[kretzklan]

I agree that it's a dream come true if you bond intensely and immediately with your child through adoption. But, from someone who has been there (and is still growing each day) it does not always happen. Be sure to really listen to your wife - this is NOT a small issue or a little hurdle to jump. You want to be sure that she is 100% convinced that she can care for another child and wants to do that. I do believe love will grow...but I think naivety is a bad thing in this department. It does not happen for everyone the first minute or day or week or month or year...

Think about your reaction to her if it doesn't happen. Can you support both your new child, your sons (I think you said you have boys) and your wife if she doesn't fall in love immediately? Can you support her in a way that doesn't feel like you are choosing your new child over her? It's a fine line somedays at my house and we've been home more than 6 months.

I'm not trying to be a downer...but I know that this is incredibly hard for my husband to understand and I went into the adoption full head and heart on.

[Mandy4President]

Popping in from the Guat board...

What a great thread! My pregnancies were horrible and I did not bond to any of my children right away. Usually when I say that people give me that "I can't believe you just said that" look. Well, it was true. Do I love my kids now? Of course, more than anything. So much that after my hysterectomy when my husband said "I wish we could have had one more" I thought about adoption.

My husband, however, wasn't so keen to the idea. So here were our choices. We could adopt or we could use a surrogate. So I looked into surrogacy. Totally expensive and at the end the Mother has to do a "step-parent" adoption from the surrogate. I went WHAT?!? I would adopt as a step-parent? My husband was not keen on this either, even though biologically the child would be his. So we decided that if we were going to have another child that it would be adoption. When I talk to a lot of people who cannot have children about adoption they all say "I'm not to that point yet" (literally, in those words). I think that's fine, you need to be comfortable with your choice. But when it comes down to it, it is between having your child and being a parent...and trust me, I love the PICTURE of my little guatling as much as I love my other children (I have yet to meet my little princess)...there is nothing that can compare and no feeling that can compare to being a parent, no matter where the child comes from.

Besides..has anyone mentioned the complete UPSIDE to adopting?!? NO PREGNANCY AND NO CHILDBIRTH!!!

[odi]

I always tell people I will take the trip to China over the trip to the hospital any day! And the food was much better!!!!
Diana

[KarenInCa]

I can tell you my own experiences. I have a bio son, now 22 yrs old. I also had 3 step children at the time he was born, ranging in age at that time from 2 yrs to 5 yrs old. Bonding with my step children was difficult because every time we would have a break through, their mother would remind them, quite harshly, that I am not "related" to them.
When my husband and I decided to adopt, I also had a fear that it would be hot and cold with our daughter as having a step child was experienced for me. However, even though I became very close to my step children, this feels much more solid. The feelings I have for her are NO different than having my bio son was/is.
I do want to caution though, that unlike others who have told their stories of love at first sight upon referrals, mine was not. I felt very much linked up with our child while we were waiting for referral. I longed to know who she was. But because there is nothing to give a clue what she will look like, I was expecting a giggly, happy lookng baby. What the referral picture revealed was a serious on-looker. She had character and she had personality shining through her referral pictures, but she was not giggly. The moment I saw her referral, I (shockingly) felt as if I was looking at someone that I didn't know any more. However, the bonding started at that moment, and by the time we received our daughter in our arms 6 weeks later, the feeling of love for her was stronger than ever. The feelings on Gotcha day were very similar to giving birth to my son. Cady's been home for almost 3 months now, and it feels as if she has been with me forever. I can honestly say that I feel no less bonded to her than I do with my bio son.
Keep in mind, adoption is a very personal choice, and it sounds as if your wife is the (bigger) nurturer in your household while they're younger. Your wife will need to feel comfortable about wanting to adopt before jumping into something this big. Sometimes the feelings can be scary with adoption, and if someone is not ready to experience the feelings, (like what I described at referral for me), then it might feel like something she's forced into doing.
I'm sure there are some books on bonding expectations and experiences with adoption.

[MBA62]

We have two bio children as well as our child adopted from China. While we always said we would adopt children, I had this secret fear that I would not fall in love with our adopted child like I did with our bio children. I remember tell my Mother this and she just laughed. She said "If you weren't going to fall in love with this child, you would never be going through this whole (adoption) process". That made my fears vanish because I realized I already loved her. What was missing was having her in my arms. I can honestly say that I did fall in love with her the second I saw her. To me, in that moment, she was the most beautiful baby I'd ever seen. She didn't feel the same way mind you but a year later it's mutual. We bonded very well and she is just a wonderful little girl.

Good luck to you both.

[Katia555]

My husband had the very same concern. He has a bio son from a previous marriage and wasn't sure if he could love an adopted child just as much. Now, six months after our return from China, he tells our friends: "Having both a biological and an adopted child, I can tell you with absolute conviction that the feelings of love are the exact same. There is no difference."