[smbcpc]

I know that many adopting parents who have their baby back from China get a lot of insensitive questions about the adoption, but have any of you experienced questions that you found insensitive due to your infertility problem?

I had a miserable Saturday after going to Macy's to buy a mother's day gift at one of the cosmetics counters. Everything went well until I paid and was ready to leave. But no! The salesperson had to ask one last question: "So, when is your baby due?". Baby? I said. The second stupid thing she said in response was "I'm sorry, I thought I saw a bump on you". I was so shocked and responded: "I'm not pregnant, I'm just fat". I could tell that it made her feel very bad, but not nearly as bad as I felt.

We have tried to conceive for so long and had several miscarriages that what she said really hurt. I am not really overweight, and I mean no disrespect to anyone who is, but I do have a slightly bulging tummy, partly due to posture and partly because I don't exercise enough. But I would never ask someone a question like this unless I was absolutely sure they were pregnant. Sorry for venting so much. I still get annoyed when I think about this.

[Threekids4me]

Hi!
I am sorry you had such a jerk for a sales person!

I think the comedian Ron White said it best, "Ya can't cure stupid!" Sounds like this woman definatly has a terminal case ....

You can vent anytime, hugs to you.

[NeshRoo]

smbcpc - I can identify. The first thing people tend to ask me once I've told them we're adopting is "well can't you have one of your own?".

I hope you're feeling better now. Being here on the boards makes me feel that I'm in this with someone! And often it's a bunch of someones!!

[roseofchina]

Hey...vent away! You've got some good listeners on this board. I am overweight and have struggled with this all my life. We never knew the real reason(s) for our infertility but I always had a feeling (even when I was in high school) that I'd never be able to give birth. Don't know why...just did...but I've always talked about adopting! Anway...when we announced our adoption plans, I had someone to say to me: "Yes, I've heard that being overweight can cause you not to conceive." There...I was being blamed. Oh well....perhaps she was right. But I've have the most beautiful, smartest little girl now that I wouldn't trade for anything! And by the way...I'm still overweight! Hang in there!

[wannabamom]

Sue,
I'm sooooo very sorry with that lady's question!!!!!!- That was really, very very insensitive, and even rude!!!!!!!! I just can't imagine what you went through!! I've had 4 M/Cs myself, and am a little stout, with a li'l tummy, and last year when I went thru' this IF Tx, I was soooooo fat, and everybody thought I was PG, even after I M/C!!! -So, I know how that hurts!!! And last weekend, we went to a store to buy something for the baby, when we get a referral, and someone asked me "How many weeks are you????" And I was soooo taken aback, I didn't know what to say, and could have kicked myself for not saying, we're adopting!!! But, people can be very insensitive, and downright rude sometimes, and some don't even care!!!! I've been so depressed after my IF diagnosis for the last 12 years, and so, get hurt very easily!!!! Again, I'm so sorry, but you know you can vent away here anytime!!! Hope you feel better soon, because we understand what it's to go thru'!!!
Take care,

[brandydawn]

Don't hang me but while I think she put her foot in her mouth I don't think the woman is stupid or insensitive.

I also have a bit of a tummy, that is my own doing because I choose not to diet or exercise. I am sure it hurt, it would have hurt me too but it's not her fault.

She had good intentions, she thought you were pregnant. She doesn't know you or your history with fertility.


People can't go through life walking on egg shells around strangers because they don't know their life history.

If I offer a drink to a recoveriing alcoholic am I stupid because I didnt' know?

I do think you have every right to feel the way you do, you know what you have been through and the process you are going through is just as emotional. I just don't think it is fair to stone the innocent person who made what she thought was a general comment in conversation.

Just my opinion.

Regards,
Brandy

[smbcpc]

Brandy,

While you are entitled to your opinion, I completely disagree with you. Sensitivity has a lot to do with trying not to hurt people's feelings. If you look at a woman and wonder to yourself "Is she pregnant or isn't she", wouldn't it be better to keep your mouth shut in order not to say something that may hurt someone's feelings? It is not about being offended because someone has a tummy for whatever reason. The point is feeling awful because you suffer from infertility and some person who doesn't know you makes assumptions about something that brings back painful feelings.

