[esnyder]

I am sure someone out there has a story like this...I am having trouble convincing my wife about adoption. Her main concern seems to be not having that in utero connection with the baby, we have 2 biological children. Me, being the father, never had that connection. My first real came in the toddler years. I'm not saying that I had no connections with my infants, but it's just not the same as a breastfeeding mother. I'm not asking for any coercion tactics, I'm just wondering if this happened to anyone out there and what happened. Hoping to adopt....

[Happy2Bhere]

I have never had a biological child, but the SECOND my daughter was placed in my arms- she was my daughter. We are bonded like super glue, and I never once give it one ounce of a thought that she isn't 100% mine. Adoption is such a wonderful blessing. Plus, no mourning sickness, labor pains & weight gain :-)
Best wishes!
Melissa

[hirsh mom]

You know, it's funny but I bonded with my adopted daughter quicker than I did with my bio son. I had a rough pregnancy followed by a colicky baby for 3 1/2 months. Ben and I didn't immediately "bond"- it took a few months. With Lily, I felt a connection right away. It didn't matter one whit to me that I hadn't carried Lily with me in utero for nine month. The connection was real and immediate. Good Luck!

Lorie

[Bailee2001]

Hi, for me it came down to answering this question: did I want to be pregnant or did I want to be a mother? The answer came easily that I wanted to be a mother regardless of how the child came into my life. Good luck to you!

[wanttobe]

As a breastfeeding mama, I can tell you my bond with my son is very strong. Yet our daughters picture is on the refrigerater, and every day I see her face I find my heart more hers. It is different but each of my relationships to my children 21, 20, 19, 16, 9, 1yr is different, but my love is strong. If you are a praying man, that is where I'd begin.

dana

[happynifer]

we had the opposite problem-i wanted to adopt, my husband wanted to keep trying for a biological child. he was afraid he couldn't love a child that was not his, but he finally came around after talking to other adoptive dads. and i refused to give myself any more injections for fertility treatments.....
now we are both excited about our new daughter and can't wait until we get our referral

[Trace7]

One way I like to look at it is that you love your spouse with all of your heart and have bonded with them, you you aren't biologically related to them.......

[Happy2Bhere]

I was talking to my sister about this link- she laughed & said "Yeah, you bonded with Annabelle the SECOND you laid eyes on her" Which was true.
Anyway- we were talking about how you love your spouse & you aren't biologically related. Then she brought up a story about a baby being switched at birth (God forbid!) and how when the moms find out- they have a hard time deciding what to do- biological, or the child they've loved for XX months.
I used to run a daycare, just seeing the kids everyday- I bonded with them, and they were in my heart, and that was just 7-8 hours a day.
Children are such a miracle! They aren't hard to love :-)

[Lissa]

One of the most beautiful parts of this experience has been that I have shared everything with my partner. Russell has gone through everything with me. The pain of waiting (especially the post referal wait when our travel was delayed.) The fear of losing Lydia when our travel was cancelled by the Travel Agency in a processing error just 30 hours prior to our departure time. And most importantly the joy of every hurdle jumped was shared. She is 100% OUR BABY because we both held her in our hearts for 18months prior to holding her in our arms for the rest of our lives.
It's hard to imagine I could ever love anyone as much as I love Lydia. She is my world and I am totally, completely in love.

[oleson1]

I can totally relate. I was just like your wife. DH and I have 2 bio boys. DS #2 was born with a congenital heart defect (that was surgically repaired) and I was diagnosed with a seizure disorder shortly thereafter.

We were advised not to have any more children. We were told that I might not live through another pregnancy, and if I did, there would most likely be major birth defects in my unborn child.

We really wanted another child, but the risks were too great. I needed time to "grieve" the loss of my fertility. DH compiled all the information on adoption so that it would be available when I was ready.

I, too, had concerns about bonding with a child I didn't carry. I am here to tell you, I bonded with Jasmine with no problems whatsoever. I journaled during the whole process so that I could feel connected to her. As soon as we received our referral, she was mine. I knew that I could pick her out of the 3 billion people in China if I needed to. As soon as I held her, it was as if we had always been together (on my part anyway, she wasn't so sure of me for a few days...).

Good luck -- you can invite your wife to check out this forum, as well if she would like to talk to any of us!

[Norsk]

I have two bio sons, both which I love with all my heart.
It took me however almost 6 weeks before I had that feeling with my oldest one. My second one -it came right away.
People who have been answering your thread have been exclusively convincing that -It will be love at first sight, but personally, I have also read stories about parents who say that it took them a little while to "get used to" being a mother. -After a little time bonding together they have however become harmonious loving families.
Since you allready have kids and know that kids have positive and negative sides to them, but that you love them no matter what, you probably wont have any problems with the connection. It is also possible to have the same emotional rollercoaster feelings for an adoption process as for a pregnancy (and some women who have kids from before also start getting milk again when they meet their adoptive kids)
My mother said: Many women can give birth, but it doesn't automatically turn them into mothers..

Maybe talking to and meetig other families with both biological and adopted children could help? Maybe there are social gatherings that you could be a part of in the adoption community?

[jdr233]

I feel the same way as Sandy. I had an intense desire to parent a child, not necessarily that same desire to "have a child". It was a journey for me to come to that realization. Your wife may need time to resolve her feelings. Getting exposed to other adoptive parents, going to an FCC event, telling her about the boards so she can express her own fears are all good steps to take...

Jennifer
chinanybaby.blogspot.com

[odi]

I have two bio boys whom I breastfed and an adopted daughter who came into our family at 14 months old. I can tell you without any hesitation I am equally bonded to all three. Bonding is a choice just as parenting is a choice. With each event and each day it becomes easier. I have not bonded with any of them the first moment. My first son was taken to the NICU for the first 5 days of his life. I was only allowed to hold him for one minute before they took him away. My second son never left my side but maybe it's just my personality to warm up to people.
I have learned that mothering has much more to do with being there. Sometimes that starts in utero sometime it dosen't. I look at it as being a verb (action) not a noun (object).
As for your wifes questions I would find someone who has both bio and adopted kids or just adopted kids that she could talk to. That will go much farther to helping her. You are welcome to PM me.
Diana

[SingleMama2B]

Talking from a woman's point of view, that cannot have her own biological child, I just knew that I would love a child that needed a mommy! As soon as I saw my DD (almost 8 years old) for the first time, I knew it. Granted, I was soooooo scared... wondering if I could really be a GOOD Mom for her, if she would accept me, and someday Love me as her Mom, etc. I can honestly say, YES TO EVERYTHING. My sister and BIL have to biological children, and adopted their DD (#2) 2 weeks after I did, and my sister had the same fear(s). Even though her DD#2 was a large behavior challenge, she loves her with all of her heart! She did tell me, that it is slightly different, but not alot. She could not imagine not having her! It has been 14 months since she is home, and you can't tell the difference between the 3 kids AT ALL!!! It's amazing.

[amanda_p]

I was in the same situation as happynifer. My husband wasnt sure if he would bond with an adopted child. We both bonded very very fast. It was love at first sight with our son. I dont have any biological children, but I cant imagine loving them anymore then I love my son. Adoption is just the best thing ever!