[miri]

Hi everyone,
We have been back from China for 2 weeks and are so happy to have our daughter Carissa. She is a happy little baby, interested and curious about everything. She is not afraid of strangers and would easily go to any Chinese lady while in China (waitress, shopkeeper, etc.) But since we've been home, she generally will want to come back to us when someone else tries to hold her. We feel as if our bond grows stronger with her everyday.
We have heard that attachment experts recommend limiting her exposure to others when you first return so that she will recognize you as her parents. I have even read that you do not let others feed her or hold her until you have been home for 6-8 weeks. We have visits with 2-3 family members at a time and have taken her to the park, the pool, and library story time (she loves being around other kids!!) But my advice to anyone who hasn't traveled yet is to let your family members know that you've been advised to limit the large group exposure for at least 6 weeks as it can be overwhelming to someone adjusting to so many new people and places.
My mother planned a party in Carissa's honor for 3 weeks after we returned. She did not ask for my input because she said it's really a party for her friends because they have been so supportive and can't wait to see the baby. My mother has only seen the baby twice, and during that time she has spent a lot of time with my other daughter who is definitely going through adjustment pains. Now I'm feeling that it seems to silly to have a party for 15-20 people when Carissa doesn't know any of them at this point and I have no idea how she may react.
We have also been invited to a Father's Day lunch at a restaurant with my husband's side of the family, which is about 16 other people besides us. It's 30 minutes away, drive 30 minutes back, then we have 30 minutes before getting in the car for another 30 minutes to meet my family for Father's Day.
I know that I'm lucky to have both families in the same city, but looking at tomorrow I'm feeling a little overwhelmed (even though Carissa may do fine!) Maybe it all has to do with the lack of sleep since our beautiful daughter wakes up at 4, 5, or 6 and is done for the night. I wish I had just said at the beginning "Give us 6 weeks. You can visit us at our house but we are not going to go to any large gatherings until we have given our family more time to bond."
I know there are others who may not agree, but in case you're in the same state as we are, it helps to warn people ahead of time. You can always change your mind after you return!
Miriam

[Ktates]

good advice - I think it's tougher when you have family close by. Sometimes you don't see signs of not being attached until you let the kids out and do more - which is what happened to us. We preped our family ahead of time but it didn't matter unfortunately (at least on DH's side).

But just because you didn't doesn't mean you can't say no to some of these things or not bring your daughter. If you are overwhelmed she probably is too! We had to reign things in after seeing some warning signs and I'm glad we did.

Best of luck and Congrats on your daughter.

[NeshRoo]

Miriam,
This sounds tricky! But the advice you give is appreciated. I hope all goes well for you tomorrow!!

I wonderd what others who have "BTDT" have done...sequestered yourselves away for 2 months, or let family come as they may... Anyone?

I've already been told by my mother that she will be at the airport the second we arrive on US soil...I can't conceive of keeping her away, evern though everything I've read suggests as Miriam mentions, simply waiting if you can. But how hard is that?!!

I wish you luck, either way you play it!! And wow am I jealous.

[KarenInCa]

I think it depends on 3 things.
How old the child is when s/he is adopted
How the child responds to strangers
How you repsond to her responding to strangers

That being said, we brought Cady home when she was 17 months old. She was bonded with her nanny as if she were Cady's mother. She was used to only being with one caregiver, therefore it was easy to attach to only us. She is very much aware of her own space and "allows" others to enter her space.
It was possible that she might not have been able to distinguish between her parents (caregivers) and others when we started spending time with others, and we had to watch for those signs. We waited 1 week before DH took her to work, which wasn't very long, but she did well. She used caution when she approached others. He held her for most of the time, and via her queues, she would to others when he made her feel comfortable about it.
I think anyone that's going to be a constant presence in her life was fine to be introduced to early on, like a grandparent that lives near by, or in our case, our best friends that live a few miles away, and are her Godparents. But others, even well meaning relatives, we were cautious to make sure she came back to us before going to someone else.
In our estimation, it was crutial that if she was going to be with strangers early on, we would hand her to that person that she didn't know yet, then that person handed her back to us, before going into someone elses arms. For me, that was more important than anything else.
My biggest fear was that Cady would not be able to know her own personal space, and that she would go to anyone's lap as she got older. It is a warranted fear, and should not be taken lightly as many of our children have spent most of their known lives, prior to adoption, in the care of several people at various times.
Take into account your child's personality, and always make sure she knows she has to have approval from you to go to someone.

