[pvnew]

When does the pain of dropping off your daughter in day care. Yesterday was her first day, she cried and cried. When I picked her up she was crying so hard. Today the tears didn't stop. I've been home with her for three months. I wish I could stay home, but we can't afford it. My husband told me that he felt worst today then yesterday as yesterday I was crying more, today Hannah was. When does the pain of feeling guilty stop and when will she get use to us dropping her off?

Thanks,

Patty

[oleson1]

Stay strong-- (from experience...) it will get better.

I'm sure that you took the time to find a good day care. You need to trust your decision. It is a hard adjustment for everyone - you and your daughter. Just know that eventually she will understand that you are leaving her for a short time and WILL always be back to get her.

You'll be surprised, pretty soon when you get there she will be asking for "a few more minutes to finish playing". Until then, we are here for you. NEVER feel guilty for working. Any decision that you make is with the best interest of your family in mind.

[roseofchina]

Oh I can so relate to you. The guilt really never goes away, to be honest. Our daughter cried every morning for quite a while but when I would call back to check on her (usually about 30 mins. later) she would already be up and playing around. As far as we know, she never just started up crying for us during the day unless she was getting sick. Sometimes she did cry when I picked her up. Her teacher said that she was probably just so happy/relieved to see me. It is hard to go the daycare route, but we were in the same position as you...I couldn't afford to stay out anymore nor could I afford to be a SAHM. Just call throughout the day at different intervals to check on your daugher. Always make a lot over what she brings home that she has made and talk about her teachers/friends a lot. I took pictures of our daughter with her teachers and friends and put them in a photo album for her. We spent many hours looking and naming folks. Our daughter was in a great daycare for the first 3 years of her life. It was tough. Watch out for transition periods like her getting a new teacher/caregiver, etc. When our daughter was 14 months old, she was moved up to the toddler room. The teacher there soon went out on maternity leave. Then they rotated folks in and out. My daughter did not handle this well. The crying started back and she didn't sleep very well. Finally, after talking with the director and expressing my dislike at her not putting someone in there permanently (the former teacher decided not to come back), a new teacher was hired and Whitley, my daughter, clicked with her instantly! Now that my folks are retired and live right beside us, Whitley stays with them. Whitley says she misses her friends but she does not and will not go back to visit them. Good luck to you. Hang in there. You will always feel some guilt...but you are also doing what is right and necessary for your family.

Sharon
dh - David
dd - Whitley Rose Hui

[Ernabel]

I can relate as well. Our 5 1/2 year old bio son has been in daycare since he's 2 1/2. He cried a lot at the beginning, but like Sharon said, I would call about 30 minutes after I left him crying and he would be fine. He has made so many friends over the last 3 years and loves going and loves his teachers there. We just had his 3rd annual recital last weekend and it was adorable as usual. And, I still feel guilty about him going there!

I am having a lot of guilt now thinking about going all the way to China to adopt our daughter and then putting her in daycare. I will stay home with her as long as I can before I go back to work. Unless we can come up with something else, this is what we'll have to do.

It pains me to think about it, but it is reality and I know she will end up loving it and she'll be with other children and that's important too.

The guilt may not go away for a while, but just know that she is most likely having fun playing with all her little friends, but misses her Mommy very much! It is something she has to learn and she will.

[Lissa]

We introduced daycare slowly to Lydia starting from week two of our return from China while I was still on leave. First 20 minutes at a time then 45, then an hour then half a day, until finally it was time for me to go back. She cried when I left her for the first few weeks and then finally she gave me smiles and waves goodbye. Now she loves daycare. It takes awhile, but they will adjust. Promise.

[vivismom]

How old is she? We read about different tips to help them get used to it, differing with the different ages. So for a newborn, maybe leave a blankie you slept with so your smell is on it. You could leave your picture- or we have this little photo album from Target made for babies (I think the brand is Sassy?) where you can put different pictures of you and the baby can drool all over it. I'm not sure how you feel about the whole pacifier issue, but Vivi loves hers and now is weaned back to only using it during naps. Also I talked with the woman who watches her (since she was 4 months until now at 17 months) and made sure we were very consistent about her schedule. Actually, on the weekends I follow her weekday schedule exactly as to snack time and even what I serve at snack, lunch, etc. I really like Lissa's idea of easing her in a little at a time, but you might not have the time now.

Don't worry- every family needs to make the decision for themselves without feeling guilt from other parents. YOU know what's best for your children because your mother's instincts would let you know if something was off. She's just so attached to you now that she'll need a little adjusting- that's because she loves you! Better this than being completely comfortable with any stranger off the street.

[pvnew]

Hannah will be 12 months old tomorrow. She brings her favorite animal which she sleeps with everyday. Yesterday she was crying when I picked her up. Today my dh is dropping her off by himself. All I can think about is my little girl crying. I know it takes time, I just hope it goes by quickly. I am sorta doing what Lissa suggested. I am putting in day care for 1/2 days for the first two weeks. May 22, she starts full time and since I work a nine hour day, it will be a full day.

