[Lissa]

Well I have a specific situation coming up, but I thought this would be a good general topic as well so please chime in...

My mother is coming to see Lydia this summer. It will be their first meeting and mom is insistant that Lydia will sit in her lap. I know my kid...it's not gonna happen. Not unless my mom sits on the floor with her and gives her some time and allows the bond to form naturally. I know my mom...it's not gonna happen.

So what to do? How do you deal with the family member who doesnt care if the child is scared and crying and holds them against their will...and then what do you do when they take it personally that the child was frightend and now won't go near them?

Anyone else have that situation happen or think they may have to deal with that situation?

[Shoshana]

That's a tough one. I also have had experiences with "insistent" grandparents and know that it's tough to get 'em to change. Have you thought about writing your mom a letter -- have the focus of the letter be about Lydia's personality and needs and how to best get her to respond, given her personality? I think you could do this without even "calling" your mom on her behavior. Maybe the letter would give her a chance to digest the info and make a decision to win over her granddaughter.

[Mindy82]

I agree, that's a good idea... Also, you may start telling Lydia about her grandmother, and talking about her using the term gramma... Associate all good things with gramma... Maybe show her some pics?

By the way, do u have a pic of your little one we could see? Where is she from?

[Momof2boysinOH]

I don't pull any punches on this one. My mother-in-law is one of those insistent grandparents. When our first son was born, I asked all visitors to use the hospital hand sanitizer before holding him. She was highly offended, insisting that she was clean and refusing to use the sanitizer. Common, how hard is it to spritz your hands for a second? Then a few months after our 2nd son was born, she came to visit and had a cold with a pretty bad cough. I told her I didn't want her holding the baby unless she wore a face mask. She went ballistic! No way was she going to wear a mask, and she demanded to hold her grandchild because it was HER RIGHT as grandmother.


I just chuckled. We are the parents and we need to determine what's best for our children. If the grandparents get offended, so be it. They don't live with us and they're not the ones raising our children.

Lisa,

I would tell your mom that you'll have to wait and see what Lydia does. If she warms up to her and wants to be held, then okay. But it should never be forced on her. I wouldn't hesitate to step in and say my daughter doesn't feel comfortable with that...end of story.

[linda512]

Maybe you can enlist your mother's help in this one. Explain to her that your daughter in general needs time to form bonds and ask her how she thinks you and she can work together to make it a good visit for both of them. Make it sound like you are asking for her advice and make her a partner in this, before she comes.
Just a thought, may not work with your mother.

[Lissa]

I've already tolm my mom that Lydia needs to take things really slow. (Numerous times) she's just really being irrational about it saying she is gonna react to her the same way she reacted to me when we first met. (Lydia and I clicked immediately--but that may be cause she hadn't eaten for over 6 hours and I had a bottle. ) My dad and sister are trying to prepare her too...but I'm just uber nervous about it and it's over a month away still.

BTW, here's Lydia. I never mind sharing pictures of her. She is from the Guangxi Zhuang Autonomous Region. She lived in Desheng most of her life.

[wanttobe]

Lisa
I agree with Mary 100%. You are the mom, she is company. You are to protect your child, and yes even from some relatives. This experience can effect how she will respond to others later. A child should ALWAYS be able to say NO to an adult when it comes to their body. You need to let your daughter know that it is okay to say NO and that you will back her up. Send the letter, then watch closely and step in as the mom and adult responsible for lydia. Lydia will form a bond with her, just as she has with you. (smiles your way)
dana

[An Song Tao]

I get great satisfaction applying and enforcing our house rules with my mom after the many years I endured her rules growing up in her house!


I'm not mean about it. I just state, in a matter-of-fact way, that this is my house and these are my children and these are the rules. It helps to remind her that she did it with her household and I will do it with mine. She was a great teacher! Good luck and don't let her see the fear in your eyes!

[spaypets]

We cautioned my in-laws that they should let DD come to them. And they respected that. We did have their pictures on our refrigerator so they were familiar when she met them. And their relationship was cemented when FIL fed DD ice cream.

Is there anyway to get a video of grandma reading a story that you can play for DD? We did that after their first visit so by the time she saw them again she was completely normal.

[foxl]

I agree with An Song Tao -- with a more forceful personality, you have to grab em by the throat and stand firm!

My mom was the "smotherly" sort with me but fortunately NOT with my kids. I dread to this day the feeling of struggling out of an embrace ... it gives me the CREEPS. I do not know what adults are thinking when they do that, especially to kids.

Maybe you could throw something in about training your kids to own their bodies -- and how it is all "a new theory," to prevent them from getting molested ...

[littlewigglebut]

Lissa,

I agree with all the pp, that you are the parent and should get to define limits. Also Lydia does need to know you are gonna back her up, if she doesn't want an unfamiliar adult holding her. No child should be held against their will. I would start prepping Lydia with the photos and naming her too.

All that being said, I assume you want your mother and Lydia to have a good and pleasant relationship. I think the letter is a good idea, but you can also tell her what proactive things she could do. Like having a little present as she walks in the door. (Something interactive is always good, puppets, puzzles they can do together) Also a little present every day to reinforce this person is fun. Also if you are very physical with your mom, hugging, etc... it let's Lydia see you are comfortable being close to your family.

Then, with my boys chasing them around the house tickling them is an instant ice breaker. Easing into physical contact that's fun and giggly is always a better way to go than starting with holding. Also, if you feel Lydia's securely attached to you, ask her to ask your parents for things she wants/ needs. It's something you can do together, ie: let's ask grandma to get us some juice. This also just lets her see your mom is not a random friend coming over. Oh, I'm getting really rambly. I do have other ideas if you're at all interested. (Comes from having an autistic child that hates strangers and sees his Gparents 2x a year). HTH

Katherine
Samuel & Benjamin 4/02

[Mindy82]

She's so pretty! You are one lucky lady

[twoinblue]

Aiya Lissa! How long is this visit going to last?

[Serena1000]

First off, Lydia is absolutely adorable.

I don't really have advice, I just expect to be in the same situation with my Mother. She never bonded well with my now 5 year old niece. My Mom rarely saw her and would get upset when the family got together and niece would leap into my arms but want nothing to do with my Mom. We explained till we were blue in the face that it was because I invested the time and effort into getting to know her. I'm hoping that my Mom is better with my daughter because she'll probably be retired by then and we'll see her more often but I'm not holding my breath.

I do think overall that parents have to be firm and do what's in the best interests of their child, even when it comes to the grandparents. It's just that parenting is SO different from it was when my Mom was raising kids 40 years ago.

[MissyAmomChina]

Hi Lissa,


Tough situation. I am wondering if would help your mom at all if you phrased it in regards to Lydia needs. So, it's less "Mom, don't pick up Lydia." and more "Lydia likes to get to know people on her time line. So we don't pick her up or hold her against her will." But sometimes being indirect is lost on people.......

I was lucky as our family was very respectfull of Lily's needs and subsequently, she was able to get to know them on her terms (which happened quickly because no one was pushy). Would your mom respond well to the approach of "Mom, I so want you and Lydia to get to know each other. So, if we do things this way, I'm sure it will work out."

And as other's have said, in worse case scenario, you have to set the limits an get the label of "over-protective, first time mom" --even when it's not true. Lily came home 5 days before Thanksgiving and we decided to not take her to a large (50+ extended family gathering)--and I got the label. What can I say--can't please all the people all the time. But I sure think my daughter's well being and happiness is a priority.

I wish you the best. Hopefully, it will all go well.

Take care,