[TaraL]

It definitely depends on the child however we had no problems with Olivia attaching at all. I was extremely close to my maternal grandparents growing up so I guess I just figured it would be the same with Olivia. We had our immediately family at the airport and they all got to hold Olivia. She was 13 mos old and she was fine with it as long as she could see John or I. I am very close to me parents and am an only child. They live about 10 minutes away. I couldn't have ever kept them away as they were completely in love with Olivia and were so supportive of us. Yes they allowed us to do most of the care giving but they were here all the time and were very helpful. Once we got our sleep patterns down they were here alittle less but still very much around. I have never regreted this. Especially since my father, who retired early, is our nanny now. My daughter adores you Pop and he just idolizes his granddaughter. I was off for 6 mos before returning to work and it was hard. Knowing that Olivia and my dad were close made it easier.

As for other people coming to visit we did it occassionally but I have to say that Olivia has always loved company so she can entertain. And when she got tired she curled right up on mom and dad.

There is no doubt, at 2.5 years old, who Olivia's parents are. She is very bonded to us. We could see that there wasn't going to be a problem when we were in China. If we thought differently we probably would have lessened her time with others but I don't think we would have a whole lot.

We are hoping to go back for #2 and from what i hear the second one is the complete opposite usually from the first so who knows. It all depends on the child.

[MissyAmomChina]

Hi,

Great thread. I agree that this is going to vary from chld to child/family to family.

In my opinion, preparing your family for the possibility of your child having attachments needs is wise. But I'd also balance that with you reading your child and situation once they are home.

In our case, we have 10 family members who are geographically and emotionally very close to us. We prepared our family for needs our child could have etc and they were very open and supportive. Our family did visit us those first few weeks home (when we invited them over) and it was a positive experience. We didn't have all 10 over at once. And I firmly believe that our daughter did well with everyone because they let Lilianna interact with them on HER terms. So, people didn't scoop Lilianna right up etc--which worked well for our daughter's personality. She was very interested and interactive with people right from the start. But she liked interacting from the comfort and security of her mama's and dada's arms or lap. So, by letting her come to them, things progressed very smoothly. I am extremely thankfull our family was so good with her and I believe that's why she has such a great relationship with everyone now.

I also found that in the first few days home, Lilianna loved being out and about. She liked seeing the world--again from the security of our arms or her stroller. This was very helpfull when it came to getting over that time change issue.

I do believe that my husband and I did all the primary caretaking (feeding, changing etc) for the first months home. I didn't make it a hard and fast rule--just sort of how things evolved.

Ultimately, I think being prepared for taking things slowly is good. I also think that you'll be able to read your child and decide what works for them.

Take care,
Melissa

[Shelley]

We had a bit of a sticky situation when we returned from Korea with our first daughter. My MIL stayed with our older children and picked us up from the airport, but My Mom had made plans to come see us without clearing the dates with us and planned her arrival the day we returned. the one good thing about my Mom is she's not a baby person. Sometimes I wonder how she ever birthed and raised 4 children. I did have to hold both MIL and my Mom off at the airport so our sons could hold and see Emma first.
Also as a surpise my MIL had planned a shower for us a week after returning home. It was overwhelming for us. We were exhausted but didn't have any choice. My MIL kept taking Emma off and giving her to people, and I finally had to put my foot down and take her back. Other than my mom, we had little company those first weeks home.
Before I traveled to China in Jan, my mom mentioned something about coming to see us right after we got home, but I told her NO up front. My MIL was going to be her with my DH and other children so she had a right to be here, but I was not having a houseful of company this time around. Mainly because Sizhen is 4 yrs old and I didn't know how she was going to react. We didn't really go any where that first month home, other than the park and it worked for us. I know I hurt my Mom's and my sisters feelings, but as I explained to my sister, this wasn't about them. it was about the welfare of our daughter. You really just have to do what is right for you and your family.
I wish I had held my ground with our first daughters arrival, but I was unsure and worried about hurting feelings, this time I wasn't. Goodluck, Shelley

[miri]

Just to let everyone know, Carissa seemed to do fine yesterday during the large family get-togethers. I was a little uncomfortable, however, when she was picked up and whisked away by an aunt, followed by a cousin, followed by another aunt. I know these family members meant well and would have thought I was rude if I had said, " I would rather that you don't pick her up right now!" That's why I think it's better to let people know in advance, maybe by posting attachment advice from experts on your blog, and definitely by limiting these situations for the first 6-8 weeks to give your immediated family time to bond. Also, it turns out the day was a little overwhelming for our biological daughter who ended up the day with a big meltdown. Carissa had only had about 30-minutes of napping in the car between events and was also crying by the end of the day, but Eliana is definitely needing extra time adjusting to her new sister before being bombarded by so many aunts and uncles and older cousins, all asking how she likes her new sister.
So again, give your family the time you need!
Hope everyone else had a great Father's Day!

