[jrwall68]

My wife and I have been home with our daughter Alice since last September and yesterday was the first time I was asked one of those "uncomfortable" questions.

I was registering for a social security number for Alice and the woman who was helping me asked quite bluntly, "How much did your adoption cost?"

I didn't know how to answer...None of your business came to mind!

It's no secret that adoption is expensive. And had she spent 2 minutes on line she would have known. But, I still didn't feel like answering.

What should I have said?

[oleson1]

I feel that if people are asking because they are honestly considering adopting from China, I am happy to tell them.

That isn't usually the case, though, so usually give them a "one-liner" back. Like,

"A ton, but she is SO worth it" -- to the point

"Enough that we can only afford to eat Ramen noodles now. LOL" -- brings me back to my broke college days

"The home equity line of credit paid our expenses, but being her mother is PRICELESS" -- I watch too much TV, because I am using Master Card commercials as come-backs

"I can't answer that right now, my husband is listening and I still haven't told HIM!" -- gets a laugh from DH, anyway!

[Paul&Dee]

A good answer to that question would be "I'm sorry we don't discuss our finances with strangers"
or In public
Paul

[StorkWatcher]

Or you can always just say, "Why do you ask?" This can help weed out the nosy people from the ones who are wondering for personal reason (such as they have family or friends trying to find out more about adoption or are contemplating it themselves).

If they say they just wondered, then I like Paul's answer above!

[CoatAnnHat]

I LOVE the "Why do you ask?" response. This works well in many different situations. (I have an autistic son and get intruding questions a lot, this helps weed out the people who are honestly looking for information from those who are just casually asking)

Another response I have heard was "Well, she was free, it was the shipping and handling that broke the bank!"

[smbcpc]

LOL!! I love the answer "She was free, it was the shipping and handling that broke the bank". Good one!
It is unbelievable how nosy some people are.
Another answer I can think of "I'll tell you how much we spent if you tell us what your salary is and when your last raise was". This should take care of it.

[ManyTimesBlessed]

I've also heard people say "It cost about as much as a hospital birth and medical care would have cost if we didn't have insurance".


I loved the one about the shipping and handling!

[Momof2boysinOH]

I guess I'm in the minority because I've been asked repeatedly by people I meet how much our adoption is going to end up costing us and I don't have a problem answering. Without hesitation I told the receptionist at my doctor's office because she told me she has 2 baby boys and has always wanted a daughter. I figured she wanted to know the costs involved for future reference.

I think the "why do you ask?" response is the best way to deal with it.

[SofiasMom]

At least she didn't ask you how much your daughter costs.

I use the standard "Why do you ask?" and if they're interested in adoption, I tell them to call my agency.

For every insensitive question I've gotten, my daughter has gotten at least five. She's 6 now and just learning how to deal with it.

[oleson1]

Originally Posted by CoatAnnHat

Another response I have heard was "Well, she was free, it was the shipping and handling that broke the bank!"

I love that!!! LOL!!!

[NeshRoo]

I've gotten this question too. Mainly from friends of family members who are asking b/c they are genuinly intersted, so I usually tell them the truth. If it's a stranger, I tend to say " a lot, why do you ask?". Many times it is because they are considering adoption (or so they say. so far I've beleived them). Sometimes thay are just being nosey and they clam up right after I ask them why they want to know!! ;->

I think the worst (this is slightly off topic) is when I mention to someone I'm adopting, and they give me a blank stare. This happened to me just yesterday at the fed ex office. I was mailing our papers (all like 400 of them!!) and the guy asked, "so, what's all this for?". I told him ('cause I was so excited they were FINALLY going off for authentication!!), and he just looked at me. Then it got really uncomfortable, so I was basically like "well, thanks for your help. Goodbye".

[jaenelle]

"Why do you ask?" sounds the best to me, too... weeds out the ones who are just being nosy but doesn't exclude someone who might honestly be interested because they want to adopt or know someone who does.

[bluedaisy]

I can't take credit for this one:

"Less than a C-section!"

[KarenInCa]

I honestly do not take offense to those questions...yet. Perhaps when Cady is old enough to know what we are talking about, and is with me at the time, I will feel differently.
It is a legitimate question from a curious onlooker. In my mind, a question asked in that way is simply someone trying to find a human connection to me.
My pet peeve is when I go out with my daughter and get stares, without questions.
I was so crushed the other day. I got Cady dressed up to go out with me...she was so adorable. We went to the bank and while I was with the teller, Cady was in my arms looking toward the others waiting in line. She put on her cute face, and started smiling at the people in line, waving her cute wave (fingers to palm), then said several times with her sweet high-pitched excited voice, "hi"
I thought for sure someone in line was playing with her. When I looked behind me, to my surprise, there were at least 3-4 people looking at her, and NONE of them were smiling back at her, or waving or playing with her. It crushed me to see my sweet little girl, so innocently looking on, and all she got was cold stares.
Would it have been different if she looked like my son as a toddler? My son had blonde ringlets, fair skin and sky blue eyes. Could it have been that others were just not interested regardless of her being Chinese with a Caucasion mother? Was it possible that someone was playing with her, and stopped after I turned my head to look, because they might have felt foolish?
I don't know these answers. But I do know that I felt isolated and sad, and perhaps it was unwarranted. But I would have loved at that time for someone to just ask me questions about Cady, to try to connect.

[SummerMommy]

Like Karen and a few others who've responded, I don't take offense at these types of questions either. I'm always happy to talk about adoption and just about nothing is considered too personal or off limits to me.

Most people are surprised that it's as inexpensive as it is. (Less than the price of a new economy class car) I always add that many employers offer adoption benefits and there's a $10,000 tax credit to offset the expense as well. And the kicker is this: If we'd had our daughter since birth, we would have easily spent as much on food, clothes and day care as the adoption cost.

If someone inadvertantly asks the question in a too-blunt manner, I'll smile and say "About $100 per pound."