[aunlanpo]

My youngest started day care when she was 9 months old. I started her in a center, and some 2 1/2 year old little monster bit her on the hand. She was a baby - how in the world did she get bitten on the hand? I worried about supervision all the time, and there were other problems, so I moved her to a home day care. There I worried that she was second to soap operas, and she CRIED so HARD when I dropped her off EVERY DAY. It was so hard. I stopped on the side of the road and cried myself, before going on to work. Then at 14 months, I couldn't take it anymore and I quite my job as a crisis intervention counselor and opened a home day care. I wanted to provide what I couldn't find... a family home day care with the structure and activities of a center. I got licensed and have been doing it now for 10 years.

I intimately understand this from both sides of the coin. On the day care side of the issue, I feel absolutely awful when a child cries every day when the mom or dad leave. I feel helpless and worry about the parents and what they are thinking of me in the back of their heads. I know what I worried about when it was my kid crying every day. So, I make sure that there are really fun activities going on right at the beginning, right when they get dropped off, so that the children will engage and settle in immediately. This redirection technique has worked the best. I have something completely different every day of the week, so the children are immediately excited and engaged.

And there are some children that will still cry. I really think what I call the "taking it slow" technique works the best. Your teacher/worker may not like it, because, really, they want the parents out so they can get on with whatever they have for the kids. Parents make daycare teachers feel uncomfortable, under the microscope, and parents are often uninformed about normal child development. So, a baby 6-9 months old goes through a normal separation anxiety phase. They will cry when you leave the room to go to the bathroom, when you turn to walk across the room to grab a book. It happens to every single baby, it's part of their development, but most parents think something must have happened and that's why baby is crying all of a sudden. So, getting informed is the first thing for parents to do in dealing with crying at drop off. There are several ages that separation anxiety naturally occurs.

Anyway, the "taking it slow" technique...Plan on 20 minutes inside to drop off. This is really good to get a feel for what happens at day care, also, since you'll be doing it every day. Same at the end of the day. Plan on 15 minutes or so to pick up. Don't let the daily transition be abrupt, but let it be over some time. Otherwise, from a child's perspective, you don't even want to be there. You drop them off and RUN out of there. You pick them up and RUN out of there. So, take a lot of time, letting them see that you enjoy it. Talk and laugh with the teachers. Don't talk about issues or concerns that you have at drop off or pick up, it brings tension with it, which causes the child alarm. Just make an appointment, even if it's a phone appointment to deal with those. With toddlers, you play with some toys. Not to get the toddler to play with you, but just because you want to yourself. Your children will learn by you modeling, and that's true in this as well. The same thing is true when you actually leave. You are modeling what they should do. If you are sad about leaving them, they will be sad about being left. If you feel torn, they will feel torn. If you can't mask your feelings, they will have a hard time. If you can stay focused on the benefits of your child being in day care, and be really happy about them staying, they will be happy too. (See exception at end)

With babies, after you've held them and transitioned them emotionally into the new environment by just being there, have the teacher/worker take the baby from the back, so the baby is still facing toward you, and you just hold on to their hands and keep talking to them just like you were before. You may need to teach this technique to your teacher before hand. And then just stay another five minutes or so with the teacher holding the baby face away from her. And allow the baby to get accustomed to the physical transition. Then after the baby has made eye contact with the teacher and not started crying, then wave bye bye and go. That's assuming the baby hasn't indicated that they want down to play! Often this "taking it slow" technique helps them feel so comfortable, they just want to get on with what they want to do. If the baby makes eye contact with the worker and does start crying, don't take the baby back! And don't run away. Just keep talking to the baby, stay relaxed, and be indifferent to the crying. This is good practice for the teenage years when you have to say no and it's unpopular!

But after 10 years, I can clearly see that different kids are just different. They have their own personalities, their own views of things, and no matter what you or the teacher does, they just want to stay with mom and dad. Who can blame them? I've also come to realize that different kids are more suited for a specific type of care. For instance, I had a 3 year old boy, super outgoing, really energetic, and I just thought he would thrive in a large daycare center type of environment with tons of kids. I suggested that to the parents, and they agreed to try it out at another place, a center, just on Mondays. After the first day, the child was begging to go to the other place! He would bound in to the new place, skipping and smiling on Mondays, and still cry everyday with me on Tuesday through Friday. Do you see what I mean? It's not about me not being good enough, it's just about this kid and his needs which differ from what I can provide. So, they transitioned over to the new place, and he's doing really well.

I had a different 3 year old boy come to me from that same center. He had been with them for 2 weeks, and he was having emotional melt downs all through day, because he just lacked social skills, self-control skills, and communication skills. I could easily teach him in my small environment, which was impossible for a teacher of a large center to teach. So, the center referred the family to me. He was with me for about 2 months before starting at the center on Mondays only, and they couldn't believe the change in him! Then after a month he went there 2 days, is with me 3 days, and we'll keep it like this until Sept. at which time he'll go to their three year old preschool program. It's working very well for him.

