[esnyder]

I was just wondering if any of you out there adopting with already having children. If so, how was the process and what steps did you take to make it easier. I worry about jealousy issues. Thanks. Erik

[oleson1]

We have 2 bio boys. They are now 8 and almost 6. When we started the process, they were 6 and 4. They knew about our plans from the beginning. We never wanted them to hear us talking in "hushed" tones and be afraid of what was happening.

They took a lot of ownership in their sister (having 20 months to prepare helps... ). We bought a globe so that they could see where we live and where China is. Every night, we would pray for the people in China. The kids drew pictures and told their friends that they were going to have a little sister.

A lot of the adjustment will depend on the personality of the children you have at home. Our oldest is naturally nurturing, so he has been like a mother hen since Jasmine came home. We were a little more concerned about our younger son because he has been the youngest for so long and LOVES to be the center of attention. He had no problems once she arrived, either since he had been so well prepared. It helped that she is big enough to play and laugh at him.

We told both of our sons that if they ever felt left out or that they weren't getting enough attention, to let us know. Our younger son did just that one night, so he went to Burger King alone with Daddy the next night. Problem solved.

My biggest reccommendation is to include your children in the process and talk about it a lot so that they can express their feelings (the frustration of the wait, especially) throughout the process.

I would be happy to be a sounding bourd if you would ever like to PM me!

[elemomma]

We did alot of the same things that the last poster mentioned. We had our children be extremely involved. We started taking them to functions where there would be other families with Children from China. Our daughter was 5 and our son was 2 when we brought Eleenah home. We prayed as a family for her everyday for almost 2 years. And we let them, as hard as it was pick out everything for her room. They took pride and ownership in it and couldn't wait for her to get here to see it all. I also talked to them about all the potential problems that I could think of. Also, I let them put the paperwork in the envelopes and drop them in the drop boxes. I also, let them be the first to see her pictures, even before me. They were so excited. I also let them show the pictures to everybody instead of me doing it.

During our trip, we had them call us everyday and we journaled our trip on the internet. My mom got up every morning, and the first thing they did was check out our journal. I put special notes on the journal everyday just to them so they would not feel left out. And when we came home, we let Eleenah give gifts to them. We drug that out for about two weeks, so randomly they would get gifts from their sister. There has never been any jealousy, and I am shocked! My son is a definite momma's boy and doesn't ever share me well. But, he love's his sister and it's like she has been here all along.

My best advice is anything that you can let your children do, let them do it! It will pay off in the end!

[odi]

We didn't share with our boys 3 and 5 until we were much farther along in the process. It is a personal choice I just knew they didn't understand the differance between a month long time and a year long time. But when we did share we talked about them getting a sister, It was never about us having a daughter. I didn't find any issues that would not come about when any child is added to the family (adoption or biological). And having their new sister be just over a year old where they could play with her and make her smile was so much easier than worrying about a new born who may not be much fun to the other kids.
We are adopting again and are waiting to talk much about it again. This time they will be 3,5 and 7 (we hope).
Diana

[MBA62]

Our children were four and two when we began paperchasing for our daughter. Our older child knew we were getting Emily from China and that she would be his new sister. Our younger child had no clue until about the time we received our referral, just after her third birthday. We read story books about adoption and travelling to China. Just before our baby came home, I took them shopping to pick out gifts for their new sister, just from them. Honestly, they did just fine. The little one had a little jealousy but we made sure that she had some one-on-one time with mommy or daddy pretty regularly, even if it was some quiet reading/cuddle time. A year later they are a very tight trio. I could not have imagined their adjustment going any better. Good luck!
Mary

[miri]

We returned home 3 and a half weeks ago. We traveled to China with our 6.5 year old daughter, Eliana. She was included in the process and felt the disappointment when the referral didn't come when we hoped it would. She was great in China, but we took turns spending individual time with her while the baby napped. Since we've been home, Eliana has had a harder time adjusting. She has been the only child for a long time and since I've only worked part-time, I have spent a lot of time playing with her, doing art activities, etc. She is also a clingy child and we have had to work on separation issues as far as going to school. She also loves her special routines and sitting on my lap...not as independent as so many her age but we have always believed a child will mature when they are ready. Anyway, she has shown that she is very possessive of her sister, protective of her, and likes to play with her. She also likes to help by picking out her outfits (she tries to pick outfits so they both wear the same color) and feeding her. But she has already said, "You don't love me anymore!" and she has been crying much more easily. One thing we have tried to do is set up a good structure and predictable routine for the summer, with built-in time for Eliana-Mommy and also with Daddy. With Mommy time, it can just be 15 minutes as long as she knows I'm giving her individual time.
I know that all families are different, and that different children react in different ways. One thing we are learning is to remind her we are all in this together, that there have been changes but the changes are good and that of course we love our first daughter as much as we ever did. We have also been firm with discipline as far as inappropriate behaviors. Talking about feelings is great, as long as Eliana doesn't take her frustrations out on her sister which she hasn't.
Eliana is already learning that a sister is a wonderful gift and a lot of fun, too! Good luck to you!