[terryb]

With the wait time for referrals increasing at an undetermined rate and for an undetermined length of time, I'm finding that I keep having to tell people that we may be waiting still another few months. We started last March so it's been almost a year already and we had thought that we'd have a referral by now.

Friends and family keep asking if we've heard anything and when we'll hear and when we'll travel. I try to explain as well as I can but I don't know if they really get the picture.

Just wondering if other people are experiencing this as well. How are you explaining to people that we just don't really know exactly when we will receive a referral? Do you find that they understand what the process entails and how things are sometimes just unknown?

[kenzseth]

That is hard. We are only paperchasing, but even then there is a guy at our church who every week says "Have you heard from China yet?" I never know how much people want to know about the process. I don't want to bore everyone with the details, but maybe then they will understand better how it goes - I don't know. It is difficult for sure though, and we are just beginning.

[sregis]

absolutely, and i think your last sentence says it all. how can one possibly expect others to understand when we don't?...even our agencies don't. what i will tell others who are asking advice, etc, is that the entire process can take 2 years. expectations are a dangerous thing.

[prechrswife]

No, other people really don't understand. The funny thing is, you can explain the process to the same people over and over again, and they still ask if you've heard anything. It doesn't help that we originally thought we would be getting ready to leave for China about now.

[cungar]

I try to explain it like it's a waiting list. There's about 150 people in front of me and they do about 50 a month. Because we had so much problem with an attempted Philippines adoption, they assume something went wrong and it's not going to happen..

Chuck
LID 8/18

[ggman]

(Visiting from the Haiti board...)
Perhaps people are just wanting to show support when they ask you questions.

A friend of mine recently asked me if it irritated me how she would always ask about our adoption... I told her NO WAY! This is just me, but I like it when people ask me-- I feel like it shows they care about our family and (most importantly) our baby.

In my mind, I equate it to how people would always ask me how my pregnancy was going when I was pregnant with DD. Especially at the end people would constantly say, "Haven't you had that baby yet?" This bothers some very pregnant people, but I just loved that they were showing concern for our family expansion.

Anyway, it's just another way to look at it.

BTW, prechrswife-- I love the name you've chosen, it's beautiful!

[prechrswife]

Originally Posted by ggman

(Visiting from the Haiti board...)
Perhaps people are just wanting to show support when they ask you questions.

BTW, prechrswife-- I love the name you've chosen, it's beautiful!

First of all, thank you for the compliment on Mary Joyce's name. She will be named for her two grandmothers, and we're doing the southern thing--calling her by both names.

Thanks for sharing your perspective. I think one reason that I get aggravated is that with dh being in the ministry, we have a whole church-full of people watching and asking about the adoption, in addition to the regular friends and family members. We get more than our share of those kinds of questions.

[2020Mom]

I know where you're coming from. I've been telling people, "Oh, it will take about a year," for almost a year now! (Our I171h took 6 mos so that makes it worse.) The other day my mom asked if we had heard and I explained yet again that it is taking longer. She said, "You have two great sons you don't need a daughter, it's okay." Aaah...I just explained that "We will have a daughter at the end of this, its just taking longer than we thought."

I think people are just so excited for you that they don't know how to respond to the disappointment of the delay.

Jeanine
LID 1/4/06

[Teekay74]

We are not even DTC yet(but close) People are already asking how much longer. I just respond w/ hopefully w/ in a year. The wait seemed to have changed quickly, so what else can you do. I also tell that as we get closer maybe I'll have a better idea. I started telling everyone as soon as we started, but I really do like talking about it. Probably to much for some people. Thats ok. Pregnant women talk about there aches and pains, sickness, movement, no movement all the time!Why can't I. No, unless thay have known someone to go thru the process they will never understand. It seems as if some people want to point out the negative, as if you haven't thought of every possibility! Befor you know it we will all have our babies and be happy as can be! For all the nay sayers we can the say" Told you she would be here"

[stephdpenn]

People not that are not going through the process or never have do NOT understand at all!!! That is why I love this forum so much

Since we were DTC 1-20-06 when someone asks me I always say "pretend I just got pregnant yesterday-that is how long it will be". Every single time that is the end of the conversation. It seems when you compare the time to a pregnancy people 'get it'.

[jetgirl]

I agree that it seems no matter how many times you explain the process to people, they just don't get it. We are not even DTC yet, and everyone asks "So when are you leaving for China?" For this reason, I haven't told too many people yet. I haven't yet decided if it would make me feel better or worse to have many people asking me this all the time. I know I was not happy when I told people we expected to go to China next summer, and they said "2006?" and when I said "No, 2007" they looked shocked. And here I am trying to convince myself that's not too far away.

[thundrrds]

telling people it's like the gestation time of an elephant can get laughs but it's a realistic time frame
I found over estimating the time frame was helpful and kept people more 'at bay'.

we didn't tell many people til we were DTC for Mira and 'back then' we expected the time frame to be about 14+ months from DTC to time of adoption.

With SHona we pretty much didn't bother to tell too many people at all. Family knew just before we were DTC 'cause we needed them in the dossier photos. Other than that we just took our time and realized even after we were home with her that we had forgotten to let some friends know.

Joanne

[beachdreams]

If and when we adopt again, I will only tell very very close friends and family until closer to time to travel. The reason is because people did not understand. In Guatemala, the process is a bit different in that you get your referral and then it can take anywhere from 3 months on up to travel to bring your child home. I had the same people at work consistently ask why I had not gone to get her yet. I would go over the steps once again. It never would sink in and sometimes those questions, especially when your process is not going well, make you hurt 10 x more.

[odi]

Just last night a lady I haven't seem for 8 months came up to me and wanted to see our new daughter and why haven't we traveled yet?..... Having my comlpeted dossier to my agency and still no DTC I am just frustrated right now. I didn't even tell this person we are adopting again. It seems the news without any details of wait gets passed on. I tried to let it slide but I swear the only time any one asks is always on a day where I am already frustrated.
Diana

[twoinblue]

We thought for sure we would have our baby last summer. Some people have stopped asking and I think they assume the adoption fell through. We waited a while to tell people and there are still quite a few who do not know.

I made a blog and spelled out how long the process takes. I update it with the delays and send it to everyone I know. I find this very helpful since my friends will walk up to me and say that they said the wait is longer and they are disappointed. At least I don't have to explain it over and over.

Caveat: If you send out a blogger to everyone on your email list, make sure your husband's ex-wife is not included in that. I didn't know it was in there and she didn't know we were adopting. Needless to say the email I got in return was not congratulatory.