Often children on the shy side, with a sweet, gentle nature are easily overwhelmed by the outgoing forcefulness of a lot of other children that they encounter at a center. For this child, I would suggest a very small home day care, which moves slower, allows more individual pacing.

So, what I'm trying to say is that for the child who continues to cry no matter what you or the teacher does, may not "fit" there. It's nothing against the place, it could just be that particular child's personality, which is not going to change. This center and my home day care are the only ones I've ever heard of that collaborate. But you can talk to them and see what they think would be best for the child. I don't have the mind-set that a child should just endure it. I think the teachers and parents should continue to problem-solve until the child can make the transition more easily. Parents need to be willing to hear what they should change to help, and daycare teachers need to stay invested in trying different things, gaining more knowledge, until the child can happily transition.

[cooperbabe]

I'm glad this topic was brought up as I will be one of those work outside of the home moms. I keep asking myself is it fair to bring a child home and after a month or two (maybe 3 if I'm really lucky) put her in daycare for 8-9 hours a day.

It doesn't help that on various boards I've seen (especially lately) a lot of comments such as "why bother adopting a child if you have to have them in daycare 10 hours a day."

I guess part of me feels bad about working and having a child. Then I tell myself #1 we need the second income and #2 I really love my job....I'm very fortunate that I do something I adore and something I'm good at and I'm not 100% sure I would give it up even if money wasn't an issue.

[Chinagirl2007]

Aunlanpo -- i found your post extremely informative and helpful. Thank you for your insights.


Great thread in general

[Happy2Bhere]

HI!
My mom told my brother that we were blessed with a baby girl when we adopted- and he FLIPPED out when he heard I wasn't staying home. He said "Why bother being a mom if you can't stay home with her" It really bothered me, and I questioned myself. For me, my husband & I work 3rd shift, so my sister stays overnight, our daughter barely knows we're gone (She knows where we work, and that we're gone, but no real issues) Then, we both take turns sleeping during the day- all to keep her out of daycare. BUT, now that she's 2 1'/2- she WANTS to go to daycare & play with kids & get out of the house. The adjustment is for ME- she would gladly go- but mommy is so used to having her home, that I would have withdrawals.
Everyone has to do what is best for their family. For me, I do enjoy working, and I enjoy getting a paycheck, and I like that all of us can have whatever we want, and money isn't an issue. I am not trying to put my daughter second. She is always first.
Believe it or not, my mom was a stay at home mom, and I WISHED she would have worked. I wish we would have had more money growing up, and us get out of the house, have more playmates, etc.
Just my two cents worth.
International adoption isn't cheap, somehow the bills have to get paid. :-)
Congrats to everyone who has their angels home, and for those also on your journey- isn't this exciting? :-)
Melissa

[jasonsmom]

When Jason started daycare (he was an infant), he used to cry when I left but 5 minutes later he'd be playing. I got to see this for myself when my car wouldn't start so I had to go back in. He couldn't see me but I peeked into the room through the window from the hall. His teacher, who I loved, said that was what he did everyday - cry as I left and as soon as I was out of sight, turned it off and started playing. While I didn't feel guilty for working, I did hate seeing him cry. When Jason went into the toddler and preschool rooms, we found he did best when he was the first one there. He liked to be in and situated before everyone else came. He did not like joining a large group of kids so he ended up going a little earlier than necessary just to ease the transition (not much, just about 20 minutes).

Paula

[Couchkat]

My daughter Sophie started daycare at age 9 months. She cried for about 3 weeks but eventually adjusted. She is now in pre-K and loves it! She is a very social little girl and enhoys the company of the other kids. Margaux will have to go to daycare as well, and I think she will do fine just like her older sister. I really never gelt guilty about daycare (my mother always worked). You have to do what is best for your family.

[Sandyy]

My daughter cried all the way to daycare and all the way home for two solid months. I worked about ten houses from where she was. I would go to my office and call to check on her and she was already laughing and playing in the background. I learned to have a drink and a snack for her for the drive home. After about two months it kind of slacked off and we would sing all the way. She would still cry sometimes when I would pick her up. Then it was because she wasn't finished playing. She is now nine years old and her early daycare tramma is just a memory. For me the guilt thing just transfers to a new issue with parenting

[kff]

Don't worry it gets better!It could take several weeks or even months. As long as you like the teacher and feel they are capable, the kids will do fine. I would recommend big name daycares as opposed to home daycares, since the larger ones are monitered by a director. Our 6 year has been in daycare since 8 months old. She now is reading green eggs and ham by herself. We had to keep her in daycare for kindergarden since our district only has 1/2 day. It was the best decision we made, other than paying an extra $7000, she is way ahead of her years. Good luck.