[lotsoflove]

Hi all I feel like I know most of you and really need to write to someone. It started when I wanted to adopt and dh did not want to so he said he will think about it, 2yrs later he said ok lets start. Than last month he says he does not want to adopt right now but wait 2-3 yrs and see if he really wanted too. I was so upset cause he keeps doing things like that, unlike a pregnancy once your pregnant than is no backing out!! uggg. I told him how I felt and than he has the nerve to say ok if your not happy with me than we should get a divorce????? I thought we could talk more and see why he changed his mind than get the D! Than I got 10yr dd a puppy and I TOLD him I am getting her a lil dog and he said as long as you pay for it. Well I brought it home today and than had to go to work and when I get home he hands me papers!! I am so upset, confused, hurt, and also betrayed. I am sorry and hope not to bring any of you down but you gals here are my closest friends and I really needed to get this off my chest. 10yrs of marriage and he just wants to end it like this, sorry. Well I better go lil man is upset and I guess he senes it from me.

[aristo]

Wow....Im really sorry to hear that.

Sounds like you have a really big heart....wanting to adopt a special needs child....even with the challenges of having several young biological children.

Is DH the breadwinner in the family? Did he ever give a reason to wait another 2 -3 years?

I can understand your anguish....cuz its like a rollercoaster ride....you've been on a high since DH said YES.....but now the low when he changed his mind.

I guess he wants to put his food down...or trying to re-establish whose the Man of the House.....and now willing to end it all over this.

I hope things work out for you either way. Good luck.

[CoatAnnHat]

OMG Bernadette, i am SO sorry!

I have BTDT too.. I was married for 16 yrs and it also took my EX Husband several years to come around to adopting. He finally did, he signed the papers and i sent a deposit plus the i600a out and then 2 weeks later i found out he had been cheating on me! I kicked him out and adoption at that point seemed hopeless. Flash forward 6 years and I am remarried to a wonderful man. He was also was very against adoption but he also knew from the get-go that I couldnt let go of that dream. Here we are today DTC as of 1/20.

You have four BEAUTIFUL children that will help you get thru this, and they help you to see the light at the end of the tunnel. My children are what I leaned on for the strength to get thru it. I wish I was in your neighborhood so i could stop by and give you a big hug and him a big slap! We are here for you, vent away!

[kimmie11]

My heart goes out to you. It took a long time for my dh to be open to adoption and my wish to pursue it over his objections put a strain on our relationship. I am speechless and wish I had the magical words to make the hurt go away. Know that we are here for you.

[journeytograce]

Bernadette,
My heart goes out to you...
Please come here to talk, vent, cry...anything. I am so very sorry. Do you think it has anything to do w/his job right now? Anxieties/Stresses? I was in the military too and just wondered if that could be weighing on him - getting deployed (in the fall, right?).
Please know we are here, and always ready to listen.

[looneytunes32]

Oh Bernadette....((((hugs))))I wish there was something I could say to make all this better, but I know there's not...please know that we are thinking of you, and anytime you need to talk we are all here!

[Sean&Shan]

Bernadette, how devistating for you

I know I am going to sound like an armchair psychologist, but frankly it doesn't sound like you have done anything to spur this. In other words, I hardly think it is the adoption or the puppy that is causing him to make this dramatic move.

Things must be very stressfull with a new baby and three other children and it does not seem like your dh is being real communicative right now. But I hope you continue to pursue trying to talk with him- not about adoptions or pets- but about what is at the core of your family and your love for each other.

Best of Luck to you, you and your family are certainly in my prayers.

[Marshie]

Bernadette...I don't have any advice to offer but I have plenty of hugs and two good shoulders for you if you need them *hugs*

[beachdreams]

I agree with SeanandShan. This is not about the adoption or the puppy. Usually things like that are accelerants to an already potentially flammable situation. I know this hurts and has probably ripped the floor right from underneath you. Use this time to get yourself together and try to figure out/solve the issues. I hope and pray everything works out for the best no matter what the end result is.

[drmalcolm]

Bernadette,
I was so shocked by your email. I know that bad things occur all the time, but when they happen to people I "know," it always throws me for a loop. I am so sorry you are hurting and that you are going through this experience.

I offer my support as the others do, of course, but I am wondering, do you think this is an empty threat from your husband that is meant more to get your attention? As aristo said, might he be doing this to try to reestablish what he feels is his "place" in the family? Maybe the adoption roller-coaster got going and he started to worry that it was more than your family could handle and didn't know how else to say it. It sounds as if he tends to look at this as sort of a competition--if you do that, well, then, I'm going to do *this.* It is an immature way to act, but it's really common in a relationship, even one that has lasted over a decade.

I'm discovering that men can be needier than we think; it's so deceiving because they aren't usually at all willing to share their feelings. My husband has admitted to me that he was afraid to adopt because he doesn't have all of me that he had before our son was born. He wants us to be okay and keep our marriage alive while our kids are young because the children will leave someday and it will be us left as a couple--we still need to have a strong relationship, as well. Maybe your husband is scared that he's losing you to the kids and just doesn't know how to verbalize it?

If it is at all feasible for you guys and if your husband is willing, could you get a sitter so there are no children around and try to talk things out and really get him to admit any feelings he's having? I hope this isn't out of line for me to make a suggestion to someone else about their marriage--it's not something I would normally do, but I suggest this only because it sounds as if you really want to give the marriage another shot.

I'll be thinking of you and sending good thoughts your way like everyone else here. Glad you felt that this forum offers you a place to come and vent. Best of luck!

Take care,
Christina

[Bailee2001]

Oh Bernadette,
My heart goes out to you! I can't add anything to what has already been said, so I'm just sending hugs and prayers your way. Go hug those precious children of yours, and while the road may be rocky for a little while, take care of yourself and know that there will be brighter days ahead.

[waiting4babies]

Hi Bernadette,

I am sorry for what you are going thru.

The adoption is not the issue for him wanting to end the marriage. If that is what he is telling you, it is just an excuse. There has to be some other reason.

[Lissa]

I have no idea what to say...I'm just really sorry about what's going on. Is he totally committed to a divorce? Is it possible y'all can still talk it out? I'm hoping for you!!

[odi]

I am sorry so sorry that you are going through this right now. Please feel free to vent and talk. But also you have a job to do. If your husband is really serious about a divorce than you need to find all your strength and get ready to protect your kids. Figure out what the cause is and if you guys can work it out and if the answer is no it is your job to do everything to protect those kids. Become a mama lion. You shouldn't have to do this. No one should. But kids are always hurt in this. So this will become your purpose to reduce that hurt. Maybe it will help you knowing you are helping them. I know you are loosing several dreams right now. I am truely sorry and wish we could help. I will keep you and kids in my prayers.
Diana

[Mptrsn4]

I am so sorry that you are going through this right now. I can't imagine how hurt and upset you must feel. Would he consider counseling? I hope everything works out for you and your family.