounds) he is walking and talking. A decision like theirs had to be a hard one, no one knows for sure what can happend unless you have gone through it. I'm sure they made the right decision for them.

[CoatAnnHat]

Lynda,

Not being told a child is partially blind/deaf IS a terrible misrepresentation. That is not the case with this child though.

[angelkisses0102]

When you go into an adoption from a country such as China...YOU should be prepared to parent a child such as was described above. That is a normal child...the normal condition of a child who has not had the greatest start to life.

Anyone who goes into adopting a child, a PI child (they knew the first Hannah was in an orphanage not being...a Foster Care Baby like Hannah #2) should have prepared themselves for dealing with the typical PI issues...small, malnourished, sick, delayed, attachment issues. No one should go in expecting the best case scenario...that is unfair to them, but more importantly the innocent child. Hello people, this was a living breathing child, that they had for 4 days and simply handed back...she is a human being. You are misguided to think this will not have a negitive impact on her...I could care less about the 'parents' here...they were wrong not to have prepared themselves for this possibility...a very real possibility when adopting a PI child.

Everyone who goes into this experience should ask the hard questions upfront...can we handle the worst case scenario? Most times, you will not know who your child is, how they react, what is 'wrong' with them until well after the 'Hannah #1 4 day trial period' these folks used. Most 'issues' don't present themselves until months or years later.

Sorry if you think I am being hard on these tell it like it is writers...but I am telling it like it is...disgusting. If they weren't prepared to parent a child like Hannah #1...they shouldn't have been in a Chinese adoption. This child looked fine...they were told she had the potential to be normal but God forbid she wasn't perfect...she was looking right at the camera while her picture was being taken and POSTED on the web during the 4 day trial period and you could see she had 'something' in her eyes.

I have been in their shoes...have been blessed by 2 imperfect, sick children...one of which is still struggling 2 plus years after bringing him home...my kids would have never made it through their test run period.

IMHO it is beyond disgusting!

[TaraL]

We all say, including me, that we shouldn't judge. However the more I thought about this the more it came to me--they put themselves out there. When you publically announce anything you run the risk of getting judged. That's life unfortunately.

As I may have said before, I have heard of these situations in the past but the babies were so much more severly ill. Still don't know what I would have done but my prayers are with the families that had this happen.

If you read the blog, Hannah was fine the first day. Yes she was small and needed nutrition but could have been fine with alittle TLC. The next day it all changed. I think Hannah realized that she was not going back to her normal environment and went into shut down. This is a normal defense mechanism for IA babies.

There were no "near death" symptoms. I am only going on what I read in the blog.

[BrandyHagz]

How sad that this couple, who made a very personal decision that is within their right to make, has had to lock down their blog due to the attacks prompted by threads like this in various forums on the net.

How sad for everyone...both the couple who is going through this and those who are being so nasty to them because they made a personal decision that worked for their family...

[angelkisses0102]

Originally Posted by BrandyHagz

How sad that this couple, who made a very personal decision that is within their right to make, has had to lock down their blog due to the attacks prompted by threads like this in various forums on the net.

How sad for everyone...both the couple who is going through this and those who are being so nasty to them because they made a personal decision that worked for their family...

I disagree...

...it lost being 'very personal' the moment they posted it on the open web. If you don't want people of an opposite view to disagree with you...don't post it and if you do decide to post...think about how your words will be viewed. If you are too emotional...don't post. No one forced them to update their blog...to post the pictures of Hannah #1 for the whole world to see.

Why is it sad for them? They got their 'perfect' prettier baby...sorry but I can't feel sorry for them or for them being attacked...they chose to do a Chinese adoption, to accept an orphanage baby referral, to get her health reviewed and be told she would be 'normal'...to post it all and then still hand back the damaged goods and get 'A foster care baby' and post it all on the web.

Maybe another lesson in this...don't post to an open blog if you expect everyone to agree with you...if you want to keep your privacy...password protect your blog from the beginning.