[oleson1]

When we came home, we had our 2 boys, all of my family, and some close family friends meet us at the airport. We had warned everyone that she had some issues coming to me, so she may be afraid at first.

Long story short, as soon as we got off the plane, she went right to my mom. (Clearly, word was out that grandma likes to spoil the grandkids... ) Since our boys are so close to my family, and the friends who came are like family to us, we wanted Jasmine to be around them to get comfortable. She had no problems whatsover.

I really think that it depends on the child. Jasmine has become an incredibly social child in the 2 months that we have been home. She loves the attention that she gets from everyone. Also, there is no question that she knows we are her parents.

It doesn't hurt to warn those that you love that your child may need time alone to adjust, but there isn't any hard and fast rule. If you have a social child, like mine, it would be unfortunate to limit exposure to other people for such a long time if it isn't necessary.

[looneytunes32]

This is a great topic, for someone like me who hasn't BTDT yet. Great tips and thoughts! Thanks for posting it!

[chinagirl2006]

Karen - Love the Wheee video - she likes to boogie down! How cute! Where did you get that piano?

[sak9645]

My daughter, 18.5 months old at adoption, bonded well to me in China. She also proved to be a flexible, relaxed, happy, and very social child. However, she had many minor illnesses -- bronchitis, sinusitis, pinkeye, two ear infections, and scabies. And I picked up bronchitis and an ear infection.

Before going to China, I had told everyone that we would "cocoon" for the first two weeks home, and not to plan visits or parties until after that time. This turned out to be a good idea for several reasons:

1. I'm glad we had nixed the idea of an airport party, as our flight was delayed for several hours, and we wound up getting to the airport after midnight. Becca wound up arriving home in pajamas, as she had vomited on one set of clothes and pooped on another during the trip. She was also ill and very light on sleep, though in her usual sunny mood. I was, on the other hand, not in a sunny mood; I was pretty much a zombie. I had not slept in almost 48 hours, as Becca kept me up all night the night before we left Hong Kong, and I didn't sleep a wink on the airplanes. We were definitely not ready for prime time!

2. Both Becca and I needed time to get over our medical issues. By the end of one week, we were through with most of them, thanks to our doctors, who saw us the day we arrived. However, Becca's sinusitis wound up not responding to the first antibiotic she was given, and it took a second week for that to clear up.

3. Jet lag was a real bear. I was so sleep deprived the first day, that I took cabs to our doctors' appointment, because I knew I'd be a menace if I tried driving! And things didn't get much better for almost a week. Despite having been an excellent sleeper in China, Becca wouldn't fall asleep till well after 11 p.m., and would awaken at 5 a.m., ready to play. And, despite having napped beautifully in China, she dozed in fits and starts. As a result, we were both acutely sleep deprived for about five days. That night, we finally fell into bed at 7 p.m. and slept through to 7 a.m., and felt so much better!

4. I needed to SHOP. Becca turned out to be much smaller and thinner than her paperwork suggested. She weighed only 17 lb. at 18.5 months of age. Very few of the clothes I had bought for her fit. And she had a pencil-thin foot that required narrow width shoes that were hard to find. (To this day, we use a boutique that has lots of narrow width shoes, even though it's more expensive than most stores.) In addition, Becca proved to be a very picky eater, with some feeding issues. She wouldn't eat most of what I had stocked up on. So most of our trips outside of our "cocoon" were for clothes and food.

5. I knew that I had to go back to work in six weeks. So I needed to get all sorts of things done before then, and that meant time without a lot of social engagements. I needed to pick a daycare center, since the one I wanted to use was still full. I needed to prepare and send out adoption announcements. I needed to take Becca to the dentist, since she had ten teeth. And so on.

5. Although Becca was well bonded and social, it seemed really important to me to spend two solid weeks at home, with her, just getting to know her, establishing routines, and so on. Becca definitely knew I was Mommy, but she also had some definite ideas on what a Mommy should do. For example, she refused to feed herself anything except bread/cake/dry cereal and milk products, although she had good fine motor skills and could use a spoon. I definitely wanted to meet her needs, so I fed her until she felt secure enough to let me take a break. This went on well beyond the first two weeks.

We didn't totally cocoon, of course. When we walked to the playground, we often met neighbors and stopped to chat briefly, especially when I saw that Becca was neither afraid of strangers nor inappropriately friendly. And one day, when our travels took us to a building where a cousin worked, we stopped in to see her, making her the first relative to actually meet my daughter. (Becca doesn't have any living grandparents, and I don't have siblings.)

But basically, we just enjoyed being a family for two weeks. It was great.