As far as your example about offering a drink to a recovering alcoholic. First of all I would know if any of my friends was a recovering alcoholic, and second I wouldn't offer a drink to a stranger. Would you?
It is not considered walking on eggs shells, it is called "TACT".

Sue

[jnr]

Sue,

Why would you rip Brandy's head off for offering a different opinion then yours? If you don't want to hear other opions, don't throw your story out here!!!

Face it, the store worker made a mistake!!! I bet she is more embarresed than you are mad. Move on!! We have all heard those kinds of comments. I think her statement about the drink and egg shells were right on the mark!!

JnR

[smbcpc]

JnR (your name?),

I did not "rip anyone's head off" and I did not "throw my stories out here" (I posted my story). I stated my feeling and opinion but obviously not nearly as aggressively as you did. I suggest that you get over your anger for everyone's sake. I moved on...

Sue

[jnr]

Funny, because I disagree with you I have an anger problem? Take a look in the mirror, you blew up over a mistake by a store worker.

My point was you seem to have a problem with anyone that does not completely agree with you

Have a great day!

[smbcpc]

LOL!!! Figures you would say that.

Thank you to everyone here who offered their support. I truly appreciate it.

Have a great weekend everyone! I know I will.

[Threekids4me]

Wow! What happened here?

A member came here for a little support after a bad day and it turned into an a discussion about how enlightened SHE was about other peoples intentions.

Everyone has had someone say something that hurt them, even if it was unintentional. I don't believe Sue ever stated that this salesperson was "out to get her" by saying something she knew to be untrue. I am sure the lady had good intentions, yet her remark was really ignorant and hurtful to Sue.

I don't see where Sue "ripped" any opinions- if the saleslady posts here about her bad day and putting her foot in her mouth I will tell her I am sorry SHE had a bad day, too..........

[happynifer]

wow, take it down a notch.....

i agree that while i can empathize that the salesperson's comments made you feel like crap, she is not a bad person for making them. yes, she put her foot in her mouth, but she really thought you were pregnant and was excited for you. i've had the same thing happen when i was bloated from fertility treatments (and have had 3 m/c).
people love babies and weddings. total strangers get all excitied about these things for some reason. when i am out buying baby stuff now and get curious looks or comments, i just turn them into something positive by telling them we are adopting.
i'm sure that woman at macy's feels absolutely terrible enough all by herself, and nothing you could have said would have made her feel any worse. but, if you had told her the truth (no i am not pg but we are adopting) you could have made her feel a little better.i guess i look at it that people don't make comments like that to make me feel bad, they do it because they want to be excited for us. so i give them a reason to be excited (we are afterall expecting our first baby, just not the traditional way).

[jaenelle]

One thing I learned was to never say anything to a woman about a pregnancy unless she says flat out that she is pregnant. People get into a lot of trouble assuming things.

While I don't think the saleslady deserves to be labeled as stupid, I do think she would have been better off keeping her mouth shut unless she knew for sure.

Anyway, I'm sorry your feelings are hurt. I've never been through infertility (DH and I just decided to go straight to adoption without trying to get pregnant, because I'm not willing to go off my birth control pills) but I have been through the pain of wanting a child and not having one. Still there, actually. So I do know that part of it sucks.

*hugs*

[brandydawn]

Wow, didn't mean to turn this into a thread of hostility.

I don't think my post was unsupportive, in fact I agreed that Sue was entitled to feel the way she did. I also agreed the Sales lady put her foot in her mouth. It just seemed amid the support it turned into labeling someone as stupid and insensitive....my point was only that we need to take a step back and realize we have all said "stuipid" things along the way without ill intention and we should understand when someone else makes a similar mistake (though we dont' have to like it).

I think we should all be able to vent no matter the situation as we all have our stories of frustration with a variety of things trying to bring our children home.

We are all adults and either mothers now or soon to be mothers. We need to set examples for our children so they can grow to be mature and nuturing individuals.

Hope everyone has a happy mother's day...even if your child isn't home you should celebrate as you are a mommy to be!

Regards,
Brandy