[Simbela]

As the wait gets longer and the uncertainty mounts, although we are LID 3/7/06, we are starting to think about other plans-- and I'm wondering if anyone else is out there thinking these things (or if anyone wants to talk us out of this).

We are in our 30s and have never tried to get pregnant. When we thought of how we wanted to raise a family, adoption seemed perfect, and China felt right, and we thought we would try for a pregnancy for baby #2. I have a job that allows very little flexibility (I'm a doctor in residency), and I cleared by schedule so that next year from January through June I have a relatively easy schedule and can take maternity leave anytime this baby comes. . . And now I'm realizing that there's a very good chance that this baby won't come during that time, and if it is after June 2007 it will be just miserable for me, the baby, my husband, and my coworkers. . .And then I realize that if we want to get pregnant with a delivery planned during that window, it is just about time to get trying.

I am ready, ready, ready to have little feet in this home of ours. There are 9.5 months of LIDs out there before us, with referrals coming now at a pace of 5 LID-days per month. . .I'm just wondering if it is time to try for a biologic child, then have our daughter from China be baby #2. Goodness, at this rate, we might be able to make a baby, brew a pregnancy, deliver, update out homestudy, and have our biologic baby sleeping through the night before our LID 3/7/06 China baby makes it home!

At the same time, I'm not ready to give up on this-- and I have my heart set out our daughter from China, and the pace of things could change at any moment. . .

Thoughts?

[annapapadopoulo]

Simbela: Why not go for both? We're adopting and trying to conceive. We have all our paperwork done and are sending our dossier in this month.

If we're not pregnant by September, then we'll stop since it'll be cutting too close to when we expect to get a referral. Our agency is fine with our plans. Good luck!

[seanbeck]

I thought you couldn't have a baby and adopt one from China within a year of each other? Do I have this info wrong?

Simbela:I totally understand what you're feeling! We've had similar thoughts, but because our ds was an IVF miracle and we had so many other issues with him before, during and since, we've decided to not go that route. However, if I thought we had any real chance of conceiving and having a normal pregnancy and child birth, I'd be singing a different tune, I think. If it's okay with China if you have two within a year, then I'd go for it. Good luck with whatever you decide!

[CoatAnnHat]

I believe Chinas one yr rule pertains to adopted children. You cannot adopt another child until the one year anniversary. I dont think that applies to bio children.

[stayjay]

This wait has also thrown a monkey wrench in our family plans. We did not want to try to conceive a child during this wait as it would be heartbreaking to have come this far only to put the adoption on hold (our agency has a policy that the adoption be stopped if you become pregnant). We are 100% committed to our daughter in China.

But I feel so helpless during this wait, like time is just slipping by. We probably will not adopt a 2nd, we wanted to, but at the rate things are moving we will just be too old by the time we are eligable to start the process for # 2 (1 yr after you get your first child), then a 16-24 month wait on top of that. I am heart broken over this and I wish I could just do something, like apply to another program right now, then by the time we are back with our first we could be ready to go get #2. Oh well, sometimes we just have to accept that some things just were not meant to be.....

[seanbeck]

Thanks for the info on the one yr rule. That's good news!

Starjay- can you do the paper chase before the 1 yr mark and just not submit to CCAA until after the 1 yr mark for daughter #2? I'm still new at all of this, so don't know the rules about more than one. Maybe the wait will speed up for your DD #2. I hate to think of your not being able to do it when it's what you really want. There just has to be a way! Hang in there and don't make your decision just yet.

[drmalcolm]

Stayjay,
By the time your first child comes home from China, there may be other programs that have taken off that don't have the 1 year wait time and then the lengthy time until referral. I'm not sure if you have your mind set on China for #2, but try not to let your age or other factors get you down until you have your baby home. You never know what opportunities might present themselves if you decide to adopt a sibling for your first child.

Of course, I'm telling you not to worry about what might come, and if I had my way, I'd have the next 10 years of my life planned, so I completely understand how you feel!

seanbeck,
There apparently are stipulations about pregnancy during an adoption, but whether it actually becomes an issue where the adoption needs to be put on hold seems to depend on different factors, including whether or not the adoptive parents share that info (I'm not addressing whether I think that's right or wrong, it's just an observation from what others have told me). I think it might be wise to just see what your agency tells you their policy/China's policy is ahead of time.

Simbela,
Good luck whatever you decide!

Christina

[mimc]

Simbela - I see nothing wrong with ttc. In a "worst-case scenario" you end up with two little ones!

We still have a long wait before we can adopt from China because I'm not 30. I was initially fine with just waiting until then to become a parent, but things changed. We decided to give ttc a shot (in our case we did have diagnosed fertility problems but weren't sure how much medical assistance we'd need to get pregnant), and I'm now less than ten weeks away from delivering a baby girl.

We are both thrilled with how this has turned out so far, and we still have the option of adopting from China later. I say go for it - if it works, then you could have a little on in your arms next spring. If it doesn't work, you are still waiting for a referral, and you haven't lost anything by ttc. JMHO. Good luck to you!

[annapapadopoulo]

We've been very honest with our agency that we want to adopt, but will also try to conceive in the meantime. They have no problem with it and neither do we (obviously). Hopefully, if we conceive next month, we'll deliver in February and then adopt next summer. Our children will be the same age! Good luck!

[Simbela]

Thanks for the support & encouragement-- Why does it seem so hard to change plans mid-course, just because you had your heart set on one plan? I called our agency, who encouraged us to keep them updated, and assured me that pregnancy does not cancel an adoption, but does require an updated home study & an honest appraisal of how the pregnancy changes things. Our agency does give the option of postponing the adoption by 6 months, and can put that postponement in place at anytime up to referral, and that might help to make things work logistic-wise.

I love the idea of "twins"-- one adopted, one biologic, both the same age! I'm not sure I can swing 2 maternity leaves so close together-- in fact, I CANNOT swing 2 maternity leaves close together. . .still have some logistics to work out. . .and my heart & mind aren't yet in the right state to be 100% sold on the idea of pregnancy when I was so excited about adopting. . .

Anyway, thanks for the input, everyone!

[KariKae]

One more thing you might want to think about...

Physically, it might be easier for you to have your biological child first.

I am currently pg with child #2. We have the story you hear over and over. Difficulty conceiving and multiple miscarriages. I thought dd was a "once in a lifetime". I was VERY CLOSE to convincing my husband to adopt when I got pg with Baby #2.

One thing to consider is the physical exhaustion and nausea that accompanies pregnancy. I know you're a physician, but you really can't appreciate it until you've experienced it. It was much easier with the first pregnancy. I could come home from work and go to bed at 8 pm. Now, I have a 4 y/o who wants mommy's attention when I get home. I feel like I wake up exhausted.

I'm with you - the idea of two babies who are really close in age seems so cool to me!

Good luck!

[MissyAmomChina]

Hi,

I repect that many factors involve how we build or families. I do believe being "open' to as many possibilities is very helpfull. One food for thought, is if you are thinking of having 2 children very close in age, I'd recommend you read up on the topic of "artificial twinning." That's the term used to describe that situation (be it 2 adopted children or 1 bio/1 adopted child). I can't speak on the topic with much authority--I've simply read that there are a lot of opinions out there on this (some pro and some con.)

Take care,

[annapapadopoulo]

I never heard of "artificial twinning" -- I'll look it up. I have to admit that we have received negative remarks about what we're doing (ttc while adopting), many from adoptive parents. Then again, we've received negative feedback on adopting in and of itself and having kids in general. If someone doesn't agree with our actions, then we respectfully agree to disagree.