Once the two weeks were over, we began meeting and greeting in earnest. We went to baby showers, including one where the mostly elderly people from my religious study group gave Becca an enormous amount of attention, not to mention gifts. She absolutely loved the attention -- as long as she could keep me in sight -- and even let one of the older women feed her yogurt.

We also had a baby naming ceremony at our synagogue after Becca's conversion to Judaism. Becca screamed through the portion of the naming in which she was up on the bimah (stage or pulpit) with me, but had a blast at the Oneg Shabbat (reception) afterwards. A few of the people from our travel group came to the naming, and she loved seeing her "buddies" -- including one little girl who picked that occasion for taking her first steps unassisted.

And, of course, we began visiting relatives and friends and having them visit us. By the time our social worker came for Becca's first post-placement visit, she was more than ready to meet our social worker and show off the fact that she absolutely loved having a Mommy and being an American girl.

The arrangements I made worked well for us. However, I would have changed them in a heartbeat if Becca had been another type of child. If she had been fearful and "anxiously attached", or if she had been unable to distinguish between Mother and Other, I would probably have told folks to hold off on gatherings even longer. In fact, I might have tried to extend my parental leave or even quit my job if my employer wasn't receptive, in order to spend more time on attachment issues.

Sharon

[KarenInCa]

Hi Amy..
Thanks. Cady loves to dance, and she has some fairly decent moves. We want to get her into hip hop class after she turns three. Sometimes she turns it on and just starts grooving to it while DH and I are watching TV at night...so cute.
The piano is from KB Toys. It was $39 not on sale. But we've had it for over a month, and she tackles that thing constantly, without it breaking. She LOVES it. It has a volume control as well (for us...heh). There are different beats and rhythms that she can choose from, it's kind of like a Cassio for toddlers. She likes the samba beat the best..and likes to make the tempo fast to dance. It also has a great feature, if she leaves it playing, it puts itself into sleep mode after ...I think 3 minutes.
The only things we don't like about it, is that the round stool sits a bit low, and it is obviously made of a hard plastic, but it's remarkably sturdy. And, hey...for 39 bucks, I'm not complaining. We've certainly gotten our money's worth in just the one month.
Even though you don't have your referral yet, this is a great addition to the toys while you wait.

[janet1352]

I had a similar experience with my Mom throwing a big birthday party for Julia three weeks after we returned from China. It was tough for me because I knew Julia was uncomfortable and yet I wanted to be gracious. I made it through the party of close to 50 people. I have pictures of Julia grimacing in the arms of other people. I remember being socially unavailable as all my attention was focused on my little girl. I suppose you can call the whole thing off. Or struggle through knowing others want to see you and your beautiful new addition. Good Luck and keep us posted on the outcome!

[miri]

Hi everyone, Thanks for the great comments and feedback! Just wanted to let you know that we had our Welcome Carissa party at my mom's house yesterday, and everything went fine. There were about 15-20 people, but while waiting for guests to arrive my mother entertained her friends in the den while we were in the living room. Everyone greeted the baby but no one asked to hold her....it was just me and my sisters in the living room with the baby mostly until we sat down for brunch and then we were at a table and the only thing Carissa cared about was food. I'm not sure if my mother briefed her friends about not trying to pick up the baby or overwhelm her, but since I had told her about the weekend before where lots of relatives were whisking her away I think she may have talked to her friends beforehand. Overall, things were calm and relaxed and everyone was so impressed by how happy and adjusted Carissa seemed to be. The only downside of the day was that my 6-year-old daughter chose not to come to the party. My mother decided to give her the option after the overwhelming Father's Day, and she opted out of meeting a lot of strangers ...and also because I don't think she was ready for a party for Carissa just yet. I think if you have another sibling you should also keep that in mind in planning parties for the new baby so soon after coming home. She loves playing with her and is already very possessive of her, but she can also melt down in a minute about how we love Carissa more than her. In another month I know she would have handled it much better!

Sharon, I love your comments about having a 2-week "cocoon" when you come back. We definitely didn't do that, and even though we had visits with only a few people at a time we had visitors every day.

Also, Sharon, I'm wondering when your daughter finally settled into a normal sleep routine? Now we've been back 3 weeks and Carissa is still waking up in the middle of the night wide awake, ready to play. A really good night would be sleeping from 10 to 6 without waking up in between, and that's only happened a few times. Also, she's not taking consistent naps- if she gets 10 minutes in the car or stroller she will not go down for a nap when we get home. She's probably getting 30 minutes during the day and 6-8 hours at night! That's not enough for 17 month old, or for us!!!
Otherwise, our daughter is adjusting so well, is happy, easygoing, and we are so happy to have her home.